Not Allowed To Join Family At Dad's Funeral

[R. S. Martin]

A lot of people on these forums today had probably not yet joined at the time of my mother's funeral six years ago. After the hassle my family and their community put me through six years ago I decided never again. Now that Dad is really low, I informed one of my sisters about my plans not to go to the funeral.

 

Now here's the kicker. These people who love me so much hold a consultation or meeting of some kind and decide Ruby better be formally informed that because of her errant beliefs she does not qualify to be with the family on the day of the funeral.

 

I had already said I wasn't coming.

 

That they still consider it necessary to hold this meeting and make this call feels like they're rubbing salt in an open wound. I get the feeling they see me as ruthless, evil, untrustworthy, aggressive, etc. They certainly don't demonstrate trust.

 

I don't know how I will feel when the time actually comes but right now I think if this is the style of their "love," I'm done with this family. They had seemed to come around a few years after Mother's death and I had thought things were better. I'd posted on these forums about it. However, they're beginning to look like "fair weather friends," the kind of family who is nice only when it suits them.

 

I've got good friends with the local humanist group and a few of them agreed to have a memorial dinner with me in lieu of the funeral. I plan not even to go to visitation. Given the traditions and beliefs of my family and their community, I think if I partake of the parts of the funeral that I'm allowed to--visitation, sitting at the back, etc.--I'm affirming their dehumanizing beliefs. At this point, that's not something I feel willing to do.

 

They and their friends are going to say bad things about me anyway. I don't have to be there to hear it.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I can't believe this.  This is so hurtful.

[florduh]

So sorry you have one of "those" families. I think your alternate plan is a good one.

[par4dcourse]

I know it's painful, Ruby, but I so admire your not playing along with their head games.

[JamesG]

wow even for Christians that's just sadistic. Its like they are using your father's death as a tool to punish you that's sick.

[DrNo]

That is wrong on so many levels. Perhaps discussing their decision on a public forum like Facebook would be in order? I don't know if you share any of the same friends, but maybe there would be a few sane ones who could shame them into coming to their senses.

[SquareOne]

Religion makes me so sick I could vomit.

[flockoff]

I'm so sorry. Completely infantile and selfish of your family to do that to you, fuck them.

[LivingLife]

be strong and condolences. I too have dissed my siblings but for reasons pertaining to my mom's estate. It is not easy either way.

[Ramen666]

I fucking hate religon...this is totally uncalled for.

[TrueFreedom]

Sorry, Ruby.  Fuck them.  Save your energy for decent people.

[Overcame Faith]

I don't understand, Ruby.  Has your Dad already passed or are these words in contemplation of his death?  My confusion comes from these words in the OP, "Now that Dad is really low, I informed one of my sisters about my plans not to go to the funeral."  Maybe "really low" means his death.  I don't know.

[leopardus]

Glad you're taking it pretty well. And go on ya for being done with that lot.

My own family (ex and kids) won't  have anything to do with me now. Such a loving lot of followers of the 'god of love'. 

[mwc]

I think if I partake of the parts of the funeral that I'm allowed to...

     "Allowed to?"  I don't fully understand your old community I guess.  Is there some way they can legally stop you?  Just holding some meeting and expecting you to respect the outcome sounds like some bullshit wishful thinking.  Unless Canadian law says you have to respect the outcome I'd go and sit where I damned well felt liked sitting just out of spite.

 

          mwc

[R. S. Martin]

I don't understand, Ruby.  Has your Dad already passed or are these words in contemplation of his death?  My confusion comes from these words in the OP, "Now that Dad is really low, I informed one of my sisters about my plans not to go to the funeral."  Maybe "really low" means his death.  I don't know.

 

No message yet of his actual death but people think things are "shaping up" for a funeral. Gotta remember this is folk who truly think there's a better place than this planet. Dad always said this life is only a waiting room (like at a doctor's office). He won't have any kind of medical help that will prolong his life. So yes, these thoughts are in contemplation of his death.

[RipVanWinkle]

From a practical standpoint they can exclude her. The legality of it is irrelevant.

 

RS: Sorry you are being put through this. It is so ill conceived. bill

[R. S. Martin]

 

I think if I partake of the parts of the funeral that I'm allowed to...

     "Allowed to?"  I don't fully understand your old community I guess.  Is there some way they can legally stop you?  Just holding some meeting and expecting you to respect the outcome sounds like some bullshit wishful thinking.  Unless Canadian law says you have to respect the outcome I'd go and sit where I damned well felt liked sitting just out of spite.

 

          mwc

 

 

LOL!

 

This calls for some legal hair-splitting if you're going to take that approach. Here's a few facts for starters:

 

1. The biblical basis for the tradition of shunning is: 1 Cor. 5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.
2. They apply this to: Communion, formal meal at weddings and funerals. I'm allowed to eat but not at the family table.
3. This part of the funeral is held in a private home.

They will set places (plate, chair, etc.) for each person that is supposed to be sitting at the head or family table. The ushers will have a list of those people's names. There will be a scene, or even disruption of the peace in a private home, if I seat myself at the family table against the wishes of the powers that be. Those powers include siblings and their religious leaders.

 

I don't think I am any of those things mentioned in that verse. Maybe there's other verses. Possibly one verse mentions unbelievers. I'm not going to look them all up right now. The legal issues as I see them is "disrupting the peace in a private home." Anyway, I don't want to be the kind of person who does that, especially at a funeral and only for spite. I did get a laugh out of your post. Thanks for that.

 

...I read your post again.

