'peace' Is A Very Relative Term Around Here

[Mycroft]

I don't fight with my family, I have cold wars with them instead. 

 

They are always trying to involve me in their prayers when we’re having diner together, like: ‘Give us the strength to hope, and not question your plan with us.’

 

Sometimes we read out of this little book that guides people through the bible day by day.

 

The page for today ended with the line: ‘What is your greatest doubt?’ I could feel the storm coming already. This was going to backfire on me. All of my brothers and sisters were asked the question, and they answered pretty politically correct. 

‘Well, about what the new earth will look like.’

‘About when jesus will come back.’

 

And then the inevitable happened:

‘And how about you, Mycroft?’

 

So I remembered your boot camp training about avoiding the talk. If I would start this thing here and now, there would come a discussion about being right and wrong, and I really didn't want that. Not in front of my siblings. And after all, nobody has the right to look into my mind and peel the answers off my brain, right? So, as calm as the raging voice inside my head allowed me to, I said:

 

‘I don’t want to talk about that right now.’

‘Why don’t you want to talk about it?’

‘I just don’t want to talk about it.’

 

My whole family was just sitting there in a cricle around me, and as stupid as it might sound, they were just glancing at me like a pack of wolves, waiting for me to make my move.

 

‘Do you feel forced to answer?’

(Yes, yes I feel forced to answer. In fact, I just want to talk about any of this at all, so please be quiet, end the conversation and I will lock myself in the toilet until the storm is over. Does that sound swell? Is that a good idea?)

‘I kind of do. Please, I don’t want to talk about it right now.’

 

My sister was making funny faces at me, despite of the gloomy mood that was slowly crawling up the chairs and tables.

 

‘Why are you making such a scene, Mycroft?’

 

Some people just do not seem to grasp the concept of making a scene, and never fail to make a scene by stating somebody else is making a scene. It’s either that, or this particular man is a genius and just wants the situation to become more uncomfortable.

 

‘This is not the moment to talk about this.’

 

‘But why?’

 

My mom cut of the whole conversation. They said their prayers, with special attention for my lost soul of course, and I walked up stairs to report this to you guys, maybe make a timeline about the further events, because I was just waiting for my dad to walk after me and have a talk with me. I don’t like the word hate, but really, I hate these conversations.

 

And yes, two sentences in, he knocked on the door.

 

‘I wanted to have a conversation with you about the one we just had.’

 

He sat down on a little stool I keep by the door.

 

‘I want to know why you reacted so hysterically just now.’

 

(I did not react hysterically, I did not raise my voice once, but the fact that I keep so calm and avoid their charges annoys him to a degree that is probably of the charts)

 

‘You were forcing me to answer while all of my siblings were watching. I did not want to do that.’

 

He gave a speech about how he did not force me to do anything, how asking further questions was not meant to force me to answer anything, how my little brother was concerned about me and how I had to tell my siblings what I was thinking in one way or another. I had to communicate.

 

So I told him that asking me such questions in front of my siblings was forcing me to answer VERY MUCH (which he denied), and that I wanted him to tell me that questions were coming if they were meant to ease my siblings. After all, their approach had caused a scene, and that was not what they were after.

 

‘I can’t look into your mind! If you want us to do certain things a certain way, you must communicate. I can only guess that you don’t want to talk about this at all, and I can only guess that there is still a process going on inside your head.’

 

It also bothered him that I generalize Christians so much. In his opinion there is no such thing as ‘the Christian,’ and he feels like I call him a dummy when I say I don’t want his opinion because he talks from a Christian perspective.

 

I don’t want to have this talk, not at all, but I’m also kind of glad that we had this one. It cleared the air for a couple of weeks, and it was a relatively controlled and rational conversation.

 

Maybe I should just go living on campus.  

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Hmm, if I had been in that situation, I would have given an answer to the question, but when everyone heard the answer, they'd probably want to burn me at the stake. Of course, that is because I wouldn't care one way or the other what my family thought if I were in your situation (including my siblings). 

 

It sucks, though, that they try to force you to participate in a discussion by making you feel uncomfortable. On the surface, it doesn't seem like force, which makes it so easy for your dad to get away with denying the accusation that he's forcing you into anything, but underneath, it's obvious what he's doing. I hope you can move out and find living arrangements that suit you better. Good luck Mycroft.

