When Are You Coming Back To Church?

[Idontevenknow99]

I was trying to come up with a really catchy-attention-grabber title but just decided on this one: what my friend asked/asks me from time to time. Brace yourself- this will be kinda long!

 

Hello! I can't actually clarify if I'm officially an 'Ex-Christian', but I feel this is the only space in which I can spew my thoughts on what's going on with me and faith and Christianity and Church. 

 

Okay, some background info: I've always had some sort of Christian influence in my life (like most of us here) and I never remember my mom, dad, or grandparents influencing me, it was always a distant relative, or an aunt, or the Christian neighbors from down the street who invited me to a -then- boring church service or Vacation Bible School in the summer.  As a little girl, I had no idea what the preacher or priest would be saying. I'd have my 4-year old head in the clouds before I catch what they were saying up there at that platform or pulpit--whatever you're used to calling it. 

 

Fast-forward to my high school years, and you got yourself one sanctified, saved girl. I was around 15 when I decided to give my life to Jesus. It was after one of my aunts gave me a "purity" Teen Bible or whatever, you know, The Silver Ring Thing purity movement? Anyway, it was just after I had my first real boyfriend and he broke up with me. After telling that same aunt, she sort of did the "I told you so" speech and shook her finger at me, and warned me that I wasn't doing the right thing by being "pure" At the time, I was the only practicing Christian in my immediate family (my household: mom, grandparents, etc.), and to my despair, no one seemed to be interested in going to church but me. I thought, why would my family not want to go to church? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I usually caught fire if I tried to invite my mom to accept Jesus Christ as her Lord and saviour.  

 

Skipping to, say, two years, I was a stronger Christian by then. I got a grasp on spiritual things, reading my Bible more, and just the whole nine yards. I found my friend who shared a similar testimony to mine. We were inseperable in church-- always joking around and giggling at the silliest things. And then it dawned on me that we had to become what was known as "accountability partners." In other words, we would have to "look out for each other," make sure neither one of us was in danger of "backsliding" and this wasn't always associated with a negative undertone. I guess there were good things that came with having an "accountability partner", like we still got to be friends, "so as long as we have Christ to 'complete' and ultimately override our worldy friendship." This did not sit right with me. I sometimes didn't like that we had to stop being ourselves and "get serious about God" when the time came.  

 

It wasn't until my first semester of college did I start to have doubts--well--it was more like I started expanding my mind, because I took a New Testament course on the bible (more on that later).

 

First, let's talk about how "God didn't want me to go to this university in the first place" Unless you're truly prepared, financially that is, for the school of your choice, then you should have no problem-- oh yes, God says YOU ARE ALL SET, AND THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, MY CHILD. Whereas you have me, I am a first generation college student, my parents knew nothing about saving for college, or college loans, etc. I did later realize that I couldn't stay at this expensive school, but the fact that "God was telling me I shouldn't go here," when in reality, I just didn't have the means to pay for it right away, is one sure way to screw up somebody's mind. My friend was telling me all of this, and I couldn't believe it. I know she meant well, and I know she was just telling me what any typical Christian would say, but nobody wants to hear that. Do you? Didn't think so. 

 

Now, for this New Testament class. Like I said, I spent one semester at this school, and while there, you have to fulfill a religous requirement, if my memory serves me right. It wasn't so much a Christ-centered class for Christians as it was just a class that discussed the New Testament with an open mind, also from a historical perspective. Can I just take the time out to say that before I got there, it never once crossed my mind to look at the Bible from a historical point of view? Most believing Christians I know don't see the Bible through their geographical, chronological lenses, but I think it's sort of faith-based and subjective to the history of the earth, cue Evolution vs Creation debates. I heard the professor lecture about the new testament in a way I had never thought of reading the bible. I mean, there were theories out there that suggested "Jesus' actual bones were buried in an ossuary somewhere, but it's up in the air"--things like that that made me    !!!

