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God Will Not Take Care Of You


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When I was young, I believed God would take care of me. I was sick early and thought he would care for me. he did not. I almost died as family "prayed"

 

Further, like idiots, my family gave away houses and huge quantities of land and money, often just to a buddy. AND the said buddy went a developed that land and is now a millionaire. 

 

This has left my sister almost homeless as she is disabled, all of us poor er than shit, and those of us who got out are still having a hard time be cause we realized too late that God DOES NOT take care of us! If you wait too long, you cannot recoup those losses. 

 

THEN, they led me to marry an old man with 3 grown kids who not only abused us, but also took everything when he went because he, being a convert, KNEW that it was not up to God but to him. Meanwhile I was thinking God would take care of me.

 

And they were quite insane about it all.......forgive, no lawyer, God will pay you back!! You were wrong and HE will help you!, blah blah. Well, they are dead and husband is remarried to a 25 year old, and me? Nothing but pain from the gods of my fathers. 

 

Even my highschool sweetheart got married several years ago  :-( AND the kid who sold drugs is ALSO MARRIED and runs a business!!

 

Yes I am bitter and I am wallowing because I have no other options. I am sick now and I am, the one no one wants to be and yet i have to keep breathing like a moth stuck to a windshield. i will glad when this is over. 

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The one thing you do have is yourself. Not sure how far along in this process you are, but it's been a few years and I'm still working on being the one to take care of myself. It's a pretty rude awakening to realize you've been lied to, and not only do you suddenly have all these responsibilities you'd been told weren't your problem, but you don't know how to go about being responsible for yourself because it involved an entire skillset you've never practiced. It sucks, but it can be easier as you learn the skills to navigate the world around you. Best part is, once you've got a certain level of self-determination figured out, you realize it gives you power. Not a lot of power, and not over much, but you're the one who gets to pick how some things are going to go in your life.

 

Oh, and you no longer have to forgive. You were lied to, taken advange of, and abused. Your life has been damaged by malicious people and deluded people. You have every right to be angry. When I'm feeling worn out because of all the stuff in the first paragraph, I find that I can draw energy from the anger (of course, wallowing in the anger and feeling sorry for yourself doesn't get much done). What happened to me was wrong, the situation I'm in is wrong, and I'm going to fix it! Try to use the anger to come up with ways to improve your situation, to respond differently than you were taught to. Don't wait for god or anyone else to find solutions for you. I've discovered that there are other options that I was never taught to take advantage of, like social services from the government, Planned Parenthood if you've got medical issues that involve those bits of your body, secular charities, secular social events for companionship, etc. You could even ask a women's shelter for referals to groups that would help you figure stuff out after being in an abusive marriage, 'cause I'm sure they've dealt with that before. There are other options out there for help and support than a non-existant god.

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Yes I am bitter and I am wallowing because I have no other options. I am sick now and I am, the one no one wants to be and yet i have to keep breathing like a moth stuck to a windshield. i will glad when this is over. 

 

Rachel, I'm so sorry hon that you had you go through all this in your life. You are right, it is insanity. When the church gets control of people's minds and they use the fear of god as a tool, anything can happen.

 

I have been so bitter through my deconversion that I thought for sure I would bring about a heart attack on myself, the 'hate' was so strong. The confusion a person goes through when they wake up can be just terrible. I validate your anger. Cry those buckets of tears. It was only when I started to cry and let out the anger that my physical body started to get better. I had made myself sick with hate. Validate that anger for yourself then try to brush yourself off and begin a brand new life. Just take one small step at a time. What can you do to start all over? Have you made a plan? Do you have the strength? Do you have the desire? Maybe, Ex-c can help you begin. Keep posting sweetheart. You don't have to be alone in this. We know what you're going through.

 

Huge hug for you today.

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I agree with everything Margee said and just want you to know that I also feel badly for you and hope

things get better soon. I wish your story could be broadcast to all the brainwashed Xtians as a warning.

But they would just rationalize it away and create a false belief that it was your fault, as ridiculous

as that is. They will deny any truth, no matter how obvious, if it places their mythical religion in

question. Good luck. bill

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Thank you guys. It is so hard and it has been a long while for me since I have deconverted and still.....

