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Regrets And Some Other Stuff


LivingLife
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Prelude: As some of you know, my wife passed away last Sunday and while folk have been supportive there were many praying for you posts on FB

 

Regrets: (warning, long post but need to get this off my chest)

My SIL's husband and I were musing over religious concepts, atheism and belief and faith and other things yesterday; something we have never discussed before. This came from a tangent topic.

One of my FB friends posted a pic citing a 20 century atheist and I posted this comment;


I have come to realise that everyone is more or less in the same boat. Some folk simply need to have answers for why shit happens. There is no answer or reason, it happens to both good and bad folks and really belief in an invisible deity does not seem to sway life outcomes in any shape or form.

If anything, we are all at the mercy of the destiny formed by the choices we have made in the past, sometimes life just throws us too many curve-balls and then we die...

I think reality is no respector of persons or their opinions. Perhaps, some like to call this reality god.

Understand that being a rationalist, I have to work through these issues. I really do not care what my FB friends believe or not and I am friends with them not their beliefs or doctrine or religion.

Atheism as a word carries so much baggage in the eyes of many theists such as we are deluded by satan (another imaginary being), we serve this satan etc. The word satan was derived from the Hebrew word Sawtawn or Sawtan. It simply means adversary and could mean your inner angry self, the bad things we may wish on folk if they do us or our families harm or an external influence (real not imaginary). It is pretty hard to worship that no?

Atheism in it's simplest definition is lack of belief in deities.

With that out the way to set the context, I was discussing regrets and philosophising of bad decisions I had made.

I have already mentioned that after Elaine and I met, got engaged, we lived together for 3 years intimately and other than tradition, there was no need for a traditional marriage. Our relationship had gone from friends to lovers in a shortish space of time and falling in love was a gradual process. I definitely was not smitten and neither was she. Perhaps this is why it lasted 30 years. It still had many years to go had things turned out differently.

The "norms" of society, religious beliefs of both our parents "required" that we get married. Of course back then there was a tax benefit for me but then her tax went up rather drastically. You see, another religious/societal norm that decrees a woman's place is at home, making babies and being subservient to her man. Considering that we men are mere sperm donors in the process of reproduction, we really should have the women in charge OFFICIALLY. I know they are in charge and just let us men think we are. :)

I do not regret our marriage and of course many girls grow up dreaming and planning that special day. Marriage itself is no guarantee and while the pulipteer may say "what god has joined let no man set asunder", it is ironic that secular laws override these lifetime "godly" vows and contracts so easily. Like everything in life, marriage is something that requires our daily input to be successful. People say you have to work at it. BS. If the love was true to begin with, that should sustain it forever. Infidelity was never on the cards for either of us as we had a great intimate life together.

I was saying stuff got in the way of life, we lost our wanderlust to discover new things, the societal norms pressured us to buy cars and houses and slowly we became prisoners to our possessions. Later in life when the kids were born, society and tradition required that we christen the kids. Had I been following my parents religion, this would have been a conflict of interest as they did none of that. This was the bait that pulled me into religion and led to me becoming a stupid fundamentalist believing in silly apocalyptic scenarios and shit like the rapture etc.

The 90s gulf war and the turn of the century had everyone in a tizz as the evangelical woos had got the message out that there was 2000 years between creation and Noah, 2000 years between Noah and Jesus, and 2000 since Jesus, he would return and there would be 1000 (millennial reign) making up 7000 years and matching the days of creation and 7 being god's "perfect" number (who the f**k decided 7 is his number? I know 777 gets the jackpot at the casinos, perhaps someone got their faith in chance and god mixed up). Of course, the flood never happened, the earth is 4.7 billion years old but somehow with my childhood indoctrination, these fears resurfaced and at the time I was not really well read in the bible as I now am.

At the time I was pretty much agnostic and it really did not matter. We were living life carefree and enjoying every moment of it. Without the "tradition" I would never had gone to adult catechism, did that only so I could also answer questions when my daughter was born and not having to stand up there silent like a dork. The process shamed me as the vow to bring up the child in the ways of "god", Elaine was asked by name to answer so my not being part of klub was embarrassing and a subtle way of shaming me in front of the congregation.

