Why Is Sex So Important? (Could Get Nsfw, Maybe)

[BlooKazzoo445]

I really didn't know if I should put this in Totally Off Topic or here, so move it if you want. If you read my ex-timony thing, I meantioned I feel I'm asexual because I have no interest in having sex. Now, don't be confused by the title, though. I know sex is important, as in it makes babies. No sex, no babies. In that sense I realize sex is the key to keeping life going. But, that's the only think I've really felt sex is good for. In fact, I always wondered what Christians were making a big deal of. If you shouldn't have sex before marriage (according to them) then don't. Simple as that, right? To me it seems like it'd be just the same as say, giving up certain movies because it goes against your religious beliefs. Maybe not always fun, but you'd survive. It doesn't help that I always found sex to sound actually kinda gross...and painful. Like, I don't know, from as little as I know about it, it sounds rather...unpleasant. I mean, getting something stuck in one of my body parts doesn't sound all that fun. Oh, and I feel embarrased saying the names of the reproductive organs, it feel wrong for some reason. I wasn't even raised to be uber against sex anyway. I was just taught it should wait 'till marriage. You shouldn't be just...publically talking about your sex life, but there was nothing wrong with the words by themselves and in certain contexts you could say them. And going to a Christian school, I didn't learn much about sex, beyond, 'don't have it until marriage,' but to me, that made things more confusing, not easier, because, if everyone felt like I did, why would they be making such a big deal about it? There must be something I was missing here. Like, our school didn't make big things out of witches or the like because we didn't think that they exsited so were a non issue. In fact, I sort of learned a lot...and it wasn't much, online. I was on a forum RPG and made some friends there and on the site there was a C-Box where you could chat while RPGing. It was actually very important in some of the questions of my faith, but that's not important right now. We didn't really talk much about sex. At this point in my life, I thought marriage was kinda dumb. It seemed kinda dull and pointless and I didn't see the point of spending tim with the same person everyday. It ddn't help that at the time I didn't much like people in general.

 

I think it only got into sex every once in a while, because one of my RPG friends had a character on the site who was pregnant as a teen and I some times I would kinda be like, "....wouldn't it just be easier if she would've waited?" I also didn't see why she would want sex if she didn't want a baby and then I started questioning how she would know if she wanted sex in the first place. This is how I learned what an orgasm was. Seriously, it was, you can all laugh at me now. And I tried to talk about my...non-feelings, I guess, to others, but they never understand. Everyone I talked to seemed to not believe me and think I was surpressing my sex drives or something, but I wasn't. I'm not. I suppose I really just needed to get all of this out because it's so frustrating to me when everyone makes this big deal about sex, espescially at a Christian school where it's all about 'sexual purity' and like..I guess I just wish they wouldn't make it such a big issue. I've also never...crushed on a person before, or I don't think so. That's my other thing, how would I even know If I were in love, or wanted sex or all that? Though...to be fair, how would I explain to someone that I'm hungry? I'm just....hungry. This is another reason I still don't really have that many friends...I like hanging out with others and all, but everyone at my school is getting married it seems or is already married and then they keep talking about thier boyfriends and blah, blah, blah. Or, I don't really have much to say to them since they're interested in a lot of things that I'm just...not.

 

I suppose I just want to know about relationships. What does it feel like to be in love, how would you even know? How do you know if you want sex, what does that feel like? Is it really so...unavoidable? It's also awkward talking about this stuff because I feel like an alien looking in at all these weird human feelings, if that makes since. I also have this feeling that I wouldn't be making such issues about my non-issues if Christians didn't, if that makes sense. If everyone around around me was just fine with sex and the like, I kinda feel like I wasn't this weirdo person not feeling what I was supposed to. I know this topic is random, but I just feel like I needed to get this stuff out.

[florduh]

Well, sex is necessary for continuation of the species so a strong desire to have sex ensures that result. Since it is the greatest pleasure for most people, most sexual activity is not about reproduction at all; it's just scratching an itch that won't go away. The religiously devout are generally against people doing what comes naturally. Every kid who reaches puberty wants to have sexual release more than anything, and the religious folks try to make sure they don't. I would think on the continuum of human sex drive, the vast majority are near the high end with fewer and fewer people placing toward the low sex drive end of the scale. Having no sex drive or fleshly desires by nature makes it rather easy to please the religious right; they'd think it's a sacrifice.

