Where's The Meaning, Where's The Beef?

[kolaida]

Live in the moment. It's frustrating and it IS hard, but don't hold onto those past regrets like building a house instead of using it for daughter's college. Just accept the past and move past it. Live for today.  It's hard especially since no church I ever went to taught me to live in the moment, but that is key. Can't focus on the past too much or the future too much. Go on a couple dates, sign up on line or look into a nearby city. And just keep forward thinking. 

 

Therapy is not a bad idea, either. If you live near a university, sometimes they offer it for free, but it can be a month or two wait. Learning how to correct thinking that you weren't aware of is key, too.  It helped me immensely with both depression and anxiety. 

[RankStranger]

I can't tell that there really is any meaning- and I don't necessarily need there to be one.  Best I can tell, we end up here... we do whatever the fuck we do... and we die.   

 

I try to make my time here bearable.  Even enjoyable or worthwhile when I can.  But when I can't... I don't see why it really matters all that much.  In a hundred years nobody will know the difference.

[JamesG]

 

help others

 

seriously, when all else fails find people to help and get outside of yourself... do something that makes other's lives a little more bearable. Or animals... 

 

Get involved in something bigger than yourself.. there's a thousand and one ways to do this. Find one that means something to you.

I've served for years, helped elderly women, mowed grass,  It doesn't get you much other than the occasional thank you and a little personal satisfaction.  Currently I am working, i.e. "serving" to pay the portion of my eldest daughter's tuition that my wife is about to default on to the tune of 4K.while she simultaneously bitches about me not moving far enough away.  Pay your portion sweetheart and there will be plenty of money for me to move. 

 

But my mother suggested the same thing R. 

 

I guess the problem is I feel trapped in this disgusting little town with no social outlets waiting for my son to grow up so he doesn't feel like I abandoned him.  He is seven currently.

 

So yeah, he told me he has been waiting "all year" to go bird hunting.  He doesn't hunt, he runs around with a friend's little boys throwing rocks in the water, shooting cactus with their BB guns.  I asked her if I could take him on a non-visitation day as the other little boys couldn't go on his scheduled visitation day.  After a year of "divorce", do you think she could side on what would be fun for my son?  No, she said no, we could go on a scheduled visitation day. 

 

So she can't support her children's education, won't support their fun, and wanted me to build her a house instead of sending our daughter to college.  And because I DO do all of those things, I am stuck in this town subjected to her hate-filled dagger throwing self.  Meanwhile she sponges off her parents through the dysfunction of her mother who has money and gladly wants to be the mother of my children because she couldn't let her own go nor teach them responsibility.

 

Send me a bill for the therapy session...

 

 

honestly you need a break .

 

can you take leave your lab for a significant amount of time?

[duderonomy]

Can't seem to find meaning these days.  Stupid shit on TV.  Marking time at home, Marking time at work.  Theoretically many years before death.  What the hell, what's the meaning? 

 

Where's the beef? damn it.

 

If you could choose the meaning of life end3, what would it be?

 

Would it be just one thing?

[Guest end3]

 

Can't seem to find meaning these days.  Stupid shit on TV.  Marking time at home, Marking time at work.  Theoretically many years before death.  What the hell, what's the meaning? 

 

Where's the beef? damn it.

 

If you could choose the meaning of life end3, what would it be?

 

Would it be just one thing?

 

I think my meaning is derived through my experience as a child.....specifically, the residual that I "missed".  Don't get me wrong, we were never hungry nor were never without shelter.  So to answer your question, My children are my meaning, Provision and happiness for them without giving them too much.

[RipVanWinkle]

Richard Carlin in one of his comedy routines, the "it's all bullshit" one hit the nail on the head. He's right: almost everything is bullshit. You can't name a business, government or institution in which some

one isn't coning someone else, if not everybody else. So what do we do? Reduce our self

to despair?

No, we have to find or create our own meaning for our lives. There is no "right" answer. Remember

Curly's line in "City Slickers" in which he said that life is about one thing. What? He

said that that's what you must find out.

 

Sometimes we get a pearl of wisdom from where you would least expect it. But Curly's lineis true.

The answer is not "blowing in the wind"; it's in your head. bill

[Margee]

Ed... Can I please ask you if you are involved in a church? Or are you a loner Christian? Do you have any good Christians friends that you can turn to for support? I would think it would be good to have a really good friend to .....hang out with? Do you have supportive co workers?   Is there a support group you could join on-line? I have noticed many on-line groups for this situation of divorce on the internet. It may show you what others are going through? You need a couple of good real life friends and internet friends when you feel lost and lonely. Do you have this kind of support?

