Is Something Wrong With Me?

[BlooKazzoo445]

I think I may have a problem. The only way I can see to explain this is in an example:

 

Ok, so me and my family were once in the car just chatting, and my sister said that, to her annoyance, you can't say Indian style anymore, but criss-cross applesauce (Even if it does turn out it's racist...why that name? I mean...really Why do kids have to sit in a certain 'style' at all? Why can't they just sit? ) because everyone wants to be politically correct. My mind went into a frenzy at that moment. At the start I thought, "It doesn't seem racist." Then, it went something like this, "But, what it really IS racist and I'm a horrble person for thinking otherwise? I don't want to be racist! What if I am? Can you be unintentally racist? I don't think you can. But, what if you can and I offend everyone. But....I'm not gonna teach kids, so it doesn't really matter...but, maybe all this stuff should matter to me because I should care if I'm racist or not. But...I don't think my parents and sister are racist...they're nice to everyone, I mean I suppose that's enough. Are is it? Shouldn't I want to help everyone and help society to be a better place and I can't do that if I'm racist. Besides, If I'm unintentally racist, they could be to. But, if things like saying Indian style aren't racist, it's causing problems because it's making people not see bigger issues. Why am I like this? Why don't I know these simple things? Why is the world so sure of itself but I'm not? I could be making a very huge mistake and not even know it..." and on, and on, back and forth to the problem being not a big deal, to it being bad in whatever way. It wouldn't be so bad if these thoughts didn't come back at night and I can't sleep. I just overanalyze myself where nothing I say is right or true and I feel like I never 'own' my thoughts, I suppose you could say. It could be because I have no one to talk to on these issues. My parents aren't really interested into debating things they think are politcally correct or not. But, I do wonder if it's just some OCD problems I need to deal with, because I am slightly OCD and take medicine for it. It not only happens with big issues like this, but also with smaller ones, such as shopping. My mom told me I should be more perceptive when I buy clothes because I honestly don't pay attention when I buy clothes and kinda just go with what my mom tells me is good...I just don't like shopping for clothes. After my mom told me this, whil we were shopping, mind went into a little mini debate basically going back and forth from that clothes aren't really that important and I should be worried about more important things to I must be more perceptive or I may not notice big things and how can I ever get on the world and make things better if I don't even know what to buy at the local Target?

 

I'm just always really concerned my thoughts are wrong...maybe overally so. Oh, and I do have another question. What was with the Zimmerman trail? I know it's aweful, but I wasn't really following it....I don't usually pay attention to court cases...my parents think that Zimmerman was attackted because the kid was on top of him...It doesn't sound like it was about race, from what I've heard. But again, I don't know.

[VacuumFlux]

I'm not sure if that's an OCD issue or a self esteem issue. I ran into a lot of that sort of thinking as I worked through the realization that my view of reality is so different from my parents' that we couldn't really communicate about much. It was like there was no shared reality there at all. That feeling is very disconcerting.

 

It also sound like you're trying to work through what your values are and how to live them out. You may be a little obsessive about it, but that is a normal and important thing to figure out. For me, it helps sometimes if I take the little question that's bothering me and turn it into bigger, more general questions. Like the whole racist thing. You want to be nice to everyone, and that's good. But you don't know always what that entails, and it unrealistic for you to have such an extensive cross-cultural education that you'll always know what would be offensive to whom. That uncertainty is scary. What I've settled for is, when something comes up, try to find out why the offended group is bothered by it (for example, don't just take a white person's word for what/why a Native American/First Nations person would find offensive), which usually gives me quite a good idea of what to do about it. But also, be aware that sometimes you're just not going to know, and you'll accidentally offend someone. Don't feel bad about it, just assure them it was accidental, ask for clarification for the future if you need it, and then don't offend them in the future. I'm sure you won't be the first person they'll have had to explain it to, and they'll be relieved when you don't make a huge deal out of the situation.

 

About clothes shopping - I hate that too! There's nothing wrong with seeing clothes as a functional thing instead of a fashionable thing. Especially if you're using to just going along with suggestions and don't have an idea of how you want to present yourself. Some day you'll have to figure that out on your own, though. Generally, you'll need clothes that work for casual, business, and dressy. You'll want things you feel like yourself in. Some people love to shop and find new outfits and combinations and stuff, while other people just want a convenient set of stuff that works well together so they don't have to think too hard about it. It's a personality thing, not a moral issue.

[florduh]

Welcome.

