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I Just Feel Like I'm Dead Or May As Well Be.


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Get out now.  Forget about the fear of losing your family. I'm here to tell you you can wait until they are ready and they will NEVER be ready. I stuck around til 26 and sorely regret, also had a huge falling out with my parents.  I was extremely good and even today am sometimes surprised at how mean my parents were to me sometimes.  I moved out once I realized my siblings weren't gonna suffer through with me. They were probably thinking, "our sister is dumb as hell." Or "Our sister is amazingly patient, but I'm sure as hell not sticking around."  One sister dropped out of high school two months before graduation and ran away with some guy.  The other finished high school but ran away with some guy a month before graduation. When the first sister did that, I bounced a few months later, youngest sister left a couple years later. Only our brother is still there but he always got along best with them anyway (and I think being the only boy, he has been shown favoritism). 

 

But, anyway, get out. More than likely no matter you do, there will be a falling out. You have to set boundaries. If you don't get out now, it'll happen later and you'll just be upset you didn't start your life sooner.   My mother repeatedly told me I was going to fail and come crawling back to her on my knees and how I'd never make it. It's hard but it's not that hard. You figure out ways to be resourceful. You gotta think what's best for you and just do it. It's sad to have to be selfish in life, but really your parents are being selfish, too.  And you gotta look out for yourself. 

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My dear girl,   I'm down in the Niagara Region... and I know Canadian and Ontario Mental Health, and Health law. Your doctor can not share anything with your mom without your approval, in cases of g

We Are powerless honey when we let others control us. Keep very quiet and make a get-a way plan. Work out all the details..... every last one. Even a letter you might leave your family until you get s

I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.   I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My

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She has not yet read my pm, nor has she been on these forums since Aug. 28. I hope she is okay.

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If you are still on here, Melancoly please listen. Life is dynamic, and you have the freedom to chose your own path. As Captain Planet would say, "The power is yours." You are a sentient being with your own mind, body, and soul.  Only you know what is best for you, no one else can live your life for you. You are not your parent's property; they have no right moral or legal to plan your life for you. What you are feeling now is your very essence of your being telling you that your parents and doctor are wrong. It is clear that you are not happy with your correct life so for your own sake you need to get away. 

 

Please listen to these videos:

 

My favorite quote is at the end, "There is nothing you are supposed to do, only that what you want to do." There is so much more in life than you and I can imagine, and it is never too late to start anew.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R-Z6xDypa8

 

As pointed out in this video you'll meet countless numbers of people. Some will stay with you and some will leave your life, but you'll always leave a part of you in the people you meet as will they with you even if it is only in memory. Even if we may never meet in real life, we now have a connection. I am rooting for as are the others on this site.

 

Take the initiative and find your inner courage to take control of your life; the power lies within you. Your life is too precious to throw away.

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I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.

 

I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My mother is very controlling of me, even though I'm an adult. Typical ultra Conservative Christian. I have Bipolar II and so I have been very easy to "control" and have had trouble starting my own life- so I still live at home. Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

A male friend invited me down to see him in Kitchener, Ontario for the weekend and I was just ecstatic.I really like him and I think we will have a great time. Being an adult, I made my plans and casually told my parents I would be gone for the weekend. They flipped the fuck out and "forbid" me from seeing him. Worse yet? My mother thinks I am hypomanic and wants me to go on more medication...Specifically, Effexor, which in the past made me so depressed I could not get out of bed.

 

Basically, my mother thinks I am a whore. I just want to go see my friend- I don't even plan on sleeping with him (but if it happens, whatever, I'm protected. Also, what business is it of my mother's?). He is a boxer and he wants to show me how to box. I want to have my own life one day, like a normal person...But how am I supposed to be able to do that when I'm not even allowed to make my own plans to see friends at 23 years old? I just feel like killing myself, because I will never be free.

 

My mom wants me to stay in this little town of 1000 people, marry a total legalistic asshole, settle down and have babies. Actually, not even that. She wants me to shut up, have little church friends and never get married. Just be Jesus's bride. I can't live this way anymore. It's not a life. Am I crazy?

 

Move away! :-) Get your own doctor in the new city of your choosing. Get a job. etc etc.