 

I returned home and everything was the way it was before I left. I had to go back to church and do the same routine all over again. There were young adults my age (who still attend the church) that were advised to remain close to the church, as they were going off to college the same time I was, and if they should choose an out of state college, they were subtlely encouraged to continue to remain faithful to our "church home". Not to say that was the case with every teen or young adult, but the ones that were leaders to-be. Including myself. However, that doesn't mean that everybody wanted to go out of state for college, but this was something that I observed. I'm not saying it was a bad church (it's great and they do a lot for the community), but before I started going out more and questioning my faith, my church and the teachings surrounding my church was all I knew. 

 

For a year now, I have been in and out, and darn near absent from my church services. Why? The internet has been a gateway to opening my eyes to global awareness, LGBTQ issues (a definite no-no), Feminism, Racism, classism, and some courses I'm taking at community college   right now challenge what I believe! I've had a Humanities class and a Women's Studies class expand my horizon. Christians will have you know that all of these bad things going on are "signs of the end times"; these are all prophecies from Revelation, things to be avoided lest we get distracted.

 

The bottom line is, some of the things I've seen or heard about in church, or even with being a Christian--they become oppressive, in my mind. Being afraid to take a Religious Studies or a Women's Studies class because it interfers with your "walk with Christ" or fear of actually changing your mind about what you believe. And that was the conversation I had with my friend today. I didn't mean to force "Women's Studies and Feminism" on her. But she even said it herself that, "Those crazy Feminists and the things they do and blah-blah-blah" I was simply letting her know what a fun and interactive class Women's Studies is, but she just said it wasn't her thing. I understand! Just because Math and Science-reared occupations are in high demand right now doesn't mean I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and take some advanced Computer Science/Algorithms class. 

 

**[bless you, if you've made it this far]**

 

But do you see how there is very little room for rationality here? It went from being about a class in school to "Are you even coming back to church?" to which I just gave a resounding "NO." She flipped. There. I finally said it. In hindsight, I would try to inch my way around the question, shrugging my shoulders. One day, I told my aunt, the one who pulled me into the world of "purity" that I didn't go to church anymore, and she acted as if I told her I was worshipping Satan now.

 

"WOW," my friend said. "That's deep! I can't even tell you 'good luck' because how are you going to make it out there?" 

 

Yes. That's what she said. She laughed in my face. The indoctrination is so real...What am I going to do? I'm going to live my life according to what I find valuable. That's how I'll make it. Do you understand I DO NOT WANT TO BE CLOSED-MINDED ANYMORE. Period. I'm not attacking all of Christianity, I'm not attacking God (because I do still believe in a Higher Being), I am just critiquing what I've been around for about four years now since I became a Christian. 

 

And this is basically my story. I want to thank you all for taking the time out and reading this. It means a lot to me. If you have any questions for me, don't hesitate to ask. 

[par4dcourse]

Welcome to Ex-C and I'm glad you have begun to look at xianity practices critically. I haven't been to a church in 37 years, and I've managed to "make it out there" quite well.

[pratt]

welcome,,,,

 

the new testament course giving you doubts,,,

 

you should try on the old testament next and see how much god will remain,,,,,,

 

enjoy and learn,,,,,

[ExCBooster]

Welcome, Idontevenknow99! I think you'll find people on this board are reasonably laid back and supportive.

 

I think that the most important thing is that you're a smart person, and you are free to ask questions, and come to any answers you find. Relax and research, we're here for you.

[midniterider]

 I'm going to live my life according to what I find valuable. That's how I'll make it.

 

What you have said above will serve you well throughout life. Explore different philosophies and ways of thinking. Question everything. Be whoever you turn out to be. Don't be someone else's robot. Thoughts are not illegal.

[Adam5]

Hi Idontevenknow and welcome to the forum.  Interesting post. Like most here upbringing plays a big part of whether we have a religion or not. Religion is culturally determined.  If you are born into an Muslim family you would likely be a muslim, buddhist family a buddhist, etc.  Its kind of scary taking off the Jesus glasses for the first time and seeing the world through reality glasses, such as reading the Bible as a historical document and not something magical.  If you stick around, you may have your faith tested, they are a knowledgeable bunch here. If you have stopped going to church, you are already de-converting, the next step is to let go of all the faith baggage. That can take time.  Good luck.

