My Story: From Damaged Boy, To Mentally Ill, To Christian, To Free!

[pawn]

Ok, so I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible, without skimping on important details.

 

So, raised by a ex-catholic mom, who went "new age", and a hedonistic, bipolar dad who almost died of alcoholism and psychosis!  They divorced when I was 4 years old, and pretty much fucked my head up forever.

 

Anyway, so my dad drowned his sorrows in alcohol and drugs and women, ended up in mental hospitals having severe psychotic episodes.  I didn't see much of him growing up, my mom just told me that "he was sick" when I was little.

 

So, I was pretty much rasied by my mom.  So my mom is EXTREMELY naive and falls for everything, including psychics, astrologers, get-rich-quick-schemes, etc.  She rebelled against her Catholic family, did drugs and became a hard-core "New Ager" when she had me really young.  So, I was raised believing heavily in spirituality, and supernatural, and sekking God, and all the whole-she-bang of it.  She raised me kind of new age liberal, even attended a Unitarian Universalist church for awhile.

 

Ok, so my whole life i think that I am supposed to "find enlightenment" or "find God" or whatever.  Also, being raised in America, by an ex-catholic, there was still a lot of Jesus influence on me as well.  Not only that, but I always admired Jesus as one fo the great spiritual teachers of all time, probably the greatest.

 

Also, at 11 years of age, my dad is so mentally ill that he loses his job, is totally broke, totally hallucinating, totally addicted to alcohol, that he moves to live with is parents in Florida, and I never see him again for 8 years!

 

So, this obviously fucks me up even more, and I am also extremely introverted and intellectual, so at about 12 years old I start reading heavily about mysticism, and meditiation, Yoga, and all the eastern religions and philosophies.  I was OBSESSED with the idea of becoming enlightened.

 

So, being an extremely impatient pre-pubescent male, I basically got fed up when after a couple of years of reading and meditating and practicing yoga...etc.  So I decide to "cheat" and I start dabbling in psychedlic drugs...first pot, then I finally muster up the courage to take Acid, after reading a bunch of "mystical" books by Ram Dass, and all the other 60s Acidheads.

 

So I take a huge amount of Acid as a teenager and I basically lose all touch with reality and have a complete psychotic episode for several hours.  Of course, at the time I thought for sure that I was "seeing God", I won't even begin to desrcibe what happened to me, but it was just as heavy as all the crazy shit that Ezekial and Isaiah saw and all the rest of the nutjob prophets in history.

 

Fast-forward to me being 19 in college... still fucked up from my childhood and my father abondoning me, I am still "seeking God" feverishly and I I take a bunch of Acid again one night, and end up in a mental hospital.  I get diagnosed with Bipolar type 1.  I drop out of college, I take some meds for aboout 3 months, but quit, and end up going to visit my dad in Florida....this is where it all gets really weird...

 

So, I am a 19 years old man, when I finally meet my dad as an adult after not seeing him since I was 11 years old, he is an ex-alcoholic, ex-drug addict, ex-psycho, ex-bipolar sex-maniac, and he is living in a Christian Baptist homeless mission!  I am fully convinced at this point that "god sent me down here to see my dad", and when I fidn him as a fresg, new born again person, I am amazed!  hallelujah, Jesus healed him!

 

So, I get baptized and live with my dad at the homeless mission for about 3 months.  i read the bible, and go along with everything at first...  then I realize that the whole HELL thing really bothers me and I just can't bring myself to believe in it.  I tell my Dad, that I love Jesus, but that there must be some mistakes in the bible, because Jesus would never send people to hell.  Of course, being a baptist, he tells me, "its just the way it is, it is God's WORD, we have to believe ALL of it.  So, I tell him no way, and I leave the baptists, and I leave to go back to live with my hippy mom and stepdad in Vermont.

 

Next phase, I get a job, learn to be a plumber, move to New York (where my parents are originally from) and I start my new "born again christian" life.  I try several churches, but none of them ever feel jsut right.  I continue to read the bible, and try to make sense of it all.  One day, I meet a young woman who looks like an angel from heaven, and it was literally love at first sight!  Very romantic, soulmate stuff.  She is a "seeker" like me, and we talk about God, and all our enlightned seeking, and of course lust for eachother like the young adults we are!  lol

 

So, two years later and we are married.  I couldn't be happier.  I am succeeding as a plumber, and my wife starts a career as a saleswoman.  We are very liberal christians at this point, and we don't go to church at all at this point.