[Ravenstar]

hmmmm.... everyone's drive is different but it's usually a pretty strong drive.. up there with sleep and food. It's a great way to control people... and the reason it's so popular is.. it feels good, or it should anyway. NOT because of the babies - they are a side effect.  lol

 

I don't have a problem controlling my sex drive anymore and at the moment am single and okay with that... but that doesn't mean I'm asexual or have lost my sex drive, just mature. I do have to say if you think sex is only good for making babies then you haven't had good sex. Trust me.. babies are the last thing that comes to mind.

 

Sexuality is an intrinsic part of what makes us human, it colours a whole lot of who we are and the behaviors we have and the relationships with not just those whom we are sexually active with but most other relationships too. It's important in bonding and intimacy with a partner... and it's also important to ones' health, though some people can be healthy without a sex life, it's not common.

 

Though it is possible that you may just be one of those people who has a very low sex drive.. you might want to get checked out - there are a lot of medical things that can mess up the hormonal balance and that will definitely affect your libido.

[RipVanWinkle]

I don't know whether you're lucky or unlucky. You can't really miss something you have never experienced unless you could somehow know what you've missed. But sex can be the best and the worst thing. If it goes awry it is big trouble. All in all I think I''d vote in favor of it, despite the many problems that come it it frequently. bill

[BlooKazzoo445]

Well, I actually had to take pills to start my puberty, so I think that's why I have a low sex drive. I was already born with a hormonal imbalance and may not even be able to have kids because I only have one uterus. So...ya...there are factors that probable contribute, though I suppose next time I see my gynocologist I may ask about it. And, though I don't have a want for sex, I still like affection in that I love hugs and I like to find excuses to give hugs. Sometimes, I just feel like giving people big hugs, but it wouldn't be approprite, and it makes me sad. They make me feel warm and loved. I guess sex is just one of those feelings that you just...know, or so it seems. I suppose sex being linked to your idenity makes sense as I've never really felt...identified by my gender. It's like....I'm a girl, which means I carry around a baby for nine months, but...that's it. I just don't feel like a girl or a guy...just...me. I also suppose thatt's why people make a thing of, "If you lust after someone, it's a sin," if you just think about it. I think I might've rejected Christianity much sooner if I had a sex drive, because I hate feeling like my acts that don't hurt anyone, and are indeed natural, are being compromised. I always hated doing things, or not doing things, that didn't have much reason for it. I guess I never really appreciated the idea that you're ideas and desires are considered sinful and evil by religious people, but then you need these desires to keep life going.

[Adrianime]

Hello Bloo,

 

First off, we share a similarity.  I also have a seeming inability to say (or type, or think) the names of the human reproductive organs (the V word and the P word).  It's funny, because if I'm not speaking in english, it's all good, but I can't seem to say them in english.  It just feels wrong to even try.  And I don't mean wrong outwardly...like I don't think anybody else will feel it is wrong.  It just feels wrong to ME.  Like similar to killing (or kicking) a rabbit for no particular reason wrong.  I can't bring myself to do it.  The same goes for swear words for me also.

 

So that's kind of interesting!

 

But anyways, regarding sex and religion.  My first thought is that religion has two main reasons to control sex.

1.  Control.  Religion (with some exceptions) is first and foremost a method of ruling or controlling others.  One of the best ways to control others is by monopolizing people's natural needs/desires.   Most people (from my experience/understanding) have a sexual desire within that is not unlike hunger.  Religions telling the followers that only the religion can decide when your natural desire is OK is similar to a parent telling a child when it is OK to eat a cookie.

2.  Population control.  As a ruling body, religion also must impose social morals to contribute to societal prosoperity and sustainability.  Just like "thou shal not kill", making sure people aren't making babies all the time IS for the benefit of society as a whole.  Human social structures in general deals much better with children when they are managed by capable parents.  Forcing people to wait until marriage to have kids (sex) was a good way to control population 2000 years ago I'm sure.

