Deep Depression

[BendyLine]

The last two or three years have been pretty much the hardest of my life, and it's taken its toll. I've always suffered from depression, but it's become worse than ever. (I won't go into deep detail about all my problems, but one example is that I'm going blind from glaucoma.) On an almost daily basis, I have about an hour or two of deep depression. During these spells I often feel suicidal, and it has gotten worse and worse. It used to happen when I was going through something, or when I was thinking about something I've gone through, but now it seems to happen for no reason at all and, again, on an almost daily basis. 

 

I guess I should expect it with everything I've gone through lately, but my problem is the people around me. My wife is very understanding, but I don't like to burden her with this stuff because she has her own set of problems and I worry more about her than I do myself. And then there's my family... they're all Christians of course, and I feel like when I talk to them I get one of two things:

 

1) We'll pray for you blah blah blah. They don't know I'm an atheist, and I don't really want to tell them at this point because I'm sure I'll have to hear "WELL NO WONDER YOU'RE DEPRESSED, YOU DON'T HAVE JESUS ANYMORE!" (And what they'll fail to understand is that the only reason I'm not more depressed is because I dumped religion.)

 

2) Go get some medication. I'm not completely opposed to the idea, but my first two tries have been miserable failures. The first one made me feel dull, and also made me fly into rages. The second one I tried made it physically difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I'm not keen on trying another one. 

 

So I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with no one to talk to. I had a therapist in my old town but now that I moved I have no idea where to find another one. And I don't feel like finding out because guess what: I'm depressed! There are a million things I can do to make my situation better, but my depression (along with adult ADHD) is always standing in my way. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. 

[Guest r3alchild]

What are you more worried about, the problem itself or the fear the problem elicits.

[ExXex]

I'm sorry you're going through all this!

It sounds like you do need more professional help, I don't know how it works in America but maybe if you go to a doctor they'll refer you to a therapist, I know a few people who've gone and ended up on cognitive behaviour therapy instead of more medication. I know a few experiences with the different drugs they prescribe can make you feel like you can't face trying anymore but maybe it's worth giving it a few more goes?

Because although there may be things going on in your life to cause it, depression itself is an illness, it's not part of who you are and it's worth talking to someone with a professional knowledge of it, you shouldn't have to deal with it by yourself.

[Denyoz]

The last two or three years have been pretty much the hardest of my life, and it's taken its toll. I've always suffered from depression, but it's become worse than ever. (I won't go into deep detail about all my problems, but one example is that I'm going blind from glaucoma.) On an almost daily basis, I have about an hour or two of deep depression. During these spells I often feel suicidal, and it has gotten worse and worse. It used to happen when I was going through something, or when I was thinking about something I've gone through, but now it seems to happen for no reason at all and, again, on an almost daily basis. 

 

Hey BendyLine, that doesn't sound too good.  I feel for you, because I have suffered from depression for over 7 years.  I can tell you that pills did not help me, and talking to my Christian family did not help me either.  But something did help me:  Occultism.  I know, it might sound crazy, but it's the truth.  In fact, I do not suffer from depression ever since I started studying this.  If you haven't looked into it yet, I strongly suggest that you should.  It's such a broad field of study, but just start from this Wikipedia article and click whatever sparks your interest and keep on reading.  I assure you, happiness will come. 

 

You can also PM me if you wish to discuss in private.

[JamesG]

ADHD can often be misdiagnosed as depression I to have occasional thoughts of suicide it happens when I am ruminating about the past its easy to get caught up on past failures. Do you take your ADHD medication regularly? that might make a difference as a lack of dopamine in the brain can also contribute to depression.

 

Also have you considered medical marijuana? if your in a state that allows this it is amazing what it can do for depression in Washington they have a lot of military personnel suffering from ptsd and depression where marijuana has replaced all of their pills with a noticeable drop in side effects rage unwillingness to get out of bed etc.  This might work for you and should be considered if you live in one of those states. You said you have a therapist what about a psychiatrist I know an amazing one who specializes in ADHD in the Washington area he also worked for the WHO on ADHD recommendations for countries.