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If you are still reading this Melancholy I just wanted to continue to encourage you to cling to life. Without life there is no hope of a fresh start in life. I too have bipolar and understand just how challenging that is to live with, especially in situations that make you feel trapped. Please do all you can to keep yourself safe, and alive. It may take time, and massive effort but you are worth fighting for.

 

'...my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her...' 

 

This must change immediately. You need to be in treatment but you cannot trust who has a close relationship with your abuser (your mother). It will destroy you. You have been given much great advice above this post. If you fall in a deep hole and cannot keep yourself safe please take yourself, or ask friends you trust, and go to the nearest Emergency Department. The key at the moment is to stay as safe as possible while you make dramatic changes to your life. I sincerely wish you all the best. We are still here for you!

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Hello, everyone. I am here with an update. I am very grateful for your responses. I had no idea people cared so much and I am surprised to see how many answered.

 

I find this so painful to talk about, and that is why I did not come right back. I will work on answering every single reply. This pain is locked so deep inside of me that I can't verbalize it. I have locked it down for many years and just...It just doesn't want to come out. I have been listening to ELO's "Fire on High" a lot recently and I think it really describes how I feel- my confinement and my dreams for freedom.

 

My parents took me to Kitchener, Ontario to see my date.. I do not want to be called his girlfriend yet because I am just not ready for that. He is very, very fond of me. He likes me a lot and was so glad I came. We worked out together, talked a lot...Made love four times (which I am embarrassed to say almost!) I was so happy. His sister is fascinating and likes me. She is calling me Peach because she says I am sweet.

 

My parents said they wanted to take me home at 9pm on the dot. I talked to my friend and his sister and what I was going through. They helped give me the courage to refuse. I said I would not come down. I said I would not come back. My parents backed off, but they were furious.

 

I slept in bed with my friend soundly, cuddling with his dog. The next morning, I went home. My parents were silent. I got home and my mom started to berate me. She said I acted like a baby by not honouring my promises...I had planned to stay Friday night but they absolutely refused and would not listen to me so I see that as not breaking their promise. My mother said I was lucky she did not come up to my friend's apartment and drag me out. She said a lot of other horrible things and twisted my head. I went to my room and thought about death. I wrote my letter and set up my bed. I decided to have a little rehearsal. I took three Ativan. That was 10 in the morning and I woke up the next day at 11. I was dead to the world in that time.

 

I just think about how they tell me to be independant but won't even let me see my friends...How they say I can't make my own decisions and that I am a weak idiot. They don't even know how they talk to me. I think about how my Mom said I needed to act like an adult by "keeping my room clean". I think about how when I didn't want to take my coat to see my friend she told me to " shut up and do as I was told". I feel defeated, but I am secretly making plans to leave and my friend's are helping. They would do everything in their power to not let me have my own life, and I have seen that.

 

Whether I end up with my friend or not, that is okay. I am doing this for myself. I have been driven to suicide three times now because I get so confused and sad and defeated. I have put a resume together and am slowly saving up money. I am trying to decide what city to go to, but I do not know how to get out. I do not know how to say I am leaving. I feel I can't fight them. But my friends know and are behind me. I want to live my own life. My friends always say I have so much potential locked away. I made plans to see my friends Saturday even though I am literally grounded. I just want to be free.

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If you are still reading this Melancholy I just wanted to continue to encourage you to cling to life. Without life there is no hope of a fresh start in life. I too have bipolar and understand just how challenging that is to live with, especially in situations that make you feel trapped. Please do all you can to keep yourself safe, and alive. It may take time, and massive effort but you are worth fighting for.

 

'...my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her...' 

 

This must change immediately. You need to be in treatment but you cannot trust who has a close relationship with your abuser (your mother). It will destroy you. You have been given much great advice above this post. If you fall in a deep hole and cannot keep yourself safe please take yourself, or ask friends you trust, and go to the nearest Emergency Department. The key at the moment is to stay as safe as possible while you make dramatic changes to your life. I sincerely wish you all the best. We are still here for you!

Thank you so much. I am very afraid of what my family would say if I went to ER and I think it would just re-enforce that I am weak. I am really grateful you guys care.

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If you are still on here, Melancoly please listen. Life is dynamic, and you have the freedom to chose your own path. As Captain Planet would say, "The power is yours." You are a sentient being with your own mind, body, and soul.  Only you know what is best for you, no one else can live your life for you. You are not your parent's property; they have no right moral or legal to plan your life for you. What you are feeling now is your very essence of your being telling you that your parents and doctor are wrong. It is clear that you are not happy with your correct life so for your own sake you need to get away. 

