I Need Help Working This Out.

[Lilith666]

There's this girl that I started to like a few weeks or months ago. I'm not sure how long it's been. The problem is that she just turned 15 and I'm 18, so I feel weird about this. She was 14 when this started. I should say that I am also a girl.

 

I'm still in the kind of high stage of crushing, I guess. I think about her all day, and if the phone rings or I get a Facebook message, I want it to be her. If it isn't--which it usually isn't--I get a little depressed. Sometimes I crash, lock myself in my room, and listen to her favorite metal bands even though I don't actually like them. She keeps changing her profile picture to one of herself and her on-and-off boyfriend, which irritates me somewhat. I obsessively check Facebook to look at her status or to see if she sent me anything. I'm afraid to call or message her first because she might be busy or maybe I'm annoying her.

 

Is it wrong to feel like this about someone who is underage? I feel guilty when I daydream about touching her. I'd never do anything physical with this girl before she's 18 (and she lives several states away, so I can't), but I still feel like a creep.

 

There are a few reasons that make me wonder if I honestly like her. First, I have never had feelings for a girl before, just boys, though I have always wanted to experiment with girls--and have tried that a few times. I still sort of like a guy that I've been into since ninth grade. So I wonder if this crush is partly due to my fascination with lesbian relationships. And she likes me too, apparently. She's told me this a few times; I was thinking that maybe I enjoyed the attention. Third, we have been good friends for a couple of years. I felt bad when she said that she liked me, and I couldn't return that (at the time). It might be partly pity feelings--the last thing I want to do is hurt her.  Fourth, she is extremely important to me. She is the first person I want to talk to when I'm upset. She's had depression for as long as I've known her. She used to cut and at least once she tried to commit suicide. So I thought that my bicuriosity (maybe), the attention, not wanting to hurt her, and being afraid to lose her convinced me that I like her. Does this make sense at all?

 

What I'm trying to figure out is 1) am I sick for liking her, and 2) am I bisexual. I sort of want to be bi because I'm really into this girl. But then, I always thought of myself as straight before now, and never felt like this about a girl. 

 

I've been noticing girls more since I started to think about this. I don't know whether I have always done that, or if it's a reaction to this issue.

 

Bi and gay people, when did you begin to wonder about your sexuality and how long did it take you to straighten it out? How did you do it? I have been all over the Internet looking for bisexuality quizzes. (Quizfarm probably isn't APA-approved, so does anyone have suggestions?)

 

I know people say only you can know for sure what your orientation is. But has anyone else been through something like this? What do you think? Thanks for reading.

[pandora]

You aren't wrong for feeling that way at all!   ...........but I'd hold off on dating younger people in case his or her parents are crazy like that poor lady that was recently in the news.   You could be bi, or gay, or straight, or pansexual... who knows and who cares.   What you love is what you love!  Trying to put a label on yourself is unnecessary stress.   I know it is hard to believe, but there will be others you will fall in love with.   Those first crushes and loves can be so heart-wrenching.   It gets better, I promise.

[JamesG]

Its ok for liking a girl that young heck my wife is 9 years older than me. However if the parents are not down with the relationship you could face serious legal issues there is a girl in florida right now being pressed for statutory rape with her girlfriend of 1+ years because she turned 18 and her girlfriend was 16 and the parents pressed charges.

 

Also who cares what your sexuality is I am straight never saw a boy that I had feelings for. I was bullied so much in highschool for being gay so when I actually got to college I thought I was bi even though I was not sexually attracted to boys.  Led to some awkward situations lol. Truth is just be true to yourself and don't worry about the labels. That will just mess you up. If you like this girl go for it. And DONT DO anything sexual unless her parents are totally down with the relationship and good luck =D

[♦ ficino ♦]

I second what BurnedOut said.  There was a case recently in Florida where an 18 year old girl was arrested for being in a sexual relationship with a high school freshman girl.  I don't know how it turned out, but it was considered statutory rape because the younger one was below the age of consent in Florida.

[R. S. Martin]

This^ what Burnedout said. You say you won't touch her but you say you are in contact, or potential contact, on Facebook. Thoughts like you describe can lead to unanticipated words and actions. Depending what you do or say on Facebook can get you into legal trouble. That would be a hassle, I'd think, seriously mess up your life for a very long time to come.

 

As for your sexual orientation. If you wish to explore and experiment, for legal issues you're better off sticking with someone close to your own age. Some people experiment without committing long-term, so long as the other person knows it's just a one night stand, or whatever. You'll have to protect yourself from STDs, but I'm sure you know that. Also, you might want to evaluate if that kind of life is for you. There's also things between a one-night stand and a commitment for life.