 

Fast-forward 7 more years, I have my own business, we buy a house and my wife's career starts taking off too.  we are on top of the world.

 

Then, my wife has our first daughter, and the economic meltdown happens.  She leaves her carreer to be a stay-at-home mom and I become a workaholic running my own plumbing business.  When our daughter is about 2 years old, we finally ralized that this is more than just a "little recession" and we start getting behind on our bills.  I get really stressed out and start using marijuana again.  This leads me back to delusional thinking, and I end up selling my plumbing business and starting a website  (typical manic behavior).  So, the delusions of grandeur get worse, and I start "seeking god" again deeper than ever, and I end up having another brief psychotic episode.  I recover, but am severely depressed from the financial burdens.  My marriage gets really bad, and almost self-destructs at one point.

 

6 months later, and we are filing bankruptcy.  I get really into Charismatic Christianity at this point.  I think that God is healing me, talking to me, and directing my life somehow.  My wife and I are still in love, and we sincerely believe that God is healing our marriage and lives somehow.  So we file bankruptcy, I get a new plumbing job (a gift from God!) and we are on our way to a new life.  My wife joins me in Charismatic Christianity, and we end up joining a Charismatic church.  Healings, praying in touges, the whole nine yards.

 

I again get really heavy into bible study, even leading a bible study at my church last year! but secretly, I still struggle with the inconsistencies in the bible, and the contradictions, and especially being very intellectual, the biblical conflict with moden science really bugs me still.

So, I don't know exactly when it happened, but one day I say to myself, "what if its all bullshit?  what if God doesn't exist and its all made up?"

 

and BAM!  I realize that EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW!!!!

 

 

I realize that I WAS DELUDED ALL THESE YEARS SINCE CHILDHOOD!

 

So, it happens very suddenly for me, very fast.  One day I am a hardcore praying Christian, and then next day, POOF, I am an atheist.  Amazing.  My rational mind was so thrilled at the prospect of science and reason over faith, that once I give it Reign, it just completely trashed my faith to death!  Its a funny analogy, but thats how it seemed to happen for me.

 

It was like, "ok, so what if science and reason and atheism is right, and faith and religion are wrong?"  and once I give my rational mind this freedom, it just all "clicks" and EVERYTHING seems to clear, and I realize my faith was just a delusion, and long-lived, very strong delusion, but a delusion nonetheless.

 

So, I told my wife, she was shocked at first, but she is cool with it.  She never really liked church or religion anyway.  She just loves people.     So, THAT was very encouraging.  It takes all but about 2 weeks, and she agrees with my decision to leave the church.
  SO I wrote an email to my pastor, after getting drunk, and though it was a bit blunt, it got the point across.  That was the end of my contact with "the church."  Very easy.

 

So, next, I have to tell my Dad.  At first, I can't get the courage.  He still thinks I am a great "man of faith" going to a charismatic bible-believing church.  My dad lives at a church in Florida now, he is the janitor and the security guard.  We play chess togethe online.  So one day, we are chatting online and I just tell him everything...

 

Here is some of our recent online conversations:

 

ME:

Jonah. A pretty weird myth. I have realized the whole bible is collection of myths. I don't know what triggered it, but I suddenly realized its no different than the Koran, or any other ancient "Holy Book". Muslims are willing to die for their faith in the Koran, even if its just a bunch of bullshit. Same with Christians.

 

All the "holy books" were written by primitive men who had delusions, these were originally stories passed down by oral tradition by illiterate people, eventually these stories were written down by religious scribes. The universe is billions of years old, mankind is several hundred thousand years old. There was never any Adam or Eve, and prayer and miracles aren't real. I left the church months ago. Living a new life based on science and reason. I'm Done with blind faith in old myths.

 

I am still the same person, I just had an earth-shattering epiphany that I have been deluded by my born religious thinking my whole life. If there is a god, it's certainly not the god of the bible or any other religion. It's more like some infinite cosmic consciousness.

