Give It All To God.....

[kolaida]

So, I just found out my supervisor put his two weeks in yesterday. I feel bad as this is one of the ones that has caused a lot of trouble and in my anger and hurt, I have been rather cold towards him and even though I know it's NOT my fault,  I feel like it's kind of my fault he is quitting. But I always thing everything is my fault, I don't know if that's leftover from Christianity or not. This is the guy I also felt extreme physical attraction to. 

 

I called my mom up to tell her how I felt bad and wasn't really sure how to unfeel bad about it. He put his notice in right before he left for a week so it's not like I could even talk to him (if I even would, it's really hard for me to speak with him). Ironically, I might be putting my two weeks in soon, though I'd be the likely candidate to take over his position. Hopefully, I will find out about this other job soon (two interviews and both went well!). 

 

I explained all this to my mother and she kept bringing up God repeatedly and how she hopes I know God is real and we choose whether or not to believe in him (yes, there's that word again; choose). And how she hopes that any disappointments that I've had with her or my father is not the reason I haven't been going to church. How if I just gave this all to God, I wouldn't being feeling bad, etc. 

 

We did end on a good note and I did get some help from her once I steered the conversation away from God. (Like how it's not my fault he treated me crappily and got a cold shoulder in return for it; that's his fault. Hell, she said she'd have done a lot worse if someone had been mean to her like that).  But I've noticed every time I talk to her lately, she brings up God repeatedly and wants to talk about it and religion in general for awhile and I don't really know what to say.  I might see them for the upcoming holidays, I'm not sure. It's been nearly three years since I've seen them. Anyway, not really sure why I'm posting.  Just getting it out there, I guess. 

 

She did keep saying how life will never go right until you give it all to God, etc. But I just can't agree. 

[Eugene39]

My hunch is that your supervisor is attempting to get out while he still has some control of the situation, if he has caused some problems. Who know if they'll even let him finish his two weeks - a lot of businesses wouldn't. Yes, Christianity teaches you to be very sensitive about others feelings, and to an extent that's okay, but it's really quite alright to be cold towards people who cause you problems. You are merely passing back to them what they are giving to you.

 

Yep, God fixes everything. Uh, huh. 

[Pantophobia]

How if I just gave this all to God, I wouldn't being feeling bad, etc. 

 

 

Utter bullshit.

 

That said, kolaida, I'm sorry you're feeling bad, but I hope this is a good chance to move forward. Not to mention get a promotion! 

[RenaissanceWoman]

It's not your fault! If he was in a bad spot, he had to figure it out and move on. I bet there were factors waaaaaay bigger than you that influenced his decision. Maybe you were a tiny little nudge that he needed, so that could mean you were a good force in his life. Or think of it this way... if he was a problem in the workplace, maybe your tiny nudge actually helps your coworkers in the long run, or the business as a whole. In the end, however, it was his decision and his bed that he made, and his choice to move on. No guilt, my friend!

 

There were people at my church who actually blamed me that their beloved pastor left almost two years ago. Wow, I wish I had that kind of power! But no... it was his own shit that made him leave.

 

Yes, things got uncomfortable with him and me, and my requests to meet and fix the problems (abuse, humiliation, unfair treatment, blatant political favoritism) in the music ministry frustrated him. (He had bigger fish to fry, the narcissistic prick, and I was getting in his way and I would not back down, dammit!) But then other people started to notice, and he could no longer deny it. This led to him calling me a "wedge of Satan" to my face in a private meeting, and then five times (yes 5 sermons!) pointing very obviously in my direction and preaching against Satan always starting with the musicians ("they think differently than the rest of us") to "get a wedge in and divide the church." These were thinly veiled sermons directed right at me, and people knew it. Too bad for him I had some fans there who knew what was going on behind the scenes, and they got the gossip mill running. Awkward for him!

