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Open Letter To God


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God,

I am here.

I am broken inside because everything about you that I have come to know in my life has been shattered. I have served you for the vast majority of my life and I tried my best to serve you with all I had. I failed you many times and yet you continued to love me unconditionally. I always spoke to you with sincerity and honesty, sharing what was on my mind and things that I felt that were important for us to talk about. Most of the time, you just listened from afar. I always thought that maybe you were contemplating what to do or what to say, but, now that I look back, you never really did anything. Why? So many of your people encouraged me to have an intimate relationship with you and to not be discouraged by your lack of answers. So I continued to share my heart and my life with you. I cried. I told you everything. I sought you and longed for you. I was moved with anguish over your lack of response. I begged you for answers. I looked for signs of your presence. I did not find it. I wanted so much to share the experience of the Psalmist when he said "In my distress, I called to the Lord, and He answered me"

But you did not.

So, I am here.

Alone.

Without your presence.

Lost.  

Wondering.

Is this passage in Psalm 139 true?

1O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
12     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

 

If this is true, then where are you? Why do you hide from me? I want you in my life and you are not around. Why would I serve you? Why would I continue to seek you when you elude me? Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who does nothing, says nothing, reveals nothing?

Not me.

I gave you some of the best years of my life.

For what?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Now, instead of the joy of serving you, I am left with the fear of the unknown. The fear of who I am now. The fear of who I will become. The fear of living a lie. The rejection of my friends and my family if they find out the truth about how I left you.

Tears.

Hurt.

Arguments.

Questions.

Everything I have known in my life revolved around you. Now that is gone.

I have a blank slate. I have a new life.

And it’s without you.

So, I am off.

To face the world as I have never known it. To find my place. To make my mark.

I am moving on.

Norm

 

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I so desperately wanted to believe, but as the cards stacked up against those beliefs, i couldn't anymore. No matter how hard i tried. And after a lineup of crappy incidents, i was done. Done with religion, done with superstition, done with gods and done with churches. I'd had enough of throwing myself into one-sided relationships.

 

The buybull is full of empty promises and empty threats. And it's all ripped off from older religions' mythologies and legends. Live your life on your terms. You're the author of your life, not some imaginary frenemy. Any god that needs to threaten people in order to get followers and refuses to show itself is not a god that's worth the time of day to worship.

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That is just so, so sad.

 

I remember times I prayed and asked and questioned so earnestly also.  Never getting an answer.  I tried to justify the "no answer" as some type of answer.  

 

I remember a particular, painful time where for months I prayed over a particular thing.  Of course, nothing happened that wouldn't have happened otherwise.  I really did try to put a good spin on the "no answer" thing, but years later when I was older and realized just how cruel it was of "religious" people to have taught us these lies I got very mad.  That particular incident involved a young person's drug addiction, a murder charge, and the subsequent overdose death of the person.  No young people's deaths (both the young addict and his victim) should be glossed over by "religious" people.  Ever.  It's been over 30 years and was a tragedy then and is still a tragedy for the lost lives and potential of two young people and their families.  "No answer" -- fuck that.  All it is is NO ANSWER because nobody was there to listen and we were stupidly taught to talk to the air and wait for . . . nothing.

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Wondering.

Is this passage in Psalm 139 true?

1O Lord, you have examined my heart

    and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

    and when I rest at home.

    You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

    even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

    You place your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

    too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!

    I can never get away from your presence!

 

Beautiful testimony, norm.

 

I think the author of Psalm 139 meant, felt and truly believed what he wrote.  But I'm pretty sure he was not talking about bible-god.  Because the only Spirit I know who is Lord and never escapes me, is my own.

 

The assholes who compiled the buy-bull stole this poem and incorporated it into their evil library so that their followers would think he's referring to the Great Impostor.

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Norm, these gut-wrenching letters that we write to (what we thought) was our powerful god, are the worst thing in the world. It can feel so empty. I did. Before I found EX-c, I was just lost in my own little thoughts that I continually 'cast out' because I knew if I lost my faith - what could possible be my hope? Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful letter today.

 

I'm going to say it again for the thousandth time....stay here with us and post all your concerns. someone is always here to help you. If you can't sleep...sit and write out all your feelings on EX. Nobody on this board will laugh at you. We know what you are feeling inside. Some deconvert very quickly and some more slowly (like myself) but when I ever come on this board....I get the help I need and so will you.

 

Read, read, and read all the back posts in the 'Testimonies' forum. You'll see yourself there a thousand times. Keep comin' back buddy. You're going to be alright. you will peel off layers and finally know who the real you is!! It can be exciting!!

 

Sincerely, Margee

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Hi Norm

That's a beautiful and sad letter. Heartbreaking.

 

In the last few lines I see your strength and fight shining through and I think you are going to be ok.

 

It may take time but you will find yourself again, your real self and as time goes on you'll feel stronger and confident in your newly found independence and any fears you have will fade away.

 

I'm glad you found Ex C.

 

I wish you all the best.

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Hi Norm

 

Your words really resonated with me. I too experienced tremendous gut-wrenching anguish at the silence of "the God who is [supposedly] there". My suffering, and the accompanying silence in my time of greatest need, drove me to the brink of all things. It is a painful place.

 

Good for you for getting up, dusting yourself off, and taking your first steps in self-efficacy. Life on the outside of faith is better than they ever told us it could be while on the inside.

 

It gets way, way, way better, friend. Keep us posted!

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Norm,

That resonated deeply with me too.  I prayed, fasted, read the Bible, tried to force it, quit then went back to it.  It's just not true.  I was tortured because Jesus wanted me to be honest, but being honest meant that I couldn't believe in him.

Today's a new day.  It sucks that we found out late, but so much better than not at all...

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Thanks to all of you for your kind words and your encouragement. This has been an unimagined circumstance to find myself in. I never thought I would ever not be a Christian. But here I am. I enjoy these forums and I am grateful to have a place like this to share what is going on and get feedback and encouragement from people who have been there.

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Hi Norm,

 

So sorry to hear you too had your heart shattered by christianity. It is an incredibly lonely experience as usually there is no one that can relate, and most instead blame and shame, or run. Not anymore, you have us here to express and question all you need to in order to recover from what you have been through. You have a great attitude; that will help you immensely on your journey. Wish you all the best :)

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Hi I am glad you wrote this I have been through the same anguished feelings of calling out to god in anguish and not having a response, year after year after year until you just exhaust yourself.   I hope you don't think this is childish but many times I think of simba from the lion king.  There was a scene in the in the play where he is just screaming out to the sky for his father "father, I feel, so alone, you promised you'd be there whenever I needed you, whenever I call your name you're not anywhere.  I'm trying to hold on, just waiting to hear your voice, one word just a word will do, to end this nightmare."  And then simba starts telling himself that this nightmare is going to end "the sun will rise."  It's traumatic when we're taught of a god that is so accessible and so all powerful and then we have some crisis and there is absolutely nobody to intervene.  I still cry out from my spirit to the great spirit.  I still have dream visions of myself being part of a better world with LESS SUFFERING and helping to make that better world a reality. 

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