 

Just my thoughts though.

 

Regarding your actual interest in sex, I couldn't say.  I don't know much about body chemistry or any of that.  I am assuming you are a virgin, so I imagine the concept of sex may seem strange to you if you haven't ever had the desire for it.  But, if your nerves aren't damaged, you probably still have the capacity to enjoy it.  I'm fairly certain women get more out of sex than men anyways (more nerves = more intense pleasure in theory).  It's hard to categorize sexual pleasure with other types of pleasure.  I guess, It's common to say an orgasm is like a sneeze but 10X better.  But it's nothing like a hug.  It's like...eating your favorite treat.   Or...I dunno .

 

And love.  That's another hard thing to explain.  And it varies from person to person.  What some call love, other's call infatuation, or just familiarity.  To me, love is a level of connection with a person that is built (yeah so none of this love at first sight BS).  Romantic love is when you reach that level of attachment, attraction, compatibility, and adoration where you just can't imagine life without the person you love.  Seeing/talking to that person completes your day.  That person is your home.  Where you belong most, and are happiest.  For me, you know you are in love if you can answer this question with "no":  "Can you live without them?"  Emotionally of course.  It's been so long since I've felt that way though.  I hope I get that feeling again some day.  But like I said, it's very subjective.

 

I think in general it's best to do what makes you happiest.  If you want to start having intimate relationships with people, then work towards it.  if you need to rebalance your chemicals through meds, then that's what you'll have to do.  If you aren't interested in those things, and are happy with how you are...then continue being happy with how you are.

 

Sorry, I know I wrote alot.  But your post interested me!

 

 

[LifeCycle]

For me it's the worst thing.  Constantly tormented by it.  Well not sex itself... That fact that it exists and my wife has zero interest in it... Been 5 months now since this married man last got any.

 

Which is why I'm really anti-Christianity when it comes to our sexual nature.  I think it causes so much damage early on for some people.  It guilts them into submerging that side of themselves for so long, for many it just dies off and never comes back to life.

[Adrianime]

For me it's the worst thing.  Constantly tormented by it.  Well not sex itself... That fact that it exists and my wife has zero interest in it... Been 5 months now since this married man last got any.

 

Which is why I'm really anti-Christianity when it comes to our sexual nature.  I think it causes so much damage early on for some people.  It guilts them into submerging that side of themselves for so long, for many it just dies off and never comes back to life.

 

Man, that's terrible!  I hope you talk to her and work through that.  I'd start thinking like..."So how are we not just really good friends, if we aren't even 'doin' it'?" 

[LifeCycle]

 

For me it's the worst thing.  Constantly tormented by it.  Well not sex itself... That fact that it exists and my wife has zero interest in it... Been 5 months now since this married man last got any.

 

Which is why I'm really anti-Christianity when it comes to our sexual nature.  I think it causes so much damage early on for some people.  It guilts them into submerging that side of themselves for so long, for many it just dies off and never comes back to life.

 

Man, that's terrible!  I hope you talk to her and work through that.  I'd start thinking like..."So how are we not just really good friends, if we aren't even 'doin' it'?" 

 

Heh, I hear ya, man.  I wish I had a good answer.

[KBB]

Well, I actually had to take pills to start my puberty, so I think that's why I have a low sex drive. I was already born with a hormonal imbalance and may not even be able to have kids because I only have one uterus. So...ya...there are factors that probable contribute, though I suppose next time I see my gynocologist I may ask about it. And, though I don't have a want for sex, I still like affection in that I love hugs and I like to find excuses to give hugs. Sometimes, I just feel like giving people big hugs, but it wouldn't be approprite, and it makes me sad. They make me feel warm and loved. I guess sex is just one of those feelings that you just...know, or so it seems. I suppose sex being linked to your idenity makes sense as I've never really felt...identified by my gender. It's like....I'm a girl, which means I carry around a baby for nine months, but...that's it. I just don't feel like a girl or a guy...just...me. I also suppose thatt's why people make a thing of, "If you lust after someone, it's a sin," if you just think about it. I think I might've rejected Christianity much sooner if I had a sex drive, because I hate feeling like my acts that don't hurt anyone, and are indeed natural, are being compromised. I always hated doing things, or not doing things, that didn't have much reason for it. I guess I never really appreciated the idea that you're ideas and desires are considered sinful and evil by religious people, but then you need these desires to keep life going.

