Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Okay, to start at the beginning I'm a high school senior who is taking a gap year. Fine. Cool. Dandy Candy. A lot of UK students take a gap year. Here's the problem:

 

I really do not want to attend the university my mother really wants me to go to.

It's in the same city I currently reside in (I do NOT want to live at home). I also find it way way too costly.

(She told me I don't need to worry about the cost but...)

 

In fact, really I do not want to go to a university in the United States. It's always been a dream to go to university in Germany.

And the strange thing is, I may be able to pull it off by the end of my gap year. The thing is my mother might block my chances if getting over there. It's not the money, tuition in Germany is cheaper than in the US and I have no qualms with working and taking out loans.

 

It's her getting upset at me for 'leaving' her. I do not hate my mother. I just have ambitions. And not evil ambitions either. If it makes me evil, fine.

 

But I really can't stand hiding a big part of myself to appease someone else who may reject or kill me with love and force me to go back into the closet. It fills me up with so much guilt I'm turning my back on everything but, I need to to function.

So she won't take my leaving well nor my atheism particularly well. I feel like a prodigal daughter. Except, it's not likely I'll come home to the fold once more.

 

 

Anyway, does anyone have any leaving home experiences? Or any advice for telling my mom I'm leaving (when I get there)?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Super Moderator

Ari, you have one future and one life; do not let anyone else guilt you into squandering it.  That's what I did and I ended up having to go back to college at the age of 35 with a wife, a mortgage, a newborn, and a ton of bills to pay.  I know you love you mom; but there's a thin line between a mother's loving guidance and a mother's need to be needed.

 

It may not be time to come clean about your disbelief, but you do need to be firm in your decision for your education.  It is, after all, your decision about your future.  Your life is yours to live; that is a great privilege, but it is also a great responsibility.  If you miss out on the life you wanted because someone else wanted to make your decisions for you, you will resent yourself for the rest of your life.  You will also resent the person who pressured you.  If you love your mom, you can't allow her to put the two of you into such a situation.  If she loves you, she will understand that.

 

That said, the only other thing I would say is, go to school in Germany; American education is rubbish by comparison.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Gee, I don't know. My parents weren't that upset about me going to college (though I come home on breaks). I'm surprised that your mom isn't excited about you wanting to get a job and trying to think responsibly about costs. I'd explain why you want to go to the German college and how important independence is to you. Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

P.S. You aren't a prodigal. It's normal to want to get out and get away from home; your mom is just having a hard time dealing with it. A lot of kids want to sit back and not have to do any work, so be proud that you are the opposite.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, to start at the beginning I'm a high school senior who is taking a gap year. Fine. Cool. Dandy Candy. A lot of UK students take a gap year. Here's the problem:

 

I really do not want to attend the university my mother really wants me to go to.

It's in the same city I currently reside in (I do NOT want to live at home). I also find it way way too costly.

(She told me I don't need to worry about the cost but...)

 

In fact, really I do not want to go to a university in the United States. It's always been a dream to go to university in Germany.

And the strange thing is, I may be able to pull it off by the end of my gap year. The thing is my mother might block my chances if getting over there. It's not the money, tuition in Germany is cheaper than in the US and I have no qualms with working and taking out loans.

 

It's her getting upset at me for 'leaving' her. I do not hate my mother. I just have ambitions. And not evil ambitions either. If it makes me evil, fine.

 

But I really can't stand hiding a big part of myself to appease someone else who may reject or kill me with love and force me to go back into the closet. It fills me up with so much guilt I'm turning my back on everything but, I need to to function.

So she won't take my leaving well nor my atheism particularly well. I feel like a prodigal daughter. Except, it's not likely I'll come home to the fold once more.

 

 

Anyway, does anyone have any leaving home experiences? Or any advice for telling my mom I'm leaving (when I get there)?