[kolaida]

Just be super careful. Like everyone else has said, I'd be more worried about the legal restrictions.  And, no, you're not sick. The girl is technically around your age; you are both young. Only three years apart, but once you're 18 and those under you are considered jail bait, but you are not, it can be frustrating. You are definitely not sick. Being sick regarding liking underage people is if a 40 year old is getting it on with a 13 year old, if you had posted this about a 6 year old, then, yeah, that'd be cause for concern. But certainly being 18 and having a crush on a 14/15 year old is not sick. Also, you have been friends with her and have a platonic relationship as of now.  Like said, the biggest concern would be legality issues.  You are not a creep.  I would definitely not risk my future on her until she is 18, though. Even if SHE didn't want any harm to come of you, she is still under legal guardianship of her parents. 

 

Moving on, are you bi-sexual? I don't know. 18 is still pretty young and you will have plenty of time to experiment. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I find women very attractive and have experimented several times and would like to continue to do so, however I would never pursue a long term relationship with a woman, that's simply not what I want out of life. I would like to have a long term relationship with a man as I do find them attractive and that is simply what I want out of life. I'd say relax, you don't have to know exactly who you are right now, anyway. That's what your 20s are for! Just make sure you come out of them with that college degree!! That is gold. It at least gives you a one up on a lot of people. 

[mymistake]

Find out what the age of consent is in your state and in her state.  Unless she lives somewhere with one of the lowest age of consents in the region then you would do well to drop this.  Everybody deserves a certain number of years to be left alone.  Your thoughts and feelings are irrelevant.  They just are not important.  What matters are your actions.  Respect the age of consent and yes that includes talking about it.  This is very dangerous ground.  You don't need that kind of trouble.

[VacuumFlux]

I've noticed that the type of body I'm attracted to is strongly correlated with whoever I happen to have a crush on at the time. I do have some generic preferences that hold true all the time, but my favorite body type changes depending on who I've been feeling lust for most recently. So it's possible that you prefer guys, but since there's one girl you like right now you're noticing anyone who kinda looks like her.

 

I don't know if it's more useful to call myself bi or gay. Remember, they're only words people made up to make communication easier, and reality is more complex than those simple categories. I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey scale (0 is completely straight, 6 is completely homosexual) - I have a strong preference for women, but don't always object to men. If I call myself a lesbian, I might miss out on a guy a like. If I call myself bi, straight guys hear "threesome!" and/or think they've got more of a chance with me than is realistic. It also varies a little with the time of the month.

 

I didn't know I liked women until I was in my mid-20s. Growing up fundy, I noticed my reactions to sexualized advertisments featuring women and was breifly afraid that I might be gay, but since I'd been attracted to guys before I decided that couldn't be true. I decided I must have been feeling jealousy, not lust, cause that's a thing straight women do. Somewhere in college I leared that "bi" exists and got excited to find a term that seemed more appropriate. So I happily called myself bi for a while. Then one of my friends, with whom I have a lot of honest and open talks with, said that I sure don't talk/act very bi, and really seem more like a lesbian. I insisted that since sometimes I'm willing to put up with males, I can't be a real lesbian. He pointed out that calling myself "bi" can be dishonest too, since my attraction isn't equal. It took me years to accept that even if I am capable of attraction to either sex, I'd really rather be with a woman. I was just so used to thinking of hetero relationships as the default that it was hard to comprehend that I'm capable of them but don't really want them.

 

Edit: Another point about the age thing... you're the adult here, and you're this confused about what you want and feel? Even among peers, it's a good idea to figure yourself out so that when you approach someone else, you can be honest about what you want from them (and crushes are often more about what you want from someone, than about loving them and wanting what's best for them). She needs some time to grow up (at least for the legal considerations), and you need time to figure yourself out. At this point, it sounds like she would be more of an experiment than a serious romantic partner. Maybe check out some local bi/lesbian groups to talk to? Go to a lebian hangout and see how you react to women flirting with you?

[midniterider]

There's this girl that I started to like a few weeks or months ago. I'm not sure how long it's been. The problem is that she just turned 15 and I'm 18, so I feel weird about this. She was 14 when this started. I should say that I am also a girl.

 

I'm still in the kind of high stage of crushing, I guess. I think about her all day, and if the phone rings or I get a Facebook message, I want it to be her. If it isn't--which it usually isn't--I get a little depressed. Sometimes I crash, lock myself in my room, and listen to her favorite metal bands even though I don't actually like them. She keeps changing her profile picture to one of herself and her on-and-off boyfriend, which irritates me somewhat. I obsessively check Facebook to look at her status or to see if she sent me anything. I'm afraid to call or message her first because she might be busy or maybe I'm annoying her.

