Not Allowed To Join Family At Dad's Funeral

[milesaway]

Milesaway, thanks for responding. I'll have to think through the issue of getting my number changed. I don't have a list of all the friends and businesses who would have to be notified...

 

You're welcome. I've mentioned that i changed my number a while back. I'd been meaning to change it for awhile, and the creepy phone call i wrote about here was what sealed the deal. The old number was unlisted and unpublished, and so is this one. Only a handful of people have the new number, including relatives, longtime friends and my job.

 

Keep a tight rein on that number. That's what my mom and i are doing. Do make a list of friends you know won't give your number out without your permission, and the companies you do business with, and have it ready if you decide to change your number.

[Galien]

This is one of the reasons I hate funerals, and they mean nothing to me. Just something else christians can use to ram their point home.

 

Ruby. as long as your dad knows you love him, that is all that matters. Whether you turn up for a funeral or not is immaterial to him, it will only be used by the living to hurt you further by the sound of things.

 

Your family are mean spirited controlling assholes. Good on you for not playing into their hands.

[kolaida]

How awful. That's just so hurtful. You'd think people could just accept things the way they are. I mean, it's a funeral. It's already sad. Wow.  I think you have the right idea. That family just seems to be overlooking the important stuff in life (although they obviously don't think so). 

[seeker001]

Keep you father in your heart, it is a far warmer place than that funeral.

[R. S. Martin]

Thank you for the additional answers since I last visited this thread. The support feels so good. Thank you, everyone, so much!

[Kurari]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Make sure to say the words you need to say to your father, and they lose at this stupid game of theirs. 

 

That's awesome your humanitarian group has agreed to hold a memorial for you. 

 

We'll be here for you, Ruby. 

[BlueGiant]

Man, that's rough.  To a lot of people saving Face is more important than being decent.  

I totally understand, though, not wanting to go at all and put up with the whole circus.  Been in that boat with my grandparents before, though in my case it was basically me forcing myself through Catholic ritual for the benefit of my family.  I definitely understand not wanting to sit through the piousness.

[R. S. Martin]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Make sure to say the words you need to say to your father, and they lose at this stupid game of theirs. 

 

That's awesome your humanitarian group has agreed to hold a memorial for you. 

 

Thank you, Kurari. It's difficult even knowing what to say to Dad while he's alive because despite being so short of breath that he can hardly talk he still felt a need to preach when I visited a few weeks ago. I don't expect to visit again. I know he's in total agreement with my siblings. This is definitely a case of "religion poisons everything."

 

I keep telling myself that with seven billion people on this planet there is no reason I have to buddy up with people who hate me so much, no matter if they call it love.

 

We'll be here for you, Ruby.

 

 

Thank you. This community means so much, as well as the local group I meet and socialize with. Some of them know to varying degrees what's going on and they, too, are supportive and sympathetic. Who would ever have guessed that the exChristians and godless have so much true human love and sympathy--the Christians certainly don't have a monopoly on that.

[R. S. Martin]

Man, that's rough.  To a lot of people saving Face is more important than being decent.

 

Thanks for helping me understand. That's so not me that I find it difficult to even think of people doing it. But it does correspond with what I see happening so it's probably true.

[MattFoley]

Now here's the kicker. These people who love me so much hold a consultation or meeting of some kind and decide Ruby better be formally informed that because of her errant beliefs she does not qualify to be with the family on the day of the funeral.

 

Wow... gotta be reformed Calvinists. I can think of few other sects of Christianity that would be this callous.

 

It sounds like you're planning to do the right thing by not showing up. Still, it amazes me how these people can cut off one of there own kids to this level due to "errant beliefs."

[R. S. Martin]

 

Now here's the kicker. These people who love me so much hold a consultation or meeting of some kind and decide Ruby better be formally informed that because of her errant beliefs she does not qualify to be with the family on the day of the funeral.

 

Wow... gotta be reformed Calvinists. I can think of few other sects of Christianity that would be this callous.

 

 

Calvinism in its pure Reformation John Calvin form may have had an impact on the theology. This is horse and buggy Mennonite. I think the Mennonite ancestor Menno Simon lived at the same time as John Calvin.

