A Deppressing Love Story

[megasamurai]

I've been extremely sad today and feel like I need to tell my story. The past has come back to bite me. I need help dealing with certain issues.

 

When I was a Christian, I obeyed the rules to a paronoid extent. I dotted all my eyes and crossed every T. I considering putting this much stress on my life fun in a weird way and considered a challenge. I did it to keep the fear at bay for being set on fire for disobedience. Still, obedience didn't save me from fear because their were so many hard to follow rules.Still, I felt trying would give me less fear than not trying. Actions were so easy to perform, but my church put focus on a moral world that was even harder to deal with. My thought and emotional life were considered something supremely important to conform with the Bible. I found this extremely hard to deal with. It put so much stress on my life that I wanted to give up, but I knew I would be damned if I did. I was in a deep depression.

 

I became extremely addicted to Christian music and videos. The ideas expressed in the music and videos were able to make my be able to program a love for God. I always cried at the crucifixtion scene that our church had every week. The music told me God loved me. It was beautifully written to my middle school brain. When I sang it, I felt an orgasmic amount of joy and love that came from God or so I thought.

 

Then, the unthinkable happened. I got tired and bored of spiritual masterbation. I stopped singing the songs. At this point, I was worried if I loved God or humans more. I was terrified of idolatry. I felt unwilling to do the one rule I refused to perform, get dunked in water. I felt afraid of doing such in bunch of a ton of people and bringing attention to myself. My dad gave me a shotgun baptism in a hotel pool. He asked me if I loved God. I digged in my brain and was terrified to find out that I felt nothing. I was taught that love was a choice, but I wanted to feel love and couldn't feel it.

 

Then I met an atheist girl in high school. A girl I was taught was physically incapable of love because she was an unbeliever. She was very flirty and interested in me. She was kind and sweet to me. A girl who supposedly couldn't love made me feel love. I was taught it was immoral to date an unbeliever. We both wanted to date but I didn't do it because I told myself I loved God more than her. The truth was that her love felt arguably better than what my spiritual orgasms gave me. I was just scared of sinning and going to hell. She once did the unthinkable and gave me a hug, which was considered extermely sinful to do before marriage in the Assemblies of God ideology. I was upset that I enjoyed being sinned against.

 

I used as much willpower as I could to try to feel love for God. No matter how much willpower I used, I couldn't feel anything for him beyond simple pity for dying on the cross. I didn't feel any profound sense of affection that I felt for the girl I just met. I was confused as to how love can be a choice if I wanted to feel it but couldn't. My love somehow burned out like a candle. Somehow, it was replaced with a new love, a love of "sinners". I felt extremely bothered by his actions of sending them to hell. Every time I tried to feel love for him, I couldn't because a voice in my head which I thought could be the Devil told me that God harmed others. I got so tired of trying to feel love for him and the stress that came with it that I gave up.

 

Today, I've felt extremely saddened to return to my home environment where my tempermental mother reminds me of how "love is a choice" and that I'm an asshole for not being able to feel it for God. I wonder why all my experiences point otherwise if this mantra is irrefutable fact. I didn't choose to feel deep compassion and love for the "evil" atheist girl, it just happened. I didn't want to not feel love for God, but I didn't feel it. How does love really work? Am I really an asshole that doesn't deserve to be loved because I don't feel passion for God? I feel so depressed

[Galien]

Your mother is brainwashed by Christian garbage. People are just people, believers or not, all capable of love unless they have some mind of mental illness that prevents them feeling it. Sounds like you have been hanging around some seriously tucked up Christians who are a little bit too in love with their own deluded belief system. No need for you to feel bad over not being able to find affection for a god that most likely isn't there. Religious delusion is a choice.

[Geezer]

The idea commonly promoted by Christians that God is Love is absurd. Believer’s say they love God but in reality they only FEAR God. They do all they can to suppress their human needs and desires in the hope that will be enough to keep them out of hell. Religion ain’t about love it’s about control, fear, and extorting money from gullible and naïve people who are so brainwashed they are afraid to use even an inkling of common sense, read between the lines of scripture, or peer into the annals of religious history to see if there is any valid evidence that would indicate any of it is actually true. The choose instead to believe what they are told.

[megasamurai]

So was my fear that he struck in me the reason I didn't feel affection for him?