 

Is it wrong to feel like this about someone who is underage? I feel guilty when I daydream about touching her. I'd never do anything physical with this girl before she's 18 (and she lives several states away, so I can't), but I still feel like a creep.

 

There are a few reasons that make me wonder if I honestly like her. First, I have never had feelings for a girl before, just boys, though I have always wanted to experiment with girls--and have tried that a few times. I still sort of like a guy that I've been into since ninth grade. So I wonder if this crush is partly due to my fascination with lesbian relationships. And she likes me too, apparently. She's told me this a few times; I was thinking that maybe I enjoyed the attention. Third, we have been good friends for a couple of years. I felt bad when she said that she liked me, and I couldn't return that (at the time). It might be partly pity feelings--the last thing I want to do is hurt her.  Fourth, she is extremely important to me. She is the first person I want to talk to when I'm upset. She's had depression for as long as I've known her. She used to cut and at least once she tried to commit suicide. So I thought that my bicuriosity (maybe), the attention, not wanting to hurt her, and being afraid to lose her convinced me that I like her. Does this make sense at all?

 

What I'm trying to figure out is 1) am I sick for liking her, and 2) am I bisexual. I sort of want to be bi because I'm really into this girl. But then, I always thought of myself as straight before now, and never felt like this about a girl. 

 

I've been noticing girls more since I started to think about this. I don't know whether I have always done that, or if it's a reaction to this issue.

 

Bi and gay people, when did you begin to wonder about your sexuality and how long did it take you to straighten it out? How did you do it? I have been all over the Internet looking for bisexuality quizzes. (Quizfarm probably isn't APA-approved, so does anyone have suggestions?)

 

I know people say only you can know for sure what your orientation is. But has anyone else been through something like this? What do you think? Thanks for reading.

 

Ask your Dad these questions. Just kidding. :-)

 

I was married to a cutter who was depressed and sometimes suicidal. She also had frequent panic attacks and was afraid of everything. It sucked after a while (some years), I got tired of the drama and divorced her. 

[Guest r3alchild]

So with all this advice do you know what to do? I wouldnt know what to tell you except, may all your fantasies remain clean and pure and fit into the model of society.

 

Fuck that!

[boftx]

The saying "16 will get you 20" is true no matter what gender preferences are involved, but especially if there is religious motivation behind the disapproval.

 

Lilith, you already seem to have some areas of conflict with your family, it doesn't seem wise to add the potential of severe legal problems to the mix.

[milesaway]

I would definitely wait until she is of age for anything beyond a platonic relationship. Better safe than sorry. You can use those three years between now and when she turns 18 to figure out your sexual identity, and if you're both available at that point, then i'd say go for it if she has the same feelings for you.

 

I don't think you're sick for liking her, no matter what anyone has to say about it. She's roughly your age, you were in high school around the same time, so no.

 

FWIW, i rate a 2 on the Kinsey scale, and a bit of a late bloomer in that department.

[Lilith666]

I would definitely wait until she is of age for anything beyond a platonic relationship. Better safe than sorry. You can use those three years between now and when she turns 18 to figure out your sexual identity, and if you're both available at that point, then i'd say go for it if she has the same

feelings for you.

 

I don't think you're sick for liking her, no matter what anyone has to say about it. She's roughly your age, you were in high school around the same time, so no.

 

That's pretty much what I was thinking: stay friends for now, and see what happens when she's older.

 

Thanks for saying I'm not sick. I had some pretty horrible bouts of guilt.

[mymistake]

 

Thanks for saying I'm not sick. I had some pretty horrible bouts of guilt.

 

 

There is no crime for having thoughts.  It's your Christian upbringing that trained you to believe your thoughts are wrong or evil.  Only actions matter.  Keep your actions appropriate and you will be fine no matter what thoughts you have.

 

As for actually being sick.  You are attracted to people who have been through puberty, yes.  The reason age of consent is so high is another matter.  That has to do with the risks of sex.   Back when I was in high school there was a lot of senior-freshman relationships.  And people bragged if they could date somebody in college.  It's not that uncommon.    

 

My advise to you would be to date other people for the next few years of your life.  If down the road when your old crush becomes an adult maybe you can look into that.  But there is a good chance that you will forget all about her.  You should be having fun with your life now.