 

I know I'm not alone in the world in being treated like this. JWs disown kids who deconvert. Muslims sometimes kill apostates. The Amish are a lot like my people but even stricter in their shunning.

 

It sounds like you're planning to do the right thing by not showing up. Still, it amazes me how these people can cut off one of there own kids to this level due to "errant beliefs."

 

Thank you.

[Mongo]

Ruby,

 

My sympathies with your situation. My mom is going to pass soon as well but my situation is completely different.

 

I really don't know what decision I'd make if I were living your circumstances but whatever you choose, do what is best for Ruby. That is, do what will give you the most peace of mind and help you best grieve your father after he passes.

 

You want to consider a few things.

 

Going or not going is not about your sisters and their friends and the people you lived with and once trusted. It is about what Ruby needs.

 

Do you need to visit your father before he dies? Then do it for you. Damn the opinions, gossip and snobbery of anyone else. If you don't need that then you have your decision.

 

Do you need to be at the funeral? If this is a need, then do it for you. How do you know it is something you need? I don't know but here are some things to ponder.

 

Will not going to the funeral make it difficult to grieve? Will it give you a reason for anger and resentment to burn in your heart against your sisters?

Will not going make it easier to move on and look forward? Will not going prevent a scene or a conflict that will be hard to forget?

 

Again, if you need to go for Ruby then go! Damn the opinions, gossip and snobbery of anyone else. If you don't need that then you have your decision.

 

You can choose to go only for a short time. Long enough to pay your respects but not long enough for someone to stab your heart with cold words. Your choice!!!

 

I would not go alone. Bring a friend if you go. This will help in 2 ways. It gives you a safe person to talk/whisper to if you feel the need to express something. It also makes it harder for other people to be rude and catty when you have a friend by your side. I would not go with a friend who has a weak presence. Go with somone who has a strong presence. I would choose a friend who is polite, sociable and has some skill at verbal self-defense or people management skills.

 

Make a choice that will make Ruby happy. It is all about you and what you need.

 

If that choice is to not go then we're behind you 100%.

 

Take good care Ruby!

 

Mongo

[flockoff]

 

 

 

 

Now here's the kicker. These people who love me so much hold a consultation or meeting of some kind and decide Ruby better be formally informed that because of her errant beliefs she does not qualify to be with the family on the day of the funeral.

Wow... gotta be reformed Calvinists. I can think of few other sects of Christianity that would be this callous.

Calvinism in its pure Reformation John Calvin form may have had an impact on the theology. This is horse and buggy Mennonite. I think the Mennonite ancestor Menno Simon lived at the same time as John Calvin.

My apologies if this is going too far but …

 

Does anyone else think "Mennonite" sounds like the name of something you'd find scrambling around in the dirt after lifting up a concrete slab off your patio? It always sounded like a bug name to me. "Honey, call that exterminator today. We've got Mennonites coming in through the basement again."

[hereticzero]

I am very familiar with in-family fighting over belief vs nonbelief and fights in general. What your family is doing is taking credit for not allowing you to the funeral, hypocrtically, even though you already told them you would not attend. Then they can show their letter to their church and get a lot of sympathy and righteous slaps on the back. Sorry to hear of such trouble.

[R. S. Martin]

I am very familiar with in-family fighting over belief vs nonbelief and fights in general. What your family is doing is taking credit for not allowing you to the funeral, hypocrtically, even though you already told them you would not attend. Then they can show their letter to their church and get a lot of sympathy and righteous slaps on the back. Sorry to hear of such trouble.

 

That makes about the most sense of anything anyone has yet suggested re their motivation. Thank you for calling a spade by it's real name.

[R. S. Martin]

Ruby,

 

My sympathies with your situation. My mom is going to pass soon as well but my situation is completely different.

 

I really don't know what decision I'd make if I were living your circumstances but whatever you choose, do what is best for Ruby. That is, do what will give you the most peace of mind and help you best grieve your father after he passes.

 

You want to consider a few things.

 

Going or not going is not about your sisters and their friends and the people you lived with and once trusted. It is about what Ruby needs.

 

Do you need to visit your father before he dies? Then do it for you. Damn the opinions, gossip and snobbery of anyone else. If you don't need that then you have your decision.