 

Sincerely,

Donna

*hug*

[Margee]

Ed... These are the top 5 'on line' support groups for those who are having a hard time with divorce that are rated pretty good. One is for men only......

 

Why not give a try and see what happens? You may meet some real nice people? People need people when we are in pain. They'd probably love to have you!!

 

http://www.ask.com/explore/top-five-online-divorce-support-groups

[sdelsolray]

 

 

Can't seem to find meaning these days.  Stupid shit on TV.  Marking time at home, Marking time at work.  Theoretically many years before death.  What the hell, what's the meaning? 

 

Where's the beef? damn it.

 

If you could choose the meaning of life end3, what would it be?

 

Would it be just one thing?

 

I think my meaning is derived through my experience as a child.....specifically, the residual that I "missed".  Don't get me wrong, we were never hungry nor were never without shelter.  So to answer your question, My children are my meaning, Provision and happiness for them without giving them too much.

 

Perhaps you should have more children.  Would that give you more "meaning" to your life?

[amateur]

I was in a similar situation after my divorce.  I felt extremely stuck, and was very depressed and felt like I was in a box I couldn't break out of.  Of course I adore my children (the younger was 8 at the time of divorce) but I have to admit (which I tried to never admit to anyone at the time) that I felt really resentful of having my life put on hold because I'd have to wait ten more years til they were both grown.  Not like I couldn't do anything, I did do things, but the depression/resentment around the whole divorce was going to be in my face for those ten years.  It's hard to explain it all clearly now, it's been long enough for me that it's mainly passed, and it's not memories I like to dredge up.  But what you wrote sounds very much what I would have written five to ten years ago.  It all seemed so . . . flippin' . . . endless.

 

And I definitely understand that feeling of "everything is just BLAH."  I did stuff but just walked through it without real emotion.

 

I did have a couple friends I could talk to/email and that did help while I was talking or emailing.

 

I did have sex and I always felt good while having sex.

 

Avoid tv.

 

I have no advice.  I "BLAH"ed my way through those years.  It was very hard, very unpleasant.  I didn't learn any great lessons from it.  I survived it, but that's it.

 

Oh, the only thing I would advise is to not abandon your childen, no matter what.  Keep doing what you're doing, even if it feels like nothing.  In the end, it will be something for them, and hopefully you can always have a good relationship with them as adults, and hopefully your being a good dad will keep them out of therapy.

 

My youngest is now 19 and my kids are both now my friends and we really like each other.  Now that I've survived those ten years, I'd say my life is still hard financially (I work 7 days a week with two patched-together jobs, my new husband works 6 days a week, and that just pays the bills), I've given up hope or desire of any type of career (going back for schooling while working 7 days a week sounds like a really exhausting idea), but I try not to compare my life to other's lives and if I don't I find I really enjoy my life again.  I do feel things again and take enjoyent from things, maybe not like I used to when I was younger, but it's definitely still there and the BLAH is gone except when my menopausal hormones take over then it tends to come rushing back, but I can understand it as the hormones now.

 

But it IS hard; it's a hard, frustrating, depressing, seemingly endless time.  I'm sending you a hug through here.

[Margee]

 I "BLAH"ed my way through those years.  It was very hard, very unpleasant.  I didn't learn any great lessons from it.  I survived it, but that's it.

 

 

 

 

I think this post is wonderful and so honest. I relate to all of it amateur. Been there-done that. Thank you sweetie.

 

The greatest lesson I leaned from all of the shit I went through is not to be 'powerless'. I wish I hadn't of let the depression get to me now. That would be my words for End today. Take back your power and go create a different life for yourself, something to look forward to as you take care of the responsibilities that must not be neglected. This is nothing worse than feeling powerless!!!! Do something - anything Ed, that makes you feel powerful again and do what you have to do to get out of victim mode as quickly as you can. 

 

Do I feel compassion for this issue you are going through? You bet your sweet ass I do.....but if I had to re-live mine all over again, I would NEVER let others have so much power over me. Don't waste years in depression...nobody is worth that much, I don't care who it is.  Get some kind of life going for yourself. Sorry, this might be a kick in the ass today. It's because I care.

