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My Christian Ex-Boyfriend Living A Double Life


lotus85
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First of all, excuse for my English since it's not my first language.

 

My ex and I were in relationship for 3 years. The first few months were great, he treated me like a queen. We broke up once at the 4th month due to his stress in PhD studying. We got back a couple months later. He told that he wanted to focus on his PhD studying, so we only met once a week, sometimes once every other week, and talked on the phone every night.

When we reached at the 3rd year of our relationship. I talked to him about marriage. He said he is not ready for marriage since he has not finished his PhD yet. I forgot to mention we have different religions. He is a Christian, and I'm a Buddhist. He said it bothered him, and he only married to me if I convert to Christian. We had a couple fights about that.

He broke up with me two weeks ago. He told that he is not ready for marriage due to his Phd, and does not want to string me along. I cried at first, but then accepted the break up, and went to No Contact for two weeks.

 

After two weeks of NC, I googled his name and found a wedding invitation on a website with the groom's name is the same my ex's name (My ex full name is very rare). I emailed him about that and told him I'm done. He called me non-stop that night, and the next morning he went to my house and knocked on my door and told that it was only his demo invitation for a friend of him. He told me he cares for me, and he did not lie to me.

 

Let me share with you our conversation on the day he came to my house and explained about the wedding invitation. It is after he received my 1st email. You can see from the conversation he lies a lot of things and is very good at manipulating people.

That morning he came to my house at very early morning around 6am, and called me twice but I did not pick up the phone. He opened my patio door (I did not lock the patio door), and knocked on my room door. (How creepy!)

 

Me : What's up?

Him: I got your email. Why did not you ask me before you conclude that wedding invitation was mine? It was just a demo I did for my friend.

Me : Why did you put your name on a demo? Who is the girl on that invitation?

Him : I just innocently put my name on it for a demo purpose. That girl's name is just a random name I chose. You have to trust me after 3 years together. Am I that kind of person?

Me : (start believing him)

Him : I'm kinda disappointed that you did not trust me. Now I recognized that there were a trust issue between us. Sigh. If it was my wedding, I would be happily inform you, not hide it from you. How do you think a bride-to-be would feel if she knows her husband hide about their wedding?

Me : What about date and time on the invitation?

Him : I just randomly pick whatever date and time without even thinking. Just for a demo purpose. By the way, that chapel does not serve wedding ceremony. I have an exam today, but I still came to explain to you because I care about you. I don't want you to think wrongly about me.

Me : Sorry about that. Good luck on your exam.

Him : Listen, I have to constrain myself a lot to not call you those last two weeks. I don't have any other girl, only work with a computer for the whole day. Don't worry about me. Please move on since i don't know when I finish my PhD. Don't waste time for me.

 

Then, he hugged me very tight, kissed on my shouder and my neck, and said good bye.

After he left, I think about the entire conversation and found something was fishy. It was the detail he said the chapel does not serve wedding ceremonies, and he just randomly pick the wedding date and time. I went to the chapel's website and found out the chapel does serve wedding ceremonies, and they only have wedding ceremonies on Sat at 12:30pm or 3pm every week. That are matched perfectly with date and time on the wedding invitation. It can not be a coincidence.

 

The next day I went to the chapel stated on the wedding invitation and asked them if the couple's name, date and time of the wedding is correct. The chapel confirmed that, and even gave me the bride's phone number. I called her and talked to her as if I was his friend. She told me they were in relationship for 7 years, and the wedding will be the end of August(She is also a Christian). I was shocked. I can't believe he dated me and her at the same time, and we did not know about each other. I did not tell her about me and him, so she still does not know that he was cheating.

 

I then wrote him an email as the following :

"Hi Y,
I've just talked to X. Interesting enough, she also has a fiance's name Y who knows her for 7 years, also studying at Z. I also talked to Calvary Chapel, and they confirmed about your wedding.
So no more lies please. The more I found out, the more disgusted I feel. So stop bothering me.
P/S : Don't worry I won't tell X anything about us since I don't care anymore."

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He broke up with me before his wedding so that he will not have an affair after marriage. He is afraid that it's a sin. Do you think he will be faithful with his wife-to-be and never ever cheat on her again?

He said that God is #1 in his life, and non-believers are Satan, but he followed the bible with his own "twist".

1/ He told a lot of lies to hide his true colors, but he thought it's ok to tell lies if it does not hurt anyone.

2/ No sex before marriage. He did everything you can imagine a couple would do in a bed room except intercourse, and he thought that no intercourse = no sin.

3/ No affair after marriage. He broke up with me right before his wedding so that he will not have an affair after getting married.

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Now I see all the red flags which I overlooked during my relationship.

1/ He was always busy even in holidays. He used the excuses that PhD requires a lot of time consuming.

2/ The days we hang out were randomly.

3/ He always found a way for everyone knew that 'this girl is mine'.
He hold my hands everywhere and everytime we went out.
At the beginning of my school quarters, he took me to my classes and waited in front of my classes so that my classmates knew that I had a boyfriend.