Like anything in life, when I commit I gave it my all, the church borrowed my PA system for a tent revival and via my love for music got sucked into praise and worship, one thing led to another and then we were regular attendees giving over our children's immature minds to the indoctrination of the church by Sunday school teachers and so on. As time progressed, this orthodox form of christianity did not work for me, all going through the motions and I was looking for more. Ultimately this search and service to an imaginary god made me lose focus again and I neglected my family. Elaine was supportive of any direction I took philosophically, she had been brought up to submit which she did, not that asked her to. She had the kids to keep her occupied and never dropped the ball on that once.

Later, as fate would have it, I ventured out to start a business and we made a shit load of money. Of course, I tithed over 300k to the church and over and above that financed, church lighting projects, their whole sound stage requirements. I lost three base amplifiers to theft which the churches NEVER replaced, I simply went and bought a new one, can you say sucker yet?

With big money and prosperity gospel, remember ALL of this was happening to me b/c "god", nothing to do with me working 16 hours a day to make the business a success, proving myself to many clients to be honest, reliable and deliver on my promises et al. So I was required to buy very expensive cars (also for tax purposes - its a trap) and so by now I was FUBAR. Having lots of money, Elaine focussed on helping others. I too helped and gave unconditionally. We really were still plain people. The stress of the job made me go bald in a matter of 3 years.

The problem was b/c of societal "norms" influences by religious indoctrination, we pretty much went off the tracks. We never fell out of love but we could have done better.

Agnostic me from the 80s would definitely not blown 300k on an investment in "cosmic real estate", had I simply blown that on say 6 awesome vacations for my kids, as my BIL said, the content of the video montage we did would have had different content, I would have more pleasant memories to hold onto and cherish. In this mayhem of what we deem "normal" society, you got to admit it is pretty fucked up. We are zombies to the system that have a false perception we have free will, we don't. The politicians and the preachers all make us drink their Kool Aide and we trade our here and now to become slaves to the "SYSTEM" whether it be the church or politics or both.

I will share another example. With this AA and BEE and gender equality shit, it is all a "mafia system" to benefit a very small portion of the black population. The BEE partner usually adds no value to the business and the white owner marks up the price of tenders submitted by 51% and in any other world, this would be called extortion and/or fraud. It also happens in the UK and the US in the form of lobbyists. The politicians are ALL in the pockets of the 1% corporates. You see, the whole system of their survival depends on us breeding and expanding the population. I told everyone, I cannot be party to a system that openly does business with backhanders and bribes, just because 9/10 do it and are well off, I would rather keep my ethics and integrity than to fall foul of what has to be an "evil system"

If you watched the movie 2012, only the rich were able to buy their way onto a survival of the richest scenario. There is some truth in that sadly.

Look how they keep us occupied with toys, reality Tee Vee and sports. A lot of this has become the defining factor in many folks lives. Religion migrated to Radio, then Tee Vee then the internet.

ALL OF THIS SHIT DOES NOT MATTER in the bigger scheme of things. I think as a species, we have lost the prime focus of living and it should NOT be to appease and invisible, undetectable and imaginary deity OR becoming slaves to a system we had no say in its design.

Had I stayed rebellious to "THE MAN" like I was in the 80s, not got sucked into the allure of prosperity and kept it simple with fewer possessions, I really think we both would have been happier than we were. As it turned out, my decisions took Elaine on a Roller Coaster ride I am sure she did not sign up for. Yes we had good and bad times but if not for this need to conform, it would have been more awesome.

Now I face the mundane task of sorting out the "possessions" onto my name which means the "man" is gonna screw me again.

Trouble is, once you have subscribed to the system, there is no strategic exit one can make. Kinda sad if you think about it.

I have promised my kids I will take them on that 84 holiday their mom and I enjoyed so much and show them all we saw. If it is not too prohibitive, I will hire a camper. So I guess I will get to do the awesome trip again. I think Elaine would have liked THIS idea the most.

TY for reading this far and please do not take offence to my personal philosophy. The conclusions I have reached were a 5+ year journey "looking for god" but sadly the deeper I went down the rabbit hole, the more lies I discovered. Like I said earlier, you are my friend b/c we share some common interests.

 

I went onto say this:

 

I know there were many praying and others hoping for a different outcome for Elaine. The hopeful are merely disappointed and the prayerful silent on the lack of answer to the petitions to their god. My FB friends did not really offer me the "better place" excuse and if some did I did not make an issue of it. It is the same sentiment merely using different semantics.