 

This is the same pastor who stood in front of the congregation and encouraged us to raise $50,000 in the next two weeks to send 19 people on a mission trip. Somehow, the money got raised. I know he used that shit as bragging rights with the higher-ups in the church architecture. I can just hear him now, praise Jesus. Unfortunately for him, there were plenty of people who were pissed about this. We can't care for the people in the pew next to us; that sort of thing. Plus, he did this sermon on Mother's Day, and talked about dead children. Women were aghast and offended. I actually scolded him for that in person and via email. He was clueless. Unfortunately for me, my husband and I were the only ones with the balls to stand up and ask questions about this mission trip. We were sick to death of all the money talk coming from this guy, all the time for all sorts of reasons, plus we had questions about better uses for our money. (Why not send two people and a huge wad of cash and really make a difference, for example.) Some considered me and my husband heroes, but the pastor and his kool-aid drinking supporters knew they had to find a way to get rid of me. He wanted bragging rights about the money stuff, and I was questioning that. Bad member!

 

As it turns out, there was a lot going on behind the scenes, and that is really more why he left. But everyone saw my more public issues, so I was partly to blame, according to some. Nonsense. For example, he had a big money push to get us to "give 'til it hurts" so we could pay off the mortgage on the addition we had recently built, and we would be blessed for it. We did it. The money came through, and we all celebrated. But then he was trying to convince the leadership that now we can have another big push and expand again, even bigger and better this time! Thankfully one financial professional had the guts to tell the leadership that we can't do that... it's a bad economy, people are suffering, people just gave 'til it hurt (literally for some, I'm sure), and now you want more? No, we should not do that; we should give the members a breather. The pastor was probably peeved -- another roadblock to his bragging rights, dammit. Probably thinking, Why can't I always just push for money to make myself look good?

 

He was also very politically motivated on the national level, and was spending a lot of time and energy on district meetings and such. He was not returning member phone calls for emotional help in times of distress, not doing hospital visits, not taking care of problems like mine in the music ministry, not showing up at hospice the day my husband's father died, for examples. People were starting to notice. He knew he had to get out of there, if he wanted to advance his career and not be bothered by those pesky members and their spiritual problems. Make the elders care for the sheep -- I'm too busy and important for that petty shit. Well, people noticed.

 

Not long after my two public and gossip-worthy issues (Satan in the music ministry, and questioning the mission trip), he announced that he was taking a call to "the largest Lutheran church in the world." Well, yippee for him. Ego ego ego. Some members were devastated -- he was an amazing speaker, for example, I'll give him that. But others shrugged and chalked it up to his narcissism; we aren't good enough for him, not raising enough money fast enough for him, not building his little kingdom the way he wants -- be gone with him. I remember telling people, "He's leaving. There IS a god, thank you Jesus!" And that got plenty of laughs from some of us "battered sheep." The guy was bad news.

 

The church had a year with interim pastors, and now almost two years later, they have a new pastor who is quite the opposite of the previous guy. (So I hear, since I'm out of there.) My former elder (who was very involved in my drama, trying to push against that dreaded pastor with me, to no avail) is still friendly with us, and he told us last week that people are realizing now how bad the previous guy was. Even the head elder, who was behind my "trial" and the nasty letter they sent me, has apparently had the scales falling from his eyes, and is seeing his former BFF (the former pastor) in a new light. (I'm positive he had talked to the former pastor about my trial, and the guy told him to get rid of me. The pastor told him -- which I heard through the elder grapevine -- that 10 people had left the church because of me stirring up shit -- but no mention of the 60 or so who leave every year because of him. Whatever. I think the head elder was upset that his BFF had left, and I was a good enough scapegoat.) Now that the head elder's eyes are opened a bit, I'm not sure what all that means for me, nor do I care, but I am glad to hear that my complaints are now being justified in some small way.

 

Sorry, kolaida, I have gone on and on here. My point is that there are other things going on, and it might seem like it was your fault, but I know it's all HIM. He had other stuff going on in his world that you don't even know about, and those things pushed your guy out. I hope you will all be better for it in the end.

 

If your mom is so dead set on giving it all to God, I can hook her up with my former pastor. He'll be willing to take whatever she has to give, lol, for God, of course, not for his own agenda. (I'm not cynical or bitter or anything, am I? Ha ha!)

 

Take a deep breath, my dear. It's all good.

[florduh]

life will never go right until you give it all to God

 

LOL OUT LOUD!!!!

 

Stop beating yourself up. Good luck with the job situation.

