I Am Back, Too. Depressed Beyond Words.

[RachelSkates]

Seems many of us can never truly be free of it. My uncle took me me after all that stuff I went through if you have followed my posts.

 

Well, he had a very serious stoke 6 months ago. And a miracle occurred. Literally. Even "the Drs were amazed". He literally had almost no signs two days later and yes, he is in rehab because yuo can see the damage on the scans. However, he almost dies twice in 24 hours and is now thank goodness OK!!!!

 

This sent me into the Christian spiral. Prayer, thankful, etc......Well, for the last 3 years, I have been on the slide down as many are right now. I lost the job, got very sick, no money, lost the home and am about to be homeless. Then the landlord decided to convert the new place and I had to leave again, living in a dingy basement of a man who is a Fundy and I have to suck up to him .

 

I have not even enough to eat. People bitch about food stamps, I get $18 a month!!!! I can assure you, it is not enough. 

 

It hit me.......why could god heal a man twice in 24 hours and never stop this slide I am on?!!!!!

 

Then I became angrier than ever. And depressed, suicidal, etc. It made no sense to me. 

 

My uncle loves God and is truly the kindest man you would meet. He never preaches or anything. So I never talk to him about why would God help one person and not another?!

 

But this is key to me. If God loves us, he would love me, too. If he would help him, he would help me too. Only explanation is either he is not there or he hates me. 

 

I am so depressed, all I can do is lay on the floor of this guy's basement waiting for him to leave so I can go into the kitchen and make some tea. I am at the lowest. I know I am not the only one on here who is suicidal over this shit. I won't do it, but it really has been such a mind fuck that I am numb. Please post if you are in same troubles. 

 

Yes I saw a shrink and it was laughable. Meds to help with all this? They only made me more suicidal and I know all about the SSRis and how long you need to be on them, etc.......but they don't work for me, that is for sure. 

[Thurisaz]

(((((Rachel)))))

 

Can't really offer more than that, sadly...

[Mutantmoose]

This tendency to call something a "Downward spiral" is just another example of our pattern recognition gone awry. Things haven't gone well for you. That makes absolutely ZERO prediction of how you may make changes or find opportunities tomorrow,next week, or next year.

 

But, for the now, please keep your local suicide and mental health hotline numbers on your person at all times, please. You can't hunt for opportunity if you are dead.

[creative]

I know people who have been in similar issues. I myself have not so i cant imagine what you are going true nor will i pretend.

Now what im about to say might sound harsh and might not make so much send but bare with me.

People ALWAYS do what THEY believe is the most comfortable thing to do (no exceptions).

Example: someone who i will not name had a really bad job, and with really bad i mean she was on some realy hard anti despession drugs even to be able to go to work.
To keep it short, work was a very traumatic experience. (obviusly this doesnt compare to your situation but im trying to tell you something).
Now at this point... she had 2 options.... find a other job or keep on going.
Now will all the so called bad luck, negativity, depression, etc.. sticking with the job was the most comfortable thing to do. And that's what she did (since the alternative could be possibly even worse).

It did take quite some convinsing to get her to move her ass and take care about herself and quite her job. Sure having to move, getting very little to go around with etc sucks.... but in the end she was much happier.... and things went better... and she is now happy she made that choice.

Now what i am saying is: sometimes you need to really think about what is really the most comfortable thing to do.
You really need to put effort into it. I know the term "im complete out of energy". But that wont cut it. You are stronger then you think.
Your putting up with lots of shit and your still kicking... Trust me your stronger then you think and your fully capable of dragging yourself out of this hole.

Consider writing stuff down.. and making a list of why and why-no..... or why comfortable and why not comfortable.

Don't ask god for help, but help yourself!

Hugs

[kolaida]

Hey Rachel, hang in there. I've been depressed so I know how HARD it is to even muster up the energy to pretend smile (since "they" claim it helps boost your mood).  Like mutantmoose said, things haven't been going well, but that won't doesn't mean they won't go well tomorrow, a week ,or a year from now. Living in the present and not the past and not worrying over the future is key, but it is HARD.  

 

Also, on the up about being homeless, if you stay at a homeless shelter for 90 days you get free dental insurance in some areas. Actually, I was told that by a woman who has two houses but said she used "creative" means to get by in life. But, really, is there any hostels around or any friends you can live with? 

 

I went through several years convinced I must have done something that made God really hate me for I was really starting to feel like Job for awhile and was in fear of "What is next?!" But I've managed to stop those thoughts.  

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I give you lots and lots of hugs!!! 

[Jesususedpeyote]

Hang in there, I know you don't believe it but there are medications that truly work. I know I used to think the same thing "they dont work so why take em". I've been institutionalized, been in the psych ward 4 times from overwhelming suicidal feelings. Mine didn't have to do with religion but I truly felt hopeless, that I was alone, invisible. They have to get the right combination of meds, and sometimes that takes a long time. For me, it did. Is there no family you could turn to, to try to get back on your feet? 

[RenaissanceWoman]

Jesus supposedly fed over 5000 with a couple of loaves of fishes, but tens of thousands of children die of starvation every day. Why can't he fix that? There are plenty of nations sending food, so why can't he multiply that 5000-fold and feed the world every day? Because he's not real.

 

Why did he miraculously save your uncle but not help you? Because he's not real.

 

Good things happen. Bad things happen. Don't give god any credit or blame, because, like I said, he's not real. It's a losing game to question like this, especially if you're on the side with the bad things happening. It will deflate your soul and cause severe self-doubt. Don't latch on to that downward spiral.

 

The best we can do is find our own strength, find a person or two who makes a difference in our lives, and learn enough to be compassionate for the next person we meet who is experiencing bad things. You will figure it out, Rachel, and you will be all the better for it. Sometimes life sucks, but sometimes it's great. I'm hoping you are on the road to great.

[Positivist]

Jesus supposedly fed over 5000 with a couple of loaves of fishes, but tens of thousands of children die of starvation every day. Why can't he fix that? There are plenty of nations sending food, so why can't he multiply that 5000-fold and feed the world every day? 

Well said. If this isn't crazy-making, I don't know what is!