 

Anyway, I hope you can understand. I don't know how to tell you this gently. I no longer believe in "bible god". It's just too ridiculous in the face of reality. I can respect others religious beliefs. I know I found comfort and meaning in it when I did believe. So I respect if that how you live your life at the church and all. There are some good things that come our of religion. So I am cool with Christians. I am just not a "believer" any more. I can't lie to you.

 

So there it is. Doing great. The new view on life is very interesting, a bit weird, but very refreshing. Hope you are doing well. Love, ME

 

DAD

Your faith made you a better person and probably saved your marriage .I will miss our cosmicions.

 I believe because all things are possible with GOD so the bible is possible.

 there is no time in eternity so years are meaningless based on motion of bodies through space ..What time is it in deep space where there is no sun or planets.

 I miss our cosmic conversations.

 

ME

Yeah, me too. I have been super busy with work and kids... It basically consumes my life. Little kids are a 24/7 job!!! I have hardly any time to talk on the phone lately. I barely have time for anything beyond basic survival. I make chess moves here and there real quick, between activities.

 

DAD

the bible is about Jesus Christ.He is not a myth.

 

ME:

myth miTH/ noun noun: myth; plural noun: myths 1. a traditional story, esp. one concerning the early history of a people or explaining some natural or social phenomenon, and typically involving supernatural beings or events. synonyms: folk tale, folk story, legend, tale, story, fable, saga, mythos, lore, folklore, mythology More "ancient Greek myths" traditional stories or legends collectively. "the heroes of Greek myth" 2. a widely held but false belief or idea. Christians say he is not myth, Buddhists say buddha is not a myth, Jews say moses is not a myth, Muslims say Mohammed and Allah are not myths... heck, they'll even kil you for not believing! Christians killed and tortured many people for not believing in Jesus. Kids believe in Santa Claus. Maybe he is real, maybe he is not...

 

Dad:

you know that's not true.GOD will get your attention.True Christians do not kill

 

Me

http://www.truthbeknown.com/victims.htm While many Christians are very loving, the church has a very dark history

 I don't want to argue about it. I just wanted to be honest with you. If a God is real, he'll let me know

 

Dad

Amen.

 

(about a week later)

ME:

"Still no sign from "God"

About noontime Elijah began mocking them. "You'll have to shout louder," he scoffed, "for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming, or is relieving himself. Or maybe he is away on a trip, or is asleep and needs to be wakened!"

This story is ironic. For the same can be said for the bible god. Maybe he is busy relieving himself, while thousands of innocent children starve to death every day! Where is their manna from heaven? Where is their fish and loaves? The bible is bullshit."

 

Dad

"Mocking GOD as Elijah mocked satan is not wise."

 

Me

"Both are imaginary. Reality doesn't mesh with the bible. Everything makes sense now that I no longer believe in imaginary beings."

 

Dad

"children starve because evil men steal the food and sell it on the black market.if GOD manifested himself in such a way there is no doubt what good is faith..Blessed is the man who believes yet has seen no amazing miracle."

 

Me: WTF???  ( I didn't actually respond to this... insanity)

 

DAD

"Manna from heaven.Today our church gave 2500 dollars tgo feed starving children.We give to our food pantry every week to help the needy.But never on this scvale.Coincidence or act of GOD?"

 

Me

"That's wonderful. Charity is a beautiful expression of love. All different religions do charity, atheists also do charity. Charity is a human expression of kindness.
Manna from heaven would be a supernatural act of deity."

 

 

 

 

He is quiet now.  Its sinking in for him.  Next, I get to tell my mom, but that will be easier, since she is all universalist new age and all... lol   But I hurt her feeling when I was a Christian, I said mean things, and tried to CONVERT her, so that will be hard, but at least I can finally apologize to her.

 

Anyway, I realize now that my whole life "seeking enlightenment" and "seeking god" was FUELING my mental illness!!!!  It was all just DELUSION.  I am going to but Richard Dawkins book, "THE GOD DELUSION"  because it was partly his words which helped me wake up.

 

Now that I no longer believe in mystical shit, nor imaginary supernatural beings, I feel SANE.  SANER than I have ever felt in my life.

 

I am still married to an ANGEL  though, and we have two beautiful daughters.  Life is GRAND!  Even if there is no Santa Clause in the sky.