 

Please listen to these videos:

 

My favorite quote is at the end, "There is nothing you are supposed to do, only that what you want to do." There is so much more in life than you and I can imagine, and it is never too late to start anew.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4R-Z6xDypa8

 

As pointed out in this video you'll meet countless numbers of people. Some will stay with you and some will leave your life, but you'll always leave a part of you in the people you meet as will they with you even if it is only in memory. Even if we may never meet in real life, we now have a connection. I am rooting for as are the others on this site.

 

Take the initiative and find your inner courage to take control of your life; the power lies within you. Your life is too precious to throw away.

So you don't think I am crazy and that my senses are right? Thank you for the videos I really liked them.

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I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.

 

I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My mother is very controlling of me, even though I'm an adult. Typical ultra Conservative Christian. I have Bipolar II and so I have been very easy to "control" and have had trouble starting my own life- so I still live at home. Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

A male friend invited me down to see him in Kitchener, Ontario for the weekend and I was just ecstatic.I really like him and I think we will have a great time. Being an adult, I made my plans and casually told my parents I would be gone for the weekend. They flipped the fuck out and "forbid" me from seeing him. Worse yet? My mother thinks I am hypomanic and wants me to go on more medication...Specifically, Effexor, which in the past made me so depressed I could not get out of bed.

 

Basically, my mother thinks I am a whore. I just want to go see my friend- I don't even plan on sleeping with him (but if it happens, whatever, I'm protected. Also, what business is it of my mother's?). He is a boxer and he wants to show me how to box. I want to have my own life one day, like a normal person...But how am I supposed to be able to do that when I'm not even allowed to make my own plans to see friends at 23 years old? I just feel like killing myself, because I will never be free.

 

My mom wants me to stay in this little town of 1000 people, marry a total legalistic asshole, settle down and have babies. Actually, not even that. She wants me to shut up, have little church friends and never get married. Just be Jesus's bride. I can't live this way anymore. It's not a life. Am I crazy?

If you are of legal age, why can you not get your own job and get out on your own? I am not Canadian, but I know there is R.S.Martin on here who lives I don't think too far from you in Southern Ontario. She broke away and is a former Old Order Mennonite, practically as conservative as Amish. Her parents were WAY more conservative than your folks. Maybe you should talk with her? She might be able to tell you where to go and legally handle becoming free from your parents in Ontario and dealing with Canadian laws. WOW. Good Luck!

That would be really helpful! Could I message her on here?

Yes...just go look up in the index that lists registered members alphabetically. She is 'R.S.Martin'. There is a PM (personal message) system on this forum board. She may know where to send you for information that will make it easier to know what you must do to break away.

 

She messaged me thank you!

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It's tough having bipolar. Then add a controlling mother, you must be very frustrated. I agree with

Burnedout. Get the hell out of that home as soon as you can. If circumstances prevent you from doing that

now, then create a feasible plan to do that in the future. I don't know the details of your circumtances.

Perhaps you can provide more details about yourself so that people here could possibly give you some

suggestions. A lot of knowledge and experience are at this site. Like have you gone to college, do you

have a degree and if so in what? Do you have siblings with whom you are close, or perhaps cousins?

What is the practicality of living with your boyfriend? (I'm not suggesting it; just asking.) What

limitations does your mental condition place on you with respect to working and other things?

 

This info will possibly get a dialogue going which may help. Hang in there and good luck. bill

 

Yes, I have gone to college. I have a diploma in Office Administration and took several other courses related to that such as Business and other specialty office admin. I have also worked for Canada Post for 5 years on various mail delivery routes and have volunteered at a medical clinic since February... I like working and have had small jobs since I was 13. Now I work for Canada Post on a route as an assistant but it is very little money and I am trying to find a job worth more money.

 

As I am 23 with my G1 I can apply for my lisence at any time and am a nervous driver. I struggle still and of course my Mom grounds me so I do not get a lot of practice...My driving instructor was an absolute bastard and did not help me, so I want to sign up with Young Drivers of Canada when I get more money. Aye yie, when will that be?