4/ He was extremely jealous.
He was jealous with every guys in my classes since I'm Electrical Engineering major so most of my classmates were men. He kept saying that he was sure there were lot of guys like me because I'm beautiful.
He was even jealous with his brother. His brother visited from other country, so I asked him if he took his brother visit some places. I wanted to show that I cared about his family. He then called me around 5 am and told me he had a nightmare and could not go back to sleep. He said his nightmare was that he and his brother was sitting in the same room, but I only talked to his brother. (How crazy!)

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That's pretty awful. I'm sorry you had to find out that way.

 

About the warning signs, yeah, that does sound a little suspicious. A significant other feeling a little posessive isn't so bad, but when they get controlling and pre-emtively jealous that's generally a sign that you're going to have more problems than just that. Like the way he showed up at your house and came in uninvited - if he tries anything like that again, call the cops on him. Especially now that you know his intentions were never honest.

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What a creeeep D:

He sounds like one of those people who'll pick a few Christian laws to follow in their own way (don't cheat after marriage for example) so they can explain to themselves why they're not a shitty person. I don't see any reason why he won't keep stretching those morals too until he can rationalise cheating on his wife. You're lucky you found out so he doesn't come sliming back a few months later hoping to rekindle things and feed you more lies D:

I hope it hasn't knocked your hope of finding a good honest relationship with someone some day!

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This actually sounds a lot like one of the pastors at a former church of mine, who was sending flowers and such to a girl other than his wife, but didn't have set with her. I think he's pastor of another church now.

 

Oh, as someone who is finishing a PhD right now, I can assure you that it's not as time consuming as your ex makes it sound. Sure, there are crunch times, but for the most part I work 8 hours a day, take weekends off, and have time for my girlfriend. That was probably a lie too.

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It probably depends on the PHD and how much of a workaholic they are, I have a friend who practically disappeared because he immersed himself in a pile of science during his. I mean in this bloke's case it was because he was juggling another girlfriend but it's not an unreasonable excuse to believe.

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He broke up with me used his PhD as the excuse, so I don't understand why he showed up at my house and told lies when I found out about his wedding. After telling lies to deny his wedding, he told me to move on and take care of my life.

I just can't understand what his intention for doing that. Is that because he does not want to look bad in my eyes? But what is that for?

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Possibly narcissism - He probably doesn't like people thinking badly of him because then it makes it harder to excuse his behaviour to himself. It makes it harder to go around thinking it's acceptable to have two girlfriends at once and keep them in the dark just as long as you'll pick one for marriage if you know someone's out there who knows the opposite - it ruins the illusion of being a nice guy he's built for himself!

That's just my theory from the type of person he sounds like of course. I'd watch out for his next step maybe vilifying you and trying to make you look like the bad person so he doesn't have to acknowledge he's hurt you.

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@ Apostate : I've just bought a lock for my patio door so that he can not come to my room uninvited again.

 

@ ExXex : Thanks for your explaination. Before reading your post, I had thought that he did that because he did not want me to cut him off permanently.

 

@ Bhim : wow congrats that you finished your PhD. I know he just used his PhD as an excuse.

 

@Josiah : After this happened to me, I'm kinda scare of him because he is not a person I thought. I don't know what he would do to me if I tell his bride-to-be, so I won't tell her anything.

 

On the day I called his bride-to-be, I acted as if I was his friend and did not contact him for a long time. I asked her how long they were in relationship, if she met his family or not, if she likes his mom's cooking, if she went to his brother's house. I even commented that his mom is a good cook. I think she is kinda naive since she answered all my questions. Then I asked her for his phone #, and she said she would text me after work. This was on 06/27.

A few days later (07/01), she texted me 'Hope you got my last msg'. I did not reply to her msg.

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He broke up with me used his PhD as the excuse, so I don't understand why he showed up at my house and told lies when I found out about his wedding. After telling lies to deny his wedding, he told me to move on and take care of my life.

I just can't understand what his intention for doing that. Is that because he does not want to look bad in my eyes? But what is that for?

 

He is a jerk.  I'm sorry that he hurt you so much.  Count yourself lucky.  His new wife is in for a world of hurt living with that guy.  You are the lucky one for getting away from him.  Don't waste your time on people like him.

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lotus85: Your first red flag was when he was upset with YOU because you didn't trust him. He was so

flagrant and cocky in posting the wedding invitation in his own name and claiming it was for "demo"

purposes. Your response to that was what would be expected. Out of billions of possible names in a demo

invitation he picks his own name? Highly unlikely. He owed an apology to you, not the reverse.

What a jerk. Narcissism is a good probable diagnoses as ExXex suggested. He is first and foremost a

manipulator who is a person who gets a perverse kick out of controlling other peoples lives through

deceit. Consider yourself lucky with him out of your life. Good luck to you. bill

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@william7davis : Thanks Bill. I'm very angry at how he strung me for the last 3 years. He always said he loved only me, he would only get married to me. He said if I ever broke up with him, he would stay alone for the rest of his life. Last month, he still said that when he finished his PhD, he would buy everything I want. He also showed me some diamond rings on websites. He said that he prayed so that I would change my mind and became a Christian.