 

Heh, it's interesting that we're in sort of opposite situations.  About 11 years ago when I left for college, I was the one who wanted to stay close to home, but my parents thought it would be good for me to go far away (oh, my parents aren't Christian, and we get along well).  I'm actually in a similar situation now.  I just finished my PhD and am contemplating a job offer about an hour from home, but my family would be fine with me taking a postdoc halfway across the country.  Granted it's a little different for me, since I'm a bit older than you, am financially independent, and will be married in about a month.

 

But here's my point: I'm thinking about similar issues that you are, and so I'll share what's been going through my mind.  First of all, the world is a pretty small place these days, and you wouldn't be "leaving" your mom.  Throughout grad school I came back home to visit friends three or four times a year.  Even a flight from Germany back to the US isn't terribly onerous, and you could do it once or twice a year if your mom so desires.  Secondly, tools like Skype and Google Video make it easy to communicate with your family back home.  In principle you could even talk to your mom every day if that's OK with you.  Finally, I have to say that living reasonably far from home definitely taught me some basic life skills that I would never have learned if I stayed home all these years.  I can't even imagine going to college while living in my parents' house!  There are numerous experiences that you're going to miss out on, and I'm not even talking drunken frat parties (surprise: I didn't even drink underage!).  After college you can always take a job close to home.  It's only four years of your life, and if you spend them in Germany you'll be that much more cultured when you get home.  Personally I think that's a great way to spend four years, especially if you plan to spend most of your life near your mom's house.

 

Hope that helps!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry for the late reply. My internet browser keeps resetting itself. Driving me nuts. So I'll just put it all in one big post!

 

Ari, you have one future and one life; do not let anyone else guilt you into squandering it.  That's what I did and I ended up having to go back to college at the age of 35 with a wife, a mortgage, a newborn, and a ton of bills to pay.  I know you love you mom; but there's a thin line between a mother's loving guidance and a mother's need to be needed.

 

It may not be time to come clean about your disbelief, but you do need to be firm in your decision for your education.  It is, after all, your decision about your future.  Your life is yours to live; that is a great privilege, but it is also a great responsibility.  If you miss out on the life you wanted because someone else wanted to make your decisions for you, you will resent yourself for the rest of your life.  You will also resent the person who pressured you.  If you love your mom, you can't allow her to put the two of you into such a situation.  If she loves you, she will understand that.

 

That said, the only other thing I would say is, go to school in Germany; American education is rubbish by comparison.

 

You sir, are amazing. I'm glad you got your degree regaurdless of the set backs that's really impressive. If you can do that I can manage going for my Germany university idea.

 

 

Gee, I don't know. My parents weren't that upset about me going to college (though I come home on breaks). I'm surprised that your mom isn't excited about you wanting to get a job and trying to think responsibly about costs. I'd explain why you want to go to the German college and how important independence is to you. Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

P.S. You aren't a prodigal. It's normal to want to get out and get away from home; your mom is just having a hard time dealing with it. A lot of kids want to sit back and not have to do any work, so be proud that you are the opposite.

Ah well, my mother wants me to go to college just not in big cities like New York(or Chicago) or overseas. However, I think she may want me to stay home for whatever reason. (Seeing as she really likes to bring up that private uni.)

I don't know what my mother is up with me working while going to school. Heck, my sister worked even though I got the impression from my mother that she didn't might be a misunderstanding on my part.

 

 

Okay, to start at the beginning I'm a high school senior who is taking a gap year. Fine. Cool. Dandy Candy. A lot of UK students take a gap year. Here's the problem:

I really do not want to attend the university my mother really wants me to go to.

It's in the same city I currently reside in (I do NOT want to live at home). I also find it way way too costly.

(She told me I don't need to worry about the cost but...)

In fact, really I do not want to go to a university in the United States. It's always been a dream to go to university in Germany.

And the strange thing is, I may be able to pull it off by the end of my gap year. The thing is my mother might block my chances if getting over there. It's not the money, tuition in Germany is cheaper than in the US and I have no qualms with working and taking out loans.

It's her getting upset at me for 'leaving' her. I do not hate my mother. I just have ambitions. And not evil ambitions either. If it makes me evil, fine.