 

Do you need to be at the funeral? If this is a need, then do it for you. How do you know it is something you need? I don't know but here are some things to ponder.

 

Will not going to the funeral make it difficult to grieve? Will it give you a reason for anger and resentment to burn in your heart against your sisters?

Will not going make it easier to move on and look forward? Will not going prevent a scene or a conflict that will be hard to forget?

 

Again, if you need to go for Ruby then go! Damn the opinions, gossip and snobbery of anyone else. If you don't need that then you have your decision.

 

You can choose to go only for a short time. Long enough to pay your respects but not long enough for someone to stab your heart with cold words. Your choice!!!

 

I would not go alone. Bring a friend if you go. This will help in 2 ways. It gives you a safe person to talk/whisper to if you feel the need to express something. It also makes it harder for other people to be rude and catty when you have a friend by your side. I would not go with a friend who has a weak presence. Go with somone who has a strong presence. I would choose a friend who is polite, sociable and has some skill at verbal self-defense or people management skills.

 

Make a choice that will make Ruby happy. It is all about you and what you need.

 

If that choice is to not go then we're behind you 100%.

 

Take good care Ruby!

 

Mongo

 

That is beautiful, Mongo, thank you! I will probably not know the answers to some of the questions until the time comes. What I think I might want to do is be there for the final viewing before the lid of the coffin is nailed down, then follow the procession to the cemetery (adjoining the churchyard) and be there for the burial. To do this, I'd have to be in public perhaps fifteen to thirty minutes only as opposed to hours. And that period is so solemn that people don't talk much.

 

 

I like your suggestion to take a friend along. An idea is forming in my head though I don't know what the situation will be when the time comes. The ceremony/rituals will be in Pennsylvania German, which creates a language barrier for so many of my current friends. But the one older couple is from Eastern Europe or Germany and knows one or more German dialects. I think they would get the gist of it. I think they also have the people skills and strong presence you suggest. Maybe the old bastard will decide to die when they are traveling and unavailable. It would be just like him. It might "teach Ruby a lesson." LOL.

 

I can imagine the gossip afterward. Ruby sandwiched between these two frail-looking seniors who never-the-less refuse to let anyone touch or talk to her against her will. Then Ruby disappears with them afterward. And no one knows who the hell these people are. They've never seen them before yet they look decent.

 

Not least, it would tell the entire community that Ruby is not at all alone in the world--there's people prepared to stand at her side even at an Old Order Mennonite funeral where the coffin is open and where the body is buried in the presence of the family.

 

The reason I want to be there for this is because in my mind it's the most intimate and real part of any funeral. Though it's open to the public, normally only family, close relatives, friends, and neighbours attend the burial. The rest of the congregation is inside finding seats for the service. The service, which consists of sermons, prayers, and hymns, takes place after the burial. After the service, friends and relatives are invited to return to the house (of the diseased) for refreshments. This means a full course meal served at tables placed throughout the house. Place settings are carefully counted and ushers make sure the right people sit at the right spots. The family and their minister sit at the head table. And they specifically don't want atheists and divorced people in that sacred spot so I'm not attending that part. (I would be allowed to eat at a table far removed from the family with other "sinners" and distant relatives, etc. and have my physical needs met for nourishment. I know other more welcoming places to get my nourishment needs met. For example, there's food in my own fridge.)

 

If I do go with this older couple, there might be telephone calls and letters in the following days, weeks, and months. I have siblings who find it really difficult living with mystery.  That mystery couple might send them over the edge.

[Blue elephant]

Sounds like a good idea Ruby. These people will be an excellent support for this occasion when it finally happens.

[Jedah]

A while back in one of the older incarnations of these forums, we had a brutally honest saying: "If they don't love you, they ain't your family".

 

 

Obviously you want to try your hardest, but at some point you have to accept that you might just be wasting your time on people who might as well be strangers.

[R. S. Martin]

A while back in one of the older incarnations of these forums, we had a brutally honest saying: "If they don't love you, they ain't your family".

 

 

Obviously you want to try your hardest, but at some point you have to accept that you might just be wasting your time on people who might as well be strangers.