I suspect what you mean is that you only have one ovary.  As a general rule, all females only have one uterus.  Assuming this is correct, and you do only have one ovary, this could potentially explain your lack of a sex drive.  Men, in general, have a stronger sex drive than females because they produce more testosterone.  The ovaries (and adrenal glands) secrete a small amount of testosterone, which is also responsible for the female sex drive.  The ovaries secrete two main hormones- estrogen and progesterone, which are responsible for development of the secondary sex characteristics and for preparing the uterus for the possible implantation of a blastocyst, should fertilization occur.  Your hormone replacement therapy may consist of estrogen and progesterone, but maybe not testosterone.  This could be the cause of your libido problems.  I would ask your OB/GYN the next time you see him or her.  

[Galien]

For me it's the worst thing.  Constantly tormented by it.  Well not sex itself... That fact that it exists and my wife has zero interest in it... Been 5 months now since this married man last got any.

 

Which is why I'm really anti-Christianity when it comes to our sexual nature.  I think it causes so much damage early on for some people.  It guilts them into submerging that side of themselves for so long, for many it just dies off and never comes back to life.

I'd be insisting she get some help. I don't get why women don't think this is a serious threat to their marriage.

[Kurari]

 

I suppose I just want to know about relationships. What does it feel like to be in love, how would you even know? How do you know if you want sex, what does that feel like? Is it really so...unavoidable? It's also awkward talking about this stuff because I feel like an alien looking in at all these weird human feelings, if that makes since. I also have this feeling that I wouldn't be making such issues about my non-issues if Christians didn't, if that makes sense. If everyone around around me was just fine with sex and the like, I kinda feel like I wasn't this weirdo person not feeling what I was supposed to. I know this topic is random, but I just feel like I needed to get this stuff out.

 

 

It's pretty unmistakable when you're in love, if you happen to be a romantic asexual. If you're aromantic, it's not something that will affect you. 

 

Sexual drive itself is a need like breathing, eating, and sleeping. Have you ever been so hungry you can't think of anything but food? Sex is a lot like that. It's an urge. It's not unavoidable. For humans, it's not about procreation, though that's the obvious big part of it. Mostly, we do it for the intense pleasure it gives and for bonding with other people. 

 

Sex is often the boogey-man in a lot of religions because it can get out of control with some pretty dire consequences such as STD's and unwanted pregnancies. Back before we had decent health care with testing and protection, those things frequently ended in death. Which is scary. I guess it became a moral issue in an effort to control what can feel uncontrollable. 

 

Thankfully today we have MUCH better health care and ways of avoiding and treating STD's and unwanted pregnancies. But such a heavy moral history over the topic sticks around and still causes problems. 

 

Sexual drive is also privy to things like genetics, stress, medications, age, pregnancy, illness, and so on. Most people can expect it to wax and wane throughout their lives. Even a great many asexuals have a sex drive, but they have no orientation towards anyone. 

 

You're not weird.

[ExCBooster]

(A way-too-much-info aside: Sharks are an exception: they do, indeed, have two uteri. Oh, and most birds have only one functioning ovary, too, saves on the weight - they have to get airborne, you know, and every little bit counts.)

 

On a somewhat more serious note, there's always the Laci Green youtube series of sexology videos. Very good for a frank discussion of stuff.

