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Shia
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I am about 28 weeks pregnant, and having been through everything with my family that lives near me I am not speaking with them at this time because I don't need the stress. however I heard through a cousin of mine who lives in another city that my mom is going around telling everyone I am pregnant in a really negative way and topped with all of the lies as well. I wanted to let my family know in a positive way without all the stress and she just took that from me. My cousin said she was really happy when she first heard but then stopped because of all the negativity involved. So I was thinking of just sending out birth announcements with a card and leave it at that, at this point I really don't want tot talk to anyone in my family because I don't want to be stressed out, I already ended up in the hospital because of this once and don't want to repeat the experience. I am disappointed that she is sharing my happy news with everyone and of course she never verified it with me so it potentially could have been a lie but its not and it really really hurts that I don't feel comfortable enough to let anyone in my family know right now at least until I move because of all the negativity. 

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I'm not in your situation, but my family ties are very strained too. Good job cutting them out for the time being so that you can keep your stress down. I would just send out the birth announcements. I'm sorry your mom put the news out in a negative light :(

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yeah that was really upsetting to hear that..oh and I know for a fact its because "I'm not walking with god" and "living up to their standards" ugh.. and I didn't marry some pastor they were desperately trying to hook me up with, who also happened to be shorter than me, not my type at all and had been recently divorced and 10+ yrs older.. gah they make me soooo sick, they think I have some magical ministry calling and should be a preacher like them.. ugh so I meet someone who I think is great, who also thinks I'm great, no religious drama, no bs an overall great relationship, I'm happy and they are mad because they cant force me to live my life how they want. and my absentee dad is pissed at me for having a bf and not talking to him or asking his advice about it. I am pretty through with almost my entire family at this point. but whatever, i am gathering my thoughts and am going to write it all down in a book and send them a signed copy! ( mainly because they HATE when I tell anyone anything about my life or how I was raised, I figure if they did such a great job then whats to hide from?? ) and also because I just need to get it out so I can let it all go. after I move, which should be soon ( yay!)

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It looks to me like they are showing you just how trustworthy they are.  Protect yourself and move on.  The way you describe it there is nothing negative about your pregnancy.  And you are, after all, the expert on your life and your pregnancy.

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Guest r3alchild

Shia,

 

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to please people, but don't waste your time trying to please the unpleasable.

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Avoid the stressors. Celebrate your life and live the way that you feel is best for you. Someone will always not like it but your life isnt their business.

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Fingers crossed for you Shia, and yeah, tell them to go fuck themselves. Acting like that means they forfeited every right to call themselves your relatives. They want war, let them have it, and fight by your rules instead of theirs. :fdevil:

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Who are our family? To my way of thinking, if people are spreading lies about you, they are no longer family. There are a number of members of Ex-C that have cut ties with their birth family because of this manipulative crap. These folks then create new "family" out of the people that are friends who support them.

 

I cut all contact with my mother for about 5 or 6 years because she was trying to control my life when I was almost 30. During that time, she told people that I was some secret service agent on a secret spy mission overseas! What a load of f.....g TWADDLE!

 

As much as it may be painful for you at the moment to think about cutting ties with your relatives, I think it is for your good. I am presuming that if they call the police with their ridiculous tale of you or your children being abused that you will be able to convince the police that this is a case of religious nutterism!

 

Perhaps you need to change your phone numbers? And I think you said you were going to be moving house? All good things!

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I am assuming you are single and this was not a planned pregnancy?

If not ignore the rest.

I really cannot imagine why they would shame your pregnancy other than not being in wedlock. The irony is that most woos daughters get knocked up and marry the father only to later divorce. An unexpected pregnancy should not be the reason to marry. These days laws are pretty tight as far as paternal responsibilities.

I guess you shamed them and it is like soooo fucking stupid your mother is telling everyone. Well she does not get to be granny with your kid. Simply punish them that way.

 

Just proof religion fucks everything up in life. Glad you are free of that.