[Lerk]

One thing about jobs: people leave! It's rarely anyone else's fault; they simply have their own reasons.

 

Sounds like you have both a chance at a promotion and a chance at a job with a new company now. Either way, you win. Talk to someone you trust, possibly who is in a management position at a totally different company so they'll have no bias, and maybe they can help you sort it out. It really sounds like you're in a pretty good spot right now.

[Storm]

This concept of giving it to god really threw me for a loop. What does it even mean to give it to god? I have to live the situation, make the decision, choose the path (or whatever the situation calls for). He doesn't do anything. If he makes the decision for me, or even shows me the way he wants me to go, doesn't that mean I am not making a free will choice? I have racked my brain trying to figure out this concept. Its heavy in the addictions field where it is commonplace to hear people trying to rely on their higher power, but the reality of it all is that the people themselves are doing everything, not the higher power. It is a powerful thing to admit that something has defeated you and to realize that you need help to overcome a situation. But when does god ever do that? its always someone else that does the work. In our distorted brains, we manufacture this idea that god must have sent whoever it was to help. That it was god who orchestrated the situation. What a load of crap. That concept sickened me as a Christian and it still sickens me to this day.

[ToHellWithMe]

Has your mom given it all to god? How does her life seem? Is she satisfied and at peace?

[RipVanWinkle]

"Give it all to God." Right. That's who gets your donations alright: god. I wonder who pays the ministers and staff and such? Duh.

 

A friend of mine, a tax lawyer, explained to me that, unlike other charitable organizations, a church doesn't  have IRS auditing requirements. Seems to me that god's ways are not so mysterious after all.   bill

[kolaida]

Thank ALL of you so much!!

 

RW, I REALLY, REALLY appreciated that and that first paragraph made me feel so much better!! And, wow, your church just sounds ridiculous; it makes me mad that you were mistreated and basically used this way!  But I completely know what you mean about more stuff going on behind the scenes. Sometimes I forget about that other stuff and just freak out over what have I done? (which is kind of selfish, I guess) That really did make me feel tons better, though! Thank you! I wish I could give it several rep points!! 

 

 

 

 

life will never go right until you give it all to God

 

LOL OUT LOUD!!!!

 

Stop beating yourself up. Good luck with the job situation.

 

 

Yes, she kept going on about it and kept bringing every conversation back to it and even brought up demons and angels, I was getting so frustrated. Thanks, I will stop beating myself up, another friend keeps telling me this, lol

 

 

One thing about jobs: people leave! It's rarely anyone else's fault; they simply have their own reasons.

Sounds like you have both a chance at a promotion and a chance at a job with a new company now. Either way, you win. Talk to someone you trust, possibly who is in a management position at a totally different company so they'll have no bias, and maybe they can help you sort it out. It really sounds like you're in a pretty good spot right now.

 

Yes, I do have a shot at it and I am excited. I hope I get with the new company but we will see. I don't know about him, apparently he has no other job lined up (supposedly) but is planning to go to school.  I'm guessing he probably has another job and isn't saying or his parents have agreed to pay for everything (and why not? since they had talked about buying him a house-- this is probably the better investment). And I am happy for him if that's the case. Wish my parents would buy me a house or pay for my tuition and rent to complete school.  That's a good point, too-- that I'm in a good spot. I guess I get to stressed out when it seems like multiple or too many changes are happening at once and really, I have to go with the flow. 

 

 

 

This concept of giving it to god really threw me for a loop. What does it even mean to give it to god? I have to live the situation, make the decision, choose the path (or whatever the situation calls for). He doesn't do anything. If he makes the decision for me, or even shows me the way he wants me to go, doesn't that mean I am not making a free will choice? I have racked my brain trying to figure out this concept. Its heavy in the addictions field where it is commonplace to hear people trying to rely on their higher power, but the reality of it all is that the people themselves are doing everything, not the higher power. It is a powerful thing to admit that something has defeated you and to realize that you need help to overcome a situation. But when does god ever do that? its always someone else that does the work. In our distorted brains, we manufacture this idea that god must have sent whoever it was to help. That it was god who orchestrated the situation. What a load of crap. That concept sickened me as a Christian and it still sickens me to this day.