 

Last month, we also had a big fight about religion. He expected me go to the church because I like to do it, not because of him. I said I don't know anyone there, so I would appreciate if he took me to the church. He kept saying I had to go by myself and found Jesus by myself. I was angry for the way he forced his religion on me, so I broke up with him. The next day he apologized and begged me to take him back. After that he treated me nicer. Two weeks ago, he suddently broke up with me and used his PhD excuse, and then I found out about his wedding with another girl.

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You are realllllly lucky to have dodged a bullet here. Imagine if he had married you instead. Probably should let the woman he is marrying know. Its not fair that he is deceiving her to. If she does marry him he will cheat on her after all he had no moral issues with it already considering what he did to you.

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That sounds like a bad movie plot.I am so sorry for you. :(  I  would tell his fiancée to hurt him (REVENGE zDuivel7.gif ) and of course to make her life less miserable.

Have you met any of his friends or family? It is fascinating that he could keep up this lie. I mean you walked around as a couple in public as he probably also did with her. Didn't anyone notice?'

What would have happen if you converted for him?

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I was upset, sad, and angry those last few days. However, I recognized that the more I wondered why this why that, the more I got lock in the circle. The more I was angry, the more I hurted myself. I decided that I will not tell his bride-to-be because I don't want to deal with drama. I will move on with my life and leave my ex and this girl in the past. Close this chapter of my life.

 

Thanks everyone for your advices and encouragements. I really appreciate that.

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...

I will move on with my life and leave my ex and this girl in the past. Close this chapter of my life.

...

 

Excellent choice.

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...

I will move on with my life and leave my ex and this girl in the past. Close this chapter of my life.

...

 

Excellent choice.

 

 

Then again this is a pretty legit choice too:

bitterbreakup.jpg

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Wow, that girl does sound naive to just answer some random person's questions on the phone about her fiance.  If she's been with him for seven years- and you were with him for three-- that leaves four years prior. I'd bet money that you're not the first "other woman" and I'd even bet she's probably been told by some others that they suspected he was cheated (or may have even seen him with a woman that he had some excuse for).  There's no way others couldn't pick up on that type of behavior now after seven years. Some women (and men) just fall so in love they refuse to believe anything bad about the other person. I'd be really shocked if some other woman hadn't already approached her about this issue before now. 

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this, though. That really sucks. 

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Lotus85: The more I hear about this guy the more certain it is in my mind that he is a narcissist,. I understand from a psychologist that those kind of people are almost impossible to help. In other words, they are bad news for life.  Now is a time for you to celebrate. If somehow you had married him, it would be miserable. I am so glad for you that you didn't.  bill

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That sounds like a bad movie plot.I am so sorry for you. sad.png  I  would tell his fiancée to hurt him (REVENGE zDuivel7.gif ) and of course to make her life less miserable.

Have you met any of his friends or family? It is fascinating that he could keep up this lie. I mean you walked around as a couple in public as he probably also did with her. Didn't anyone notice?'

What would have happen if you converted for him?

 

He introduced me to his family and friends right after we dated three years ago. He seemed head over heels in love in the beginning of our relationship. However, after our first break up (4th month of our relationship), he did not take me to his family anymore, and we only met once a week. The reason of our 1st breakup was his tress from studying. I guess he just recently introduced his bride-to-be to his family.

 

I tried to convert to Christian for him, but I couldn't, since I do not like something in the bible.

For example :

1/ Stone a woman for not being a virgin in ancient culture. I think it is so crude. He thinks it is right to do that to prevent sex before marriage.

2/ A good person does not believe in God vs. a bad person believes in God. Who would deserve to go to heaven? He said God is savior, and we need to follow him to go to heaven.

3/ I think homosexual is born that way, and support same sex marriage. He said homosexual is a choice, and oppose same sex marriage.

4/ Do not be unequally yoked with non-believers. This is annoyed me the most.

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Lotus85: The more I hear about this guy the more certain it is in my mind that he is a narcissist,. I understand from a psychologist that those kind of people are almost impossible to help. In other words, they are bad news for life.  Now is a time for you to celebrate. If somehow you had married him, it would be miserable. I am so glad for you that you didn't.  bill

 

On the day he came to my house to deny about the wedding, he even changed date&time&location on their wedding website to prove his point that wedding invitation is just for demo purpose. The next day I went to the chapel and told them I wanted to confirm the wedding date&time because I saw the couple changed it on their wedding website. The chapel officer called the bride-to-be to ask about the changes. After getting caught by me, and his wife-to-be asked him about the changes on their website, he changed back to the actual wedding date&time&location. I wonder if the bride-to-be had doubts about that.

 

Do you think he broke up with me so that he would love his wife-to-be whole heartedly after marriage?

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