 

I am close to my siblings but they are a lot like my parents. My sister is had a baby and is very close to my parents and very close to her faith. We don't have much in common anymore. I used to feel guilty, but not so much anymore. My sister is very nosey and everything I say gets reported back to my parents. I think I annoy my brother. Other than my friends, I do not not have much.

 

My boyfriend and I are not really official. He told me I am everything I want in a girlfriend and that he really, really likes me. He wants to see me grow and he even told me tonight that I am the woman he wants to be with when he settles down. I of course, am not niave enough to believe him or foolish enough to run off with him. But I appreciated his compliment. I am not ready to live with him yet, but he seems quite willing to bring his dog and live with me when our lives are not so much up in the air. He is a uni student and a boxer so it may take a bit. He says he worries that when I get my life on track that a lot of other men will be after me and I will forget him. I told him not to worry and we will see what happens. That I will keep him in my priorities as my special star as I fix my life. But I want to get my life on track for ME. He is be my special, nice, big strong man. I can't say I love him yet, but I am beginning to and hope I will. I hope things work out but if they don't at least I know I did this for me. He really wants me to come to Kitchener/Waterloo and his sister does, too

 

I have Bipolar II which is controllable so far. I struggle working full-time a lot and would like to get some kind of help but my doctor will not sign the disability paper. My friend told me there are nice apartments where all my friends live, in Hamilton, Ontario where I could live at a reduced price on disability. I feel I really do need that disability as...Well, as I said. I tried to commit suicide three times. In depressed moods I have hallucinations and paranoia. It would help. I believe I can live by myself though. It is not so bad that I cannot care for myself and I have people to look out for me. I would be close to my psych. in Hamilton.

 

As I write this out, I see I do have a lot of potential. I am just so frightened and not sure what to do. Whenever I talk to my parents, I get so scared and seized up.

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You must leave. Now.

 

I know there are complications with bipolar, but nothing will ever improve until you move away. Some people don't know how to be proper parents, and they do irreparable harm to their children. It's not your fault, and perhaps it isn't even their fault, but you must get out regardless of immediate consequences. It could literally save your life.

 

Keep us posted when you can, and best of luck to you. You can have full trust in your "Canadian Connection" you found here.

 

I am a cautious person and am trying to prepare but I do not know how long that will last. I may just get thrown out. My friend works for the city of Hamilton and says she can get me help to get set up. I think my bipolar will improve away from them, anxiety wise...When I became an atheist and stopped letting them control me that way I finally had the courage to get off Effexor and I have been so much better.

 

I am preparing a resume and talking to my friends. I am trying to save money. I am working hard to get the courage. You guys have helped. I used to think I was insane...

 

I am afraid but I know it will be hard and I can do it. I want to have "all my ducks in a row" so to speak before I go so I never have to return. I think I will have to fight with my parents to take my chihuahua... That just came from nowhere. I will keep you all updated and thank you for caring. Atheists give a shit about people way more than Christians.

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Having a christian doctor is the worst possible choice for you. Get rid of him, please.

 

I agree...He actually wouldn't let me get a pelvic or gyno exam because sex is a sin,lol. And he lectured me about being sexually active and how I need to be married first. Oh dear. No.

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I'm not sure if I am in the right section, but I kind of need some help and hope. I think many of you have been through what I am going through now.

 

I just don't feel like being alive anymore. My mother is very controlling of me, even though I'm an adult. Typical ultra Conservative Christian. I have Bipolar II and so I have been very easy to "control" and have had trouble starting my own life- so I still live at home. Worse yet, my Doctor is a Christian and good friends with my controlling mother so he often supports her. When I was hallucinating and seeing ghosts and poisoning myself I was told for a long time it was "a spiritual issue" (i.e I don't pray enough) and not a genetic mental health issue.

 

A male friend invited me down to see him in Kitchener, Ontario for the weekend and I was just ecstatic.I really like him and I think we will have a great time. Being an adult, I made my plans and casually told my parents I would be gone for the weekend. They flipped the fuck out and "forbid" me from seeing him. Worse yet? My mother thinks I am hypomanic and wants me to go on more medication...Specifically, Effexor, which in the past made me so depressed I could not get out of bed.

 

Basically, my mother thinks I am a whore. I just want to go see my friend- I don't even plan on sleeping with him (but if it happens, whatever, I'm protected. Also, what business is it of my mother's?). He is a boxer and he wants to show me how to box. I want to have my own life one day, like a normal person...But how am I supposed to be able to do that when I'm not even allowed to make my own plans to see friends at 23 years old? I just feel like killing myself, because I will never be free.

