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Free In Me!


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Before I was born my parents were non-believers. My dad was a musician in working men's clubs and would spend most of his money on beer, which would piss my mom off no end. When I came along (by accident) my parents decided to get me dedicated in a Pentecostal church and that was the moment my parents lives changed forever. They became born again. My dad gave up his job in the clubs and stopped drinking, instead he played his piano in church "for god". From that day I have been constantly reminded of how it was all because of me, I am the reason they came to "know" christ. I grew up feeling proud that god had somehow used me for good. Whenever my mom and dad would witness (which was a lot!) they would always say, "it's all because of Hayley's dedication that we got saved" and I would feel the pride swell up inside of me. I continued on in my faith for a long time. I remember countless struggles in school where I would speak out and make a stand for jesus. My parents encouraged this and I became alienated from my friends. I would come home and cry and my mom would pray for peace for me. Their answer was to always pray. When I got into my teens I became rebellious. I met my now husband Jon at the age of 15 and things got serious between us very quickly. We started having sex, which was what I wanted but I felt dirty and ashamed at the same time. You know that saying, 'god sees everything', well that used to really freak me out when it came to intimacy. I began to drift away from god and the church and for a few years was happy partying and having a good time. I always still believed in god though and felt it was just a break while I had some fun. Jon and I married and I had my first child. Jon worked long hours so I would spend lots of time at my moms house and I started going back to church with them and that's when I recommitted my life to christ for the 2nd time. Throughout my time as an adult Christian, I began to see and hear things in the church that didn't add up, like, gossiping and jealousy. I was especially targeted being a worship leader and was in the middle of countless meetings over who was playing what and when. What was once a joy became a burden as rotas and photocopying chord sheets took over what I believed was the true meaning of worship. I began to question people's motives and began to see so much pride in the hearts of these people. I was so distressed that I ended up having a breakdown. I could see the falseness of these people, with their mouths they would say "it's all about you Jesus" when really they were just edging closer to the microphone wanting to be heard. Worship was my life, I had studied it, wrote songs and spent hours and hours in total abandonment to god in worship. This was the real deal for me and when cracks began to appear in the worship team and I began to see these people for what they really were, which was fame hungry bigots, I completely lost the plot. People would try and comfort me and say "don't look to man, look to god". And I did try, I really did. But the whole church set up just began to seem so wrong to me. When I finally left for good it was like leaving a bad marriage. I felt so relieved and so free it was unbelievable. It was the happiest time ever. I continued on in my relationship with Jesus but slowly started to see cracks in that too. Once the worship and hype of church life was taken away there was little left. Even the bible stopped making sense. I began to start thinking, maybe, just maybe this Christianity thing is made up. As I allowed myself the freedom to think these thoughts it was like learning to be me all over again. I had always believed my thoughts should be captive to Christ but now here I was thinking for myself. I found this experience liberating and exciting. And now instead of being free in Jesus, I am free in me, Hayley Boden and I'm happy for once in my life to be just that! Thank you for reading my story. Good luck to all in their journey of finding true freedom....in theirselves. XxX

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Thank you for sharing your testimony Hayley - welcome to the forums.  I'm glad to hear that you have been liberated from religion.  When did all of this take place?

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Thanks for the welcome. My deconversion has been a pretty slow process and started in 2011 when I left the church. It has only been the last 6 months or so that I have managed to be open with my family and friends about my beliefs or lack of. This in itself has been difficult but I'm gaining a new confidence in myself that I never had before. I'm so grateful for sites like this that prove you're not alone in your thinking. It really does help!

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So happy that you found your way out! It really is such a relief to have reality suddenly make sense.

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Did it suddenly make sense to you?

It didn't to me.  Goodness there's a lot more questions raised now...

 

I mean - the question of existence is much more difficult now.  Why does anything exist?  Why are we here?

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It makes sense that Xtianity is a myth. That's all. I don't have any idea why we are here, if there is raeason. Nor how mass and energy came to be. It has been asked for a very

long time: Why is there something rather than nothing? I don't expect to know the answer to those questions in this lifetime and probably never. But I do know, as much as I can

know anything (which is another question), that there is no malicious supernatural being up there or down here or both who is out to get me. If there really were a god like the

god of the bible, he clearly is out to get us, except for a few gullible people who

are his "chosen". The vicious bastard. But I'll never believe that again. bill

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  • 2 weeks later...

Welcome Haylpop, and thanks for sharing smile.png
 

 

Did it suddenly make sense to you?

It didn't to me.  Goodness there's a lot more questions raised now...

 

I mean - the question of existence is much more difficult now.  Why does anything exist?  Why are we here?

Those questions have simple answers, aldo it depends on how demanding you are.
- Why does anything exist?: Because it does! Thats the best answer you will ever get unless you grasp the concept of non-existence, wish is impossible since you exist and are incapable of not-existing at the same time.
- Why are we here?: This video explains it all:

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Welcome to freedom and this site. It is good to see that you have have managed to break free from Christianity.

 

Lol, it's funny how the Christians talk about being "free in Jesus" but that really makes no sense. Basically, you get to be free from the enslavement of the sinful nature you were forced to be born with, according to a book of fiction, only to be enslaved all over again by a sadistic narcissist! That is irony at its finest, I suppose. You get to become free just to become enslaved all over again by a new master...

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hayley, were you and I living the same life in parallel universes? Wow, I could have written the exact same story about my music ministry experience. You are not the only one, my dear. Uncanny similarities to my church life in the music corner.

 

If you need further affirmation that you were not the only one or that you were not crazy, you can google "church musician burn-out" and similar search words. However, it sounds like maybe you are past that need -- good for you!

 

Crazyguy, you totally nailed it with "enslavement," "sadistic narcissist" (Biblegod and my former pastor both!), and "new master." That's exactly what it was for me. It's oddly comforting (and yet enraging) to know that this is a universal problem, and not just me.

 

Thanks for sharing, Hayley.

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