Increasing Anger

[TheSpiritualPilgrim]

So it's been about 3 months now since I de-converted and lately I have been feeling more and more pissed off.  From what I read here I guess this is normal but I am trying very hard to avoid nihilistic thoughts.  I have always struggled with depression since I was a teenager and thought I had found my answer to it in Christianity... so of course after deconversion I have had a lot of processing to do.  I don't get why I have this need to have an external meaning for my life to mean something to me.  Why cant I just be happy to be alive?  The absurdity drives me crazy. 

 

I'm also constantly finding myself obsessing about what I'm going to tell the people I will eventually have to come clean with.  I know they aren't going to be happy with my decision but I also don't want to attack their beliefs too much.  A few that I have in mind have dedicated their entire lives to the religion and I feel that it would be far too devastating to send them through deconversion.  Well actually I just do not think they will accept it.  If they've made it this long I guess Christianity works for them.  I guess maybe for some people it does.  But it never did for me.  I wanted to believe but it was like I was continuously trying to talk myself into something that just made no sense at all.

 

So anyways, I'd love to hear how long some of you have been out of the religion and how long it took to feel normal again.  And does the anger and bitterness ever go away?

[Lerk]

We're all here together on this planet. If you are looking for meaning, it comes from recognizing the associations we have. Even something as simple as going to work has meaning, because each of us does some little something that makes life worthwhile.

 

I'm an old guy (relatively speaking), but only realized less than two years ago that the Bible is just myths, legends, and embellished history. I'm still in the closet because I haven't figured out how to deal with family (although my wife knows). But I've become more comfortable over time, and am finally getting a little more bold about things like creationism, trying to make subtle points that undermine it in people's minds. I will be "out" eventually, but I'm just taking it a step at a time. And I'm happy!

 

It was horribly stressful at first, but it gets better.

[Lilith666]

Yeah, it does go away. Hey, you've only been out for three months. Give it time. I know what you mean about the need to have an outside purpose. We'd spent so long having depressing "life has no point" Bertrand Russell quotes thrown at us by evangelicals that we bought into it. You'll start to focus on other things without even thinking about Xianity, so that at some point you're going to realize it doesn't mean as much to you as it used to. I think the initial de-conversion bitterness is so intense that if you make it through (you will), it burns itself out.

[Positivist]

I was angriest during the cognitive dissonance stage--still in the faith but wrestling with all the crazy things that didn't make sense. For example, if God loves me as a father loves his child, why is he treating me like shit? This was a very confusing time for me and it lasted for a few years until the whole thing came undone. When I declared myself an atheist, I realized that I finally had some peace.

 

I think anger is a normal reaction to not only having the existential carpet whipped out from under us, but also to having a (heavenly) parent abandon us. God promised us so much--the whole parent thing, etc., not to mention the inane promises of Jesus. So, it's not just an existential crisis--it's the abandonment of a parent. Add to that the grief over lost experiences, lost $$ (tithing), the lies in church, and we have a lot to be pissed off about.

 

You are three months out, so definitely give it some time. Maybe write down your thoughts and feelings so you don't ruminate. Be true to yourself--if you don't feel like an atheist one day, don't feel the need to be one. Figure it out as you go.

 

As for my own anger, I think I'm over the main hump--the whole parental abandonment thing. What pisses me off now is people who have 'certainty' about their own beliefs that are just lacking in evidentiary support as mine were. When people prattle on and on about their beliefs (like it's normal or something) I feel like I am supposed to nod, smile and say "Oh cool!" but instead I find myself rolling my eyes. I don't know why it bugs me but it does.

 

We are all here for you... Keep us posted!

[gall]

Yeah, it does go away. Hey, you've only been out for three months. Give it time. I know what you mean about the need to have an outside purpose. We'd spent so long having depressing "life has no point" Bertrand Russell quotes thrown at us by evangelicals that we bought into it. You'll start to focus on other things without even thinking about Xianity, so that at some point you're going to realize it doesn't mean as much to you as it used to. I think the initial de-conversion bitterness is so intense that if you make it through (you will), it burns itself out.