 

My mom wants me to stay in this little town of 1000 people, marry a total legalistic asshole, settle down and have babies. Actually, not even that. She wants me to shut up, have little church friends and never get married. Just be Jesus's bride. I can't live this way anymore. It's not a life. Am I crazy?

 

 

I may have already replied to this if so sorry for a repeat. I have been off a bit.

 

If that is what your mom wants and you don't and you are old enough to flee that one horse town do it and do it fast. Towns like that suck you up and rob you of yourself. I have watched it happen many times having been raised in a town about that size. It had about 1400 people and literally 65 churches... I am not fucking joking at all. There was a sign as you entered town about 15 feet high with all the names of the churches on one side and phone number on the other...It sucked until I could drive and then never came to that crappy place unless I needed to sleep. I moved away a long time ago and thankfully my parents have left that stain and moved to a nicer area so I have zero reason to return.

 

It is literally this simple...

 

your life is in your hands. Take it and hold on tight. Don't let others including your mother hold you back from living that life fully. You as best anyone can prove are not getting another try at this. Don't waste your time. It sounds like you have already made a decision.

 

Oh tell your mom to stuff it on the medication. I promise you don't need it, or want it. You can solve any problem you have without it unless you are chemically imbalanced already. It doesn't sound like you really are based on your post.

 

 

GET OUT NOW. No parents that I know that have adult children that respect them treat their adult child like this including my own overbearing parents. Even they can back off enough to understand that it truly is my life and if they want to see me they have to be respectful just as they expect for themselves in return. If they cannot give you at least that and the freedom they enjoy to try and dominate yours then you should leave them and really not go back unless it is on your terms.

 

GET OUT NOW, I beg you.

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Please listen to RavenStar, because your parents and Dr. Quack do not have your best interest in mind. Your feelings are legitimate and reasonable, because this is not normal or healthy. Your parents are the abnormal ones, and what you are feeling right now is your inner self telling you that this is not right. You do not owe your parents anything, just go and get help.
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Thank you for your pm. I want to respond to a few things in this post.

 

Hello, everyone. I am here with an update. I am very grateful for your responses. I had no idea people cared so much and I am surprised to see how many answered.

 

I find this so painful to talk about, and that is why I did not come right back. I will work on answering every single reply. This pain is locked so deep inside of me that I can't verbalize it. I have locked it down for many years and just...It just doesn't want to come out. I have been listening to ELO's "Fire on High" a lot recently and I think it really describes how I feel- my confinement and my dreams for freedom.

 

My parents took me to Kitchener, Ontario to see my date.. I do not want to be called his girlfriend yet because I am just not ready for that. He is very, very fond of me. He likes me a lot and was so glad I came. We worked out together, talked a lot...Made love four times (which I am embarrassed to say almost!) I was so happy. His sister is fascinating and likes me. She is calling me Peach because she says I am sweet.

 

 

I think you're absolutely right in taking your time. There are far too many stories of women in past generations who married just to get out of intolerable home situations. These days women have so many more options. I also read your other posts. You're right in just being friends and waiting to see where things go. Right now you're figuring out how to re-establish basic relationships with your parents and siblings. In lives like yours and mine that can mean no relationship but it takes figuring out and a lot of serious emotional input on a very deep and very personal level. It's an amputation. It requires so much energy one can't exactly also plan the "rest of one's life" such as a marriage partner or even just boyfriend at the same time.

 

My parents said they wanted to take me home at 9pm on the dot. I talked to my friend and his sister and what I was going through. They helped give me the courage to refuse. I said I would not come down. I said I would not come back. My parents backed off, but they were furious.

 

I slept in bed with my friend soundly, cuddling with his dog.

 

 

This man and his sister sound like really good people to have in your life right now. Right now, they're a way to get you out of your parents' house but he is not an uninterested party. You had good answers for him when he wanted it to be more than friendship. You're not letting him control you with his desire for you to be his girlfriend. That is so endlessly important.

 

You seem like such a strong person, able to stand up to your parents and this guy. Whoever said you were a stupid pushover???