 

.I am sure we are the prototypes. Not many were able to de convert and those who did had to be silent. I wonder if the pain ever really goes away. I know the damage cause by it and the life choices I made too early cannot be undone. the love affair with poverty of my denomination cannot be undone, either. Poverty is not bad per se, but crushing poverty will end your life sooner. It's a fact. 

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You have every right to be angry, anger is a legitimate emotion provided that you do not let it take over your life.

 

What is done is done and can no longer be done, but what you can do is take note of your situation and what you have for resources. While Christianity may have taken away your material possessions and wealth, but your most important resource is your mind. Your mind is yours and yours alone and reclaiming your mind and cutting off from them was a major step in improving your situation. If you can, try and take some Adult Ed classes or go to a local community college to gain some skill sets to support yourself. There is financial aid available if you decide to go to college, and I see many older people at my school who have come back to work on a degree. Or see what your local high school provides for adult Ed.

 

All you can do is try to take things one step at a time.  Acknowledge the past, live in the present, and work towards a better future. I know it is easy for me to say, but you can do this. 

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It is the ultimate betrayal to have what you believe to be a 'loving god' fail to provide for and protect you through such awful circumstances. To be left realizing no such god ever existed and you were duped is devastating. I am so sorry you have had to endure all this and am now left to feel alone, with a life in tatters. We are here for you! You are not completely alone. Some great advice has been offered above so all I will add is that if you are unable to regroup and do practical things towards your future (you really do have a chance at a decent future) then just wait it out while you do all you can to sustain yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. The intensity of the experience will pass in time so hang in there and simply keep breathing until you have the strength and focus to step forwards. 

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As others have already said, the pain and anger and frustration will cease over time. It very well maybe a LOT of time before that happens, but it is a healing process. I'm not sure what you were dealing with medically as a child, but hopefully that is not a current issue for you. Thankfully for me, I started to see the truth... or rather UNtruth of the bible,god, the whole shabang when I turned 17 and certain tragic events in my life lead me to see that this is all just some fantasy with little to no basis in reality. Thats not to say my de-conversion was an overnight thing, it was not. I hadnt attended a church service as a believer in about 10 years now, but I dont think I really fully deconverted until maybe this past year.

 

I wish there was something we could do to help you, prayer is useless, so I can't offer that with good conscience. Betrayal is something I know too well, especially from the church. From what you said, sounds like you had some truly emotionally incompetent people in your life, the kind that think that life is just a good ole time and god will take care of EVERYTHING so you dont have to do ANYTHING. And people think religion is a force for good in this world... because yeah, that god-mentality couldnt possibly steer you wrong. /facepalm

 

It really is like a mental illness, but this one is even more dangerous to the mind than schizophrenia and major depression (which I have). Much love goes out to you, I know you have some shitty times ahead, but you will make it through. You are a fighter, and don't need an invisible deity to stand on your own two feet. :)

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Thank you all for your very kind replies and ideas!!

 

Yes......It has been quite some time. I know it sounds like I am new in deconvertion but i am not, but healing has stalled. Indeed, I have gone to University and have done the many things that should have brought about healing over a long period. It has not . That is why I am starting to get somewhat depressed. 

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Thank you all for your very kind replies and ideas!!

 

Yes......It has been quite some time. I know it sounds like I am new in deconvertion but i am not, but healing has stalled. Indeed, I have gone to University and have done the many things that should have brought about healing over a long period. It has not . That is why I am starting to get somewhat depressed. 

 

It is no surprise you are experiencing depression right now. It sounds like you have been fighting really hard for a long time, it must be so exhausting and discouraging. Have you had any treatment for depression? It could be of some benefit, but as you have been through so much it may take some time before you see any signs of recovery. My 'crisis of faith' lasted about four years before I was sure I no longer saw any evidence for the christian god, or any interventionist god really. Now one year after decoverting I am still very fragile and angry. Hang in there, you may just need time. 

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I am with you in your pain and suffering. Jesus did not save me either. Me? I even rescue ants from my dog's wading pool, because I am moved by compassion to do so. God is not so moved despite my years of crying out to him and begging for even grace for the trial.

