noob Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 My life has been a little out of control for the last several months and I have not been around the forums very much. I don't have the time or the energy to cover all of the details right now but for some reason I feel the urge to let you know that I'm still here. So, what's been going on in my life? Well, my husband, that I haven't lived with since 2006, is dying. We didn't really have a relationship for a few years but since he has discovered that he is dying things have changed and it seems like he wants me to be a part of his life. My younger sister is dying. I wore myself out trying to take care of her for many years and now her liver is failing. My nephew, that I raised and loved like a son is in very bad shape and seems to be at the point where he will either die or end up in prison. I've spent years loving these people and giving everything I had to ensure that they had what they needed and that they would be okay. I don't know why and I don't know when, but at some point I gave up. However, each of them, in their own way is impacting me right now and taking a toll on my life. The odd part of this is that even though I am concerned and involved to a small extent in their illnesses and lives, I still feel strangely detached and peaceful. I suspect this is because I have a very wise friend that I turn to for advice and direction. But, I also think that I have come to grips with the fact that we are each responsible for our own lives and that this is indeed the only life that we have! I can't fix what they have broken in their lives. All I can do is live my life to the best of my ability and support them in ways that will not be damaging to me. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Wow. That is so much. Don't let them overwhelm you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoddessOfWisdom Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 My heart goes out to you. Ultimately, all you have for sure is your humanity. Kudos for using it well and wisely. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Sorry to hear all that Noob. Glad you have some sense of peace at the moment. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 Thanks to all of you for the kind words of support! Burnedout, I woke up this morning and thought, "Uh,oh. I wonder what I typed last night?" You see, I was under the influence of a little too much wine which is probably why I got on here and spilled my guts. I guess drunk typing is a lot safer than drunk dialing! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Noob, sorry to hear about the situation but glad that you have also found some peace and detachment. I also know all about the wine! Glad you have good friends to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted September 7, 2013 Moderator Share Posted September 7, 2013 I can't fix what they have broken in their lives. All I can do is live my life to the best of my ability and support them in ways that will not be damaging to me. This Noobie.^ I hear ya....every word. I'm here for you...you know that. You're support has meant everything to me. I know how hard all of this is. Dealing with other people's shit. It's so hard especially when it is family members. I am here for you. *hug* I'll be in touch..... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted September 7, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted September 7, 2013 I have come to grips with the fact that we are each responsible for our own lives and that this is indeed the only life that we have! I can't fix what they have broken in their lives. All I can do is live my life to the best of my ability and support them in ways that will not be damaging to me. Those are some powerful words! I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted September 7, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted September 7, 2013 I think the tequila idea from BO was a good one. We all have issues. Just focus on YOUR life - it's pretty good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderinstar Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 So sorry to hear about all the grief you are being hit with but i am glad you have a good friend. I have no advice for you, just wanted to say you have a lot of support here so keep posting if it helps. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 I think the tequila idea from BO was a good one. We all have issues. Just focus on YOUR life - it's pretty good! YOU have issues??? No way! By the way, I know why you like the tequila idea!!! It's that clothing thing, isn't it? Thanks again for all of the support. I appreciate each and every one of you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 Noob, so sorry for your troubles. I am sure those issues can take their toll. Best to you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted September 7, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted September 7, 2013 I think the tequila idea from BO was a good one. We all have issues. Just focus on YOUR life - it's pretty good! YOU have issues??? No way! By the way, I know why you like the tequila idea!!! It's that clothing thing, isn't it? Thanks again for all of the support. I appreciate each and every one of you! I had to post this.... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted September 7, 2013 Author Share Posted September 7, 2013 Thanks, Buffettphan! I love it!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RipVanWinkle Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 "But, I also think that I have come to grips with the fact that we are each responsible for our own lives and that this is indeed the only life that we have! I can't fix what they have broken in their lives. All I can do is live my life to the best of my ability and support them in ways that will not be damaging to me." You have an awful lot on your plate, to say the least. But you know the best approach which is covered in the above quote. Just keep those thoughts foremost in your mind. AS you well know, we all have to go through our last illness if we aren't lucky enough to have a sudden death. At least that knowledge helps keep things in perspective. Every human is in the same position with regard to death. Thus it is fruitless to burn ourselves out(as you said)on things we can't change. My heart is to you. bill 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted September 8, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted September 8, 2013 Thanks, Buffettphan! I love it!!! I love it too! Glad it made you laugh!