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*raises hand* I'm another who has decided to cut off family for my own well-being. It's tough, really tough, but there's so many good people in this world there's no reason being stuck with people who hate one so much. Of course, it can be a bit difficult getting into a new circle of friends or surrogate family because most people seem to like life the way it is. They already have their families. But I've found that making do with the bits and pieces I can get is better than the horror of family togetherness with biological relatives that oppresses and abuses.

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Shia, my dear, thank you for sharing your story. I support you, sister!

 

I married my first husband straight out of college because we were going away to graduate school and did not want to live together out of wedlock. (Wouldn't want to shame the families!) Well, that lasted 2 years. (An amicable split, no kids, so I can't complain.)

 

After that I kind of said, fuck it. I then lived with my current husband for 6.5 years before we got married. (So now I was both divorced and living in sin... oh my.) Thankfully my family got over that (my man is irresistible to them). He and I have been together for 19 years now, and couldn't be happier. We have a 7-year-old daughter and a joyous life. He is a sexy guy who makes me laugh every day -- what more could I ask for? (LOL) He calls me his milf, and the sex is still amazing. The way you describe your bf, it sounds like you have found someone suitable for you. I feel joy for you and your future possibilities with him. Don't sweat it!

 

I do have to warn you that your mom may change her tune a bit once that grandbaby arrives. She might get that maternal tug and want to snuggle that baby! My advice to you is to be compassionate toward her, but definitely keep your boundaries in place. She may be well-intended, but soon the topic of infant baptism will creep up, and then Christian preschool and vacation Bible school and all that jazz. Stay strong!

 

My other advice if your mom gets involved with your beautiful baby... don't become dependent on her in any way for free babysitting. I have seen this used as a guilt-ridden tool for grandmas to wrest control over the mom and/or the baby. I can tell you that having a baby without the free babysitting of extended family often totally sucks, but you will always figure out something. Have faith in yourself, and keep those boundaries.

 

Did I mention boundaries? lol

 

My midwife explained to me that in the animal kingdom, if a nest is disturbed, some mothers will either abandon it (and the babies), or kill the babies straight out. In the human world, "stirring the nest" of a new mom can cause angst that leads to post-partum depression or other sorts of unnecessary drama. Dammit, she was right! (Ask me how I know... UGH.) I'm not trying to scare you, my dear! I'm just saying... protect your nest.

 

I have a wise (atheist) friend who told me this several years ago, and I find great comfort in it: "Family is the universe's (or God's or whatever) way of forcing us, over the course of a lifetime, to deal with people we would otherwise avoid." Dealing with worthless family members (or not dealing with them, as the case may be), does help us to grow and learn to separate the gems from the pieces of shit in all aspects of life. It sucks, but it is useful in some way.

 

On another note... I have learned the hard way that having one real friend to support you in small ways is better than 50 who promise to be there but never ever deliver. They just confuse you and leave you feeling more lonely. That really fucked with my mind, in a time when I definitely did not need it. These rough patches in life are helpful for sorting out the keepers. Next time something rough crops up in your life, you will not waste time on the fair-weather posers.

 

Oh my! I have gone on and on! Shia, I hope you have found some nugget of love and/or wisdom in my ramblings here. Just remember... No matter what happens, you will figure it out. You will. Have faith in your beautiful self. 

 

As this stage of your life plays out, feel free to come here and get support and a reality check. We are with you.

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Only the religious and morons grieve an expectant mom. Hope your pregnancy goes well. bill

thank you! =)

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I am assuming you are single and this was not a planned pregnancy?

 

If not ignore the rest.

 

I really cannot imagine why they would shame your pregnancy other than not being in wedlock. The irony is that most woos daughters get knocked up and marry the father only to later divorce. An unexpected pregnancy should not be the reason to marry. These days laws are pretty tight as far as paternal responsibilities.

 

I guess you shamed them and it is like soooo fucking stupid your mother is telling everyone. Well she does not get to be granny with your kid. Simply punish them that way.