 

You may be surprised at the resources inside of yourself. God will not help you--he is not there, and even if he was, he won't help--but maybe try to emply your past coping strategies in your present circumstances.

 

If you ever need to whine about health problems, feel free to message me. I have suffered greatly too.

 

Hugs!!!

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That is true, Positivist.

 

In fact, I also save little creatures right and left. I am the one who takes a long time to walk down the sidewalk because I have to save the worms.

 

I really do feel a long time of pain if I see a creature with red ants all over it. Just the other day, we got a little bird who was COVERED in red ants! We grabbed it and put it into a box and the poor little things crapped he was so scared. But we started to blow and pick them off and they started to scatter. One glob was left on his eye and i worked a LOng time to get it off with a piece of grass and he was blinking his little eye to help me help him!!! I was in tears!! Then, when I got it off, he flew off!! I was so happy I could hardly believe it. 

 

THen, a member of my family said he saw the same bird on the porch railing, as if to say THANK YOU!! He said to me, "Rachel, you made a friend for life!"

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Positivist: I thought my wife was the only one. She saves wasps. Well, the bible god saves nothing. I am proud of my wife ---and you. I am not at all proud of the bible god.

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RS, I want to give a tiny bit of advice, for what it's worth. Make sure you are hanging out with people who are not stuck in the poverty mindset. I'm not being a snob, but the reality is that their world view can hold you back.

 

When I met my husband 19 years ago, he was rooming in a crappy apartment with a guy who had a parole officer (drugs and petty crimes). His friends and family had all barely squeaked through high school, lived in depressing rundown rentals, did not even have checking accounts, and knew where to get various illegal recreational substances. His brother-in-law was repeatedly busted for selling drugs, and his sister was a doormat for all kinds of low-lifes. (I could go on, but you get the idea.) Thankfully, my husband knew he did not want that lifestyle, but unfortunately he did not know how to break free from it.

 

I saw him for the gem he was, and he quickly got out of there. He is a decent, law-abiding, hard-working guy, and we have a beautiful life together. He rarely sees those people any more, openly admitting that he does not want to get sucked into their dead-end lives and stupid drama.

 

I'm not sure exactly where you are in this regard, so for you, associating with people who own decent cars, own their homes, have good jobs, and live fairly stable lives might be intimidating, and might make you feel unsuccessful. However, they might also be an inspiration to you. (If these average folks can do it, so can you!) But most importantly -- they know other people like themselves! That's a good way to make other connections, job leads, fun activities with other similar people, etc.

 

This may all be obvious to you, so forgive me if I'm insulting you. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. My husband has several times mentioned that he only wants to hang with people who lift him up and inspire him, and no one who drags him back down. We like people who are who we want to be.

 

I'm so sorry you have this hurdle in your life. Sounds like your family really screwed you over in so many ways. You are a smart and thinking woman, and I know you can take your life to a better place. Take control, be strong, and have faith in yourself. You are going to come out of this with more compassion and wisdom than most people could ever find. You're going to be great!

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"God helps those who help themselves but Christ help any poor bastard that's caught!" I remember saying that to a Christian once and him going on about blasphemy. Seriously though, both my parents loved the Catholic church, and much good it did them. If they had spent one tenth of the money they gave to the bloody church on a property they owned, they'd have been much better off. If they'd spent one hundredth of the time working that they spent arguing with one another, they'd have been still better off. I'd maybe have been a lot better off if I'd never seen the inside of a catholic school.

 

OK I got a pretty fair education out of it, I will say that, but I was also physically, sexually and mentally abused. God didn't help with that. Well and why should he, wasn't him as was abused, was it? The abuse left me with both an alcohol and a nicotine addiction; I smoked like a runaway steam engine and I would have drunk beer through an Arab's underpants. Eventually I beat both addictions, booze first, then the smokes. Just to annoy Christians I like to say I did both things my way. They hate it when people say that, and there's at least one of them on the Internet who hates Frank Sinatra for singing the song first made popular by Paul Anka. 

 

I dropped out of University and returned home. Not only does God not look after people, he doesn't do a good job of looking after farm animals and he sure as fuck can't repair or build farm fences either. I inherited 4,000 acres but Brothelopolis would have been a pretty good name for it! It was fornicatin' awful! If you knew any French at all and you took a look around the place, you would've shook your head and said, "Sacre nom du bordel!" Gawd didn't teach me that phrase either, don't know where I picked it up. 