 

I have always found the idea that life has no point energizing.

 

It means I get to decide what its point is to me and take that or at least try.

 

No goal but the one I make, no truth but the one I accept. That sort of is what each of us gets at least in our minds which is the only true place of freedom.

 

I can tell you that the point is what we make of it.

[Fweethawt]

Yeah, the anger will definitely diminish over time. Although it may not feel like it, you really are moving forward. Severe anger is something most all of us Ex's went through in the beginning stages.

[RipVanWinkle]

TheSpiritualPilgrim: "I'm also constantly finding myself obsessing about what I'm going to tell the

people I will eventually have to come clean with. I know they aren't going to be happy with my

decision but I also don't want to attack their beliefs too much. A few that I have in mind have

dedicated their entire lives to the religion and I feel that it would be far too devastating to send

them through deconversion. Well actually I just do not think they will accept it. If they've made it this long I guess Christianity works for them. I guess maybe for some people it does."

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Ask yourself who do you want running your life? Seriously. Do you want to be those Xtians'

"co-dependent"? Are you going to support your own honest way of thinking that you worked so hard to

arrive at? Or are you going to give support to your relatives' and/or friends' beliefs which you know

are wrong? Whether you elect to disclose your beliefs to them is your decision. Both ways have their

merits. But if you decide not to do so, make that decision for the right reasons, not because you want to prevent them from being presented with the truth as to their faith.

Your right on this point: Since they are happy where they are there's no reason for you to try to

change them. Are you going to allow yourself to be governed by the beliefs of people you know are

wrong? I do understand how you feel and I sympathize with you. But i will not support your mistaken

thinking.

 

My position, for what it's worth, is that my religious beliefs are private, period. In any event, good luck, whatever your decision turns out to be. bill

[RaLeah]

Yeah, the anger and bitterness in me is gone. I do remember obsessing over how I was going to tell my parents--I even had some terrible nightmares about it for a couple years. 

 

But you don't HAVE to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. You don't owe anyone any explanations. You don't have to let people draw you into a debate that you don't want to participate in. You can just shrug and change the subject or say outright, "I don't want to talk about it." If they press, you can offer, "I know what I believe, I know what you believe, and neither of us are going to change each other's minds about it. I'm not in the mood to argue, so I'd prefer to talk about something else." 

 

I did tell my parents one night when they pressed that I didn't believe the same way they did anymore. And then they promptly acted as if the entire conversation never took place. (Like my dad will still sometimes say that I really ought to find a church in my area. I remind him I'm not interested in finding a church. I freely admit that I never liked church, and I don't miss it, but I tell him I understand why he likes it and it's great if he and my mom want to go if they enjoy it.) 

 

Come to think of it... my depression went away after de-conversion too. It was easier to cope with my own brain once I didn't believe in God anymore. I knew praying for relief wasn't going to help, so I'd have to figure out my own way of managing it. I did a lot of reading on depression and anxiety and tried out methods that helped me deal with it on my own. (I don't take medication for it, though I know medication can be useful for a lot of people.) Getting to the root cause of your depression can help. You have to be self aware of the internal thoughts you're having and be willing to change defeated thinking patterns into something more positive; or if it's your circumstances that are making you miserable, be willing to make some bigger life changes in order to improve the situation to something more tolerable (or at least start making some plans for changes so you're taking a pro-active step in a better direction and give yourself a sense of control and empowerment.) Feelings and thoughts are habits, and you can change them. You can do it through therapy and / or with the aid of medication, but there may be things you can do on your own to manage your depression as well. 

 

Finding a sense of purpose and fulfillment takes some time, but figuring out what gives you a feeling of joy and / or meaningful contribution to others can be a good start. In small or big ways, trying to make the world a better place for myself and others is how I find meaning in my own life. 