 

Just proof religion fucks everything up in life. Glad you are free of that.

well I am not single! my bf is very supportive but he never grew up with religion hounding his life lol. the pregnancy was not planned, but I never had a moment of doubt about it.  we actually don't plan on getting married at all. I don't want to get married again and we both agreed that if we ever do then it will be far into the future! but yes I have effectively cut them off from seeing with and interacting with my kids. 

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Shia, my dear, thank you for sharing your story. I support you, sister!

 

I married my first husband straight out of college because we were going away to graduate school and did not want to live together out of wedlock. (Wouldn't want to shame the families!) Well, that lasted 2 years. (An amicable split, no kids, so I can't complain.)

 

After that I kind of said, fuck it. I then lived with my current husband for 6.5 years before we got married. (So now I was both divorced and living in sin... oh my.) Thankfully my family got over that (my man is irresistible to them). He and I have been together for 19 years now, and couldn't be happier. We have a 7-year-old daughter and a joyous life. He is a sexy guy who makes me laugh every day -- what more could I ask for? (LOL) He calls me his milf, and the sex is still amazing. The way you describe your bf, it sounds like you have found someone suitable for you. I feel joy for you and your future possibilities with him. Don't sweat it!

 

I do have to warn you that your mom may change her tune a bit once that grandbaby arrives. She might get that maternal tug and want to snuggle that baby! My advice to you is to be compassionate toward her, but definitely keep your boundaries in place. She may be well-intended, but soon the topic of infant baptism will creep up, and then Christian preschool and vacation Bible school and all that jazz. Stay strong!

 

My other advice if your mom gets involved with your beautiful baby... don't become dependent on her in any way for free babysitting. I have seen this used as a guilt-ridden tool for grandmas to wrest control over the mom and/or the baby. I can tell you that having a baby without the free babysitting of extended family often totally sucks, but you will always figure out something. Have faith in yourself, and keep those boundaries.

 

Did I mention boundaries? lol

 

My midwife explained to me that in the animal kingdom, if a nest is disturbed, some mothers will either abandon it (and the babies), or kill the babies straight out. In the human world, "stirring the nest" of a new mom can cause angst that leads to post-partum depression or other sorts of unnecessary drama. Dammit, she was right! (Ask me how I know... UGH.) I'm not trying to scare you, my dear! I'm just saying... protect your nest.

 

I have a wise (atheist) friend who told me this several years ago, and I find great comfort in it: "Family is the universe's (or God's or whatever) way of forcing us, over the course of a lifetime, to deal with people we would otherwise avoid." Dealing with worthless family members (or not dealing with them, as the case may be), does help us to grow and learn to separate the gems from the pieces of shit in all aspects of life. It sucks, but it is useful in some way.

 

On another note... I have learned the hard way that having one real friend to support you in small ways is better than 50 who promise to be there but never ever deliver. They just confuse you and leave you feeling more lonely. That really fucked with my mind, in a time when I definitely did not need it. These rough patches in life are helpful for sorting out the keepers. Next time something rough crops up in your life, you will not waste time on the fair-weather posers.

 

Oh my! I have gone on and on! Shia, I hope you have found some nugget of love and/or wisdom in my ramblings here. Just remember... No matter what happens, you will figure it out. You will. Have faith in your beautiful self. 

 

As this stage of your life plays out, feel free to come here and get support and a reality check. We are with you.

thank you for the advice! and I have been in the family co dependent stage with my first 2 kids and that was hard. if they helped then they were "raising" my kids. and i just told my kids that they cant see grandma right now. they understand and I said it doesn't mean that they don't love you or that you don't love them but we cant go over there right now.. in the last 6 months I went from being at my family's house every other day to not talking to them at all. I don't think my mom is going to get the opportunity to snuggle my baby at all, seeing as she tried to tell my 5 yr old that I have the devil in me.

