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Goodbye Jesus

I don't know if I ever believed


scitsofreaky

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My life is full of doubt. Always has been, probably always will (but maybe not, I'm not sure). As a youngin' I went to a baptist church where I learned all those damn songs about how Jesus loves me and Father Abraham's sons. But at around age 12 or so my parents (which means my father since he is the "spiritual leader" of the family) started to not like our church, so they decided to start visiting other churchs. We visited many churches, and spent a couple of years at a newly formed Reform church (which is where I met one of my best friends, who is now an apathetic buddhist), but eventually we returned back to the Baptist church. I always attended youth group and the service and any youth events during the week. Throughout this I did believe but I was pretty skeptical at times. Whenever I had troubles in my life, I looked to God and always either looked so hard for an answer that I found something that just had to be the answer or I explained away any non-answer with the old "God will answer in His own way" bs. But as I grew older, I started losing my faith, as it were, for no apparent reason. I pretty much just stopped believing. This was a bit disconcerning to say the least, most of my friends and all of my family believed, yet here I was not believing. What could I do? I did the only thing a good little christian soldier did, I read my Bible and I pressed on. But what did I find in the Bible? Nothing. I found a book with stories with screwed up morals, and no God.

But I knew that my disbelief was not something I should share with my parents because they wouldn't be any help. Whenever I had problems they would tell me to pray about it and/or preach at me. What good was that going to do me now after 10+ years of unanswered prayers? And besides, I didn't have a very good relationship with my parents anyways, so telling them would have just made my life more of a living hell (the only hell that I care about). So I pressed on and lived a lie. I did this for a few years until I was able to escape, ie, move in with my girlfriend's family who are non-religious. But even then, I did not, and have not told most of my family that I am not a christian, although I'm sure they suspect something is up. I did "come out" to my little sister just a few months ago, but she had already figured it out since I was pretty open with her and I left some obvious clues.

I don't have any intention of telling my parents anything unless they ask me directly, which is not something they seem willing to do. Instead they question my little sister and pretend like nothing is going on when I am around.

But looking back on my life, I often wonder how much I ever really believed. I went to a baptist church for most of my life, and even prayed for Jesus to come into my life (at 8 or so), but I never got baptised, and I even actively avoided it. And now things just keep getting more interesting. My sister married a guy who knows enough about science to seem like he knows what he is talking about, yet he is a YECer. A couple of times I wanted to punch him in the throat because of the shit that he says, but I just kept my mouth shut and my hands in my pockets. Also my grandparents have re-found Jesus and my grandpa is turning into a regular fundy. These days he keeps going off on how "society is trying to take the christ out of christmas," and something about thanksgiving (but I have no idea what he is talking about). Oh well.

I don't consider myself an atheist, but more of a deist. I don't believe that "God" is any sort of being at all, I believe that we are all a manifestation of "God" and we have no identity separate from God (and therefore from none from eachother as well). If you wish to debate this, too bad. I know I have no evidence that could be used in a debate, but that's ok with me, I've experienced what I have experienced.

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Welcome to the forums! It's always good to hear from someone with similar beliefs to my own.

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I'm not actually new, but I haven't put up my eximony since the server change. But thanks just the same.

SoulInCrisis, I have found the support I need here, and I hope you do too. :D

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Hi scitsofreaky,

 

I would agree with you in your beliefs, but still consider myself agnostic because there is no solid refutable evidence at this time. So, I am open to the possibility there is no god, just as I am open to the possibility there a god.

 

I beleive in a collective conciousness/Universe concept that we are all a part of. I think that looking for god outside of yourself is the wrong place to look. It would be with in us.

 

Taph

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