 

update: I don't take marijuana in any form I used to but I haven't in years so I guess I cant really speak from experience and I was also a  light consumer of both marijuana and alcohol i.e. 2-3 a month or less. so experience wise I cant really comment. However, being on a consistent regimen of concerta really balanced out a lot of my depression and motivational issues unfortunetly I am starting to suffer from High blood pressure it runs in the family so I cant take that medication anymore which has made life extra difficult so I to am trying to learn new ways of coping.

[Guest MadameX]

Health problems often cause the depression. Go easy on yourself, get lots of healthy exercise and nutrients, be in the sunshine, ask for some help. Know you are cared for and your being here is important. Be well.

[mymistake]

Sorry to hear.  I doubt my situation applies to you so I've got nothing.  Sorry.  Take care of yourself and be strong.

[Pantophobia]

BendyLine, is there someone (your wife, your doctor, a trusted friend) who could help you search for a therapist so it doesn't feel so personally overwhelming when combined with the depression? You aren't meant to go through all of these feelings alone, you know. Sometimes, sucky crap happens and we just need help with it. (And by "help" I don't mean that "brought my broken toys to God" bullshit.)

 

Post here if you need to, too, okay? 

[RipVanWinkle]

Your post hits home with me. I suffered from depression for years. I tried therapy and drugs. I went to multiple psychiatrists. After trying many different kinds of depression medications for several years a psychiatrist prescribed two anti-depressant drugs that, combined, worked. I still get bouts of

depression from time to time, but they don't last long.

 

One thing, though. Your thoughts about never trying anti-depressive drugs again is a mistake. As

with me, there may be a drug out there that is right for you.

 

I bet your biggest problem is one you alluded to. The depression itself makes it exceedingly hard to

muster the energy and the will to be proactive. Gawd, do I know that to be true. You just want to give

up.

 

That's exactly how I felt. The bad news is that nothing can be done about that feeling. It is a part of the depression. You must fight through it. You must make a promise to yourself to not stop looking

until you have the answer: The right medication, the right therapist,whatever it is. Whatever works.

This is one area where faith is needed. Not faith in a mythical god, but faith in your commitment and

undying persistence. You must refuse to give up looking. No one will do it for you. It paid off for me. Of course, no one can guarantee that it will pay off for you, but it's a good bet. You have too much

to lose to not try it, even if you don't feel like you do.

 

I keep coming back to a Bible verse that is true: "The heart is deceptive above all things." Ignore

your feelings. Now is the time for action.

 

I truly do ache for you, BendyLine, because I've been there. These are the times I wish there really

were a god to pray to. Dog be with you. bill

[JamesG]

I agree William there is no one easy solution and all avenues must be explored. The hardest thing to do when your depressed is not giving up. I hope you have a good support network if you don't have one now maybe you should consider building one. Don't give up!!!! if you need some moral support let me know you shouldn't have to fight your depression alone. =D sometimes an anonymous friend can be easy to bounce your feelings off to. You don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing

[BendyLine]

I don't really have time right now to reply to anyone, but thanks to all of you for your replies (all of which I've read and appreciated) and for reading my rant. Venting this stuff helps, especially to like minded folks who aren't going to shove Jesus down my throat. 

 

Love and peace!

[Pantophobia]

I've said this before, but remember, as deep as this depression is, it's temporary. It is not your permanent setting. Even if it feels like it. 

[R. S. Martin]

I've said this before, but remember, as deep as this depression is, it's temporary. It is not your permanent setting. Even if it feels like it. 

 

I know you mean it well and you might even have heard it from medical personnel, but cliches like that are not helpful for people like me who have struggled with depression for decades. Maybe there's days or weeks or even a year here and there that's better. But the "permanent" setting is depression. I know I'm not alone. Depression takes many shapes and forms and has many different degrees of intensity. Like any illness, there's better days and worse days and you learn to live with it. Or not.

 

One thing I've learned is that non-depressed people, or people who have experienced only relatively brief periods of depression, have an extremely difficult time dealing with the knowledge that anyone might be depressed long-term. They just want everyone to feel good--they think it HAS to be possible. The message I get from that attitude is that they are judging me as not doing enough to help my situation, that I'm a failure at helping myself, that I don't do my best to take care of my own self.