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did I mention that I filled out my application to move out so yay!! we are so excited to move. and I wanted to thank everyone for their input. I had a drs appt the other day and guess who also had an appt? my mom we missed each other by seconds in the waiting room and she parked right next to me! I mean what are the odds??? I also wanted to say that my family has this way of making me feel like I am the bad guy and/ or doing something wrong all the time, and I know for a fact that i am not in any way shape or form ready to talk to them with out feeling like I'm having a breakdown. this is mainly because of that way they have about them and they don't ever listen to me. so hearing that I am not crazy is great! lol especially since everyone here is familiar with the crazy xtian mindset and escaped it!! 

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Shia,

 

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to please people, but don't waste your time trying to please the unpleasable.

you are so right and I had to realize this and just live my life and please myself!! =)

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Fingers crossed for you Shia, and yeah, tell them to go fuck themselves. Acting like that means they forfeited every right to call themselves your relatives. They want war, let them have it, and fight by your rules instead of theirs. firedevil.gif

yes I totally agree! =)

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did I mention that I filled out my application to move out so yay!! we are so excited to move. and I wanted to thank everyone for their input. I had a drs appt the other day and guess who also had an appt? my mom we missed each other by seconds in the waiting room and she parked right next to me! I mean what are the odds??? I also wanted to say that my family has this way of making me feel like I am the bad guy and/ or doing something wrong all the time, and I know for a fact that i am not in any way shape or form ready to talk to them with out feeling like I'm having a breakdown. this is mainly because of that way they have about them and they don't ever listen to me. so hearing that I am not crazy is great! lol especially since everyone here is familiar with the crazy xtian mindset and escaped it!! 

 

You deserve better than them, and you are not the bad guy and you are not crazy.  I know there is a difference between logically knowing they are wrong and feeling it emotionally. For your and your child's sake, cut them out of your life at least for now. Be very careful, and do not let them get to your child. I'm not saying they can never see the child, but do not let them sink their hooks in.

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Guest r3alchild

 

 

Shia,

 

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to please people, but don't waste your time trying to please the unpleasable.

you are so right and I had to realize this and just live my life and please myself!! =)
You go girl....
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Shia, oops I assumed this was your first baby, so some of my advice might have been old news for you. Either way, my sentiment is the same: boundaries, girl, boundaries! Sounds like you have already experienced that too! Good for you for shielding your kids from grandma's nonsense. You're the mom, and you have every right to stake your claims. You want healthy kids with a healthy mom!

 

I had trouble wanting to get married the second time too. (Hubby was ready after the first 6 months, but it took me 6 years to decide.) The main reason I did was because we knew we were going to start a family soon, and I figured things would be simpler in the long run if we had the same last name and some of the other legal rights that go with it. Kind of silly, but we were in it for the long haul anyway, so I realized a social convention like a marriage certificate was fine -- whatever. (There are some legal conventions, medical rights, and other advantages too, as you probably know.) I have no regrets for marrying him, or for "living in sin" so long. Whatever you decide on that topic, it's your life. You're an adult. You get to decide. I, for one, support you either way, for what that's worth.

 

I hope you're doing well, and more importantly, I hope you're sleeping well. By now the little "belly dancer" inside you has surely made his/her presence known. Focus on what brings you joy and peace. You're going to be just fine. Keep us posted!

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Shia,

 

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to please people, but don't waste your time trying to please the unpleasable.

you are so right and I had to realize this and just live my life and please myself!! =)

 

 

There is nothing wrong with that.  Take care of the people you signed up to take care of and don't worry about the rest.

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Read or download for free, 'A User's Manual For The Human Experience'. Its a great starter kit for dealing with toxic and controlling people.

 

For your feelings of stress or anxiety, get yourself a copy of, 'Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life'. It teaches a completely rational approach to dealing with negative feelings. It'll put you light years ahead of any traditional therapy that usually takes years before seeing results - if any at all.

 

Congratulations with the baby. I wish you well.

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