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted September 8, 2013 Share Posted September 8, 2013 Hi Noob, I've done drunk typing more than once and it is very cathartic! You do have a lot going on and you're right about supporting people while not letting their problems damage you. I'm really glad you have a friend to talk to. My dad had a saying, "You can't save every sick puppy on the side of the road." Nor do you have to let yourself get run over while trying to save a sick puppy. Keep posting if it helps, and keep drinking if it helps! And don't forget to take care of yourself first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gall Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 My life has been a little out of control for the last several months and I have not been around the forums very much. I don't have the time or the energy to cover all of the details right now but for some reason I feel the urge to let you know that I'm still here. So, what's been going on in my life? Well, my husband, that I haven't lived with since 2006, is dying. We didn't really have a relationship for a few years but since he has discovered that he is dying things have changed and it seems like he wants me to be a part of his life. My younger sister is dying. I wore myself out trying to take care of her for many years and now her liver is failing. My nephew, that I raised and loved like a son is in very bad shape and seems to be at the point where he will either die or end up in prison. I've spent years loving these people and giving everything I had to ensure that they had what they needed and that they would be okay. I don't know why and I don't know when, but at some point I gave up. However, each of them, in their own way is impacting me right now and taking a toll on my life. The odd part of this is that even though I am concerned and involved to a small extent in their illnesses and lives, I still feel strangely detached and peaceful. I suspect this is because I have a very wise friend that I turn to for advice and direction. But, I also think that I have come to grips with the fact that we are each responsible for our own lives and that this is indeed the only life that we have! I can't fix what they have broken in their lives. All I can do is live my life to the best of my ability and support them in ways that will not be damaging to me. you got it right !!!!!! We are only responsible for our own life ever. We can make the choice to take on other people and it sounds like you have and that is totally ok to as long as those others realize that it is a gift you are giving them and not an obligation. Sounds like a lot of death around you right now. Find ways to celebrate life both alone and with those that are leaving us soon. Give them as much life as you can in the time they have left if you choose. It is hard to take care of others and you are a worthy human for doing so. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noob Posted September 9, 2013 Author Share Posted September 9, 2013 Thanks again for all of the support! This weekend was pretty calm compared to last weekend and I'm handling the family drama pretty well. I am very, very lucky to have a supportive group of friends that help keep me sane. My family has always been a bit challenging and I learned the hard way several years ago that it was not humanly possible to take care of all of them. There is never enough time, energy, and money to fix all of the problems that they bring upon themselves so I had to establish boundaries and start making myself a priority. That doesn't mean that I don't help when I can but I do have to draw the line when it starts affecting my well-being. I don't know how I will handle the actual deaths when the time comes. Oddly enough, while some people cannot stand the thought of no afterlife, I find it very comforting. I guess when I believed, I was always afraid that I wouldn't be good enough to make it to heaven and I was afraid of hell. I was also afraid for my family members. Unfortunately, some of them have created their own hell and death is going to be an escape. I believe I will actually feel some sense of relief when they die and it makes me feel a little guilty to admit that. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted September 9, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted September 9, 2013 Don't feel guilty for making a logical conclusion. Your chosen family is here for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted September 10, 2013 Moderator Share Posted September 10, 2013 noob, I think each stage we all go through have there own sets of victories and defeats. It must be part of life I guess. I remember good and bad times during every decade I lived through. This one now in the 'fifties decade' has it's own good times and defeats. I think sometimes the older we get, the more tired we are and the more we have to let people take care of themselves to a certain degree or we live in ' burnout.' You know that's where I've been the last couple of years. Age does bring a little wisdom. We need to have some fun in between all the 'growing older stuff' like people getting sick, etc.... We all have to get older and face the end. Some sooner than others. It's too bad we all didn't understand all the choices we made when we were young... that they may have some consequences, eh? All of us dumb, animal human beings!! Lol You give yourself lots of rest. I know the love you have in your heart. Rest good, play some and you'll make it through supporting these loved ones..I just know it hon! And we'll be right here for you to support you!! love you!! *Hug* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 ... detached and peaceful. Oh yeah, I must emphasize this. Peace is found in detachment from other people's shit. If you don't learn to do it consciously, life will show you how to do it by making you so sick, you'll be forced to detach anyway. Happy detachment noob! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I'm glad you feel detached and peaceful. Like you said, we can only be responsible for our own lives. You can be supporting but not to the point it is damaging to you. Still, that is a lot and sounds like it can get overwhelming. Hang on tight and know we are here for you and you will make it through!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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