[Guest Marty]

Welcome to Ex-C!  

 

[RaLeah]

Thanks for sharing this with us! I'm glad you got out, and I hope you continue to build your knowledge of truth grounded in the real world. 

 

Welcome to ex-Christian! You're in good company here.   

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Whoa, flashbacks from my old youth group days!  Welcome to our forum little sister.  I recommend reading "Who Wrote the Bible?" and "Who Wrote the New Testament?"  You can get them both cheap on Amazon.com and they will both open your eyes to the historical side of christianity.  Plus they are both very well written and easy to read.

[florduh]

Welcome!

 

I hope you find it fun and informative here.

[mymistake]

 

 

"WOW," my friend said. "That's deep! I can't even tell you 'good luck' because how are you going to make it out there?" 

 

Yes. That's what she said. She laughed in my face.

 

Welcome IDEK99.  It looks to me like you are going to make it just fine.  Find your own path and decide for yourself.

[pawn]

When Are You Coming Back To Church?

 

When the God of the bible starts actually doing things.  I find it funny that God can do miracles, part red seas, raise the dead, etc. etc. etc. in thw BIBLE, but he hasn't don't jack-shit in two thousand years.... what is that all about?  This is a great question to ask Christians, the answers are comical.  My Dad used to say, "We are under Grace now, thats why we don;t see miraculous interventions since Jesus came."  WTF? that makes NO sense, Since Jesus came, there should be no more sickness, no more death, etc.  Whats he been doing the past tow thousand years, sleeping?

[florduh]

I always thought if anyone from my former church ever asked when I was coming back, I might say, "When you install stripper poles where the pulpit is and a full bar where the baptismal font is; the plumbing's already in place."

 

But alas, nobody has ever asked.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, IDEK99 and welcome to ExC.

 

It sounds like you are doubting Christianity but still uncertain about it all. I've been there, too. The good news is that there are no deadlines or timetables for you to follow. Move at your own pace. Ask questions until you receive what seems to be a reasonable answer. You may be asking Christians some questions, but remember that the average Christian knows very little about the very Bible that they proclaim to be God's revealed word. Even those educated at theological seminaries will often, when pushed, say it is ultimately a matter of faith.

 

There are far better answers available if you will search with an open mind, which is what it sounds like you have.

[TheSpiritualPilgrim]

Welcome! What a journey you have had. You are smart and intellectual. I'm glad to hear you have decided to keep an open mind. For years as a Christian I had to oppress certain parts of my mind. It was a terrible mental state to live in. Keeping an open mind means you're being true to yourself!

[Blake]

Good for you for having the ability to think critically! It's difficult to hone that way of thought for people these days. I truly believe that all it takes is a bit of critical thinking to see outside of the Christianity delusion, but people with their faith goggles on truly evade those thoughts and try like hell to force it out of their psyche. You're making it! It can be a very rough transition, but worth it in the end. 

[Storm]

Welcome to Ex-C!

You have begun a journey that will take you somewhere you likely never thought you would go. Its a good road to travel, but there is potential hurt and you will battle with yourself about what you have been taught and what you are learning as the truth. Its a nerve wracking process, but its worth the journey. Best of luck to you as you continue down this path.

[Deva]

I always thought if anyone from my former church ever asked when I was coming back, I might say, "When you install stripper poles where the pulpit is and a full bar where the baptismal font is; the plumbing's already in place."

 

But alas, nobody has ever asked.

I heard a commercial on the radio about a local strip club that was having a "car wash" performance of some kind- I thought of you, Florduh.  Of course I have no idea what this car wash actually is-

 

Anyway, that aside, welcome to the forums Idontevenwanttoknow.  If you want to remain open minded you will come to a place where you throw out the dogma.  I went into Buddhism, but that does not require me to NOT LOOK at evidence or literature, or nature, or life, hey the list goes on and on..