[RenaissanceWoman]

You, my friend, are the sane one. Relax. You can't love someone who does not respond to your end of the conversation, who ignores you when you ask for help, who makes you jump through hoops to try and find him, and who simply never shows up. If that were a real person, it would quite a sick relationship. You also can't love someone who allows others to make you feel like a worthless sinner for possessing emotions and fears inherent to the humans he supposedly created and loves. You can't love someone who says you must love him or burn for eternity, and he can read your thoughts so he knows if you are just saying you love him. (Mind fuck!) You can't love this particular someone because he just doesn't exist. (Or else he's passive-aggressive, or he's a worthless absent father, or he's just a jerk.)

 

I feel sorry for your mom. She has convinced herself she is in love with an invisible, non-existent entity. You, on the other hand, I feel hope for. You have a chance to get out of this crap and find healthy relationships. You have a chance at real love.

 

I trust that you have noticed on this site that atheists can be very amazing and thoughtful people. You have begun an amazing journey, and I'm glad it has brought you here. Keep reading, thinking, and asking questions. You will get where you need to go.

[Geezer]

So was my fear that he struck in me the reason I didn't feel affection for him?

 

 

Maybe you subconsciously figured out the God of the Bible is a myth created by humans. I would think it would be hard to develop genuine affection for something you know, or stongly suspect, doesn't really exist.

[megasamurai]

I'm trying to figure the mantra out. If "love is a choice" were really completly true, why did my desire to love God not make me love God? Why couldn't I control my affections? Why couldn't I remove my affection for the atheist girl?

[RenaissanceWoman]

I see your confusion! "Love is a choice" would imply that love is an intellectual pursuit, and not an emotion. I'm sure there are some deep philosophical definitions out there, but I would say that intellect and emotions are not the same thing.

 

If you watch someone you love die slowly from a terrible disease, you will feel sad when they die. You can rationalize to yourself to get over the grief -- rejoice because that person's pain has finally ended; or remind yourself they had a profound effect on your life and development as a human, so you should feel happy about those memories. But you are still going to feel the emotions of sadness and loss. You can't choose not to feel that, no matter how hard you intellectualize for it. You will feel better over time, of course, but not because you chose to make it go away this instant.

 

I think you can choose actions and even which thoughts to entertain, but I'm not sure you can choose an emotion such as love. For example, you can choose to find (action verb!) things to love about someone or about god, but that does not mean you are going to love them per se. In a bad situation, you can look for ways to comfort yourself and get through it, but that does not mean you are going to suddenly love the situation itself.

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

In other words, I don't understand the mantra either! And honestly, I have never heard it put like that, so I'm not sure where they are getting that. Maybe from the same place they got the idea that hugging before marriage is a sin. Good grief!

[megasamurai]

So it's not like a light switch I can turn on and off like my church claims? It's not something I can effortlessly do. I found it hard to love the unseen more than the seen. I could see, hear, and feel my first reciprocated crush. I couldn't experience God with my phyiscal senses. I think it would take a lot of mental energy to genuinely love him more than a human.

[rain]

Lets suppose that a mate was chosen for you and you were told that this is the best mate and only mate for you ever. This person does not appeal to you on an intellectual, physical, mental, emotional level at all, but you have been raised to believe that this person is the only one for you. This person rarely if ever interacts with you. Never makes eye contact with you, never speaks to you. Never touches you. Just plain ignores you. Do you think you could honestly choose to love this person? Love is not a choice, it is a reaction to someone who acknowledges you . God does not acknowledge you. God does not exist.

to add

Sometimes people wish for the love of others and want that soooooo bad they will wrongly convince themselves that the person does love them. They will choose to love (false love) that person to fulfill their need to be loved.

hope this will help you.

[megasamurai]

So in essance, if I try to feel love for God, I won't succeed and won't be happy, but I look for love from someone who shows me kindness and affection, I will feel love for them and happiness?

[rain]

To put it simply, YES !

[RenaissanceWoman]

Yes! The feelings you had for that young woman you described... you did not seek that, work toward it, beg your mind to make it so -- it just came to you. That was love.