 

 

Yes, this has always confused me, too. I still don't really get and I never truly got it as a Christian. I remember on girl I used to eat out with a lot, she'd say it took her a long time to differentiate between God's will and her mom's will. But, looking back, in my particular case, I feel like I always did what my parents wanted and it was simply attributed to God. I know it's a small scale example of control, but I can see how this kind of control can be elevated to higher levels. Almost like a pyramid scheme.  And it's unfortunate because I don't think my parents even really realize it. she kept saying how she hoped my disappointment in THEM (my parents) wasn't being confused with disappointment in God or she hoped it wasn't driving me away from God. It was odd, the parts of the conversation where God was left out were REALLY good and I REALLY enjoyed talking to her, but she kept bringing up God for long, LONG stretches and those were stressful and made me want to hang up the phone. It was very frustrating. 

[kolaida]

Has your mom given it all to god? How does her life seem? Is she satisfied and at peace?

 

I don't know.  She kept saying she was and she kept saying that he had healed her from drinking. (After she had a surgery for weight loss she became an alcoholic for several years though she's apparently stopped drinking now).  She SAYS that she has given it all to God lately and how much better she feels, etc.  I don't know, though. I feel like my mom was never satisfied at any points in her life; she is married to a good guy, has good kids, has a master's degree, I mean, she has a LOT of really good stuff going for her, but-- in all the time I've known her, I was just always stressed out around her since I was the oldest.  It's aggravating with her, though, like she finally told me how she was the one who pursued my dad but when I was growing up, she always told me to never ask a guy out and that was not the ways things were supposed to be, etc and I don't know. I just find it frustrating that she made sure to do all the worldly things and get it right but then raised us all so strictly with really, really, ridiculous old fashioned beliefs.

 

 

Bill,  I find it really frustrating and rather ridiculous that churches do not have to go through IRS or pay taxes (supposedly because they have no political interest in what's going on, which I think is bs).  I've read that some people even create small churches that front as some other business just so they don't have to pay taxes.  I mean, it's really ridiculous --- and then you go to these churches and they are constantly asking for money and acting like the building is about to fall down when it's not. It's like they have to keep up appearances and seem poor, but you know they're not. I think in all my life, I only ever went to one church where the pastor was actually pretty broke and the church was small-- unfortunately, it was a pastor that had been kicked out of another church for having questionable beliefs in the minds of the elders (like is Job actually an allegory?-- these were Southern Baptist churches, mind you).  All the other churches I've attended, I've known that they are not hurting for money as much as they claim to be. 

[Lerk]

As far as I can tell, "give it to god" is a relatively recent meme, and it means: step 1, pray about the problem; step 2, stop worrying and "trust" that it will turn out okay.

 

I can simplify it. If all I really need to do is to quit worrying because the worst that can happen isn't too bad, the I can start at step 2, quit worrying, and I don't even have to imagine a powerful being to trust.

 

Now, that's often easier said than done, but if a person is actually able to pray about something and quit worrying, then they should realize that there was no need to worry in the first place. Praying is just a mental trick for them.

[ToHellWithMe]

 

Has your mom given it all to god? How does her life seem? Is she satisfied and at peace?

 

I don't know.  She kept saying she was and she kept saying that he had healed her from drinking. (After she had a surgery for weight loss she became an alcoholic for several years though she's apparently stopped drinking now).  She SAYS that she has given it all to God lately and how much better she feels, etc.  I don't know, though. I feel like my mom was never satisfied at any points in her life; she is married to a good guy, has good kids, has a master's degree, I mean, she has a LOT of really good stuff going for her, but-- in all the time I've known her, I was just always stressed out around her since I was the oldest.  It's aggravating with her, though, like she finally told me how she was the one who pursued my dad but when I was growing up, she always told me to never ask a guy out and that was not the ways things were supposed to be, etc and I don't know. I just find it frustrating that she made sure to do all the worldly things and get it right but then raised us all so strictly with really, really, ridiculous old fashioned beliefs.

 

It's sounds like she's the type that talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Hell, and then you pretty much state it directly. From that, it looks like you have what you need to work with her. : )

[kolaida]

 

 

Has your mom given it all to god? How does her life seem? Is she satisfied and at peace?

