My Story

[Jordan]

I don't really want this to be an enormous post, so please forgive me in advance if it ends up being that way. I grew up a Christian and remained one for the better part of 20 years or so. I "gave my life to Christ" when I was about 7 or 8 if I remember correctly, but in all honesty I wasn't really sure what that meant at the time, so I am not sure if I was serious or not, but I believe that I was. I "gave my life to Christ" many times over the next few years, always going thru periods of being "on fire" and periods of being "worldly" if that makes sense. Also, I am currently 24 years old and am married and have been for 2 years now. My wife is a Christian at least I think so, I know she was raised Apostolic and until she met me she was really into that as far as the way of life of an Apostolic, just a little background on that. I am not sure where things started to change with me to be completely honest. I think it was around the age of 20 or so if I remember correctly, I had been heavy all my life and lost a ton of weight (gained it back unfortunately, but trying my best to get it off again) and I got on some anti-depressants because I struggle with really bad anxiety/depression/panic attacks and those helped me get out and about and explore the world and even helped me land my first 'real' job. I started questioning things around the age of 20-21 after I had been going thru this "on fire" stage as I like to call it. I was really heavily into the theology and I considered myself a Calvinist for quite awhile and felt that I had a really, really good understanding of the Bible, probably the best understanding I had had in my whole life up until that point, and not only that but also felt extremely strong in my faith. Then, BOOM, something happened and to tell you the truth I am not sure what it was. I remember feeling very happy that I wasn't dealing with panic attacks every hour and was so happy I was able to get out of the house and actually do stuff, I mean actually go into a store, walk around and not feel like I was dying. I had been living with my grandparents all this time, my dad had lived in Los Angeles at the time and I decided I wanted to take a vacation of sorts so I moved down there with him to take a break from everything. After a few months there I really started questioning what I believed and ended up giving up everything all together and became an "Atheist/Agnostic" or whatever you want to call it. I soon decided I wanted to start investigating other religions so I started with the Mormon church and after only a few weeks or investigation I joined the Mormon church and was baptized. Now, a lot of it was peer pressure, but I have to admit that I really wanted to join that church as well, I am not sure if I had the "burning in the bosom" as they call it, but I definitely felt attracted to the place. I eventually left the Mormon church and requested my name be removed from their list, after not being able to come to terms with some of their more crazy beliefs (crazy, in my opinion at least) such as becoming gods and Jesus not really being the God, so I left and became "Christian" again, though I am not sure if I was totally sincere this time or if I was just angry with the LDS church, but it felt sincere to me. I started getting into studying the Bible again and watching videos on YouTube and fellowshipping, etc. then I fell out of it again after a few months and stopped doing anything all together. When me and my wife got married after a few months I started watching some stuff on the LDS church, and reading the Book of Mormon and I also started meeting with missionaries again and decided I wanted to start visiting the church again but I believe I was told my name was no longer in the books (although I don't 100% remember for sure) so I lost interest and didn't talk to the missionaries anymore. (Not only that but my anxiety/panic attacks flared up again and I did not have any medication so I suffered with it and was not able to do all that I used to do before) Again after that I began studying the Bible a lot more, and getting into it and even doing readings with my wife and then poof, I just gave it up all together and I've been that way for the majority of 2 years or so now. I am not sure why I am telling you all of this but I just felt the need to get all of this off of my chest because it was something that was on my mind tonight. Thank you all for listening and please share your thoughts with me, also, sorry that everything is so jumbled together, my thoughts were sorta racing.

[Lerk]

Welcome to the board! I think you'll find helpful people here.

 

I might suggest that you begin to study the history of Christianity, including Jewish mystical cults in the couple of centuries leading up to Christianity. Once you understand how Christianity came about, you won't be so tempted to get back into it. Reading about how the Bible was assembled would be good, also.

[Positivist]

Hi! Welcome!

 

I agree--the Mormons have some pretty weird beliefs. I agree with ^^^--check out books like "History of God" by Karen Armstrong. The concept of "god" evolved, just like we did.

 

As for Mormonism, have a look here: http://www.infidels.org/kiosk/article715.html

There are lots of online sources to help you with that.

 

Do you have a good mental health therapist? Maybe make sure your diagnosis and treatment are aligning. This might help you feel better to!

 

Keep us posted!

[Jordan]

Hi! Welcome!

 

I agree--the Mormons have some pretty weird beliefs. I agree with ^^^--check out books like "History of God" by Karen Armstrong. The concept of "god" evolved, just like we did.

 

As for Mormonism, have a look here: http://www.infidels.org/kiosk/article715.html

There are lots of online sources to help you with that.

 

Do you have a good mental health therapist? Maybe make sure your diagnosis and treatment are aligning. This might help you feel better to!

 

Keep us posted!

Thanks for your post and no I do not, I don't have insurance.

[RenaissanceWoman]

Welcome, Jordan. You sound quite normal to me. As you will quickly see by reading on this site, the best, most compassionate, and most "sure" atheists were all the best, most devoted, most Bible-reading Christians at one point. The more you delve into it, the more you quest for learning and a close relationship with god, etc... the more you realize there is nothing at the end of that long rabbit hole. You are lucky to have discovered this so early on. Many of us have wasted precious time, energy, money, and emotions on church and god. Keep reading and researching, and you will find peace with it all. The biggest and best thing you will find is freedom. You are free from the sin, the guilt, the time commitments, the phony relationships with other bogus church people. Be free!

[wanderinstar]

Welcome Jordan! Thankyou for sharing your journey with us, and feel free to share more if you want/need to. It can be very disorientating to decovert, especially when surrounded by believers. It can also trigger any mental illness you may have into flaring up again, perhaps due to the stress. I only know that the process can be very destabilising so watch your anxiety/depression levels. If you have no insurance that is really tough. I am not familiar with the public/private health systems in the USA, but is there any relatively cheap way for you to see a pdoc for diagnosis/treatment. I only ask because I have a mental illness which is tough enough to deal with  while undergoing proper treatment it concerns me if you don't have access. If you know hoe to read past the non-scientific crap online there is some great advice to be found - like mindfulness mediation  to help reduce anxiety (it has been demonstrated in scientific trials).

 

Anyway, take care.

[roadrunner]

welcome! thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you are winning at life.