Update On How The "pretending" Is Going.

[ClaraOlive]

 

 

I’m not pretending, she knows I am no longer a believer. She knows I’m going to church simply to support her.

 

I see making a joint decision to continue going to church together with full knowledge on both sides totally different from the way the situation sounded in the OP, which just sounded like conflict avoidance to me.

[Lerk]

 

I’m not pretending, she knows I am no longer a believer. She knows I’m going to church simply to support her.

 

 

I see making a joint decision to continue going to church together with full knowledge on both sides totally different from the way the situation sounded in the OP, which just sounded like conflict avoidance to me.

Yeah, that was Geezer. Seems like he's dealing with it better than I am.

[sdelsolray]

Childhood indoctrination is the most common reason people adhere to religion.  Peer pressure is the second.

 

Religion is poison, plain and simple.  The OP (and a few others in this thread) bend to peer pressure generating codependency and enabling behavior, and throw intellectual honesty and integrity under the bus.

[DrNo]

MisterTwo, living with a depressed spouse can definitely be a burden. Your choices are certainly understandable, but I don't think that avoiding the issue will ultimately help you or her. You might check out some books on living with a depressed spouse. Based on what you've described, it sounds like there is more than depression going on, though. If she is willing, I hope she will see a professional. If you can, ask ahead to see what approach the professional uses to treat clients and make sure it is something that is backed up in research. If they can't give you a specific theory of therapy that they use, move on to a different provider.

[NeverAgainV]

Do what you have to do to keep peace in your home and in your head if possible.

 

I now realize that I don't have to -or need to -explain what I believe or don't believe to anyone, even in my own family.

 

I also think that sometimes it's OK to lie, fib, not tell the whole truth to maintain happiness or peace in relationships. I've come to this conclusion because of circumstances that arose in my own

life that I would not have understood back then. Guess it takes going through it to understand why people do what they do.

 

Anyhow, just saying....I think I understand. There are several people who know I am not a fundamentalist anymore, but they have no idea I am no longer a xian. I don't feel I need to tell them

in any way unless they honestly inquire...if they did I would tell them. But until then I'm just being me as best I can.

 

Good luck and do what you feel you need to do to keep peace & harmony in your life as best you can.

[RenaissanceWoman]

Then she said "maybe he isn't blessing us because of our lack of faith." I started not to answer, but finally asked if she was blaming me. She said no, that wasn't it, she thought that her lack of faith was part of the problem, as well. (I believe her. She did not sound like she was mad at me when she asked the question. She really wasn't saying it was my fault.)

 

And that's why people turn to religion in the first place: To explain the unexplainable. In this case, the unexplainable is "why me?"

 

Oh no no no! She needs to get off this downward spiral before it takes her for a ride she is not going to like!

 

First: Bad things happen to good people. People with far more devotion than she has are afflicted with far worse things. Why? Because that's life. Why would a loving god let that stuff happen? To test our faith? What kind of a sick teacher is that? No, a loving father would not ignore the cries of his child if there were something he could do to help. Either god is not that powerful to help, or he doesn't care, or... he does not exist. There were plenty of believers who cried out to god and clung to the hope that god would save them as they burned to death at the stake. What kind of sick fuck of a god would let that happen? There was no god there, just twisted people torturing others because of the power trip.

 

Sometimes bad things happen because we are human in a human body that ages and faces other types of dangers (car accidents, for example). The human body can be fragile, especially when up against the effects of aging or forces of physics. Sometimes bad things happen because of other humans who have their own reasons for being shits to us. It's the human condition.

 

Second: I hate to break it to her, but 58 is old enough for stuff to start malfunctioning or just plain wearing out. My husband has a friend who jokes that ever since he turned 50 (he's about 58 now) everything started falling off. Human bodies age. We don't bounce back like we used to. Women especially don't make certain hormones as much, and that effects lots of things -- distribution of other chemicals throughout the body. Repetitive motions or prolonged sedentary careers start to break us down. How many times have you heard people say, "I'm too old for this shit." or "I can't do that like I used to." Don't tell her she's old, but face it, she's getting older. She needs to get over this pity party because she could live another 30-40 years, and needs to learn to roll with the punches of an aging and changing body.