 

Love that. Thanks Jeda. The one I've seen on this incarnation is that "Blood (for blood relatives) is just rusty water." Might be an off-spring of the other.

 

Like I say above to Mongo, I'll probably not know how I feel about my need to attend the funeral until the time actually comes. In a way, the discussion in this thread is almost like an online memorial ceremony of sorts--well I dunno but yeah it seems like it.

[Ro-bear]

Ruby, I don't know your family, but I have seen enough of your contributions here to strongly feel that you don't bear the responsibility for the estrangement.  You are reasonable, and if they cannot reciprocate that, you can proceed as you see fit with a clear conscience, and I hope you do.  It's not always our fault when people have a problem with us.  Maybe they are the ones with the problem, and maybe they are the cause of it.  Do what you think is right, and I am pretty sure that is what most reasonable people would think is right.

 

I'm not an ethics expert, but I did play one on TV.

 

O.K., not really, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.

[R. S. Martin]

Ruby, I don't know your family, but I have seen enough of your contributions here to strongly feel that you don't bear the responsibility for the estrangement.  You are reasonable, and if they cannot reciprocate that, you can proceed as you see fit with a clear conscience, and I hope you do.  It's not always our fault when people have a problem with us.  Maybe they are the ones with the problem, and maybe they are the cause of it.  Do what you think is right, and I am pretty sure that is what most reasonable people would think is right.

 

I'm not an ethics expert, but I did play one on TV.

 

O.K., not really, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.

 

Thanks for your vote of confidence, Ro-Bear. You sure "get" my family, or my view of the situation. Their view obviously differs.

 

And yes, staying at Holiday Inn Express specifically qualifies you as an ethics expert.

 

Except...wouldn't it hurt their business to be so ethical...

 

I mean, it might oblige them to turn down certain fundamentalist and political types...

 

And ask illegal questions just to screen out these people because they tend to look so normal...They don't all wear crosses or Star of Davids or black Quaker hats.

 

Okay, that's my obscene rationality kicking in. LOL

 

Your post has really kick-started some serious thinking from yet another angle. Thanks so much!

[Lilith666]

What can I say....the bastards....I'm really sorry about your dad and your horrible relatives.

[creative]

I cant even imagine how that would feel.

I think you arived a point where you shouldn't give a fuck about them anymore and just do what you want to do.
These bunch of retards will never learn and do not deserve any respect or kindness from you.

Maybe they contact you and are nice to you some times. But do they ever without wanting something from you?

I say fuck em.

On my funeral my casket is going to stand in the middle of a pentagram painted with pig blood. And my casket will have a big inverted cross with 666 one it. With a small little text under it saying "See you in hell"

calm down me......... sorry reading that made me a little aggressive.

I guess its important to you to remember the day and do something that day... I would do it with people you actually like and that care.... I doubt it maters with whom or where you do it.

[R. S. Martin]

I cant even imagine how that would feel.

 

I think you arived a point where you shouldn't give a fuck about them anymore and just do what you want to do.

These bunch of retards will never learn and do not deserve any respect or kindness from you.

 

Maybe they contact you and are nice to you some times. But do they ever without wanting something from you?

 

Excellent point! I'm beginning to realize they think if they are nice once in a while they can convince me of the love of god or something like that.

 

I say fuck em.

 

Yup! I'm letting my calls go to the answering machine ever since getting that "friendly" duty call from my sister. It felt like she was just making up for the nastiness of their religion. She didn't call until AFTER I'd told our brother off for their hateful religion. I had nothing to say to her and wished I hadn't answered the phone.

 

On my funeral my casket is going to stand in the middle of a pentagram painted with pig blood. And my casket will have a big inverted cross with 666 one it. With a small little text under it saying "See you in hell"

 

calm down me......... sorry reading that made me a little aggressive.

Thank you. It's so good to see that people understand the horridness of it. Thank you everyone who responded on this thread.

[fluffykitten]

Your post was what made me decide to register, R.S. I'm neither a Christian nor an ex-Christian, but the way your family behaved towards you is absolutely shameful. People who want to feel better than others often like to hold meetings to judge others, even thoug there was no reason to do so (since you told them you wouldn't come).  I'm glad your Humanist friends are there to comfort and accompany you to the funeral.