Had Elaine recovered, I am sure I would have had many PTL posts but I would have reminded them that medical Science and the ability of the body to heal itself needed to be "praised". Sadly this option was not on the table for Elaine as whatever caused the aneurysm was too far gone after the third seizure, the one from which she did not recover. We already knew Tuesday night last week, the prognosis was bad but we hoped against evidence that she may have recovered counting on her will to live.

Fortunately, all my family was together when the first seizure occurred so we all knew no one was to "blame", this all started with her migraine the week before and it was coincidence that it happened at the breakdown on the Delmas road.

Like I said, this was one curve ball too many for Elaine and none of us, including the doctors suspected something in the brain. She was too cognitive even after number two and being slightly obese, probably led folk to the sugar + history + other symptoms not = to anything serious. She was not showing signs of a stroke except for the last one which was a mild one anyway. Even after that, there was contortions on her face, she was still having mild fits. The only one that diagnosed what was wrong with her correctly is my son-in-law. By the time they started administering anti fit medication, too much time had elapsed and other complications set in.

Believe me I was pushing everyone to try harder including Elaine.

 

 

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Hang in there LL.  I wish you peace during this difficult time.

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My best wishes to you during this difficult time.

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Guest MadameX

I am so sorry to hear of your wife's death.

 

Your story was really very interesting to read.

 

I wish you the best during this very difficult time.

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  • Super Moderator

Wishing you the best during these crappy times. Looking back, you know it was all worth it. Be strong.

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Dear Living Life, please accept my condolences on the passing of your beloved wife Elaine.  Words are inadequate at a time like this, but just know that we, the Ex-C community, are here for you and are keeping you in our thoughts.

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What a beautiful picture of the two of you.....I am so sorry.....

And what you shared was very poignant....definitely gave me something to think about. 

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  • Moderator

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife LivingLife. Thank you for sharing that story. The biggest hug in the world for you today.

 

Live life for her everyday.

 

Sincerely, Margee

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One does often look back and think on how much different things could have been, what we should have done, and how much different things would be if we would have known sooner. The coulda, shoulda, wouldas or unforgiving, but you have to remember they are unrealistic. For every choice we make, there is always a better one out there. I think, with the circumstances you found yourself in and on occasion allowed yourself to be wrapped up in (i.e. church), it would seem you two still had a very enjoyable existence together. Whether a slave to the system, or blinded by a false deity for a time, you both still had a commitment to one another that rose above those needs. I think the biggest emotional pitfall in our single opportunity at life is that there is not enough time to do everything that is out there or make up for bad decisions. That's why we have to take solace in the gains from those experiences. Whether it be a lesson learned, or even though you are poorer than when you first started out as a couple, your love with your beautiful Elaine obviously got richer. Any material goods she left behind will not last the lifetime you have left- but her love and memory will.

 

<3

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She was truely a beautiful lady. I love that picture of you two. 

 

And I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope only for peace and smoothness for you in this difficult time. 

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  • Super Moderator

I'm so sorry for your loss, LL. I really hope you take that trip with your kids. It will be such a tribute to Elaine.

 

Wrap yourself in her love and take care of yourself.

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Truly sorry for your great loss! There is no way to make sense of it. I hope you treasure the good times and memories. ((hug))

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TY all. Today was extremely hard. The loneliness is starting to kick in as I had very little to keep me occupied. All my cyber friends have been awesome in their support.

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  • 2 weeks later...

TY all. Today was extremely hard. The loneliness is starting to kick in as I had very little to keep me occupied. All my cyber friends have been awesome in their support.

(((hug)))

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You lived and loved together. 

 

You raised two kids together. 

 

You experienced life together. 

 

Never regret that. 

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Sorry that this happened to you LL and I have to say that I admire your courage looking back and warning younger folks like me with statements like;

 

 

ALL OF THIS SHIT DOES NOT MATTER in the bigger scheme of things. I think as a species, we have lost the prime focus of living and it should NOT be to appease and invisible, undetectable and imaginary deity OR becoming slaves to a system we had no say in its design.

 

I am trying HARD to live this way but it's not easy when all my friends and family are focused on "success" and my wife and I are focused on "living"...

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