 

Now it's all beginning to come together. It took me a long time to get it together and I didn't have it anywhere as bad as you Rachel, but I got there in the end. As the Chinese say, "The longest journey starts with a single step." As long as you can put one foot in front of the other and you keep marching on, you'll get there too.

Regards,

Casey

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....I have to save the worms.

 

Positivist: I thought my wife was the only one. She saves wasps. Well, the bible god saves nothing.

 

I save all creatures in my path too--even worms! I even rescue wasps from my dogs' pool! This being "moved by compassion" (a phrase from the gospels, folks!), as I battled with a pain condition not diagnosed--with neither insight nor grace from God--was one big push to my undoing. I felt like I was more compassionate than God. I rescue the creatures in my path and comfort them. God does neither of these for his so-called children.

 

So, all you rescuers out there--worms, caterpillars, wasps, honey-bees, bumble bees, cats, dogs, farm animals, wildlife, you name it--you are the ones who make the world a better and kinder place!

 

beer.gif  Yay us! Save the worms! smile.png

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I want to put a footnote on RenaissanceWoman's reply,which reply I completely agree with. Avoiding the negative victim's attitude of many people in poverty is one thing;judging them is quite another. The

negative attitude that many in poverty have is, in my opinion, a pathological mental condition that

they are stuck with. It's not something they voluntarily choose. True, they contribute to it, but they don't know otherwise. I think of it as kind of like depression: One does not choose to be depressed,

but he/she contributes to it in many ways. Possibly counseling might improve the victim mentality, but from a practical standpoint that is not feasible because of the huge number of people involved. Maybe

some day society will properly address this problem.

 

But it is arrogant, selfish and condescending to look down our noses at these people. In truth they are victims. It's just that they don't know how to rescue themselves. Many republicans will point to a few

people out of millions and exclaim that they are proof that it can be done; but that's not proof. Some people somehow have the ability to accomplish what few others can. Good for them, but just as a few

people can high jump over 7 feet, we mortals need a step ladder. RenaissanceWoman, please don't think I am implicating you as having a condescending attitude. That's the last thing I would think of you.

bill

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I totally agree, Bill. RS was served a double dose of "stuck-ness", both of which are hard to come out of. Just as we must get away from the guilt-ridden, esteem-busting trappings of religion and its followers, she has to break free from negative poverty attitudes of some of the people in her background. Talk about turning one's life upside down and inside out! What a journey.

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I want to put a footnote on RenaissanceWoman's reply,which reply I completely agree with. Avoiding the negative victim's attitude of many people in poverty is one thing;judging them is quite another. The

negative attitude that many in poverty have is, in my opinion, a pathological mental condition that

they are stuck with. It's not something they voluntarily choose. True, they contribute to it, but they don't know otherwise. I think of it as kind of like depression: One does not choose to be depressed,

but he/she contributes to it in many ways. Possibly counseling might improve the victim mentality, but from a practical standpoint that is not feasible because of the huge number of people involved. Maybe

some day society will properly address this problem.

 

But it is arrogant, selfish and condescending to look down our noses at these people. In truth they are victims. It's just that they don't know how to rescue themselves. Many republicans will point to a few

people out of millions and exclaim that they are proof that it can be done; but that's not proof. Some people somehow have the ability to accomplish what few others can. Good for them, but just as a few

people can high jump over 7 feet, we mortals need a step ladder. RenaissanceWoman, please don't think I am implicating you as having a condescending attitude. That's the last thing I would think of you.

bill

 

Thank you for adding this. I read it and was like, "Gee, nice to know some people won't be my friend because I won't have a good enough car!!" I've had to work for quite some time to save up for the used car I will be buying next week.  l live at 200% FPL but have a pretty decent attitude and am constantly working towards TRYING to better my life. Unfortunately, I gave up a scholarship at my parents' request while still being a "true believer." Family comes first and all that jazz (didn't I trust in God?!). Actually, realizing that my parents were either just selfish humans or tools of Satan in my life is what helped me deconvert ultimately. Clearly, my mother is just selfish at times and would rather think of what's best for herself than her kids.  I lucked out when I got the scholarship and I wasn't wise to listen to my parents.  