[RipVanWinkle]

megasamurai: Teenage years are confusing for everyone, but your confusion is not based on being a teenager. Your mother (gawd bless her) has been misled by a false religion. She's not at fault. I'm sure she loves you very much. But her religion has put fear in control of her dealing with you toward on this issue. I feel for her. But don't you get trapped with a myth as she has done. You cannot do anything about your mother's fears. You need to concentrate on putting this mythical Xtianity behind you.

 

You will not receive the proper advice from your mother (loving though she is)because

she doesn't have the right solution. Nor will the pastor or other christians be helpful. You have been raised in an environment of false beliefs. It's easy to think that all the world is like the environment in which you live, but it is not.

 

But you are young and don't need to panic. You have a lot of time to decide for

yourself what to believe. IMPORTANT: Nobody knows the truth with certainty about God,

the origination of life or what lies after death. NOBODY. But some people (pastors in

particular) have spent a long time learning how to appear to know all about those

matters, which philosophers have been arguing about for thousands of years.

 

Christianity is a myth without evidence to support it. Faith is religion's substitute

for evidence. Many very brilliant people rejected Xtianity as a myth. Mark Twain said: "Faith is belevin' in something you know ain't so."

 

But what you believe is your business and nobody else's. After you have read about

Xtian history and what knowledgeable folks have written about Xtianity and other

religions to your satisfaction you will be able to make your own decision about you

world view. You can do so through reading. People here can recommend some good books. You'll know when you're ready. It is unfair for anyone to try to convince a young person to commit to a particular religion. To try to do so is an attempt to brainwash. You

need to have been adequately informed before deciding on whether you will believe in a religion or choose not.

 

Oh, by the way. I was a Xtian for many years and never was able to muster up a feeling of love for god. How could I? I've never met him personally.

 

Please keep coming back and talking with people here. I think you will learn a lot and enjoy it. I hope this helps answer some of your questions.

[Storm]

Reading about this "Love" for god thing brought up something that I heard a few years back. Someone once said that we relate to god like we relate to our earthly father. I would agree to an extent. I think that we as humans try to conjure up what our perception of god is and if we have a wonderful, loving father here, we project that relationship to our interpretation of god. I had a platonic relationship with my dad and I believe that that type of relationship manifested itself in my interpretation of my relationship with god. I loved my dad and I know that my dad loved me, but he never said it, he just lived his life. I longed for such a intimate, loving relationship with god because I lacked it from my father. I have to say that I never truly felt the love back. I say that you love what you know is real. If someone is showing you love and attention and you feel like a whole person because of it, go for it. Life is too short to play games, If god is truly love, just as in the sense that all truth is god's truth, all love is god's love. Love transcends religion and doctrine. Its love. If god is real, he wouldn't punish real love, would he? I would like to believe not. Hold your head up and live your life guilt free. you will be better for it.

[RenaissanceWoman]

So, megasamurai... You've had a night to sleep on all this. How are you feeling this morning? It's a sunny new day here at my house, and I hope the same is true for you.

[megasamurai]

I had a dream about people I admire and look up to. I dreampt upon people from college that I work for and care about very much. I think it's their love I desire, even if  it's platonic.

[RenaissanceWoman]

How's it going, megasamurai? You mentioned feeling depressed in your original post, so I am just following up. To let you know... been there, done that. I know how that can be, and I want you to feel better in some small way at least!

 

So here's your little bit of encouragement for today.  

[megasamurai]

I'm feeling okay. I feel locked in my room for a long time, but I'll cope.

[Fernweh]

megasamurai, I know from another thread that we have similar backgrounds with Assemblies of God. Teenage years are difficult enough but those AofG nutters make it far worse that it needs to be. I recall youth group discussions where we debated whether it would be a sin to even date someone outside of the AofG denomination. The problem is that they having you labeling someone as atheist, or catholic, or whatever. Instead of atheist girl your mind needs to think "girl that likes me". This is just some deprogramming that will take some time. It took me years to figure this stuff out on my own. Had I figured this out 20 years ago I would be much further ahead today.

 

As for love and affection. You can't have feelings for something that doesn't exist. The people you see who "love god" are in love with their own self projection of god. My mother dragged me to all sorts of churches from Methodist to Pentecostal. The AofG crowd and Pentecostals were by far the worst SPAG offenders. Their churches are in constant turmoil and splinter off into more and smaller churches because their SPAG often does not agree. So they go off and create new non-affiliated church groups with a brand of SPAG they can all agree on...at least for a while. For a critical thinker these places are a real mindfuck.