But I really can't stand hiding a big part of myself to appease someone else who may reject or kill me with love and force me to go back into the closet. It fills me up with so much guilt I'm turning my back on everything but, I need to to function.

So she won't take my leaving well nor my atheism particularly well. I feel like a prodigal daughter. Except, it's not likely I'll come home to the fold once more.

Anyway, does anyone have any leaving home experiences? Or any advice for telling my mom I'm leaving (when I get there)?

 

 

Heh, it's interesting that we're in sort of opposite situations.  About 11 years ago when I left for college, I was the one who wanted to stay close to home, but my parents thought it would be good for me to go far away (oh, my parents aren't Christian, and we get along well).  I'm actually in a similar situation now.  I just finished my PhD and am contemplating a job offer about an hour from home, but my family would be fine with me taking a postdoc halfway across the country.  Granted it's a little different for me, since I'm a bit older than you, am financially independent, and will be married in about a month.

 

But here's my point: I'm thinking about similar issues that you are, and so I'll share what's been going through my mind.  First of all, the world is a pretty small place these days, and you wouldn't be "leaving" your mom.  Throughout grad school I came back home to visit friends three or four times a year.  Even a flight from Germany back to the US isn't terribly onerous, and you could do it once or twice a year if your mom so desires.  Secondly, tools like Skype and Google Video make it easy to communicate with your family back home.  In principle you could even talk to your mom every day if that's OK with you.  Finally, I have to say that living reasonably far from home definitely taught me some basic life skills that I would never have learned if I stayed home all these years.  I can't even imagine going to college while living in my parents' house!  There are numerous experiences that you're going to miss out on, and I'm not even talking drunken frat parties (surprise: I didn't even drink underage!).  After college you can always take a job close to home.  It's only four years of your life, and if you spend them in Germany you'll be that much more cultured when you get home.  Personally I think that's a great way to spend four years, especially if you plan to spend most of your life near your mom's house.

 

Hope that helps!

That is pretty opposite. It's funny you mentioned Skype, my mother thinks Skype is neat but, she has a slight adverse reaction towards learning new technology. XP

The whole living at home for a long while freaked me out hence, this overseas thing. I just really do not want to be emotionally/psychologically stunted through college.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, to start at the beginning I'm a high school senior who is taking a gap year. Fine. Cool. Dandy Candy. A lot of UK students take a gap year. Here's the problem:

 

I really do not want to attend the university my mother really wants me to go to.

It's in the same city I currently reside in (I do NOT want to live at home). I also find it way way too costly.

(She told me I don't need to worry about the cost but...)

 

In fact, really I do not want to go to a university in the United States. It's always been a dream to go to university in Germany.

And the strange thing is, I may be able to pull it off by the end of my gap year. The thing is my mother might block my chances if getting over there. It's not the money, tuition in Germany is cheaper than in the US and I have no qualms with working and taking out loans.

 

It's her getting upset at me for 'leaving' her. I do not hate my mother. I just have ambitions. And not evil ambitions either. If it makes me evil, fine.

 

But I really can't stand hiding a big part of myself to appease someone else who may reject or kill me with love and force me to go back into the closet. It fills me up with so much guilt I'm turning my back on everything but, I need to to function.

So she won't take my leaving well nor my atheism particularly well. I feel like a prodigal daughter. Except, it's not likely I'll come home to the fold once more.

 

 

Anyway, does anyone have any leaving home experiences? Or any advice for telling my mom I'm leaving (when I get there)?

 

Go to a university in Germany. You know anybody there? You have the financials worked out for Germany?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Go!

 

My mother tried the whole thing of keeping me dependent and living at home. First she put every possible obstacle in my way to stop me going to uni.

 

Then when I enrolled at a university on the opposite side of the city (so I would have to move out of home), she set up my father to offer to come and collect from uni when it finished at 9 pm at night (a two hour round trip for my poor dad).