 

I really don't get it when people say "victim mentality" of people living at poverty level or below. Maybe I just don't have it? I don't know. ANYBODY who whines and complains a lot no matter how poor or rich they are is terrible to be around. 

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You guys have such good advice. I am certainly not giving up! I am older now, so I have a lot of failure to look back on and I know that even if I make all the right choices, at some point luck must be on your side, too. If I must stay in a shit town with no options, it will be harder.

 

I am doing the right things and not  succumbing to depression. I do have friends who are better off but mostly choose to be alone because people do not understand.

 

I so appreciate the perspective of you all on here because there is so much LESS judgment here than the Xers as to what happens to the poor, how hard it is even when WE MAKE THE SAME CHOICES as those who do get out.

 

I went to school, I was married, I did not spend more than I made......but I did not count on PTSD and how other Xers just took off and here I was wondering   WTF. 

 

When you are young and wondering WTF there is always someone there to help you because you are cute and young but not so much when you are older!Wendytwitch.gif

 

But I am keeping my he ad above water for now,. And trust me, I know there are others who have it a lot worse. At least me family still does love me, which is still a great comfort. How to explain that?

 

I know they are one of the families that truly DOES TRY, the ones who really do believe and are not fakers. And, they are very very sad what happened to me and would do anything to help me if they could. Sadly they are in a lot of it now, too..

 

SIGH...........I will keep going........!!!

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You guys have such good advice. I am certainly not giving up! I am older now, so I have a lot of failure to look back on and I know that even if I make all the right choices, at some point luck must be on your side, too. If I must stay in a shit town with no options, it will be harder.

 

I am doing the right things and not  succumbing to depression. I do have friends who are better off but mostly choose to be alone because people do not understand.

 

I so appreciate the perspective of you all on here because there is so much LESS judgment here than the Xers as to what happens to the poor, how hard it is even when WE MAKE THE SAME CHOICES as those who do get out.

 

I went to school, I was married, I did not spend more than I made......but I did not count on PTSD and how other Xers just took off and here I was wondering   WTF. 

 

When you are young and wondering WTF there is always someone there to help you because you are cute and young but not so much when you are older!Wendytwitch.gif

 

But I am keeping my he ad above water for now,. And trust me, I know there are others who have it a lot worse. At least me family still does love me, which is still a great comfort. How to explain that?

 

I know they are one of the families that truly DOES TRY, the ones who really do believe and are not fakers. And, they are very very sad what happened to me and would do anything to help me if they could. Sadly they are in a lot of it now, too..

 

SIGH...........I will keep going........!!!

 

You will make it. Also, when you look back, I'm sure you have a lot of successes in your past as well even if you're not recognizing them yourself right now. I think we all think more on our failures than our successes. Don't think too much as what you think of as failures. Someone once told me that failures were "life experiences."  I thought it was a stupid thought at first, but over time, I've grown to realize they weren't really that far off.   Also, if you're worried about depression (and money), it might be good to figure out if you are actually around the FPL (federal poverty level), what percentage, and if any hospitals, universities, etc. will see you on a sliding scale. Therapy is amazing! I live by a huge research university and they see people for free but several places around also do the sliding scale thing. (Assuming you are American. If not, I'm sure your country has something similar). Make a plan and find a way to work the plan. But don't get too attached to the plan, be willing to be flexible with it!!

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I read it and was like, "Gee, nice to know some people won't be my friend because I won't have a good enough car!!" I've had to work for quite some time to save up for the used car I will be buying next week.

 

That made me laugh! When my current husband picked me up for our second date 19 years ago (we had met somewhere for the first), he was driving a car he had paid $100 for. Can you imagine? He had to start it by crossing two wires, which sometimes went awry and caused burn marks in the carpet. (Oh, the smell!) And the passenger seat (my seat) was from a different car and was not even bolted in. Scary! We still laugh about that car sometimes.