 

I don't know.  She kept saying she was and she kept saying that he had healed her from drinking. (After she had a surgery for weight loss she became an alcoholic for several years though she's apparently stopped drinking now).  She SAYS that she has given it all to God lately and how much better she feels, etc.  I don't know, though. I feel like my mom was never satisfied at any points in her life; she is married to a good guy, has good kids, has a master's degree, I mean, she has a LOT of really good stuff going for her, but-- in all the time I've known her, I was just always stressed out around her since I was the oldest.  It's aggravating with her, though, like she finally told me how she was the one who pursued my dad but when I was growing up, she always told me to never ask a guy out and that was not the ways things were supposed to be, etc and I don't know. I just find it frustrating that she made sure to do all the worldly things and get it right but then raised us all so strictly with really, really, ridiculous old fashioned beliefs.

 

It's sounds like she's the type that talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Hell, and then you pretty much state it directly. From that, it looks like you have what you need to work with her. : )

 

 

It makes me so mad, though!  She basically lied or told half truths about a lot of stuff to try to make it fit into Christianity.  She was always drilling into my head what I could or couldn't do, she kept having me attend Woman of God bible studies with her and I had to memorize and cite Proverbs 31 multiple times. The whole while I remember being confused because she didn't always match up to that woman.  Like, why didn't she just tell me the truth about stuff while I was growing up? It's like, I don't know. I feel like my mom never really cared about me actually being happy. She just wanted to be able to stand in front of God and say, "Look at these little soldiers I raised for you. Didn't I do a great job?" 

[RipVanWinkle]

Kolaida: Not having to pay taxes is bad enough. But not to have to account to the IRS to show the funds are used for charitable purposes defies all reason. bill

[Lerk]

 

 

 

Has your mom given it all to god? How does her life seem? Is she satisfied and at peace?

 

I don't know. She kept saying she was and she kept saying that he had healed her from drinking. (After she had a surgery for weight loss she became an alcoholic for several years though she's apparently stopped drinking now). She SAYS that she has given it all to God lately and how much better she feels, etc. I don't know, though. I feel like my mom was never satisfied at any points in her life; she is married to a good guy, has good kids, has a master's degree, I mean, she has a LOT of really good stuff going for her, but-- in all the time I've known her, I was just always stressed out around her since I was the oldest. It's aggravating with her, though, like she finally told me how she was the one who pursued my dad but when I was growing up, she always told me to never ask a guy out and that was not the ways things were supposed to be, etc and I don't know. I just find it frustrating that she made sure to do all the worldly things and get it right but then raised us all so strictly with really, really, ridiculous old fashioned beliefs.

It's sounds like she's the type that talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Hell, and then you pretty much state it directly. From that, it looks like you have what you need to work with her. : )

It makes me so mad, though! She basically lied or told half truths about a lot of stuff to try to make it fit into Christianity. She was always drilling into my head what I could or couldn't do, she kept having me attend Woman of God bible studies with her and I had to memorize and cite Proverbs 31 multiple times. The whole while I remember being confused because she didn't always match up to that woman. Like, why didn't she just tell me the truth about stuff while I was growing up? It's like, I don't know. I feel like my mom never really cared about me actually being happy. She just wanted to be able to stand in front of God and say, "Look at these little soldiers I raised for you. Didn't I do a great job?"

 

When she was young, when she pursued your dad, she was simply doing what came naturally to her. It was her way of trying to make sure her life turned out okay.

 

Along the way, her religion made her feel guilty about it, and she made sure to try to pass the "right way" along to you. Sounds like religion really messed up your mom's life in some ways. Maybe it was okay, but she might have been happier pursuing her own dreams in addition to having the husband she instinctively looked for and found. She has a master's degree, but you don't say if she ever did anything with it.

 

I kind of feel sorry for her. But, you know, when we are young we really don't know what we're getting in to. I never made any plans, yet I found myself married at 21. If i dwell on it, I may start to feel sorry for myself, but life is what it is. (Clichè, I know.) There have been many times when I have regretted marrying her, and times when I regretted marrying at all. But I do love her and care about her (32 years down the road), and would never abandon her despite the difficulties of being married to a woman who has been clinically depressed since before I knew her. Some days it's awful! And she's becoming more and more dependent. But then I realize hat, despite all of that, life is actually okay, so why should I feel sorry for myself?