 

 

Peace.

[Margee]

 

 

 

Me

 

"Both are imaginary. Everything makes sense now that I no longer believe in imaginary beings."

 

 

Peace.

 

 

*****

pawn, welcome to EX-c. Wow!   Your story is absolutely amazing!! And you came out completely sane!! I loved every bit of your story. I relate to your story on so many points.

 

I saved the sentence above because I too, have just admitted to myself after years and years of spiritual 'hunting' that everything makes much more sense to me personally without  trying to believe in all the different 'magical' journeys that are out there in the world right now. I totally understand that having a 'belief' of some kind does help to get many through and gawd knows, I searched....but personally, I'm done.

 

All the suffering on earth leads me now to believe in evolution. Evolution just makes more sense to me. We are evolving human animals. I like this feeling of logic for me. I think that's what I am reading in your story...that you now have a peace that you've never had?  I too, have been very peaceful in the last while, although I think 100% facing reality is a little on the hard side for me. We'll get used to it!! You help me and I'll help you!!.

 

Thank you so much for sharing this story today. I really appreciate the time you took to write this.

 

Again, welcome to EX-c!!

[pawn]

Thanks Margee.

 

Life is amazing.  The Universe is amazing.  Its all amazing.  There is no need for any gods or fairies or buddhas any more, because evrything that is REAL is enough for me.  I believe that we are a part of this amazing Infinite Universe, and thats enough.

 

Check out "nonduality", its basically just simple philosophy meets cosmology.  Some of it is weird, mystical BS, but the the rational, scientific nonduality is very refereshing and completely coincides with everything we know about evolution and cosmology in modern science.\

 

They even have "Science and Nonduality" conferences. http://www.scienceandnonduality.com/

 

Agin, not even necessary, no religion, no mystical shit, but if you are still wanting to have "meaning" in your life as a rational, scientific person who accepts evolution, it might be for you.

 

Or not, whatever makes you happy!

[buffettphan]

Well, they don't call it christinsanity for nothing!     

 

Welcome to Ex-C and thanks for sharing your story.

 

Glad you and your wife made it out together and that life is amazing!

[RaLeah]

That's a really inspiring story, pawn. Thanks so much for sharing it!

 

I felt like I was losing my mind sometimes in my spiritual quest as well. Had a pretty scary breakdown / meltdown too with hallucination (without even taking any medication!! Just had severe insomnia so I was hallucinating while I was awake.) Anti-depressant made me sleepy and made me a zombie, but the depression didn't lift until I deconverted. And then it was gone. And I have never EVER been that down again since (and it's nearly 20 years later.) I think my brain was trying to mesh irrational thoughts with rational ones, and it was not happy about it. 

 

I feel so free, and that's one of the joys of visiting this website. It reminds me what I escaped from, and how amazing my life has gotten since. 

 

I'm glad you found the courage to tell your dad, and very best of luck to you when you tell your mom. 

[pawn]

I totally concur Raleah.

I won't say that I'll never be depressed again, but I WILL say that I'll never be so Deluded again! My delusions and psychotic episode were directly linked to my belief in god! Every hallucination or delusion I ever had stemmed from my crazed obsession with the supernatural combined with drug use.

Ever since I dropped my faith in god, my mind is crystal clear. The cognitive dissonance has lifted, and my mind is functioning normally and healthily for the first time since I was a young child.

I carried around a lot of insanity over the years, and now that I have become a rational person who depends on scientific evidence, and rejects blind faith, i can truly and honestly say that I have more peace of mind than I ever did as a Christian or as a spiritual seeker.

The only thing I seek now is food, shelter, love, pleasure and knowledge. Playing with my kids, trying to stay healthy, making love to my wife.... Simple things.

Like you said, we are animals, complex, intelligent animals, but just animals deep down, like any other living thing!

Yes, it all makes sense to me now that I have fully embraced naturalism and evolution and all try other scientific facts that fully explain our world. There is no need for seeking for fairy takes any more!

 

It is peaceful.

[Blue elephant]

Hi Pawn

 

Good to hear your story. You still have many years of life ahead of you, with your head thinking clearly now. You have a wonderful wife and children. and you have learned a trade that should keep you in money for the rest of your life ( the most basic need in life is to unblock the toilet think!).