 

The next morning, I went home. My parents were silent. I got home and my mom started to berate me. She said I acted like a baby by not honouring my promises...I had planned to stay Friday night but they absolutely refused and would not listen to me so I see that as not breaking their promise. My mother said I was lucky she did not come up to my friend's apartment and drag me out. She said a lot of other horrible things and twisted my head. I went to my room and thought about death. I wrote my letter and set up my bed. I decided to have a little rehearsal. I took three Ativan. That was 10 in the morning and I woke up the next day at 11. I was dead to the world in that time.

 

I just think about how they tell me to be independant but won't even let me see my friends...How they say I can't make my own decisions and that I am a weak idiot. They don't even know how they talk to me. I think about how my Mom said I needed to act like an adult by "keeping my room clean". I think about how when I didn't want to take my coat to see my friend she told me to " shut up and do as I was told". I feel defeated, but I am secretly making plans to leave and my friend's are helping. They would do everything in their power to not let me have my own life, and I have seen that.

 

 

Your mom wants you to be an adult and she starts by telling you to "do as you are told," and telling you to do kid things like keeping your room clean and wearing a coat when she decides??? Ten-year-olds need that kind of supervision. If she sees you as an adult, she gives you rides to your friends as needed (if her calendar is clear) and lets you decide when you need a ride home. If you're staying with a male friend for the weekend acting as an adult she will not ask personal questions about your adult activities. You might prefer asking your friend to provide these rides, or taking the bus if there is one.

 

On one of these trips, you might decide to pack a few extra things and your dog and not return. To take a dog on the bus you will need a carrier. You can call from a payphone in Kitchener or Toronto or London or wherever you go and leave a message when you know they're all out of the house. Just say you've found a place for yourself and not to worry. You won't be back. Don't leave any forwarding address or telephone number. Use a payphone so they can't trace you. Sure, that could be called running away if a mature adult with no contract to remain where she is can be said to be "running away." It can also be called "moving out."

 

"They" might decide to call it something else than you do, especially if you manage to move out without them noticing, but does that matter?

 

Whether I end up with my friend or not, that is okay. I am doing this for myself. I have been driven to suicide three times now because I get so confused and sad and defeated. I have put a resume together and am slowly saving up money. I am trying to decide what city to go to, but I do not know how to get out. I do not know how to say I am leaving. I feel I can't fight them. But my friends know and are behind me. I want to live my own life. My friends always say I have so much potential locked away. I made plans to see my friends Saturday even though I am literally grounded. I just want to be free.

 

 

I'm confused. In what way are you grounded? Have they locked you in the basement and thrown away the key? Or chained you to a cement wall? Just because they forbid you to walk out of the house doesn't say you can't. Be prepared not to return if you do. It is their house and they have the right not to let you live in it if you leave without their permission (or whatever ridiculous conditions they impose). They have the right to be childish and greedy with their house if they so choose. But they don't own you and they cannot force you to live in their house on their conditions unless you choose to comply.

 

Re what city to go to. I can't help you there. It might depend on what kind of resources you have, your medical needs, etc. For example: Will you need to depend on friends for a place to live? Will you go to a shelter as Ravenstar suggested? Do you have the money to rent a room of your choice near the Post Office where you have part time work? Where can you find the best medical support for your mental health?

 

NOTE: Some social assistance programs require that you have lived in the region six or 12 months prior to applying for help. They don't want people moving in from other places draining resources allotted for their own population. Thus, if you plan to apply for social assistance (e.g. Ontario Works or Ontario Disability Support Program) you might want to move to a big city in your home county/region. I think you said that was Hamilton.

 

Hamilton has some excellent hospitals. If they don't have what you need, they will be able to refer you. If you live in your home county/region, you will still qualify for social assistance even if you have to go to a hospital outside the county for medical treatment. (First you have to be approved on a criteria of many other things. What I mean is, you won't be disqualified just because the hospital sends you to another medical facility.)

 

I hope I haven't totally confused you. Sounds like you have enough money for a taxi to get to a shelter. Ravenstar says a shelter will be able to further direct you. I sure wish you the best, Melencholy. This is seriously rough.