 

A few years ago, his brother (who was over 40 at the time) wanted to buy their sister's old house trailer to live in. She was asking $10K. He asked to borrow the money from us. At that age, he had never had a checking account, no credit record of any kind (which is kind of good, in a way, I suppose), no tax records (always paid under the table), no savings, no insurance, no social security record, and on and on. According to the banks, he did not exist! They would not lend him the money, and neither did we. He was over 40 and had no idea how the world works, and he had nothing. That was the mindset my husband thankfully got out of!

 

No worries, Kolaida. Based on what I know about you from being here, I would be your friend!

 

Not all poor people have that mentality. Just like not all Christians are bad for us either. In fact, my best friend is a single mom of a biracial child, uneducated (formally), living at home with her mother, making almost no money in a part-time job, and still attends my former church. She is the only one from my church who still goes out of her way to be with me since I de-converted, and I respect and enjoy her. We have many morals and philosophies and interests in common, despite all the obvious outside differences. She was my friend before, and is an even better friend now.

 

My point to RS should have been more clear: Be aware of and avoid all trappings everywhere that can hold you back. (Guilt-ridden believers, victim-mentality family members waiting for god to save them and provide for them, etc.) Choose your friends carefully.

 

RS, it sounds like you are aware and doing something about all this. I hope you find some comfort knowing that you are not alone, and others here are willing to help you sort through the madness.

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I read it and was like, "Gee, nice to know some people won't be my friend because I won't have a good enough car!!" I've had to work for quite some time to save up for the used car I will be buying next week.

 

That made me laugh! When my current husband picked me up for our second date 19 years ago (we had met somewhere for the first), he was driving a car he had paid $100 for. Can you imagine? He had to start it by crossing two wires, which sometimes went awry and caused burn marks in the carpet. (Oh, the smell!) And the passenger seat (my seat) was from a different car and was not even bolted in. Scary! We still laugh about that car sometimes.

 

A few years ago, his brother (who was over 40 at the time) wanted to buy their sister's old house trailer to live in. She was asking $10K. He asked to borrow the money from us. At that age, he had never had a checking account, no credit record of any kind (which is kind of good, in a way, I suppose), no tax records (always paid under the table), no savings, no insurance, no social security record, and on and on. According to the banks, he did not exist! They would not lend him the money, and neither did we. He was over 40 and had no idea how the world works, and he had nothing. That was the mindset my husband thankfully got out of!

 

No worries, Kolaida. Based on what I know about you from being here, I would be your friend!

 

Not all poor people have that mentality. Just like not all Christians are bad for us either. In fact, my best friend is a single mom of a biracial child, uneducated (formally), living at home with her mother, making almost no money in a part-time job, and still attends my former church. She is the only one from my church who still goes out of her way to be with me since I de-converted, and I respect and enjoy her. We have many morals and philosophies and interests in common, despite all the obvious outside differences. She was my friend before, and is an even better friend now.

 

My point to RS should have been more clear: Be aware of and avoid all trappings everywhere that can hold you back. (Guilt-ridden believers, victim-mentality family members waiting for god to save them and provide for them, etc.) Choose your friends carefully.

 

 

 

Thanks for that! I figured you meant it more how bill said, which was why I was glad he added the note! And, yeah, sometimes the mentality is a bit annoying. I work with a guy that's like that and it's really frustrating because he seems to focus on it TOO much sometimes (two guys, really- buddies, and they feed off each other rather badly) . Sometimes, you fall into a slump, but you have to get out- but it IS hard when you have  friend that encourages you to stay in that slump!!  They can't be so focused on what they don't make.  I get what you mean! 

 

Awww, thanks! I'd be your friend, too!!   

 

Sadly, my car is $1200 and not $100 but I guess it does have both of it's seats in it, LOL! And has an air conditioner. 

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A lot of poverty stricken people have courage not frequently seen in the more fortunate classes.

Some people I know would say in response, "See, poverty builds character. We're doing them a favor."

 

Bill

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A lot of poverty stricken people have courage not frequently seen in the more fortunate classes.

Some people I know would say in response, "See, poverty builds character. We're doing them a favor."

 

Bill

 

Oh yes! Kind of like teaching children that they are poor miserable sinners deserving of hell. We're making them try harder to be good people. Also doing them a favor.   WendyDoh.gif

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