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Hooked On A Feeling


Margee
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 I am a highly emotional woman. Not a crazy one...just emotional... I 'feel' intensely. I am the proud Drama Queen - you guys know that!! tongue.png (I try to be a 'quiet' drama queen as not to make a fool of myself... rolleyes.gif ) I have been this way all my life. Very sensitive and emotional. I love with a passion and I can hate with a passion. I was the kid who had the temper tantrums as a child. Mom told me she could have wrung my neck a hundred times when I used to act up in a department store. I was the screamin' brat. I wanted what I wanted and I was going to get it. I'm still like that!!! (Not near as bad! )  I've 'mellowed out' over the years. smile.png


I can remember, even as a child being somewhat puzzled over this Jesus we used to color in Sunday School. Why did he have to die on a cross? I recall singing, 'Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so''.....with a passion, even as an innocent child. As an adult, when I got hooked on the Pentecostal church, I remember having so many questions. I think I was always a bit of a doubter, but I wanted it to be true so bad. I wanted to be saved. I wanted to be one of the 'elect'.

 

 When I look back now, I think I was hooked on the Pentecostal Service itself....the music, dancing, crying, jumping, screaming, frenzy, the lighting, speaking in tongues, the passionate sermon and a thousand people standing there swaying back and forth as their hands were lifted to the lord smiling and crying. That's enough to make anyone with doubts feel that it might really be real?? How could I doubt when all this emotionalism was going on around me? How dare I question the bible when everyone around me were feeling these intense emotions. It must be true!!?? woohoo.gif  


Yesterday, as I was cleaning my bedroom, I found some old 'Vineyard' music . Now, if you want music that puts your head in the clouds and hypnotises you - Vineyard music is the gospel music to do it!! I put the tapes in my deck player and almost immediately started to cry. The music was so beautiful!! I remember playing these tapes when I lived in British Columbia. I went to a Vineyard' church when I lived there. When we would go camping, I would sit under a tree and listen to these tapes over and over again as I prayed to the lord to help me become a better person.....To become someone he would be proud of!! I almost could feel those same feelings yesterday as I listened to this music in my kitchen. Wendytwitch.gif  I barely can throw it away today??? And yet, I have to let that music go......


Such emotions!!!


Can anyone still else relate to this? How did your church 'hook you' emotionally? It's not only music that can hook you?? The love, the laughter, the picnics, the belonging..... no wonder so many of us stayed so long.......

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Guest r3alchild

Most of my christianity was being hooked on a feeling for god, when years later I learned that I was mistaken (as christians said) and christianity is not about being hooked on a feeling for god, but rather being hooked on a knowing of god. But then this is completly subjective and has as much value as being hooked on a feeling.

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I am a very emotional person too, but an introvert. I hated the fake bullshit that went on in church. The performance  art was just embarrassing. After watching the shitty way the church treated people for a very long time , I knew the love was fake. What makes me wonder is why I thought they would treat me any differently.

 

My deep love for god was an emotional thing that was very personal. I resented the church fucking with it. The hook wasn't from the church, it was because of the idea of being connected with a source that was uncorrupted. Now I know there aren't any.

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Most of my christianity was being hooked on a feeling for god, when years later I learned that I was mistaken (as christians said) and christianity is not about being hooked on a feeling for god, but rather being hooked on a knowing of god. But then this is completly subjective and has as much value as being hooked on a feeling.

 

The objective [knowing god] is handing over your authority/time/money to a church/pastor.

The means is through weeks, months, years of emotional experiences such as prayer, singing, speaking in tongues, other bs supposedly authored by god.

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Guest r3alchild

 

 

Most of my christianity was being hooked on a feeling for god, when years later I learned that I was mistaken (as christians said) and christianity is not about being hooked on a feeling for god, but rather being hooked on a knowing of god. But then this is completly subjective and has as much value as being hooked on a feeling.

The objective [knowing god] is handing over your authority/time/money to a church/pastor.

The means is through weeks, months, years of emotional experiences such as prayer, singing, speaking in tongues, other bs supposedly authored by god.

Totaly
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Hey Margee! I too was deeply involved in PAOC and charismaniac churches of Vineyard ilk. Unlike you, though, I am way too much in my head and am often accused of being unemotional. I know what you mean about Vineyard music, though. I miss the god buzz, but even more than that I miss thinking I had Truth by the tail. I had mistaken the 'feeling of knowing' for actual 'knowing'...and actually thought that the feeling of being right was the same thing as being right.

 

I was just thinking about some of those Vineyard songs the other day and how much they meant to me.....

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I was a worship leader for years and I still know how to 'make god show up'... It's all neuroscience.

 

Maybe there's another way to get the buzz, without all the existential baggage?

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I was a worship leader for years and I still know how to 'make god show up'... It's all neuroscience.

 

Maybe there's another way to get the buzz, without all the existential baggage?

 

I can really relate to what you are saying here. As soon as I heard that music the other day, I could have automatically started lifting my hands and praying to the lord. It struck me so weird how I started crying when I heard the music. I took one of those old cassette tapes and threw it in the garbage yesterday, felt a bit sad and knew in my heart that those days are over.

 

Right to this very second I would still worship the lord if he ever showed himself to me...but...he would have to explain his 'idiot' father's fucked up plan to me before I could sing those songs to 'him' again........

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Right to this very second I would still worship the lord if he ever showed himself to me...but...he would have to explain his 'idiot' fathers fucked up plan to me before I could sing those songs to 'him' again........

 

I had a similar conversation with a former pastor (now atheist). We were in Starbucks, and he's like, "Do you realize that right now, we could just hold hands and start speaking in tongues? How fucked up is that?"