[amateur]

I grew up in an agnostic family, and I "rebelled" by becoming born again as a young teen, then worked my way back to agnostic a decade or two later, and now, mainly because of living life and reading this site, I'm settled on atheist (ha ha!  I'm still rebelling against those agnostics!).  Coming from a family that lives and lets live, that's pretty much how I feel about whatever people want to believe.

 

But I'll tell you, since reading things on this site, I've come to realize just how evil xians can be and how wrong it is to raise children with horrifying ideas about hell over perfectly natural, normal, healthy things kids do as they grow up.  Or to be shunned or harassed by family as an adult.  Reading different things here made me feel embarrassed for having been a xian, for having taught sunday school.  It was never my intention to add to anybody's misery if their family took beliefs differently than mine.

 

I really have never talked to anybody much about religion, at any point in my life.  My family's gone now, but wouldn't much care whatever I decided I believed or not believed in.  I never found myself in religious conversations at church, it was always polite chit-chat about families and vacations, etc.  Since reading things here about how xianity is repeats of older myths, I find myself almost wanting to tell people about it sometimes.  But that's just not me.  I've always found it easy to avoid topics I don't feel like discussing by saying things like, "Oh really?" or "Oh wow!" or "Oh my!" (all said with a small, non-commital smile) in response to crazy things people say.

 

My guess is that with only three months deconverted, you should still be in a pissed-off stage.  You know the stages of grief.  You'll eventually work your way to acceptance.

[centauri]

For me, there was great anger at being lied to.

This actually spurred me on to greater investigation, which in turn led to greater confirmation that I was indeed intentionally lied to by "men of God".

But there was comfort in knowing that others also saw through the illusion and I thank them for not keeping it to themselves but openly writing about the lies and how they're employed and defended.

It's a process that takes you from point A to point B and at the end of it you discover how easy it is to be seduced by slick advertising and appeals to authority.

The same tactics that are used to seduce you into a religion can be found in others fields such as politics.

There are always "operatives" that weave their schemes and spin their webs, hoping to turn your mind into their blackboard, where they write the rules and you obey them.

 

The anger evolved into insight that makes it much easier to spot a scam.

A major goal of Christianity is to expand and dominate, which is very primal and a trait that can be found outside of religion.

I'm reminded of male dogs that go around, making sure to urinate on things to mark their territory and expand it.

Proselytizing is the religious equivialent of expanding territory and marking it with urine.

If you can apply your senses and mind to see through the scam, you will have equipped yourself to see through all sorts of disinformation and propaganda.

Although it takes time to refocus, the overall experience may pay dividends that you wouldn' t have received otherwise.

The total process took about 5 years for me, with the first year being the toughest.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

The only meaning your life will have is what you give it.  Forget about that for right now, but keep it in the back of your mind for later.  For now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing that this, too, shall pass.  I'm sure that the duration of post-religious existential angst varies for each person every bit as much as the intensity; never the less, this, too, shall pass.  It isn't necessary for your life to have meaning until you first understand what you want your life to be, or, if I may be so cavalier as to ruthlessly bastardize two different quotes: know thyself, and unto thine own self be true (in that order).  For now, merely accepting that your life is your own, and growing comfortable with the idea, is meaning enough. 

 

We have all dealt with the aftermath of faith, so in that regard, you are not alone.  However, each of us walked through our own deconversion, while only you will walk through yours, with us cheering you on.  This makes you singular, but still, not alone.  I was ruthlessly angry with god for the last two years of my faith; as soon as I put my faith down, my anger lay down beside it willingly.  In that regard, I consider myself fortunate.  Still, I gave myself nearly a year to come to know who I wanted to be and what I wanted my life to become, before deciding what meaning I wanted my life to convey to the world around me.  And it took nearly eight more years before I was in a position to fully become that meaning.

 

The whole point behind time is that everything doesn't happen all at once.  You may think you are ready for everything to happen, now that you have declared your unbelief.  But life isn't about the destinations we reach, but about enjoying the journeys that take us to them.  Relax and give yourself a little time.