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I've been following your story and I agree with what everyone else says.  You do need to get out of your house and make sure you never, under any circumstances, go back to that doctor again.  Your parents sound twisted and controlling and they have taken away the trust you should have in yourself.  Quit thinking about suicide and think about ways to help yourself.  Don't get overwhelmed.  Take babysteps -- like can you move in with a friend for a week or so just to get out of the house?  A women's shelter?  Spend an hour working on your resume.  Spend some time looking up a reasonable doctor.  Do just one thing a day of that's all you can do, but think, in a week you will have accomplished seven steps to freeing yourself. 

 

You are much too old to be treated the way they are treating you.  Many people are out there living with Bipolar, living alone or with a friend, or a significant other.  Your parents have their own issues in keeping you there and using bipolar as an excuse.  Don't do it to yourself because they've done it to you.  THEY ARE WRONG.

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Hi Melancholy :)

 

I come from a family much like yours. No one wants to think about having a psychopathic parent, but that is what my biological mother is; a psychopath. And she used religion as a means to control, manipulate, and abuse. My sister and I were never meant to have a life of our own, never meant to marry; we were a retirement plan for her, and one that backfired badly. Neither of us talk to her anymore. No-contact is hard, but if no-one else is going to look out for you and fight your battles, then you have to look out for you so you have the strength to fight your battles.

 

I also have bipolar type 2. I've been up, and I've been down. I've had many a day when I've wondered why the fuck I bother. In all honesty, when I'm at my lowest ebb, there's only one thing that keeps me going; pride. Just can't give any motherfucker the satisfaction of getting me out. You can get me down, but you can't get me out.

 

I live on my own. I'll be 28 in a month, and I have been living in my own apartment for the last 3 years. I finally went back to work six months ago, after being out of the workforce for five years. It's not easy, I won't lie to you. But you kind of just work things out as you go along. Some professional support is a good idea as you make the transition to independence- like seeing a psych nurse or case manager once a week, just to check in. Your doctor is unethical. Time to fuck him off. Most doctors are not unethical like that. Make a complaint and put his licence on the line. Start introducing people to the concept of not fucking with you, because you fuck back. There is a system there, use it. It's very cathartic to do so. You're not a christian anymore. You don't have to forgive people for being arseholes to you at the drop of the hat. You don't have to forgive them at all, if you don't want to.

 

But most importantly, I hope you find the strength to stand up and fight for yourself. Because life is pretty fucking awesome when you start doing things on your terms.

 

P.S.- I'm with everyone else who recommended a second opinion on the bipolar. Your reaction to Effexor is atypical for a bipolar person, so it's worth mentioning. not doubting that you may have something going on in the chemistry department, but losing that particular label would sure as hell take away a lot of potential control factors from your parents. As an antidepressant, Effexor tends to send bipolar people sky-high. This is the reason that a lot of bipolar people take mood stabilisers instead. If you were hypomanic, giving you an antidepressant is the last thing they'd normally do- they'd put you on some anti-psychotics as well as your mood stabilisers for a bit. I'm on the anti-psychotics for a bit myself at the moment- the change of seasons is messing with the brain chemistry a bit. It happens.

 

Antidepressants are actually the pathway for many bipolar people getting diagnosed. They go to hospital depressed as all fuck, so they get given antidepressants, and a couple of days later they're sky-high, and the shrinks are like, "ah, so that's what's going on!" Take them off the antidepressants, chuck them on the mood stabilisers, maybe add some anti-psychotics if needed, and Bob's your uncle- brain chemistry settles in a couple of weeks to a month.

 

Just something to think about, maybe look into :) I've been on Effexor. Fuck that shit, hey. I went wild for four months. Drank every day. Got my first tattoo. Got my nose pierced. Moved 500km north, moved 500km south. Got a cat. Got another cat. Got another cat. Bought a car. Crashed two cars. Pissed off for a road trip and went SHOPPING! I blew $40,000. Bipolar and antidepressants. Just don't mix, hey.

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I sent Melancholy a pm with this link but it occurs to me that it might also be relevant to others who live in Ontario. Some other jurisdictions seem to have a similar service. In my research today I found the Ontario Mental Health Helpline. http://www.mentalhea...ca/Home/Contact

 

It's free, and available 24/7. One can call, email, or chat. If one is in a desperate abusive situation, the person from the Helpline can be on the line and walk you through the steps of how to get out and where to go, based on your personal situation of the moment, even if it keeps changing as you talk. Or in just an ordinary mental health crisis even if you're not trying to get out of the house they can help, too. 

