Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hi everyone! I just had the most ridiculous conversation with my mom. she wants to take my 5 yr old to bible study and bring her back ( realistically) around 10 pm ( she says 8 but that almost always turns into 10) so she sends a text saying she is going to come get her in 10 min and I replied no. she says she is coming anyways (because she thinks I wouldn't say no) I reply no and don't come because I don't want my kids to whine about it ( I have a 6 yr old as well) and she replies with "who is this" and I say my name then she replies if it is really me texting then to call her ( she thought it was my bf). So I go ahead and give her a call. basically she tells me that its not like me to say no to her taking the kids to church ( I recently deconverted and they aren't aware of it yet) and she goes on to ask why and I basically said that my 5 yr old hasn't been listening ALL day long and I told her she cant go anywhere. My mom tries to tell me that I'm wrong for making my kids listen to me and stick to my word. ( I reminded her that I was raised the same way and she says "not with going to church" and its not like me blah blah blah. trying to blame my bf and saying he is controlling me and other nonsense. I told her it has nothing to do with my bf and they are MY kids and need to listen to me. And she says wow and hangs up in my face... also she has been telling my kids not to listen to anyone ( my bf, who doesn't tell them anything or try to discipline them anyways) and this resulted in them coming back very disrespectful and my 6 yr old has been not listening to her teachers at school. Also I didn't let them go to my moms house for nearly a month and they were very well behaved and my 6 yr old was on green ( very good alll day) at school that entire time! anyone else have to deal with family like this?? ( also my 6 yr old spent the night at my moms and was on red ( not listening) today.. ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Well it sounds like your kids and bf are okay. Good for you. Maybe you should lock your mom out for a while until she gets the message. It sounds like you have a system for teaching your kids to listen. That is very important. I have the hardest time getting mine to listen so I feel for you. They are your kids and your mother needs to respect your authority. I hope things get better for you. Christianity harms families in all kinds of ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest r3alchild Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 If she comes over and tries to force your kids out of your hands, first tell her what you want to say to her and and stay calm, then if she gets forceful about it warn her of your rights if she still does not listen call the police and stay calm. You have rights and no matter who it is who invades your rights you need to stand your ground. Don't get over emotional to the point that you can't see that your own mother is a rat bag. Always be extremely kind to her, but when you have to put the gloves on and thump her be even kinder. Fuck god Fuck the world But don't fuck yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 yes I always try to be calm. my bf says he doesnt know how I do it lol, but yes my family is extremely overbearing and I already do not go over to their house at all so they only see the kids when they come pick them up, but I only let them because the kids want to see them. the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. I agree with both of your posts sometimes my fam make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 . . . the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. Oh do it! You will like that. I had family that was overbearing and having just enough space that they can only see me a few times per year worked out great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesG Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Boundaries are important as I am sure you are well aware raising kids and all we need to establish boundaries to help them navigate the world they are in and it also helps give them comfort and a sense of self-control. Same thing works with parents. Establish some boundaries with your mom. Let her know what she can and cant teach her kids. If she breaks your rules you give her a time out period start with a week of no access to your kids and everytime there after she continues to break your rules extend the time-out period by a day. This is conditioning If you hold firm to this she will come around. This should also help you get around the awkward conversation that you are de converted since it might not be the right time for you to come out of the closet just yet as I could see that making her get more out of control and trying to manipulate your kids. Once you get a solid set of boundaries setup then it might be a safer time to come out to her but that's just my advice take it with a grain of salt and good luck you'll need it I moved 3000 miles away from my family for a reason although I am closer now I needed to get that separation to help get my own voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest r3alchild Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 yes I always try to be calm. my bf says he doesnt know how I do it lol, but yes my family is extremely overbearing and I already do not go over to their house at all so they only see the kids when they come pick them up, but I only let them because the kids want to see them. the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. I agree with both of your posts sometimes my fam make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Life is about you and being happy, christians always say its about others, but not when you remain unhappy. When you are unhappy you don't treat others with the right motives, first find and do what makes you happy then you will be motivated the right way towards others even if those motives are not what others want. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hi everyone! I just had the most ridiculous conversation with my mom. she wants to take my 5 yr old to bible study and bring her back ( realistically) around 10 pm ( she says 8 but that almost always turns into 10) so she sends a text saying she is going to come get her in 10 min and I replied no. she says she is coming anyways (because she thinks I wouldn't say no) I reply no and don't come because I don't want my kids to whine about it ( I have a 6 yr old as well) and she replies with "who is this" and I say my name then she replies if it is really me texting then to call her ( she thought it was my bf). So I go ahead and give her a call. basically she tells me that its not like me to say no to her taking the kids to church ( I recently deconverted and they aren't aware of it yet) and she goes on to ask why and I basically said that my 5 yr old hasn't been listening ALL day long and I told her she cant go anywhere. My mom tries to tell me that I'm wrong for making my kids listen to me and stick to my word. ( I reminded her that I was raised the same way and she says "not with going to church" and its not like me blah blah blah. trying to blame my bf and saying he is controlling me and other nonsense. I told her it has nothing to do with my bf and they are MY kids and need to listen to me. And she says wow and hangs up in my face... also she has been telling my kids not to listen to anyone ( my bf, who doesn't tell them anything or try to discipline them anyways) and this resulted in them coming back very disrespectful and my 6 yr old has been not listening to her teachers at school. Also I didn't let them go to my moms house for nearly a month and they were very well behaved and my 6 yr old was on green ( very good alll day) at school that entire time! anyone else have to deal with family like this?? ( also my 6 yr old spent the night at my moms and was on red ( not listening) today.. ) Tell her everyone is playing with the Ouija board right now and cannot be disturbed. :-) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Hi everyone! I just had the most ridiculous conversation with my mom. she wants to take my 5 yr old to bible study and bring her back ( realistically) around 10 pm ( she says 8 but that almost always turns into 10) so she sends a text saying she is going to come get her in 10 min and I replied no. she says she is coming anyways (because she thinks I wouldn't say no) I reply no and don't come because I don't want my kids to whine about it ( I have a 6 yr old as well) and she replies with "who is this" and I say my name then she replies if it is really me texting then to call her ( she thought it was my bf). So I go ahead and give her a call. basically she tells me that its not like me to say no to her taking the kids to church ( I recently deconverted and they aren't aware of it yet) and she goes on to ask why and I basically said that my 5 yr old hasn't been listening ALL day long and I told her she cant go anywhere. My mom tries to tell me that I'm wrong for making my kids listen to me and stick to my word. ( I reminded her that I was raised the same way and she says "not with going to church" and its not like me blah blah blah. trying to blame my bf and saying he is controlling me and other nonsense. I told her it has nothing to do with my bf and they are MY kids and need to listen to me. And she says wow and hangs up in my face... also she has been telling my kids not to listen to anyone ( my bf, who doesn't tell them anything or try to discipline them anyways) and this resulted in them coming back very disrespectful and my 6 yr old has been not listening to her teachers at school. Also I didn't let them go to my moms house for nearly a month and they were very well behaved and my 6 yr old was on green ( very good alll day) at school that entire time! anyone else have to deal with family like this?? ( also my 6 yr old spent the night at my moms and was on red ( not listening) today.. ) Tell her everyone is playing with the Ouija board right now and cannot be disturbed. :-) lol I know! its not just my mom it is about half of my family! I feel like I try to be respectful yet they constantly disrespect me. And I did realize that I am not happy, I dont want my kids to grow up with all the lies of christianity. I have heard them say the craziest things about me.. but telling me that I'm wrong for sticking to my word with my kids is insane! I kind of feel like this was the last straw with them. I dont want them around my kids without me there. I am sure they are talking negatively about me in front of them and its confusing my children. Also I am pregnant and I dont even want to share that with them because of all the negative comments they will make( I'm not married, nor do I have plans to ever get married again) my grandmother came up and tried to pray for me saying she KNOWS that I want to get married and I need to be married to jesus first lmao- right. Its funny because they have tried sooo hard to control me my whole life and I'm just not having it anymore!! I am making a point to be more postivie and be happy in my life I just feel like they are trying to drag me down into their bs and I mean it takes a lot for me NOT to sink down to their level of rudeness ( because I would be the bad guy) and I just dont want to sink down to their level for my own sake, so staying away is best. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest r3alchild Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Be as logical as spock and as wise as yoda. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 lol I know! its not just my mom it is about half of my family! I feel like I try to be respectful yet they constantly disrespect me. And I did realize that I am not happy, I dont want my kids to grow up with all the lies of christianity. I have heard them say the craziest things about me.. but telling me that I'm wrong for sticking to my word with my kids is insane! I kind of feel like this was the last straw with them. I dont want them around my kids without me there. I am sure they are talking negatively about me in front of them and its confusing my children. Also I am pregnant and I dont even want to share that with them because of all the negative comments they will make( I'm not married, nor do I have plans to ever get married again) my grandmother came up and tried to pray for me saying she KNOWS that I want to get married and I need to be married to jesus first lmao- right. Its funny because they have tried sooo hard to control me my whole life and I'm just not having it anymore!! I am making a point to be more postivie and be happy in my life I just feel like they are trying to drag me down into their bs and I mean it takes a lot for me NOT to sink down to their level of rudeness ( because I would be the bad guy) and I just dont want to sink down to their level for my own sake, so staying away is best. Sounds like you know just what to do. You have to be the adult when nobody else will. You are the adult to your children because they are still kids. You are the adult for your parents and extended family because they didn't grow up. So give them time outs until they learn to behave themselves. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardus Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Sounds like your family (mom notably) are control freaks. Probably due to the religion. At the moment you are trying to hold a line with them. They don't respect the line, and they don't respect you, your bf, or your kids. Time to cut them out. (My sister had to do so with my folks so I know it's not easy.) First: tell them about your deconversion in clear terms. They won't be able to hear you very well, but tell them anyway. Second: don't let them have your kids anymore (at all). They are deliberately undermining your efforts to be a good parent. Third: DON'T back down. If they push too hard, threaten to get a restraining order against them. (My sister had to do that before the folks finally left her alone.) Lastly: be aware that they may never reconcile with you. Not easy, but it's your kids' lives and yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConureDelSol Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Way for grandma to undermine your authority as a parent. Dropping your kid off at a kids bible study is like sending them to freaking day camp. It's made to be fun. To your kid, it's a reward. Sending her there would be essentially rewarding her for bad behavior. Maybe try explaining your point of view? Like, if she had been trying to discipline you for being a brat all day and all of the sudden her mother decided she was going to take you to Chuck E. Cheese's, wouldn't she be kinda pissed? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astreja Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 I am making a point to be more postivie and be happy in my life I just feel like they are trying to drag me down into their bs and I mean it takes a lot for me NOT to sink down to their level of rudeness ( because I would be the bad guy) and I just dont want to sink down to their level for my own sake, so staying away is best. Sometimes you may have to play the bad guy to protect the ones you love. That doesn't mean that you are the bad guy, merely that you have become an inconvenient obstacle to someone else's desire to disrespect and control you. Put your own and your immediate family's safety and happiness first, and consider it an investment in your futures. If necessary, go full no-contact - Block or change channels of phone and e-mail communication, and cheerfully hang up without explanation the instant someone crosses one of your boundaries. Because when someone is abusing you, you owe them no explanation whatsoever. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Way for grandma to undermine your authority as a parent. Dropping your kid off at a kids bible study is like sending them to freaking day camp. It's made to be fun. To your kid, it's a reward. Sending her there would be essentially rewarding her for bad behavior. Maybe try explaining your point of view? Like, if she had been trying to discipline you for being a brat all day and all of the sudden her mother decided she was going to take you to Chuck E. Cheese's, wouldn't she be kinda pissed? I actually pointed this out to my mom and she said " not with church" . I just said, well she isnt going because I am going to stick to my word. my mom said "wow" and hung up... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Sounds like your family (mom notably) are control freaks. Probably due to the religion. At the moment you are trying to hold a line with them. They don't respect the line, and they don't respect you, your bf, or your kids. Time to cut them out. (My sister had to do so with my folks so I know it's not easy.) First: tell them about your deconversion in clear terms. They won't be able to hear you very well, but tell them anyway. Second: don't let them have your kids anymore (at all). They are deliberately undermining your efforts to be a good parent. Third: DON'T back down. If they push too hard, threaten to get a restraining order against them. (My sister had to do that before the folks finally left her alone.) Lastly: be aware that they may never reconcile with you. Not easy, but it's your kids' lives and yours. I agree. but it seems like it's my mom but my Grandparents are WORSE if you can believe it.. I haven't talked to them in about 2 months now. and I thought my mom was going to try and play nice but... stupid me for actually believe it ( or wanting to believe it) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 Be as logical as spock and as wise as yoda. when I speak logically to my family I might as well be speaking German to them...so I wisely stay away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 8, 2013 Author Share Posted May 8, 2013 I am making a point to be more postivie and be happy in my life I just feel like they are trying to drag me down into their bs and I mean it takes a lot for me NOT to sink down to their level of rudeness ( because I would be the bad guy) and I just dont want to sink down to their level for my own sake, so staying away is best. Sometimes you may have to play the bad guy to protect the ones you love. That doesn't mean that you are the bad guy, merely that you have become an inconvenient obstacle to someone else's desire to disrespect and control you. Put your own and your immediate family's safety and happiness first, and consider it an investment in your futures. If necessary, go full no-contact - Block or change channels of phone and e-mail communication, and cheerfully hang up without explanation the instant someone crosses one of your boundaries. Because when someone is abusing you, you owe them no explanation whatsoever. exactly! my mom actually tried to ruin my morning and here is why.. I sent her a text asking her if she gave my child $10 and then she went in a crazy rant and that ended up with her threatening to call the police , after she preached last night at church I talked to my best friend who's family is exactly like mine and I told her that its amazing that we both kept our sanity. I honestly feel like my family is insane. And for the record my children will no longer be around them without me, if at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 yes I always try to be calm. my bf says he doesnt know how I do it lol, but yes my family is extremely overbearing and I already do not go over to their house at all so they only see the kids when they come pick them up, but I only let them because the kids want to see them. the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. I agree with both of your posts sometimes my fam make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Life is about you and being happy, christians always say its about others, but not when you remain unhappy. When you are unhappy you don't treat others with the right motives, first find and do what makes you happy then you will be motivated the right way towards others even if those motives are not what others want. My family never wants to see me happy or successful. example of their christian love and giving: i was taking college classes last year for my business degree and my mom said she refuses to help me because I didn't agree with everything she said all the time. ( I had to get a smog check on my car and it didn't pass smog, I didn't have the money to get it checked out or fixed at the time so I couldn't register it ) so I asked her if I could use their truck ( I live about 30 min outside of town , and the bus runs like 3x a day) she flat out refused to help, so when I got my financial aid I bought another car, and then my mom had the nerve to ask me for my first car to help pay for her church bldg rent. I transferred title to her name and she didn't do anything with it, later I needed some food ( after helping them out with food earlier in the month) and she told me to get a job and called me a mooch... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 yes I always try to be calm. my bf says he doesnt know how I do it lol, but yes my family is extremely overbearing and I already do not go over to their house at all so they only see the kids when they come pick them up, but I only let them because the kids want to see them. the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. I agree with both of your posts sometimes my fam make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Life is about you and being happy, christians always say its about others, but not when you remain unhappy. When you are unhappy you don't treat others with the right motives, first find and do what makes you happy then you will be motivated the right way towards others even if those motives are not what others want. My family never wants to see me happy or successful. example of their christian love and giving: i was taking college classes last year for my business degree and my mom said she refuses to help me because I didn't agree with everything she said all the time. ( I had to get a smog check on my car and it didn't pass smog, I didn't have the money to get it checked out or fixed at the time so I couldn't register it ) so I asked