 

I am 58 and I am STILL angry! My life was made considerably harder by having to work full-time while I studied at night (the family was wealthy enough that they could have paid for my food and train fares without even noticing the cost).

 

The scheme to refuse me financial support through the uni years backfired on her - it made me leave home immediately!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

You go wherever you feel is best for you so you CAN function.

 

And if your mum/mom gives you a hard time at first I'm sure if you stick to your guns your mom will come around later on.

You can reassure her you can hop back to UK when you are on school breaks. Holidays etc.

 

I can give you both perspectives, one as a daughter and as a mother.

I left home at 17 and did my own thing. That's 30 some years ago! Parents may not have liked it or agreed and we weren't really the closest due to dysfunction in our family but we have remained in contact and are ok. I now live in the USA. They still live in UK.

 

I have two sons. One is 27 the other 22. As much as I would love my sons be close by to me, not necessarily living at home. ;) I have not been the guilt trip mother type as I know they need to spread their wings and find things out for themselves.

I don't know if it's different for sons and daughters and mothers. maybe parents are more protective over a girl. Not sure. I don't have any girls.

 

But I'm pretty close to my sons and it has been heartbreaking at times especially with my oldest living very far away but I've not put guilt trips on him. Of course I tell him I miss him but I want him to be happy and do what he thinks is best and the funny thing now he is older he says he wants to move closer to us (me and his dad, brother) now and is working on it. :)

 

I hope you choose to do what you want and not worry. I would hope Your mother will adapt and will get use to it.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

@midniterider I have an acquaintance I know via the internet. However, I hope I can make more friends via the internet. As for the finacials I'm working on it. I'm trying to save money to atleast cover tuition. I'm not sure how I'm going to cover living expeneses. I don't know how i'm supposed to work with only a student visa. I'm try to learn buissness vocabulary fast to understand things.

 

Go!My mother tried the whole thing of keeping me dependent and living at home. First she put every possible obstacle in my way to stop me going to uni.Then when I enrolled at a university on the opposite side of the city (so I would have to move out of home), she set up my father to offer to come and collect from uni when it finished at 9 pm at night (a two hour round trip for my poor dad).I am 58 and I am STILL angry! My life was made considerably harder by having to work full-time while I studied at night (the family was wealthy enough that they could have paid for my food and train fares without even noticing the cost).The scheme to refuse me financial support through the uni years backfired on her - it made me leave home immediately!

That is precisely why I need to plan said "escape" carefully. Granted my mother can't legally bar me from doing what I need to do still frigtfull endeavor.
Link to post
Share on other sites

You go wherever you feel is best for you so you CAN function.

And if your mum/mom gives you a hard time at first I'm sure if you stick to your guns your mom will come around later on.

You can reassure her you can hop back to UK when you are on school breaks. Holidays etc.

I can give you both perspectives, one as a daughter and as a mother.

I left home at 17 and did my own thing. That's 30 some years ago! Parents may not have liked it or agreed and we weren't really the closest due to dysfunction in our family but we have remained in contact and are ok. I now live in the USA. They still live in UK.

I have two sons. One is 27 the other 22. As much as I would love my sons be close by to me, not necessarily living at home. ;) I have not been the guilt trip mother type as I know they need to spread their wings and find things out for themselves.

I don't know if it's different for sons and daughters and mothers. maybe parents are more protective over a girl. Not sure. I don't have any girls.

But I'm pretty close to my sons and it has been heartbreaking at times especially with my oldest living very far away but I've not put guilt trips on him. Of course I tell him I miss him but I want him to be happy and do what he thinks is best and the funny thing now he is older he says he wants to move closer to us (me and his dad, brother) now and is working on it. :)

I hope you choose to do what you want and not worry. I would hope Your mother will adapt and will get use to it.

Good luck.

Lol. I live in Texas. Sorry the UK bit was a parroted remark from my teacher when I asked about gap years. Wait 17 is that legal?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If there is one thing I have learned from my current college struggles, it is that I need to do what I think is best for me and me alone. Where do you want to go to school? Germany? Then do it. Make up your mind and be firm about it. You don't want to do something to make your mother happy because you will likely regret that decision. It may make her happy and make her feel secure but it probably won't make you either of those things.