[R. S. Martin]

 

I would definitely wait until she is of age for anything beyond a platonic relationship. Better safe than sorry. You can use those three years between now and when she turns 18 to figure out your sexual identity, and if you're both available at that point, then i'd say go for it if she has the same

feelings for you.

 

I don't think you're sick for liking her, no matter what anyone has to say about it. She's roughly your age, you were in high school around the same time, so no.

That's pretty much what I was thinking: stay friends for now, and see what happens when she's older.

 

Thanks for saying I'm not sick. I had some pretty horrible bouts of guilt.

 

 

Sounds like a decent plan. Sorry I didn't clue in to your fears about being sick. You did mention it but I don't see you at all as being sick. The feelings of guilt could have been brought about by the general knowledge that society says you shouldn't be hooking up with a girl so much younger. But it's true--she's not that much younger. By the time you're thirty and thirty-four, if you're still together, you'll be the same age. It's just the ages both of you are at right now and the laws that are in place, etc.

[Galien]

Lilith people are just stupid over this stuff, especially in America. If you get involved with her physically you will be treated like there is something wrong with you. There isn't, there is something wrong with the law in your country.

 

It is best to stay away until she is old enough according to the law, otherwise you will just end up in trouble. I find the laws in America governing sexuality really ridiculous. That is why they are constantly being broken. You would think the acutalities of life would give the lawmakers a clue, but they way they view life is so biased toward christian morality it is silly, considering so many people do not live by it.

 

Of course you are not sick, we are just attracted to whomever we are. Nature does not have the restrictions that humans place on it.

[milesaway]

 

I would definitely wait until she is of age for anything beyond a platonic relationship. Better safe than sorry. You can use those three years between now and when she turns 18 to figure out your sexual identity, and if you're both available at that point, then i'd say go for it if she has the same

feelings for you.

 

I don't think you're sick for liking her, no matter what anyone has to say about it. She's roughly your age, you were in high school around the same time, so no.

That's pretty much what I was thinking: stay friends for now, and see what happens when she's older.

 

Thanks for saying I'm not sick. I had some pretty horrible bouts of guilt.

 

 

You are NOT sick. I heard a lot of people at the last two churches i visited say shit like that about those who identify as LGBT, and it tore me up inside every time i'd hear them do it. I thought of the friends i have and the people i've known who are LGBT, like a couple professors from college, a friend who married her high school girlfriend, another friend who married his longtime boyfriend, and a guy i went to high school with who is trans. I also got to thinking about a trans guy i once knew on LJ, and how distraught he was over the religious teachings he had as a kid towards people like him. He was a complete wreck.

 

When they said that shit, they said it about these people. I wondered back then if they would have had the guts to say it to their faces. They probably wouldn't, or they'd backpedal and say they didn't mean it that way, yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I'm through with them, and i'm sorry i ever wasted my time on them and gave them the time of day in the first place.

 

That said, it's whatever faction of xtianity you came from that has taught you to think that way and feel that guilt. It's gonna take a while to unlearn what they've drilled into you whether by words or implication, but it's doable. Definitely best to wait and see what happens when she's of age, if for no other reason than for the sake of legality and ultimately your relationship with her.

[mymistake]

Lilith people are just stupid over this stuff, especially in America. If you get involved with her physically you will be treated like there is something wrong with you. There isn't, there is something wrong with the law in your country.

 

It is best to stay away until she is old enough according to the law, otherwise you will just end up in trouble. I find the laws in America governing sexuality really ridiculous. That is why they are constantly being broken. You would think the acutalities of life would give the lawmakers a clue, but they way they view life is so biased toward christian morality it is silly, considering so many people do not live by it.

 

Of course you are not sick, we are just attracted to whomever we are. Nature does not have the restrictions that humans place on it.

 

Those adults who get physical with a 15 year old deserve what they get.  Lilith did the right thing because she didn't act on it and didn't reveal the crush.  If you want to live in a country with no age of consent then try the Middle East.  Most of the world protects 15 year olds from adults.  I believe that also includes the place where you live.

 

It's okay to be attracted to a teen in your thoughts but you respect them with your actions.  If they are below the number then don't touch, don't flirt and don't even give them the slightest hint.  If you start telling people that nature does not have restrictions you just open the door for rape gangs and murder.  Those things are perfectly natural.  Humans are starting to become civilized.  That is why we require our species to get informed consent before we mate.  Fooling or seducing children doesn't cut it.  

[Galien]

 

Lilith people are just stupid over this stuff, especially in America. If you get involved with her physically you will be treated like there is something wrong with you. There isn't, there is something wrong with the law in your country.