 

expecting you to respect the outcome

 

I'm going to upset those expectations along with the family boat--by outwardly ignoring the event altogether.

 

That, my friend, is sacrilege and I expect to burn some bridges that are in dire need of burning.

[Deva]

Sorry to hear it Ruby.  Yet given what you have written about your family in the past, sorry I can't say I'm surprised.

[R. S. Martin]

I know it's painful, Ruby, but I so admire your not playing along with their head games.

 

Thank you, par, I needed that.

[Guest MadameX]

Your position is reasonable and fair; theirs is not. It is coercive and cruel.

 

It's not you, it's them.

 

Sorry it has to be like this.

[Overcame Faith]

 

I don't understand, Ruby.  Has your Dad already passed or are these words in contemplation of his death?  My confusion comes from these words in the OP, "Now that Dad is really low, I informed one of my sisters about my plans not to go to the funeral."  Maybe "really low" means his death.  I don't know.

 

No message yet of his actual death but people think things are "shaping up" for a funeral. Gotta remember this is folk who truly think there's a better place than this planet. Dad always said this life is only a waiting room (like at a doctor's office). He won't have any kind of medical help that will prolong his life. So yes, these thoughts are in contemplation of his death.

 

 

Now I understand.  I'm sorry to hear all of this.  It must be a very difficult situation.

[R. S. Martin]

This is going to seem a bit obsessive to some people but for me it often helps to think potential problems through ahead of time. Then if my brain freezes in time of crisis, I can fall back on the "rules" I put in place ahead of time. Does this plan make sense?

 

I've been trying to think how to be pro-active and not get hurt by angry or aggressive telephone calls, or people who just know what's best for me, etc. Maybe an aunt or a cousin calling to offer a ride to the funeral "so you can't use the excuse you didn't have a ride, because you have only one father." That's the kind of call I got when my mother died. I accepted the ride then, but I don't want to hear what they say if I decline.

 

Then there might also be siblings who wish to express shock and hurt and disappointment that I didn't so much as show up for the visitation. There may be anger disguised as apologies. Etc. I don't want to have to listen to this toxic stuff. I don't need any more manipulation. Fortunately, most of these people aren't on the internet.

 

At first I thought I could turn off the telephone for a few days. But that might prevent business calls or true friends from getting through.

 

I don't have caller ID but I know a person who lets all her calls go to the answering machine. Then when she hears that it's a call she wants to take she picks up. I'm thinking that might work. It would force people offering unwanted rides and advice, etc., to leave their telephone numbers and wait for me to call back. And I can just fail to return the call. Maybe eventually, the unwanted calls would taper off if I didn't return any of them. I don't want the hassle of changing my telephone number.

 

For those of you who have lived with the telephone all your lives, do you think that plan would work?

[milesaway]

This is going to seem a bit obsessive to some people but for me it often helps to think potential problems through ahead of time. Then if my brain freezes in time of crisis, I can fall back on the "rules" I put in place ahead of time. Does this plan make sense?

 

I've been trying to think how to be pro-active and not get hurt by angry or aggressive telephone calls, or people who just know what's best for me, etc. Maybe an aunt or a cousin calling to offer a ride to the funeral "so you can't use the excuse you didn't have a ride, because you have only one father." That's the kind of call I got when my mother died. I accepted the ride then, but I don't want to hear what they say if I decline.

 

Then there might also be siblings who wish to express shock and hurt and disappointment that I didn't so much as show up for the visitation. There may be anger disguised as apologies. Etc. I don't want to have to listen to this toxic stuff. I don't need any more manipulation. Fortunately, most of these people aren't on the internet.

 

At first I thought I could turn off the telephone for a few days. But that might prevent business calls or true friends from getting through.

 

I don't have caller ID but I know a person who lets all her calls go to the answering machine. Then when she hears that it's a call she wants to take she picks up. I'm thinking that might work. It would force people offering unwanted rides and advice, etc., to leave their telephone numbers and wait for me to call back. And I can just fail to return the call. Maybe eventually, the unwanted calls would taper off if I didn't return any of them. I don't want the hassle of changing my telephone number.

 

For those of you who have lived with the telephone all your lives, do you think that plan would work?

 

First and foremost, i'm so sorry your family is this petulant!! Thinking potential problems through ahead of time is a wise idea. If nothing else, it spares you further misery and drama in the long run. If i were you, i'd let the machine take my calls. If that's the way they're gonna treat you, then i'd say it's more than fair. I don't have caller ID on my land line either, and up until i had our number changed a couple months ago, the calls went to the machine and if it was someone we needed to get a hold of, then they'd get a call back. If not, then it got ignored. Changing our number was a bit of a hassle mostly due to updating information with the utilities and the water company, but the peace of mind was totally worth it.

 

BTW, what IS it with xtians and their obsession with offering people rides even when they decline, and their shit-tastic unsolicited advice?! Maybe it's all part of their obsessive need to be the "hero", i guess.

[R. S. Martin]

Milesaway, thanks for responding. I'll have to think through the issue of getting my number changed. I don't have a list of all the friends and businesses who would have to be notified...

[flockoff]

My uncle lets his answering machine pick up after two rings to avoid telemarketers. I'm not sure why he doesn't change the number but he's been doing that for about fifteen years now (at least he'll be moving soon.)

 

Maybe you could get a VoIP (voiceover Internet protocol) number? I had one for my iPod touch and there's no plan to buy, just prepaid minutes. I don't know what technology you have or if you're okay taking calls over your computer, but it might be worth looking into.