[RenaissanceWoman]

We bump into people from our former church quite often. They always ask that same question, "When are you coming back to church?"

 

I then look them straight in the eye and say the same thing every time: "Do you not know the emotional abuse and spiritual torment we endured there? And you ask when we are coming back?"

 

They all always say something along the same lines... "Well, ummm, forget those people. We still love you and miss you, and you are welcome to come back any time."

 

Uh, yeah... refer back to my original statement, OK?

[Lerk]

Great story!

 

Being the first in your family to go to college, your writing ability makes it clear that you're a very intelligent person. I'm betting your parents are smart, too, but weren't raised in a culture that said college was important.

 

Another important thing about your parents: they aren't interested in church! They're probably relieved that you aren't a part of that any more.

 

Welcome to ex-C! Looking forward to your participation here.

[Deva]

Although I have converted to a different religion, the last thing I would ever do is say "when are you coming back to the Buddhist Dharma Center?" LOL.  I have been through so much with church having been a compulsory thing at home growing up that I would NEVER ask that question. Not to anyone, under any circumstances I can imagine.

[Idontevenknow99]

Although I have converted to a different religion, the last thing I would ever do is say "when are you coming back to the Buddhist Dharma Center?" LOL.  I have been through so much with church having been a compulsory thing at home growing up that I would NEVER ask that question. Not to anyone, under any circumstances I can imagine.

 

Lol, yes.

We bump into people from our former church quite often. They always ask that same question, "When are you coming back to church?"

 

I then look them straight in the eye and say the same thing every time: "Do you not know the emotional abuse and spiritual torment we endured there? And you ask when we are coming back?"

 

They all always say something along the same lines... "Well, ummm, forget those people. We still love you and miss you, and you are welcome to come back any time."

 

Uh, yeah... refer back to my original statement, OK?

 

Yeah, I agree with all of this. I also think that sort of approach is just plain intrusive and offensive. One time I ran into one of the Mothers from the church, who is one of the few people that I admired so much while there, she told me she missed me, and that I had grown up so much. She asked that when I get the chance, "try to come back to church." 

 

I just stood there, nodding, and I could feel the compassion in her words, but there was obviously no way I could find it in me to return. I felt so sad because she was so honest and affectionate about it. And on the inside, I was just saying, "no...no...no"  

[milesaway]

Like RenaissanceWoman, I also run into people from my last attempt at church as well as the one before then every once in a while. They usually act like I'm not even there, if they see me. In fact, it happened today at the farmer's market. I was waiting in line at the breakfast booth getting something to eat before I went home, and she started talking to me like we were old friends. Anyways, she was talking about how she and so-and-so would talk about me from time to time, and they'd be all like "have you seen [milesaway]?", "no. have you?", "no."

 

This one wasn't one of the driving forces in my departure, but she couldn't be bothered while I was there all the same. I told her that I had some things going on, but I'm doing great, and yes, I'm still breathing. Short and simple was best. If I'd run into her under other circumstances, I probably would have told her the whole story, but I doubt she'd have listened. She, like everyone else there, had two years of chances to care, two years to give a damn, but they squandered them all away. Nope, no more chances. I drew that line.

 

Guess it's a case of "you don't know what you got till it's gone." I'd had enough of them taking me for granted and treating me like crap. I did as my conscience told me to do. Continuing my involvement with that church would be an endorsement of all the shit they've done to people in the name of their superstitions and folk tales. I thought of that on my bike ride home, and I wondered how she could live with herself by staying.

 

As for when I'm coming back, the answer is never.

[pawn]

I have decided that whenever anyone asks me about church, I am going to answer:

 

"We have joined the church of the FSM."

[new2me]

Welcome IDEK99!

 

I don't think anyone becomes a Christian by reviewing the evidence of the religion.  That's how people become ex-Christians!

 

It's good that you're allowing yourself to be exposed to other points of view.  I avoided doing that for a long time and I really regret it.

 

Living your life according to what you find valuable is a great start!