 

Congratulations! Don't worry too much about what the parents think. You have your own adult life now and this means just a little bit of contact with the parents - on your terms!

[Margee]

I totally concur Raleah.

I won't say that I'll never be depressed again, but I WILL say that I'll never be so Deluded again! My delusions and psychotic episode were directly linked to my belief in god! Every hallucination or delusion I ever had stemmed from my crazed obsession with the supernatural combined with drug use.

Ever since I dropped my faith in god, my mind is crystal clear. The cognitive dissonance has lifted, and my mind is functioning normally and healthily for the first time since I was a young child.

I carried around a lot of insanity over the years, and now that I have become a rational person who depends on scientific evidence, and rejects blind faith, i can truly and honestly say that I have more peace of mind than I ever did as a Christian or as a spiritual seeker.

The only thing I seek now is food, shelter, love, pleasure and knowledge. Playing with my kids, trying to stay healthy, making love to my wife.... Simple things.

Like you said, we are animals, complex, intelligent animals, but just animals deep down, like any other living thing!

Yes, it all makes sense to me now that I have fully embraced naturalism and evolution and all try other scientific facts that fully explain our world. There is no need for seeking for fairy takes any more!

 

It is peaceful.

 

pawn, you will never know how much this post above helps me today. Thank you my friend.

[Adam5]

 

.. Life is GRAND!  Even if there is no Santa Clause in the sky.

 

Hi there, liked the testimony. Really nicely written.

 

Edit: I am glad you life is better now. The more I think about it, the more I see that religion (becoming obsessed with an imaginary friend) is not just a mild and harmless delusion, but can be seriously damaging to ones mental health.

[RenaissanceWoman]

Hey pawn! Welcome! But you forgot to mention the mental illness that results from being "a poor miserable sinner." (Yes, that's part of our Lutheran liturgy, and we say it every service.) But god loves you, right? But you don't deserve it. Anything that goes wrong could be because you have some hidden sin you are refusing to confess, or something you don't even know is a sin! (Be sure to spend lots of free time wondering about your sins, and how wretched you are in the eyes of our loving god.)

 

Maybe you're just not good enough for god's love and blessings? Maybe you don't try hard enough, maybe you don't give enough time or money, maybe you don't confess and grovel enough? Maybe you're going in one direction, but god actually wants you to go in another direction, but does not tell you directly enough so you figure it out without a lot of anguish. (You know, closing a door but opening a window.)

 

If god is in control, why are things going to shit? Doesn't he love me?

 

Talk about a downward spiral into self-doubt and depression!

 

Well, that was my experience. I'm glad you are not going to be going through that nonsense any more.

 

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed your story.

[pawn]

The theological debate continues... thought you guys might find it amusing.

 

DAD

"By faith we understand the worlds were formed by the word of GOD so that the things that are seen are not made of the things that do appear"

 

(and he typed a bunch of other stuff, based on this gem...)

 

Me

"None of this lends any validity to the bible. Faith is not a solid argument for anything. One could say, "by faith, we understand <insert anything>...." And it would be just as invalid.
For example: "by faith, we understand that the world came from a giant egg!" Or "by faith, we understand that the universe came from Thor's hammer."

Faith, without evidence is delusional. By faith, small children understand that the Easter bunny brings candy. Yet, eventually they realize that their faith was misplaced and they were deluded into believing this."

 

 

Dad

"600 years ago evidence proved the earth was flat.  300years ago evidence proved the earth was the center of the universe 100 years ago evidence proved the milky way was the only galaxy what we see can be deceiving.santa claus and thor and easter bunny can be disproven but GOD cannot be proven or disproven."

 

 

Me

"That's the whole problem with religion. Every one if them claims their version is the only true version, yet none of them can be proven. By faith people become Muslims or Buddhists or Christians, or Wiccan or whatever. It makes no difference, since none of them are based on anything beyond faith."

 

 

Dad

"only one had power over all creation"

 

 

Me

"All monotheistic religions claim the same thing. Hinduism claims Brahmin is The Lord of creation, and their claims are older than any others. Claiming, "my god is the one true god" is prevalent in many religions.

Whatever or whoever created it, we just don't know."