 

It is best to stay away until she is old enough according to the law, otherwise you will just end up in trouble. I find the laws in America governing sexuality really ridiculous. That is why they are constantly being broken. You would think the acutalities of life would give the lawmakers a clue, but they way they view life is so biased toward christian morality it is silly, considering so many people do not live by it.

 

Of course you are not sick, we are just attracted to whomever we are. Nature does not have the restrictions that humans place on it.

 

Those adults who get physical with a 15 year old deserve what they get.  Lilith did the right thing because she didn't act on it and didn't reveal the crush.  If you want to live in a country with no age of consent then try the Middle East.  Most of the world protects 15 year olds from adults.  I believe that also includes the place where you live.

 

It's okay to be attracted to a teen in your thoughts but you respect them with your actions.  If they are below the number then don't touch, don't flirt and don't even give them the slightest hint.  If you start telling people that nature does not have restrictions you just open the door for rape gangs and murder.  Those things are perfectly natural.  Humans are starting to become civilized.  That is why we require our species to get informed consent before we mate.  Fooling or seducing children doesn't cut it.  

 

 

Nobody is suggesting that fooling or seducing children is a good thing. I was sexually abused as a nineyear old so I am hardly advocating that. I find the whole "protection" thing interesting. What do you make of fifteen year olds fucking each other? Should they be protected from each other? Criminalised because their hormones got the better of them? Just because you set an arbitrary age for people to fuck legally does not mean people are going to stick to it. At least here there is a more reasonable age of consent, and people over 18 who have sex with 16 or 17 year olds are not treated like some kind of sickos who need to go to jail. Sadly though, as with everything the american influence has drifted in his direction and numerous do gooders seem to be trying hard to persuade us that 16 year olds are children.

 

When I was 16 I was having very nice sex thank you with my soon to be husband, whom I married two weeks after I turned 17. This ridiculous extended childhood business is a fairly recent thing. I know quite a few people, now in their seventies and eighties who married at 16 or 17 and have been married ever since. People are too easily swayed by the latest dogooders. Drives me nuts.

[mymistake]

Please stop giving my friends advise that will land them in prison and on the sex offender list for life.  Is that too much to ask?  This isn't about your personal situation.  It isn't about you.

[Galien]

I said, and I quote, "it is best to say away until she is old enough according to the law, otherwise you will get into trouble". One wonders where your comprehension skills are.

[mymistake]

I said, and I quote, "it is best to say away until she is old enough according to the law, otherwise you will get into trouble". One wonders where your comprehension skills are.

 

You also said "If you get involved with her physically you will be treated like there is something wrong with you. There isn't, there is something wrong with the law in your country."

 

Emphasis added.

 

There is nothing wrong with an adult having sex with a 15 year old?  I beg to differ.  In most parts of the world there is a certain legal matter.  Now if you want to rage against the laws of the world could you please start a new thread about that.  Somebody came to us for advise and you are handing out dangerous advise.  

[Galien]

Bends over and regales you with her pretty pink asshole. Take some meds before you have another fit of apoplexy you silly anal retentive control freak. Doesn't take you long to bite does it sweetheart? 

 

And I note you didn't bother answering the question about fifteen year olds fucking each other. Would you have the filthy little law breakers thrown into a juvenile facility for the heinous little criminals they are???

 

Love telling me what to do dont you?

[mymistake]

 

And I note you didn't bother answering the question about fifteen year olds fucking each other. 

 

Start a new thread.  I refuse to go that far off topic in this thread because the person asking advise is not 15.

 

I looked it up.  There is no state in the US that has 15 for AoC.  Many US states have 16 as the cut off.  Many require that the couple be very close together in age.  That protects the 17-18 couples.  There might be a state that goes farther but this is very dangerous.  No amount of romance or story book words makes it worth winding up on the sex offender list.  Keep things in perspective.

[Galien]

 

 

And I note you didn't bother answering the question about fifteen year olds fucking each other. 

 

Start a new thread.  I refuse to go that far off topic in this thread because the person asking advise is not 15.

 

I looked it up.  There is no state in the US that has 15 for AoC.  Many US states have 16 as the cut off.  Many require that the couple be very close together in age.  That protects the 17-18 couples.  There might be a state that goes farther but this is very dangerous.  No amount of romance or story book words makes it worth winding up on the sex offender list.  Keep things in perspective.

 

 

Yeah, well we all know how stitched up you'all are over there. The point being that just because something is illegal, does not mean there is something wrong with a person for wanting to do it. But if you would prefer that your "friend" was wracked with guilt for perfectly normal sexual feelings, that is up to you.