her if I could use their truck ( I live about 30 min outside of town , and the bus runs like 3x a day) she flat out refused to help, so when I got my financial aid I bought another car, and then my mom had the nerve to ask me for my first car to help pay for her church bldg rent. I transferred title to her name and she didn't do anything with it, later I needed some food ( after helping them out with food earlier in the month) and she told me to get a job and called me a mooch... Wow just wow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdelsolray Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 yes I always try to be calm. my bf says he doesnt know how I do it lol, but yes my family is extremely overbearing and I already do not go over to their house at all so they only see the kids when they come pick them up, but I only let them because the kids want to see them. the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. I agree with both of your posts sometimes my fam make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Life is about you and being happy, christians always say its about others, but not when you remain unhappy. When you are unhappy you don't treat others with the right motives, first find and do what makes you happy then you will be motivated the right way towards others even if those motives are not what others want. My family never wants to see me happy or successful. example of their christian love and giving: i was taking college classes last year for my business degree and my mom said she refuses to help me because I didn't agree with everything she said all the time. ( I had to get a smog check on my car and it didn't pass smog, I didn't have the money to get it checked out or fixed at the time so I couldn't register it ) so I asked her if I could use their truck ( I live about 30 min outside of town , and the bus runs like 3x a day) she flat out refused to help, so when I got my financial aid I bought another car, and then my mom had the nerve to ask me for my first car to help pay for her church bldg rent. I transferred title to her name and she didn't do anything with it, later I needed some food ( after helping them out with food earlier in the month) and she told me to get a job and called me a mooch... Study the following words/concepts: Codependency Enabling Boundaries See how they exist, or do not exist, within your family relationships. Adjust to taste. Enjoy life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shia Posted May 9, 2013 Author Share Posted May 9, 2013 yes I always try to be calm. my bf says he doesnt know how I do it lol, but yes my family is extremely overbearing and I already do not go over to their house at all so they only see the kids when they come pick them up, but I only let them because the kids want to see them. the good news is I do have plans to move a few hours away from them. I agree with both of your posts sometimes my fam make me feel like I'm going crazy!!! Life is about you and being happy, christians always say its about others, but not when you remain unhappy. When you are unhappy you don't treat others with the right motives, first find and do what makes you happy then you will be motivated the right way towards others even if those motives are not what others want. My family never wants to see me happy or successful. example of their christian love and giving: i was taking college classes last year for my business degree and my mom said she refuses to help me because I didn't agree with everything she said all the time. ( I had to get a smog check on my car and it didn't pass smog, I didn't have the money to get it checked out or fixed at the time so I couldn't register it ) so I asked her if I could use their truck ( I live about 30 min outside of town , and the bus runs like 3x a day) she flat out refused to help, so when I got my financial aid I bought another car, and then my mom had the nerve to ask me for my first car to help pay for her church bldg rent. I transferred title to her name and she didn't do anything with it, later I needed some food ( after helping them out with food earlier in the month) and she told me to get a job and called me a mooch... Study the following words/concepts: Codependency Enabling Boundaries See how they exist, or do not exist, within your family relationships. Adjust to taste. Enjoy life. I always knew something was wrong growing up, with all the double standards and bs it just took me forever to see it for what it is and break away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardus Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 OK. lessee: you ask a simple question (Did you give my child money?) and she threatens to call police. You ask for help and get slammed. You try to give help and get insulted. Your mom (and probably others in the family) is f***d up bad. Get away now. Make a record of her threats, her impositions, etc. with dates and details. If she, or any others, bother you or yours again, call police, demand a restraining order, and file charges if there are any to file. Honestly you've got the most messed up and damaging mom I know of. You sure she's not part of the Westboro Baptist Church? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesG Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 on a lighter note why is 6 afraid of 7? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leopardus Posted May 9, 2013 Share Posted May 9, 2013 on a lighter note why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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