 

A simple question to her doctor could help here: Do you see this sort of thing in other people my age? The answer will undoubtedly be yes, or something along the lines of "after 50, the body reacts differently." It's not god -- it's science, biology, the human condition.

 

On the other hand, this drama could be good for her in the long run (if you can stomach it, and if she doesn't self-destruct first). When I was suffering depression, things kept getting worse and worse with the abusers at my church. I went deeper and deeper into my faith, trying to hear god's voice, trying to seek his will, begging for justice and relief and comfort, searching the bible for signs and wisdom. Nothing. It just got worse. It took about two years (and some truly evil acts of betrayal by my "loving" christian brethren) for me to come to such a deep, low point of despair that I finally snapped out of it -- god is not helping because he does not exist. He had no other excuse. I could point to the bible to show that everything those people were doing was specifically condemned by Jesus, and everything I was trying to do was what I thought Jesus would have me do. God should have stepped in and defended me. Was I not good enough? Did he not love me? Did I have some sin I was not confessing? Did I not believe enough? It was all just bullpucky.

 

I had to take matters into my own hands. Get the hell away from those people. Get some medication to turn off the noise in my head, and put a bandaid on my aching brain. Get some peace by focusing on the joys and pleasures in my life. Maybe your wife needs to get to this point too. Plenty of other people here have talked about taking their religion as far as it could go before they realized the truth. I am comforted to come hear and read that the most devout ones (like me) end up here, and know god is not real.

 

I'm telling you, MisterTwo... she is going down a very dangerous path with this. That religion is poison, and is going to break her down. She needs to snap out of it. Self-doubt, paranoia, manic legalism, constant self-abasement for every little sin, self-berating for not enough faith (how do you measure that anyway?), feelings of abandonment by a loving god, depression... she is heading for trouble.

 

You need to put your foot down. She is in for a world of hurt if she does not course-correct.

 

You mention that she is willing to try hypnosis. Would she be willing to try acupuncture? I found that it did not help specifically with the depression, but it did help with "female problems" (menstrual hormone fluctuations and the physical and emotional turmoil therein). I also found peace during treatments, which was always a little sanctuary for my mind. (Better than going to church for an hour, I can tell you that!) Somehow she could sense my anger in my body, and could turn it off for a short time. What relief! But what really helped was my practitioner's perspective on life and what was going on with me with my church and my faith. Luckily, she was raised in a christian home and attended private christian schools all her life (until college), but she now has a thorough understanding of and appreciation for all kinds of eastern philosophy and has a deep disdain for christianity. All along, she was probably hoping I would snap out of it and deconvert already! But she was gentle and slow about it, and supported me and offered other perspectives. Maybe I just got lucky with this lady. She is also a licensed counselor, so I got a lot of compassion from her. Sometimes she would spend two hours with me in a session! (Not bad for $70.) Just having someone care about me, ask me questions, and show concern for the physical toll on my body was very helpful.

 

Maybe you and your wife could come to a compromise. Agree to go to church once a week, instead of Wednesday nights and Sunday nights. Once should be enough, wouldn't she agree? Then spend those evenings doing something constructive together -- long walks around the neighborhood, bike riding at the lake, putting flowers in that one little spot that always looks so depressing -- you can think of something. Give her something else to care about. Give her some exercise to get her blood flowing. Give her some attention. You have more to offer her than the absent sky daddy who has abandoned her. (Well, he does not exist in the first place, but you know what I mean.) You are real. Her body is real. Flowers next to your front door are real.

 

Sorry to go on for so long. I am very concerned about this development. Hang in there and be strong. She is blessed to have a husband like you who sticks around and cares about her well-being.