 

 

 

It is SOOOOO much easier to debate the atheistic side of this issue.  When I was Christian I was afraid to argue or venture into apologetics.  Now that I am an atheist, I see how EASY it is to destroy religious arguments.  Not just christian, but any faith-based religion.

[pawn]

Well, haven't heard from Dad.  I am not sure what to talk about with him now.  Its kind of sad that our entire relationship was based on our common faith, and now that I am a heathen-apostate-unbeliever-atheist-scumbag he doesn't have anyhting to talk about with me.  But I went in fully expecting this as a possible result.  Hopefully, we can still have some relationship based on the fact that I am his son, but if not, oh well.

I am trying to think of what to talk about with Dad, but all we ever used to talk about was God and the bible, and now that I have completely deconverted, obviously we lost that...

 

I finally apologized to my mom, I told her I was sorry I was so deluded by religion, and all the judgemental, crazy things I said and did over the years.  She was very happy, and she laughed, she is going through something similar I think and dropping  her own version of religion right now too.  So that went well at least.

 

I am glad to come clean, though it is awkward running into people we knew from church.  We ran into a couple from our old church this weekend.  My wife recently deleted all her "friends" on facebook that we only were aquainted with through church activity, including the couple we bumped into.  It was a bit awkard for her.  We were all friendly, I mostly kept silent, as I didn't think they would appreciate it if I told them that I deny the whole bible and now worship the FSM.   My wife just told them that church was too stressful for us, with our little kids and lifestyle.  They were nice, they even invited us to a bible study at their house... ummm, luckily I was busy playing with my daughter, as I would have trouble holding back my true thoughts about THE WORD OF GAAWWWD.... I am a blunt, overly honest person.  I managed to stay quiet though, so as not to offend.

[amateur]

Pawn, good for you for getting your sanity back!

 

Life, just as it is, just the fact that we are here, is absolutely amazing.  Adding fairy stories, magic, invisible friends, and Santa Claus doesn't make it MORE amazing.  Real life and real people, and this brief time we have here, is endlessly fascinating.

 

All hail the FSM in all its noodly goodness.  (Yes, of course the FSM is real!)

[RenaissanceWoman]

Pawn, you and your dad will find something else to talk about eventually. It's probably been a big mental shift for him too. It might take a while, but I think he'll miss your thought processes on whatever topic it may be, and will find a way to carry on meaningful conversations with you once again.

 

Glad to hear about your mom. Bit by bit, people are seeing the light. (I just wish the deconversion process was a little quicker and more widespread, but maybe there's hope for a few generations down the road.) You and she could probably have some nice healing conversations too.

[narrowgate]

Great testimony, thanks for sharing. I am glad you feel saner now than ever before in your life. Just deal with what's real and in front of you...the things you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. The real world. Who can fault anybody for that? Mystical thinking can drive anybody crazy. For people who already have struggles, that can be gasoline on a fire. It's too much to process. The real world is enough! 

I think staying sane and handling your responsibilities of being a husband and father is infinitely more important than being "spiritual" or "enlightened" or whatever other magical word you can think of. Who needs that shit?

[pawn]

My dad and I got into a small skirmish today through text message.  I think it went relatively well.  It started with him making a sarcastic christmas text mocking my unbelief, to which I replied and pointed out that Christmas was a 4th century invention by Roman christians trying to win converts, and they only picked Dec, 25, because it coincided with the end of the popular Saturnalia holiday.  I then cut through all the religious B.S. and told him if all he wanted to do was spread jesus, to go away.... we then had a decent heart to heart, I guess.  He seems to be opening up to me despite my lack of faith.   So, at least some progress.

[MerryG]

Good going, pawn. That must have been a tense and risky conversation, but how great that it actually may have opened a door for you and your dad.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

It's a step in the right direction, at least.  My parents avoid the subject with me and I am content to let sleeping dogs lie.  You probably will never disavow your dad of his faith, but an uneasy truce is sometimes more productive than a destructive war.

[pawn]

You guys are awesome! Thanks for the support .

[pawn]

Well, Dad triggered a depresive episode for me,  It seems he's a fundy to the core.  So, I decided its best to put him on "ignore" for awhile.  I can't deal with the mindfuck of religious whackjobs.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Good effort; good decision.