 

I think it's a part of who we are. But I too get flashbacks.....

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I am introverted in most but not all situations. Nevertheless I am emotional within myself. I could never show my emotions to anyone, unless they accidentally and briefly spilled out. I experienced my

religious emotions alone. Two things were responsible for triggering those emotions: an emotional

sermon and religious music that I remembered from childhood. I still love a lot of the music, but for

nostalgia, not faith.

 

But I was always more analytical than emotional. But for years as a Xtian I was trying to understand

the logic and reasoning at the foundation of Xtianity. The idiotic presumptions and fallacies weren't

looked upon as such by me. I thought they were things I as of yet did not understand, but if I kept

reading the bible, Xtian literature and going to the right church it would all become plain to me.

Obviously, it never did. So I started to look under the rug, so to speak. Xtian critical history and

books on agnosticism and atheism did the trick. The house of cards came tumbling down very fast.

 

I do miss the emotional feelings sometimes. But since I couldn't share them with anyone they didn't

mean THAT much to me. bill

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My experience was almost the opposite Bill. For me the whole thing was always 100% emotional, I never applied reason to it until someone asked me what had made me believe in god in the first place, and I had no answer. Someone told me god was there and I just believed it. I became a christian as a child, and that emotional attachment remained intact until I asked myself the question.

 

On doing so I found no evidence whatsoever for the existence of god. For me the whole thing was about love.

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My wife still goes to church once in a while just for the music and that emotional charge. But it's too hard on her and I think it won't last long.

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Some of that old music that I listened to in youth makes it all "real" to me again.  It feels good and there's some great memories there.  But I have to remind myself that it's just a feeling and that's a faulty mechanism to determine what may be truth.

 

But yeah, it's comforting.  :)

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I miss the camaraderie, the feeling that I am a part of something bigger than myself. The feeling that I have "brethren" that ...care. OK it wasn't really - real- but it was a delusional feeling anyhow that I suppose as othes have mentioned, it was like a drug.

 

Since the cult I had been involved in was calvinist, the "doctrine" was the most important thing. Reasoning was emphasized, emotions were totally downplayed. The music sucked as it was a capella and only old depressing hymns. meh. I don't really miss that. ( I love GOOD a capella music, but that stuff is just bleh!) :(  However I always enjoyed the Catholic songs (I was Catholic before joining the calvinist bible cult)

I always liked "and they'll know we are xians by our love, by our love, yes they'll know we are xians by our love...."  As a side note, the cruel calvinists NEVER once sang that song in the almost 2 decades I was a member.

They really do not believe the whole "xian love" thingy...their god is a "consuming fire". :(  So glad to be out of that shit!

 

Got off on a tangent but just saying Margee, there are some things I miss too. I got rid of the stuff that triggered me, I avoid the sermons and the bible reading and I avoid any of that type of shitty boring, depressing music.

but still...I do get triggered now and again.

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Galien: "Love" is the best part of Xtianity and you can take a new and improved version with you when you leave. bill

Sadly Bill I cannot, since now I understand that people will only ever use me. That is who they are. They will never care about me on the same level I do them. I'm tired of one sided relationships where I end up doing all the work and feeling all the pain when I become surplus to requirements.

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I won't completely Bill, but I will choose much more carefully who I give my love to. It is sad for me because I really used to like and trust people. That has been completely shattered now.

 

Christianity helped keep the dissonance at bay, and now that has gone I am overwhelmed by how truly awful humans are.

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Guest r3alchild

 

 

I was a worship leader for years and I still know how to 'make god show up'... It's all neuroscience.

 

Maybe there's another way to get the buzz, without all the existential baggage?

I can really relate to what you are saying here. As soon as I heard that music the other day, I could have automatically started lifting my hands and praying to the lord. It struck me so weird how I started crying when I heard the music. I took one of those old cassette tapes and threw it in the garbage yesterday, felt a bit sad and knew in my heart that those days are over.

 

Right to this very second I would still worship the lord if he ever showed himself to me...but...he would have to explain his 'idiot' father's fucked up plan to me before I could sing those songs to 'him' again........

Me too, :(
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Guest r3alchild

I won't completely Bill, but I will choose much more carefully who I give my love to. It is sad for me because I really used to like and trust people. That has been completely shattered now.

 

Christianity helped keep the dissonance at bay, and now that has gone I am overwhelmed by how truly awful humans are.

Does that include you? Because of all the things I have seen you write about other people, I don't see how awful you are, I see someone who has been deeply hurt like myself and that helps me understand why you say what you say.
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The thing that has helped me the most is that I have learned to trust myself, I have learned to give myself approval, I have learned to 'luv' myself and take care of myself. I won't let allow anyone to bring me down. I don't need to fully trust the human race anymore because I have accepted the fact that we are all nothing but evolving human animals. No one can hurt my spirit anymore - I won't allow it. I choose who I want to be in my life now. I am very picky about this. You might even call me a bit of a 'snob' at this point in my life but I am a friendly snob. biggrin.png  I  still smile and treat everyone with respect... and those who I feel like I cannot trust or if they are after something from me....I walk away from them.   And I am finally happy. For the first time in my life, I am actually happy. No one has the power to take that away from me because I won't allow it.

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Galien: It's true. Many are horrible. That's one of the reasons I rejected the Biblical god. Evcn though I know I'm repeating myself, not all people are bad; there are many that are good. bill

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Wow, this is really a great thread.  Serves as a good example that many of us would like aspects of Christianity to be true, we really would... But we can't ignore the questions or the reality that there are massive issues that it also contributes to. 

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