I Am Back, Too. Depressed Beyond Words.

[RachelSkates]

Seems many of us can never truly be free of it. My uncle took me me after all that stuff I went through if you have followed my posts.

 

Well, he had a very serious stoke 6 months ago. And a miracle occurred. Literally. Even "the Drs were amazed". He literally had almost no signs two days later and yes, he is in rehab because yuo can see the damage on the scans. However, he almost dies twice in 24 hours and is now thank goodness OK!!!!

 

This sent me into the Christian spiral. Prayer, thankful, etc......Well, for the last 3 years, I have been on the slide down as many are right now. I lost the job, got very sick, no money, lost the home and am about to be homeless. Then the landlord decided to convert the new place and I had to leave again, living in a dingy basement of a man who is a Fundy and I have to suck up to him .

 

I have not even enough to eat. People bitch about food stamps, I get $18 a month!!!! I can assure you, it is not enough. 

 

It hit me.......why could god heal a man twice in 24 hours and never stop this slide I am on?!!!!!

 

Then I became angrier than ever. And depressed, suicidal, etc. It made no sense to me. 

 

My uncle loves God and is truly the kindest man you would meet. He never preaches or anything. So I never talk to him about why would God help one person and not another?!

 

But this is key to me. If God loves us, he would love me, too. If he would help him, he would help me too. Only explanation is either he is not there or he hates me. 

 

I am so depressed, all I can do is lay on the floor of this guy's basement waiting for him to leave so I can go into the kitchen and make some tea. I am at the lowest. I know I am not the only one on here who is suicidal over this shit. I won't do it, but it really has been such a mind fuck that I am numb. Please post if you are in same troubles. 

 

Yes I saw a shrink and it was laughable. Meds to help with all this? They only made me more suicidal and I know all about the SSRis and how long you need to be on them, etc.......but they don't work for me, that is for sure. 

[R. S. Martin]

My dear Rachel, I am not at the moment in the situation you are but believe me this is terrible. I can't believe no one has yet responded. You posted--what--eight hours ago! I don't know what to say but if the guy's not dangerous you can probably go fix yourself some tea even though he's in the kitchen. I know it's not the same but still...he probably wouldn't want you to starve till he goes out. He might even find that a bit sneaky. Anyway, do feed yourself. If he took you in on the agreement that you use his kitchen he has to let you use it. Human rights and all that.

 

About the Christian spiral...I think all of us ex's on here know all about that. Life is a stormy sea and no one can blame you for going up and down spirals. Just make sure and feed yourself some tea and strawberry jam till you feel better, okay?

[Ravenstar]

Big big hugs!!!!

 

So sorry to hear you are in such a situation... I know a little of what it's like as I've struggled the past couple of years myself trying to support myself and my daughter through some rough times.

 

I've found more help from people, and more compassion from here than I ever did in 'god'. Medical 'miracles' happen, but not because of god, because the human body is an amazing and mysterious thing... and we do not yet understand why it does what it does sometimes.

 

Hang in there, keep posting...  and another hug!

[Positivist]

Oh dear!! I'm so sorry to hear things suck right now!

 

Re: "why could god heal a man twice in 24 hours and never stop this slide I am on?!!!!!" Exactly. It's just plain fluke. We attribute causation where there is not even correlation of any kind. Give it up--it'll just make you crazy.

 

Can you tap into the coping strategies that have helped you in the past? If prayer is a coping strategy, try meditation instead. Meditation is like prayer except you don't have the delusion that anyone but your subconscious is listening. 

 

Keep us posted, friend. We are thinking of you!

[RipVanWinkle]

You probably are fed up with suggestions about medication for depression. I felt the same way many times. After several years a psychiatrist hit on a combination of drugs that finally helped me out of deep depression. I still get depressed from time to time, but it does go away. My attitude was to persevere on the search for the right meds until I found them. Nothing else worked,.so I felt it was my only choice. 

 

Remember, there are many possible combinations of meds. It may take a long time for the right combination for you. I know you feel like the search itself is as bad as the depression. But I couldn't think of any other choice.

 

Sorry if you feel like you've heard all this before and would rather not hear it again. I've felt that way too. But it's better than giving up. Good look to you. I really feel for you and wish you well.   bill

[RenaissanceWoman]

Rachel... I have been there! Mine was post partum depression, and what a deep black pit that was. It's so awful.

 

First off, let's talk food. Have you searched around your town for food pantries? My single mom friend knows all the best places, so you can just ask around. Maybe call local social services and ask for a list? There has to be someone who knows. Some food pantries are at churches certain days of the month. Some are more privately managed. Even if it's a church -- who cares? You're not a hypocrite to get a box of rice and soup and such from them. It's the least they can do for all the hell their religion puts people through. (That was supposed to be humorous... ) You can at least get some protein (usually tuna or peanut butter or at least beans) and some carbs, and some canned veggies. A depressed brain is missing certain nutrients or hormones or whatever, so malnutrition must be avoided.

 

As for meds... yeah, SSRIs can really mess a person up. But I agree with Bill that there are other options, and you may just have to keep plugging away until you find some relief. I had bad results with an SSRI, but the SNRI was miraculous (Cymbalta -- pricey and not available generically yet, dagnabbit). I don't know about the other stuff, but I know there are other options.

 

This might sound simple and dumb, but get outside and walk. Sunlight is vital. Do not wear sunglasses, since you want the light to hit the back of your retinas. The walking also gets your blood pumping, which is essential for clearing toxins from your muscles and mobilizing things like hormones for your brain.

 

You can look for a book at the library called "The Triple Whammy Cure." Unfortunately a lot of the wonderful solutions therein include hands full of essential oils, vitamins, herbs, and supplements to feed the brain, and that gets costly. However, maybe you can glean some info that will be helpful for you.