[kolaida]

I'm trying to figure the mantra out. If "love is a choice" were really completly true, why did my desire to love God not make me love God? Why couldn't I control my affections? Why couldn't I remove my affection for the atheist girl?

 

Love isn't a choice.  That's like when someone is depressed and they are told that happiness is a choice. I spent five years in major depressive disorder thinking I should just kill myself since I was so obviously choosing to not be happy. Once diagnosed and treated, life improved greatly.

 

Stuff happens in life. You had a spark with this atheist girl. Until you found out she was atheist (and maybe even after), you had plans of pursuing her that probably weren't full of guilt. 

 

I think the choice the church is probably trying to push on you is more of a you can choose to still go to church and let them continue brainwashing you or you can choose not to. Love isn't really about choices until you're in a long term relationship (you're choosing to be in that relationship and not seek out others or act on sparks you might feel with another).  You can choose to love people in your family (your mother, etc) and, even then, it's more like something inside that brings that out.  It's really, really hard and quite annoying, though, when people try to compare this kind of love to choosing to love God. You really can't see, speak, or touch God.  You have no memories of God, you have never interacted with him. Even if love WAS purely a choice, any sane person would have a hard time choosing to love someone completely invisible that gives no tangible signs of their existence. 

[megasamurai]

So in other words, his intangibility might be why I physically couldn't feel anything for him no matter how hard I tried?

[RenaissanceWoman]

Yes, exactly! You were not deficient, evil, lazy, obstinate, or anything like that. You were normal.

 

Call me crazy, but I expect someone who loves me to actually show it. (Not just random good parking spots, finding a $5 bill on the sidewalk, seeing a butterfly on a sad day, and other silly little insignificant coincidences.) I mean daily interaction in my life. Obvious help in time of trouble. Obvious sharing in the joy in time of happiness. Real life.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

 

I'm trying to figure the mantra out. If "love is a choice" were really completly true, why did my desire to love God not make me love God? Why couldn't I control my affections? Why couldn't I remove my affection for the atheist girl?

 

Love isn't a choice.  That's like when someone is depressed and they are told that happiness is a choice. I spent five years in major depressive disorder thinking I should just kill myself since I was so obviously choosing to not be happy. Once diagnosed and treated, life improved greatly.

 

Stuff happens in life. You had a spark with this atheist girl. Until you found out she was atheist (and maybe even after), you had plans of pursuing her that probably weren't full of guilt. 

 

I think the choice the church is probably trying to push on you is more of a you can choose to still go to church and let them continue brainwashing you or you can choose not to. Love isn't really about choices until you're in a long term relationship (you're choosing to be in that relationship and not seek out others or act on sparks you might feel with another).  You can choose to love people in your family (your mother, etc) and, even then, it's more like something inside that brings that out.  It's really, really hard and quite annoying, though, when people try to compare this kind of love to choosing to love God. You really can't see, speak, or touch God.  You have no memories of God, you have never interacted with him. Even if love WAS purely a choice, any sane person would have a hard time choosing to love someone completely invisible that gives no tangible signs of their existence. 

 

 

You might as well be trying to love Superman if it's that hard to love "God". At least in the comic books, movies, and TV shows, Superman's a lot more friendly, so if every source of media about him was mixed together into one giant story that tells us he was 100% real, it would be slightly easier to love Superman than it was to love "God".

[megasamurai]

I'm back. I've just had a terrible time lately. I feel like I have to feel love for God to be socially accepted. If I try hard enough, I can feel something, but it feels more like a sense of obligation to be God's slave than true love or affection. I think I know I was trying to re-brainwash myself into thinking it's good for God to send people to hell. That atheists are STD spreading scum that deserve to be fried. I tried but this did not remove my resentment towards God. I still feared him for his willingness to send me to hell if I fail to love him more than anyone else. Trying to love him made me miserable. Still, my fear of God exising is getting to me. I don't know what to do with my depression. I realize I don't really condone God sending people to hell and am just pretending to approve to save my bacon. I realize that there are non-believers who have been kind and caring to me. I realize I actually can't get rid of my love for them. I need to find a way to let go of fear of God.