 

Anyway, I can certainly see why she did the things she did. Most of us go through life doing whatever it is that we feel the most pressure to do, whether that pressure is real or imagined.

[kolaida]

 

 

 

 

Has your mom given it all to god? How does her life seem? Is she satisfied and at peace?

I don't know. She kept saying she was and she kept saying that he had healed her from drinking. (After she had a surgery for weight loss she became an alcoholic for several years though she's apparently stopped drinking now). She SAYS that she has given it all to God lately and how much better she feels, etc. I don't know, though. I feel like my mom was never satisfied at any points in her life; she is married to a good guy, has good kids, has a master's degree, I mean, she has a LOT of really good stuff going for her, but-- in all the time I've known her, I was just always stressed out around her since I was the oldest. It's aggravating with her, though, like she finally told me how she was the one who pursued my dad but when I was growing up, she always told me to never ask a guy out and that was not the ways things were supposed to be, etc and I don't know. I just find it frustrating that she made sure to do all the worldly things and get it right but then raised us all so strictly with really, really, ridiculous old fashioned beliefs.

It's sounds like she's the type that talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. Hell, and then you pretty much state it directly. From that, it looks like you have what you need to work with her. : )

It makes me so mad, though! She basically lied or told half truths about a lot of stuff to try to make it fit into Christianity. She was always drilling into my head what I could or couldn't do, she kept having me attend Woman of God bible studies with her and I had to memorize and cite Proverbs 31 multiple times. The whole while I remember being confused because she didn't always match up to that woman. Like, why didn't she just tell me the truth about stuff while I was growing up? It's like, I don't know. I feel like my mom never really cared about me actually being happy. She just wanted to be able to stand in front of God and say, "Look at these little soldiers I raised for you. Didn't I do a great job?"

 

When she was young, when she pursued your dad, she was simply doing what came naturally to her. It was her way of trying to make sure her life turned out okay.

 

Along the way, her religion made her feel guilty about it, and she made sure to try to pass the "right way" along to you. Sounds like religion really messed up your mom's life in some ways. Maybe it was okay, but she might have been happier pursuing her own dreams in addition to having the husband she instinctively looked for and found. She has a master's degree, but you don't say if she ever did anything with it.

 

I kind of feel sorry for her. But, you know, when we are young we really don't know what we're getting in to. I never made any plans, yet I found myself married at 21. If i dwell on it, I may start to feel sorry for myself, but life is what it is. (Clichè, I know.) There have been many times when I have regretted marrying her, and times when I regretted marrying at all. But I do love her and care about her (32 years down the road), and would never abandon her despite the difficulties of being married to a woman who has been clinically depressed since before I knew her. Some days it's awful! And she's becoming more and more dependent. But then I realize hat, despite all of that, life is actually okay, so why should I feel sorry for myself?

 

Anyway, I can certainly see why she did the things she did. Most of us go through life doing whatever it is that we feel the most pressure to do, whether that pressure is real or imagined.

 

 

She teaches with her degree.  It's what she wanted to do, I guess. She originally wanted to be a historian but changed her mind. She went to school because she was bored (being a spouse in the military, it didn't cost her a lot moneywise to go). 

 

I guess that's what frustrates me the most. I had so much religion shoved down my throat, I couldn't do anything that felt natural. I felt like I couldn't even think of guys without sinning. Then when I didn't turn out like her dating and marrying young, she repeatedly insinuated I was a closet lesbian and basically told me she'd disown me if that were the case. And what was REALLY frustrating is I'm not even a lesbian! I have social anxiety (which probably stems from the religion classes-- everyone's watching you and you can change someone's life by being just perfect!). 

 

You are right, though. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself (though I would not describe my life as okay). I just get frustrated with her so easily. I was so patient with her for so long and now I just really don't like dealing with her especially when she brings up all these religious issues. 

 

That is a good point about all of going through life doing things we feel pressured to do, whether it's real or imagined. Huh, never thought on that.