[Guest end3]

Thank y'all for the notes and encouragement.  Thankfully I have good relationships with my children atm.

 

I work so much Donna, I don't really have much free time.  The church I attended I no longer attend because my ex wife goes there along with her parents.  I am still good friends with her father, but her mother gives me the laser eyes when I see her.  I basically quit attending because it was uncomfortable on everyone and made the decision to quit going so it would be less stress on the children.  So no, I don't go nor have gone to any other church in town because it's just too small a town. 

 

My "old" friends all live in a town about an hours drive from my town so I don't see them that often.  Mainly, I do my day job, then go home and work at my business till 9 or 10 pm., go to bed and get up and do it again the next day.

 

Basically, I have a somewhat "successful" life just without a spouse. 

 

And I guess marriage had meaning for me.  I enjoyed my life enough  where I never questioned "meaning".  Family WAS enough meaning that I was content to participate without needing meaning....if that makes sense.

 

I would enjoy another person in my life, but have a hard time visualizing that person because my mind sees women atm as just wanting "stuff" rather than being a partner.  I realize there are good women out there, just it is what my mind thinks right now. 

 

Edit:  We moved to that small town intentionally to live in the country and raise our children with those values.  Now that we are separate, a small town is not conducive to matchmaking.  So  it's like finishing the task of raising the children and not having any other life because of the isolation.....and not knowing how to realistically change that without effecting the children.  I would rather "suffer" than to let them "suffer" no dad.  That's why I feel trapped. 

 

And I am kind of enjoying my stuff being where I left it when I get home each day.   In other words, when you live alone, a naturally compulsive person is probably more comfortable because they have "control" of their environment.  So sometimes I question my compulsiveness.

[amateur]

One useful thing I learned in a Divorce Care Class was that it takes one year of recovery for every four years of a long-term marriage with children.  That came to close to 4 years of recovery for me, and that's about how long it did take to recover.  There's a lot of grieving to go through -- the death of the marriage and the goals and dreams of the marriage, the death of family (both children and extended family that you lose).  As you recover, it changes from "death" to "change."  You're still a dad, but it IS different after divorce.  Any goals and dreams you had as a married couple are now dead, but with time you'll come up with new goals and dreams of your own.  None of that can be rushed and it's good to mourn and grieve what you did lose (and no matter how bad or not the marriage may have been, you STILL saw something that included it in your future).  I mean, it really sucks, but if you don't take time to mourn and grieve then it'll just linger and you'll end up in a similar relationship with someone new.

 

What Donna said about taking back your power is true.  That made me remember that during my most depressed phase, I decided I HAD to do something physical EVERY DAY, I HAD to do something about my financial situation ONCE A WEEK, I HAD to eat something nutritious every day, and I HAD to reach out and connect to someone, anyone, somehow, EVERY DAY (email, phone call, talk to someone at work, have sex).  It could be as little as 15 minutes, but I HAD to do something (a quick jog, update my resume, apply to one job, make one phone call to the bank, have a short conversation with someone new, etc), and when I was done I allowed myself to go back to feeling depressed and unmotivated if that's all I could handle that day.  I mostly BLAH'ed through it at first, but I did it, and sometimes it made me feel a little better and sometimes it didn't, but over time the BLAH lessened and I felt stronger.  And at the very least, after a few months, I at least had a job (I had been a stay-at-home mom up til the divorce), people I had made friends with at work, found people to have sex with, and was in half-decent shape from the enforced work outs.

 

I also tried to be very gentle with myself, no beating myself up when I felt depressed or was unmotivated or cried.  I tried to treat myself like I would a friend under similar circumstances.  I'd be a little stern with myself over doing SOMETHING every day, but always with the promise of "then you have my permission to stop and you did GOOD for doing something!"

 

You're a wonderful dad to take on the suffering rather than let your kids suffer.  I mean that.  It'll pay off in the end.

 

I'm very sorry about the small town situation.  I understand feeling trapped there.

[duderonomy]

However it works out end3, I hope it works out well for you. I agree with amateur (and others)  that it's great that you are being a good dad.  Divorce just sucks, that's for sure. I can promise you that your kids are watching and what you do is very important to them. (No pressure, LOL!)

 

Without going into my own history, I will say that a friend told me once that it is really hard being alone at first, but sometime I might come to appreciate and even enjoy the solitude of being alone.  I eventually came to understand what he meant and within reason, of course, he was right.