[RipVanWinkle]

kurari: I disagree with you on only one thing: Religions do not put such a negative light on sex because it can cause major problems. It jumps on sex as a way of controlling its flock because it is so

pleasurable. That makes it ideal for use to subjugate its followers. And for some reason, we humans are

easily persuaded to feel guilty about something that gives us pleasure. Oh boy, is that ever exploited

by religion. bill

[ClaraOlive]

When I was a Christian, I had no real issues with not having sex/waiting for marriage. I was curious and I didn't want to be left out, and because of that, as a teenager I had some non-vaginal sexual contact with some boys (which I have no regrets about) but I didn't personally feel much lust or passion or desire. When I got married, I was still very sexually naive, but had the idea that it wouldn't be any problem to have sex with my new Christian husband. I HATED it. In two years, it never stopped being painful and stressful. I think now that because we started having problems right away, I was never willing to be vulnerable with him because I knew he would use it against me later and because he shared intimate details about me with some of his friends, and it made sex very uncomfortable.

 

After the divorce, I was still not against having sex with anyone at any time, but I didn't have a desire to seek it out and after a while was fine with dating a man with seemingly a very low sex drive. The sex we did have wasn't all that good (I know now), but it was non-painful and non-frequent. Eventually however, I felt dissatisfied, not just with a lack of sex, but that the disinterest in sex on his part seemed like just an aspect of a more general disinterest in the relationship except as a convenience or a comfort zone. After that, I had a one night stand with an acquaintance, and it was the first time I'd ever really enjoyed sex for the sake of sex. I did not love him and pretty quickly determined that he was not the kind of person I wanted a relationship with and distanced myself. I did feel much more positive toward sex though - and it was the first time that I'd had sex without feeling "Christian interference" or any influence from all the Christian guilt and pressure from the past.

 

I'm not recommending that anyone else do it that way, or saying that you should or will start being open to sex when you're further from Christianity, but for me personally, it definitely made a big difference to be living my own pressure-free life. Sex is an important part of a relationship to me now, but I was repulsed and frozen up when everything was always all about sexual purity.

[Tzarza]

(Warning: Nerd approaching)
If we consider the patriarchal family structure in most societies where Abrahamic religions held sway 1000 years ago (and even much more recent), withholding sex was for both safety and control. Because modern medicine has changed the consequences of extra-marital sex, religion's reasons for sticking to moralistic policies have had to evolve. 

 

Long ago, withholding sex until marriage insured the purity of a family's line. It wasn't necessarily a command from one man on high to control masses, but certainly ensured control between fathers/husbands and their then-'property' daughters/wives. Today, as much as we are against the idea that a woman's worth is determined by her 'sexual purity', then it was a reality women had to live with. When a man married a woman, it wasn't so much a 'clean uterus', a 'pure heart', or love he was looking for, but security for his genetic code (heirs). Marriage was about making babies, and the risk of giving scarce resources a stranger's baby was not tolerated. Also echoing what Kurari said, the consequences of extra-marital sex were also often extremely dire. Whether it was family shame, physical malady, or a bastard child, any sex outside of marriage a long time ago meant that a girl's physical health and stability was compromised. This in turn, could compromise the physical and mental health of her spouse and family-to-be. 

Today, the health concerns aren't so dire, and traditional patriarchal family structure is dissolving. We've made safe-premarital sex a common reality. Therefore being against pre-marital sex today is a hold-over from the property mentality, and it is mostly about control. The language around it has evolved to be described as 'emotional and physical purity'. Although being physically tainted was once an issue, emotional taint (due to pre-marital sex) is bollocks. Some people want to wait until marriage to have sex despite what religion they do or don't have. That's ok. It's also ok to be asexual. But today, when someone is against any kind of pre-marital sex, the only reason they can have is mental or emotional control over another person.


 

[Tzarza]

I suppose that answered why controlling sex was so important. 

 

I'd say that sex itself is important because of the connection it brings to people. Most people desire (among many things) both physical and emotional intimacy. Sex is a way of fulfilling both of those needs. Using lots of feel-good-chemicals in the body, sex also acts like an addictive drug. After experiencing it, the body can have serious cravings for that rush of feel-good chemicals.

 

I also second the idea that wanting sex is like being hungry. It's not a need that left unfulfilled will kill you (like air, or food), but sometimes you just get the feeling that you want sex in the same way you want a cookie or piece of cheesecake. (Of course, it depends on the person and situation what their craving is like). There's also a very satisfied feeling after, like having just eaten said cookie or cheesecake. It feels good to fulfill needs/desires.