 

In answer to your question, yes, there is something wrong with all of us!

 

But more specifically, there will always be people looking for an opportunity to be offended and the PC people will drive a normal person crazy. Don't let them get to you; you'll never please everybody. Some, you will never please no matter what.

[BlooKazzoo445]

Haha, you're probably right. I'm just always worried I'm going crazy. I feel like I should already know myself, even though I'm 22 and college is supposed to be about you're idenity and all that. I really do wanna try to find my true self and all that, but I wouldn't know where to start, I've never really gone on any...self reflective journey or anything. My writting was more escapism than self-exploration than anything. Maybe some of it showed my values without knowning, who knows, the point is I guess I've never thought much on my values because as a child I escaped from reality so much (totally seperate from religion, BTW. I just basically decided the world was boring. ), and then afterwards when I accepted the world I live in...I just kinda got lazy and never really thought things through all the time.  have all these books in my Goodreads shelf I wanted to read, but have never read them...some I have, but something seems to come up...maybe I'm lazy or worried to find myself, I don't know. I think that's probably the true issue....I also need to work on not being afraid of accedently offending people, because I do see it's silly since if I didn't mean to then It wasn't to be a jerk so I didn't do anything wrong. With clothes, the main problem is is that I have trouble figuring out what to wear and where...it's silly, but...ya...sometimes I probably make a bigger deal of things than I should. 

[florduh]

With clothes, the main problem is is that I have trouble figuring out what to wear and where...

 

Seems like normal female behavior.

 

(Please, ladies, no hate mail!)

[BlooKazzoo445]

I mean I don't know what's socially approprite to wear at certain occaisons You know, sometimes it seems like men have it so much easier...they never have to worry about what they wear and can burp and fart in puplic  

[Kurari]

I think I may have a problem. The only way I can see to explain this is in an example:

 

Ok, so me and my family were once in the car just chatting, and my sister said that, to her annoyance, you can't say Indian style anymore, but criss-cross applesauce (Even if it does turn out it's racist...why that name? I mean...really Why do kids have to sit in a certain 'style' at all? Why can't they just sit? ) because everyone wants to be politically correct. My mind went into a frenzy at that moment. At the start I thought, "It doesn't seem racist." Then, it went something like this, "But, what it really IS racist and I'm a horrble person for thinking otherwise? I don't want to be racist! What if I am? Can you be unintentally racist? I don't think you can. But, what if you can and I offend everyone. But....I'm not gonna teach kids, so it doesn't really matter...but, maybe all this stuff should matter to me because I should care if I'm racist or not. But...I don't think my parents and sister are racist...they're nice to everyone, I mean I suppose that's enough. Are is it? Shouldn't I want to help everyone and help society to be a better place and I can't do that if I'm racist. Besides, If I'm unintentally racist, they could be to. But, if things like saying Indian style aren't racist, it's causing problems because it's making people not see bigger issues. Why am I like this? Why don't I know these simple things? Why is the world so sure of itself but I'm not? I could be making a very huge mistake and not even know it..." and on, and on, back and forth to the problem being not a big deal, to it being bad in whatever way. It wouldn't be so bad if these thoughts didn't come back at night and I can't sleep. I just overanalyze myself where nothing I say is right or true and I feel like I never 'own' my thoughts, I suppose you could say. It could be because I have no one to talk to on these issues. My parents aren't really interested into debating things they think are politcally correct or not. But, I do wonder if it's just some OCD problems I need to deal with, because I am slightly OCD and take medicine for it. It not only happens with big issues like this, but also with smaller ones, such as shopping. My mom told me I should be more perceptive when I buy clothes because I honestly don't pay attention when I buy clothes and kinda just go with what my mom tells me is good...I just don't like shopping for clothes. After my mom told me this, whil we were shopping, mind went into a little mini debate basically going back and forth from that clothes aren't really that important and I should be worried about more important things to I must be more perceptive or I may not notice big things and how can I ever get on the world and make things better if I don't even know what to buy at the local Target?

 

I'm just always really concerned my thoughts are wrong...maybe overally so. Oh, and I do have another question. What was with the Zimmerman trail? I know it's aweful, but I wasn't really following it....I don't usually pay attention to court cases...my parents think that Zimmerman was attackted because the kid was on top of him...It doesn't sound like it was about race, from what I've heard. But again, I don't know.