 

Nothing's worse than this feeling that on top of everything else all this misery is my own fault. Pity is just as bad--it's like pouring rain on an already wet and soggy day. You have to ward it off lest you drown altogether. For these reasons, most of the time I keep it under wraps as best I can.

 

People really close to me know that my anxiety level is really high and a few things like that. A lot of people seem to see me as a loner to whom they have to reach out. I accept the kindness and move on. Once in a while I find a really good friend who truly enriches my life. I value the good things I do have. Since I got out of religion, a huge thing I've got is inner peace. Many days I feel some level of joy, too. My vision is low but I can see vivid colours--the brilliance and contrast of colours in nature gives me much joy. So does my dog.

 

Sorry, this was all about me. BendyLine, I read your posts and all the answers in this thread. I'm sorry your vision is going and hope they can do something for it. I really don't know what more to add.

[R. S. Martin]

I don't really have time right now to reply to anyone, but thanks to all of you for your replies (all of which I've read and appreciated) and for reading my rant. Venting this stuff helps, especially to like minded folks who aren't going to shove Jesus down my throat. 

 

Love and peace!

 

Love and peace to you.

[REBOOT]

_{This is no laughing matter, I remember a well known TV Host that lived for years dealing with depression.}

 

_{Was put on some medication which cleared the condition and kind of suggests a chemical imbalance in the brain rather than something triggered by an emotional trauma.}

 

_{http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/what-causes-depression.htm}

 

_{Its a very complex situation sometimes requiring many combinations of drugs at different dosages. At this point in time there is no alternative but to try different recipes until you get the right one.}

 

_{One encouraging thought, Obama is investing a hundred million $ into brain research.}

 

_{http://www.technologyreview.com/news/513011/why-obamas-brain-mapping-project-matters/}

[FloridaGirl]

As someone who also struggles with depression, I give you my deepest sympathies. I have pretty much the same experience you do where I will randomly just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to die because I am in so much pain. No therapy or antidepressants have been able to help me. I am on anti anxiety medications though, which have been able to relieve some of the symptoms. I used to get panic attacks and nightmares all the time.

 

One thing I would like to point out is that you are very coregeous. Despite all the pain you have been feeling, you did not give into the suicidal thoughts. Whenever you have those thoughts, remind yourself why you are alive.

 

I am here because of my family. I would never want to hurt them because of my death. I also want the world to be a better place because I was here. I have started an internship tutoring students with ESL and GED classes and it has been incredibly rewarding for me to help them. It has brought me a great joy in spite of all the depression.

 

My beat advice is to focus on why you are still alive and devote your energy to that. It can be family, friends, a hoppy, a passion, whatever. It also helps to have people to talk to when you are feeling really upset about something whether it is a close friend, family member, or mental health professional.

 

I wish the best of luck to you. I know how hard depression can be. You already have shown tremendous strength and courage from dealing with it for so long. With that kind of strength and courage, you can do anything

[Galien]

Depression sucks, and I do agree that those who don't have it have no idea what it is like. Bendy life for you sucks at the moment, \i cannot imagine how awful it must be slowly going blind. I think I would be angry and break stuff if it were me. Big fat hugs to you. I have had depression for decades which is only just held in check with Effexor, but I do still have breakthrough periods of being suicidal. For some of us life is just consistently painful, and it is a constant struggle to stay on top of it.

 

It is a vicious cycle, made worse for me by realising that there is very little anyone else can do. We can have talking therapy, but that only works so far. Friends help, and knowing there are people around who care about you helps too.

 

Talk to me any time you need to.

[Margee]

Bendy, I am so sorry you are going through a depression. It's horrible. I really am beginning to see depression as a 'normal' human condition than abnormal. A great percentage of humans have depression. Those who have never experienced it are the luckiest humans on earth. I only know one person who told me that she didn't know what depression felt like??? Can you imagine that??

 

My mom had to re-learn everything as she had the terrible eye sight problem. It takes a lot of bravery to face this. I sure hope you are learning some new ways to cope? Mom did very well after she slowly accepted her diagnosis. It's sounds like you have a good support system. Good.