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How are you going today Melancholy? Just checking in to see if you are still managing ok. 

 

Many of the posts above gave some really good advice. I would have to agree with Blackpudd about the Effexor. You did say in a previous post that you were better off it, why was that? Blackpudd had a severe reaction to Effexor (my god, i'm sorry you had to go through that BP) but there are other types of problems they cause for people with Bipolar.

 

I am Bipolar l rapid cycling with mixed features and was on Effexor for some time before being diagnosed. It certainly didn't help my depression but I was only hypomanic for several days then I began slipping in and out of mixed states (manic and depressed at the same time). The doctors thought my crazed, suicidal, delusional behaviour was from PTSD, and perhaps some of it was, but it was when I came off the anti-depressant once my PTSD had calmed down that it became obvious I had bipolar as I was reacting to nothing when my moods switched from hypomania to severe agitated depression(mixed) or dysphoric mania. It is a monster of an illness and has a better prognosis the earlier you get proper treatment. I am 37 and only juts beginning to get treated for the bipolar i have most likely had since my teens. The bipolar is being stubborn and difficult for the doctors to get it under control (in the two months since diagnosis). Sorry to go on about this but having the bipolar undiagnosed for 20 years has cost me a great deal of unnecessary suffering. Being christian masked it, and convinced me I didn't need treatment, or provided poor unskilled treatment that made me worse so by the time I saw (non-religiously led) professionals I was such a mess it was difficult for them to get a clear picture of what was going on.

 

I just thought it might be helpful for you to see that bipolar can cause many different reactions to anti-depressants but they are sure going to cause a reaction unless a mood stabilizer is also on board (even then it can be tricky). Once you get the chance to be assessed by a competent doctor hopefully the picture will become clearer and you will begin receiving the appropriate treatment. You sound like a very strong, capable woman and I wish you the best.

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Melancholy, I work in medicine. I'm flabbergasted that a doctor is wilfully breaking privacy laws that should be very well known to him, and I started to wonder if he really is a licensed doctor.

 

Please look up the doctor's name here:

 

http://www.cpso.on.ca/docsearch/default.aspx?id=2048

 

You can narrow down the search by selecting your town as well. If there's no current listing for your doctor, please consider filing a report with the Ontario College of Physicians and Surgeons. If this man is prescribing psychiatric medications he needs to be a Medical Doctor.

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Good idea Astreja, I didn't want to stress that... but if that was my doctor I'd have him in court so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. GP's rarely know enough to prescribe mental health medication unless they are very, very good... diagnoses of bipolar isn't always easy, and there could be mistakes. They almost diagnosed me as bipolar, and I'm not.. I'm ADD with chronic low grade depression and an anxiety disorder. Having a good doc is key with any mental health issue.

 

Completely different meds needed. Psych meds aren't toys. Some can be dangerous if given to the wrong people..especially younger people.

 

Sometime it's environmental... some people (family members) make me nuts, and trigger my anxiety and depression to the point where I have to avoid them to maintain my balance. Funny, I need less meds when I do that.

 

Melancholy... more hugs and best wishes. You have support here, and elsewhere  :)

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Ravenstar: I agree with you that GP's should not prescribe mental health drugs, but to my surprise, my

daughter, who recently received her license as a "physicians assistant", got her first job in a

psychiatrist's office. She was immediately assigned to intake and within a couple of weeks or so was

assigned the task of deciding upon the medication patients were to receive. The psychiatrist never saw

the patients. My daughter's decisions were just rubber stamped. I'm talking about lithium,

anti-depressants, etc., which are required by law to be prescribed by a physician. Much to my relief and hers she quit that job and has secured another, better position. Scary, isn't it? bill

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Ravenstar: I agree with you that GP's should not prescribe mental health drugs, but to my surprise, my

daughter, who recently received her license as a "physicians assistant", got her first job in a

psychiatrist's office. She was immediately assigned to intake and within a couple of weeks or so was

assigned the task of deciding upon the medication patients were to receive. The psychiatrist never saw

the patients. My daughter's decisions were just rubber stamped. I'm talking about lithium,

anti-depressants, etc., which are required by law to be prescribed by a physician. Much to my relief and hers she quit that job and has secured another, better position. Scary, isn't it? bill

 

Is it even legal what that psychiatrist is doing by assigning his assistant to do this? Shouldn't he be reported?

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