 

In my experience, there are two different kinds of racism. There's the racism we're all familiar with -- Where it's from out-and-out hatred or complete belief that the race in question is inferior or sub-human. This is where your KKK and Neo-Nazi's and other hate groups come in. 

 

And then there is what I call "clueless racism" that has no basis in hatred or a desire to separate at all...but you keep up the -ism's thoughtlessly. Like for example, the crows from the Disney movie Dumbo. They aren't bad characters or shown in a negative light at all, but they are racist because they are perpetuating stereotypes that have hurt a lot of people over the years. 

 

So, the answer is yes, you can definitely be unintentionally racist, and in many ways that is a far more insidious form of racism because it's got staying power. 

 

 

To sum up the Zimmerman case, George Zimmerman is a mixed-race half Hispanic man who was doing neighborhood watch for a gated community. He spied a 17-year-old black kid named Trayvon Martin in a hoodie walking at night with his hood up due to the rain and looking around at the houses. He thought this was suspicious, and called the police. 

 

Then Zimmerman got out of his car and started following Martin around. The police dispatcher specifically asked him if he was following Martin, and when Zimmerman said "yeah," they told him :"We don't need you to do that." 

 

That's where it SHOULD have ended, but...

 

Somehow the both of them ended up in confrontation and then a fistfight, and Trayvon was shot in the chest. 

 

Nobody knows exactly who started what from what I can glean. The eyewitness accounts are contradictory. Plus the evidence was bungled with by the authorities. Zimmerman did receive some minor injuries to his nose and head.

 

Trayvon was unarmed and had no record with the police for thefts or violence. All he had in way of police record was basically a pot smoking charge. 

 

This whole thing sparked massive outrage with accusations that it was racially motivated and Martin was targeted as "suspicious" simply for being black and wearing a hoodie.

 

So my opinion is that it's possible the shooting WAS self-defense, but there is still no reason that Trayvon should be dead right now. It's a very sad story. 

[kolaida]

My last relationship was actually WITH an (agnostic) Indian guy (grew up in New Dehli). After we broke up, I was super concerned and rather obsessed with that it might have been because I was racist and didn't KNOW IT and made a total fool of myself. Even though the break up had absolutely nothing to do with that (more of me kind of flipping out because he gave me cash in place of a date one morning after I'd spent the night and we'd done the deed. I felt like a dirty whore and it didn't go over well. I thought he was extremely attractive and loved his skin but especially his abs, LOL! Who cares what color they are?!)  But because of this rather jarring experience I went to more therapy for OCD and anxiety (That was actually the catalyst that led me to this site; another guy/friend who'd I went on one date with shortly after pointed out I probably freaked out because of the ties I still felt towards Christianity- though I still think giving cash to a girl the morning after is just stupid and has NOTHING to do with religion or racism. lol).  It's too bad. I REALLY liked that guy, he's definitely the favorite of the guys I've dated, and I wish I'd met him AFTER my anxiety therapy that I recently completed because I'm in a much better place now and not liable to freak out (though this is a harsh word, I mean, he definitely took part in the relationship falling apart the way it did, it wasn't just me- but I could have been better) or not explain myself. But that's that. What's done is done and gotta look ahead! 

 

But, yeah, if you've already been diagnosed with OCD and taking medication for it, it was probably just a trigger (but I'm not a doctor and this is the internet!). Triggers are common with OCD and you just gotta learn how to deal with them or bring it up at your next appointment. If it makes you feel any better, there seem to be a lot of people with OCD on the site. Or maybe it just stands out to me because of my own experience with it. 

 

Also, wondering about clothes is normal female behavior as pointed out. Besides, you don't want to look too frumpy; just watch an episode or two of What Not To Wear. Your mom probably just wants you looking your best and being aware of how stuff fits your body and what flatters it and what doesn't. It's common in females (and even some males, lol!). Clothes are a good thing to spend some time thinking about-- they are not a good thing to go into debt over, you can buy good clothes and not have to spend a ton of money! Hope you're doing well! 

[wndwalkr99]

Kolaida...giving cash in lieu of a date is pretty fucking weird. You're not wrong to have some weird feelings about that.

[kolaida]

Kolaida...giving cash in lieu of a date is pretty fucking weird. You're not wrong to have some weird feelings about that.

 

Thanks!! And I thought something was wrong with me for several weeks. Man, what I wouldn't give to go back, but oh well. Thank you! 

[florduh]

How much cash?

[kolaida]

How much cash?

 

$24 

[florduh]

Damn.........