 

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you today and make you 100% better. For now, I'll send positive thoughts your way. Big hug from me. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

 

*Hug*

[seeker001]

I wish there was more I can say to help, but the only thing I can give is my best wishes. Stay strong, Bendy

[Pantophobia]

 

I've said this before, but remember, as deep as this depression is, it's temporary. It is not your permanent setting. Even if it feels like it. 

 

I know you mean it well and you might even have heard it from medical personnel, but cliches like that are not helpful for people like me who have struggled with depression for decades. Maybe there's days or weeks or even a year here and there that's better. But the "permanent" setting is depression. I know I'm not alone. Depression takes many shapes and forms and has many different degrees of intensity. Like any illness, there's better days and worse days and you learn to live with it. Or not.

 

One thing I've learned is that non-depressed people, or people who have experienced only relatively brief periods of depression, have an extremely difficult time dealing with the knowledge that anyone might be depressed long-term. They just want everyone to feel good--they think it HAS to be possible. The message I get from that attitude is that they are judging me as not doing enough to help my situation, that I'm a failure at helping myself, that I don't do my best to take care of my own self.

 

Nothing's worse than this feeling that on top of everything else all this misery is my own fault. Pity is just as bad--it's like pouring rain on an already wet and soggy day. You have to ward it off lest you drown altogether. For these reasons, most of the time I keep it under wraps as best I can.

 

People really close to me know that my anxiety level is really high and a few things like that. A lot of people seem to see me as a loner to whom they have to reach out. I accept the kindness and move on. Once in a while I find a really good friend who truly enriches my life. I value the good things I do have. Since I got out of religion, a huge thing I've got is inner peace. Many days I feel some level of joy, too. My vision is low but I can see vivid colours--the brilliance and contrast of colours in nature gives me much joy. So does my dog.

 

Sorry, this was all about me. BendyLine, I read your posts and all the answers in this thread. I'm sorry your vision is going and hope they can do something for it. I really don't know what more to add.

 

 

I totally understand this, R.S. Martin. The "this is not the default setting" is one of the things I use when I'm in the pits of depression, because part of the fear is that it *is* the default setting, and I have to remind myself that it's not going to last forever; at some point, I will feel less like hiding under the bed for a month. Believe me, I'm not in any way suggesting the "just cheer up, it'll get better" thing. (And I think Margee is right too. Depression is just human, and the percentage of those who don't experience it are probably more abnormal than those who do.)

 

But this is an opportunity for an excellent point, and one that's much like the problem with Christianity and Jeebus-speak too: there's no one thing to say that's going to make *everyone* magically feel better. What I've appreciated about this place is the opportunity to discuss how we've handled the deconversion process, and the anxiety and depression that seems to go along with it, either because those of us who deconvert are more analytical and also more prone to anxiety issues, or because deconversion has fear and despair built in at first. But obvs., one size never fits all. Yet it helps just to know that you're not the only one. At least I find it does.  

 

Has anyone here been reading this blog? She nails it in a lot of significant ways:

 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

 

 

[leopardus]

Your depression sounds a good deal worse than mine. I've been down to about what you describe but only for a few days now and again.

I do take prozac and occasionally Abilify to boost the prozac. It keeps me pretty level.

Unfortunately it doen't take much of anything (sometimes nothing at all) to throw me though.  Usually I just get really down, but sometimes I get angry.

It does suck man. Hope you find something that really helps you.

[Voice]

I share your plight, Bendy. It started for me when I was 7 and has come and gone. It was only 3 years ago when family intervened and found a doctor for me who prescribed lithium plus an anti-depressant. It helped, but had a side effect, I tremble now. To a point it seems a reasonable trade off. Depression fucking sucks. Everybody sing.

Depression fucking sucks.

There were months straight when evaluating merits of suicide and grieving that I had to do it were all I had, all day, every day.

You're right, the christians can't understand that depression is aggravated by their doctrine and oppression. I had a bad spell of it before affecting deconversion, when they all spewed the common antecdotes to steer me true and/or help me to accept my sorry place His the righteous plan.

 

I would do as your doing and not speak of your beliefs with any christian family members. Your predictions there are spot on.