[pawn]

What the fuck? Get out of the nest ASAP! Your parents sound like nutters.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

My parents were the same way, manipulative.  My dad never was nearly as bad as my mom; she kept trying to manipulate me until well into my 30s.  I finally had to lay down some strict guidelines for her (which she still violates anytime I'm in a vulnerable situation).  Good luck and if there's anything I can do to help, just ask.

[Mutantmoose]

It's okay to put on a bit of a false front in this situation, really. Since there is a kind of emotional blackmail going on, "You need to be a good family member to stay in our graces, so you better say what we want.", it is okay to say vague and thoughtful platitudes.

 

I would have said :

 

"I doubt that I can do justice to the thoughtfulness I wish to have right now."

 

or

 

"I wish to have more doubt in those things which I tend to be too judgmental about."

 

or

 

"I doubt my intuition when it comes to faith."

 

or

 

"I doubt my ability to satisfy my parents." 

 

Ugh. I remember conversations like this. It's not exactly like talking to a brick wall - the brick wall doesn't generally get pissed off and argumentative.

[Blue elephant]

You did very well in a situation that was designed to be manipulative!

[xliar]

Mybuddy Mycroth,,,hey man, how the hell are ya? Ran across this post recently and can't quit thinking about it. I can only imagine what has transpired since "then" i'm hoping improvements while I'm looking for more recent posts.

[ContraBardus]

My family stopped doing this to me when I started giving honest answers to their stupid questions. My parents never do, but some of my other relatives have "traditions" like this where they ask "what are you thankful for" or "what is your greatest doubt" of all those seated with them. It's basically a Christian word game meant to reinforce belief. It's a psychological control tactic, take reinforcement and paint it as positive by making a "game" out of it. Answer correctly and be praised and accepted by the others playing the "game".

 

Sometimes I would answer to something completely unrelated to what they were digging for, which is "why Jesus is awesome to me" answers. Everyone else would answer "That God has infinite love" or "That the has a plan for me and I am blessed", and my reply would be something like "That I heard Metallica's St. Anger before I wasted fifteen bucks to buy it" or that my doubt is that "Episode II Attack of the Clones will actually be a good movie".

 

When I first started doing it they'd often say that isn't what they meant by the question. I would reply "Then why did you put it that way? Because it's a perfectly acceptable answer to the question that was asked." or something along those lines.

 

After a while I started playing their game but didn't compromise my honesty.

 

"Fine. I doubt that sending psychic mind waves to Jesus with your hands folded together actually accomplishes anything aside from wasting the time spent doing it". or "I'm thankful I don't have beliefs that make me try to make other people uncomfortable by asking awkward questions and trying to force a specific answer that conforms to my own beliefs."

 

Now I get skipped over in the pretend to be a parrot that lives in a convent game.

[xliar]

I remember on occasional Sunday nights after the regular service, after souls were saved and all the singing, the preacher would ask members of his flock if anyone wanted to quote a scripture that was really special to them. I know, I know, major vomit session! As a kid I would watch different ones stand and quote always from memory, like if you had to read it maybe it wasn't all that special. Some would get a louder reaction of "amen brother" than others. Probably a lot of upstaging going on that a kid wouldn't savy. I honestly remember wondering if ever I would become an active player in this stupid, boring event. Not wondering if it were true or not, it had to be true, these people are smart grown-ups that I had better respect, if I know what's good for me.

[Mycroft]

Mybuddy Mycroth,,,hey man, how the hell are ya? Ran across this post recently and can't quit thinking about it. I can only imagine what has transpired since "then" i'm hoping improvements while I'm looking for more recent posts.

Xliar, you're still here too! I'll write a new post about my current situation tomorrow. Things are going pretty well.

[gingernut]

 

Mybuddy Mycroth,,,hey man, how the hell are ya? Ran across this post recently and can't quit thinking about it. I can only imagine what has transpired since "then" i'm hoping improvements while I'm looking for more recent posts.

Xliar, you're still here too! I'll write a new post about my current situation tomorrow. Things are going pretty well.

 

Glad it is going well...sorry that you have to deal with this.