[wndwalkr99]

 

How much cash?

 

 

$24

I laughed out loud when I read that. What a random number. I have to wonder if that's what was in his wallet or what he calculated the average date to cost or what. LMAO

[impickle]

I would have slapped the dog shit out of him.  I mean really?  He didn't think that was gonna make you feel like a total prostitute? LOL What a dipshit!  I would have been quite livid, so you are completely justified in feeling the way you did.  Did you ever find out WHY he gave you money?  I mean gosh, just gosh...

[kolaida]

I would have slapped the dog shit out of him.  I mean really?  He didn't think that was gonna make you feel like a total prostitute? LOL What a dipshit!  I would have been quite livid, so you are completely justified in feeling the way you did.  Did you ever find out WHY he gave you money?  I mean gosh, just gosh...

 

Thanks! I do think (well, KNOW now) that I should have been more assertive. I just spent 16 weeks in anxiety therapy with the therapist constantly harping on less passiveness, more assertiveness. 

 

Yeah, he was supposed to use it for a date but he said he wasn't sure when he would get around to it.  We'd agreed he'd take me on a dinner date because I'd had to buy emergency contraception a week before (and he'd never spent more than $20 on a date so it's not like I was expecting something fancy, I'm pretty frugal/poor lol). Really, if he hadn't given the money after I'd spent the night and AS I'm putting my clothes on, it probably wouldn't have been so awful or even bothered me at all, but, you don't do that to girls when they're half naked and still in your bed, telling them you don't know when you can "get around to it."  I was always wondered why he didn't just tell me the night before, but I'm sure I know the answer to that question. I tried to refuse it three times and he wouldn't hear of it. I'd never felt so dirty in my life when I left. 

 

I definitely learned a lot from the experience. I still can't believe it triggered the OCD so badly, I really thought I might be racist for like a whole month and was in total despair over that and losing the relationship. 

 

He really was a good guy, though. It was just a poor decision and timing on his part.  I didn't hear from him for a week and he ignored me so what else was I supposed to think? But I should have stepped back and I should have been more assertive when he gave me the money; I never should have left with it. I jumped to too many conclusions afterwards and lashed out harshly.  We were both at fault, I know that. It doesn't make it suck any less, though. I'm glad I was able to get a handle on the OCD again, go to therapy, and discover this site. I did gain a lot with that $24! LOL 

 

 

Sorry for throwing this off topic!!  It DID trigger OCD badly, though, and I thought that since the relationship didn't work out that I must be racist. Obviously, that's not the case, but OCD plays with you. 

[BlooKazzoo445]

I'm not sure how to to the multipost thing, so I'll just reply to people by writting thier names.

 

Kurari-Thing is, I never thought of the crows from Dumbo of being black sterotypes, it honestly never crossed my mind. I just thought they were funny birds when I was a kid and as a got older assumed that if the characters in  a show are cartoon animals, or supernatural creatures or the like, they can't be racist, because we're not cartoon, talking characters or supernatural creatures. It was more if a cartoon featured people that I might notice any sort of racism. But of course, as a child, I didn't think racism existed anymore. I didn't know many black people, and even if I did...I wasn't very social to begin with. Also, my parents just said I should be nice to everyone unless thier trying to scam you or something of course, so I really did believe that generally most people were pretty nice, so maybe that's why it shocks me to learn that people are still racist. The only thing I knew about racism was the 'n' word and I only heard black people say it...which I never got, why would you use a dergotory term on yourself?

 

Kolaida-I've never heard of guy giving cash to not go on a date, that seems like a pretty jerk move. If he was gonna do that, he should've at least gone up to $100. But, seriously it sorta seems like like a different version of neglectful parents who are all, "No, I can't play with you today...but, have this new bike" to just make themselves feel like thier still being good parents. Hopefully you get a better boyfriend one day. Unless you already have one, of course Luckily, I think I caught my OCD pretty early....the wrost I did was sign up for some drama thing afterschool, then instead of telling my mom about it, I realized the drama thing would go on until after 4:30, so I sorta skipped because I had to brush my teeth before 5:00. I was apparantly convinced that when adults said, "you should brush your teeth 3 times a day," they meant that if you didn't brush your teeth before dinner, you'd get a lot of cavaties. Oddly enough, a lot of mine's seemed to be with brushing my teeth or keeping a certain schedule in the morning. I think I just get paranoid sometimes in a way that has nothing to do with my OCD, I just assume it does.