 

Another suggestion is to stretch. Find the muscles (for me, the backs of my thighs) that are crazy tight. Stretch for a count of 30 until you feel it let go. When it does, quiet your mind and thank the muscle for holding all that tension away from your brain, but now it is free to release it. I know it sounds crazy, but you are storing junk, and tight muscles do not allow proper flow of hormones and other fluids essential to the brain function. Think of it as clearing and rebuilding.

 

I'm not totally sure what to say. I do know what NOT to say. Beware of well-intentioned (but lazy) people who "will be praying for you" or who advise you to "snap out of it." I'm telling you this so you don't have expectations. People can be clueless and lazy about this kind of thing, and do not know how to help, or do not want to take the time. This fault of theirs is not a reflection of you or your value. I went down that spiral of wondering why no one would help, or why they always said stupid things. It made me feel worse, as if I had no value to anyone. Well... the truth is, those people don't know any better. You are a good person, and you deserve to be well. Do you hear me? You are a good person, and you deserve to be well. And you WILL be well.

 

I hope you find some nutrition, sleep, and peace. There is hope for you, Rachel. Please do not give up trying.

[mymistake]

*hugs*

 

Sorry to hear things are so low for you.

[R. S. Martin]

How are you tonight, Rachel? Are you able to read these posts? We do care for you. Love and hugs.

[Thurisaz]

Hoping for the best too

[RenaissanceWoman]

Checking in, Rachel. How are you holding up?

[Margee]

 

 

 

I have not even enough to eat. People bitch about food stamps, I get $18 a month!!!! I can assure you, it is not enough. 

 

 

 

My uncle loves God and is truly the kindest man you would meet. He never preaches or anything.

 

 

 

 

Honey, never mind worrying about who god blesses or not blesses at this moment. Deal with that later.

 

Take advantage of this wonderful Uncle until you get back on your feet again. Tell him how you are feeling. Let him help you in a humanitarian way. He sounds like he's a good guy and loves you.

 

We love you. Get back here and tell us how you're doing? I am giving you the biggest hug today.

[amateur]

Rachel?  Are you ok?  Please post something so we know.

 

There's no god and no miracles, and you are most certainly NOT "not loved by god."  I work as a caregiver with extremely elderly, fragile people, and not to sound callous here (I truly like my clients), but they are always hovering somewhere near death, then go to the hospital and rehab for a while (or sometimes just lay on their bed and look like they are dying) and come back a week or two later looking and acting better than ever.  I don't even try to figure it out any more.  Once in a while, one of them dies (but for their ages and conditions, they don't die as often as I think would be normal), but some combination of medicine, surgeries, good genes, and good luck keeps them going.  My grandparents and parents, all super nice people, all died young.  Bad genes, bad luck.  That's all.  No god.

 

I went through some horrible times where I seriously considered suicide.  I rejected any thought of meds because to me it was situational -- I was truly going through a horrible situation where being depressed was, in my opinion, a natural  and normal reaction.  I told my doctor I would rather deal with the depression NOW, rather than get meds and mask the depression, only to have to deal with it later.  That's my opinion of what I was going through, I am NOT saying that meds do not help or cannot help or that I think you should do what I did.  It's just another way of looking at your problems.  You do have horrible problems, you are going through hopefully the hardest time of your life.

 

RenaissanceWoman has excellent advice.

 

I'd only add to her advice to take baby steps with everything; it worked for me.  When you're depressed and angry and alone (or worse than alone, with an annoying Fundy guy), trying to get healthy, get a job, get a place to live, and deal with all the peripheral shit is overwhelming.  Baby steps.  Make tea.  Then rest.  Look up one food pantry.  Then rest.  Get on Craig's List (or wherever you might look for jobs) and find one job that appeals to you and apply.  Then rest.  Take a walk.  Then rest.  Don't even do that much in one day.  Super, tiny baby steps.  They will move you ahead without overwhelming you.  Be very, very nice and gentle with yourself.  This is not the time to beat yourself up over anything (religion, any self-blame, anything at all).  Be as nice and gentle with yourself as you would to a friend going through an equally bad time.  Love yourself and take care of yourself.  Baby steps.

 

I agree about the food stamps.  People get so angry that some huge percentage of people are on food stamps, but I have heard countless stories of people getting $20 a month or under.  That is NOT assistance; that is a slap in the face on top of being broke.

 

*hugs*

[alpha centauri]

Sorry about what you're going through.

 

You have every right to be angry, upset and majorly pissed.

 

I can recall a lot of posts on Christian message boards of people posting experiences similar to what you're going through, and despite huge amounts of prayer, etc. the god they cried out to didn't rescue them from all their troubles.

 

Life can be so incredibly random, it can drive you up a wall trying to figure it out.

 

I hope things get better for you. All of us have endured disappointment, frustration and feelings of despair. There's no magic solution, no miracle Santa god in the sky, but I do believe in the power of compassion, of love and in our ability to rise up out of seemingly hopeless situations and carry on to better things.

 

You're absolutely right that $18 a month is a ridiculous amount to be expected to live on. Ten times that amount wouldn't be enough.

 

I wish I could offer some advice, some solution that would immediately make everything better. For the religious, they find that hope in prayer, but it's an empty hope, as so many have discovered, but others stubbornly cling to.  

 

If nothing else, know that there are people who care and want the best for you just because it's the right thing. We have no wish to convert you to any way of thinking or transcendent relationship with an imaginary friend.

 

I hope things get better for you ... and soon!

[TheSpiritualPilgrim]

I'm glad you reached out to us and posted here.  We all have completely different circumstances but many of the feelings you have we share.  I have battled with depression and anxiety and I just want to encourage you that it will get better and you are not alone.  Please keep us informed.  Just writing out your thoughts can be very therapeutic.