 

I thought my parents would hate me for wanting to transfer to a public college from my Christian one, but when I was firm and explained my financial position, they didn't like it, but they understood and so that's what I am doing. And I realize now that that is all I needed to do in the first place. It is going to make me much happier.

 

As you take this gap year and college gets closer, you'll start to feel more strongly about what decision you will make. Everything will become more clear.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can understand that your mother might be worried about you leaving. You will be in another continent and timezone and she might not help you if you are in trouble. if that is the reason why she is upset (even if she doesn't explicitly say it) you should tell/show her her that you are reasonable and dont need her protection. maybe you can do an internship in germany or somewhere else abroad so you get to know how it is to live in another country and your mother realizes that you can take care of yourself. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

If there is one thing I have learned from my current college struggles, it is that I need to do what I think is best for me and me alone. Where do you want to go to school? Germany? Then do it. Make up your mind and be firm about it. You don't want to do something to make your mother happy because you will likely regret that decision. It may make her happy and make her feel secure but it probably won't make you either of those things.

 

I thought my parents would hate me for wanting to transfer to a public college from my Christian one, but when I was firm and explained my financial position, they didn't like it, but they understood and so that's what I am doing. And I realize now that that is all I needed to do in the first place. It is going to make me much happier.

 

As you take this gap year and college gets closer, you'll start to feel more strongly about what decision you will make. Everything will become more clear.

 

 

Hm. Perhaps when I've passed TestDaF I'll be able to be assertive. Though maybe even before hand because I can't just suddenly leave for a different city to go take a test. Bah. I need plan a little more thoroughly. I know what to it's just that I need to perfect my German to do so. *head desk*

 

 

 

 

I can understand that your mother might be worried about you leaving. You will be in another continent and timezone and she might not help you if you are in trouble. if that is the reason why she is upset (even if she doesn't explicitly say it) you should tell/show her her that you are reasonable and dont need her protection. maybe you can do an internship in germany or somewhere else abroad so you get to know how it is to live in another country and your mother realizes that you can take care of yourself. :)

I might want to think about moving in with a friend for a while or at the very least stop acting so co-dependent. I'm not so sure going off on an internship is the way to go right now. I'll think of something though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

That is pretty opposite. It's funny you mentioned Skype, my mother thinks Skype is neat but, she has a slight adverse reaction towards learning new technology. XP

The whole living at home for a long while freaked me out hence, this overseas thing. I just really do not want to be emotionally/psychologically stunted through college.

 

 

I might be more accustomed to Skype since I use things like video chat, email, etc. to communicate with colleagues around the world.  You should show your mom how to use some kind of video chat application sometime.  It's not a particularly steep learning curve.  And most smartphones have very simple apps for this sort of thing.

 

As for being emotionally stunted, it's good that you've got some foresight on this.  College is when most people transition from being children to adults (a lot of college students actively choose not to make that transition, but that's a whole other story).  You learn a lot of essential skills, like how to manage your time and go about daily tasks that your parents used to do for you.  Living at home would definitely not be healthy.

 

I'm not sure I want to recommend that anyone go into debt.  But I know a few people who took out college loans, and now have gainful employment that allows them to easily pay them back.  If you pick a major that leads to a job (i.e. not art history, English, music, poli sci, etc.), this might not be a bad option.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Whoops!-- I thought I had posted this yesterday. Now I have to rewrite it. -_-

 

 

 

That is pretty opposite. It's funny you mentioned Skype, my mother thinks Skype is neat but, she has a slight adverse reaction towards learning new technology. XP

The whole living at home for a long while freaked me out hence, this overseas thing. I just really do not want to be emotionally/psychologically stunted through college.

 

 

I might be more accustomed to Skype since I use things like video chat, email, etc. to communicate with colleagues around the world.  You should show your mom how to use some kind of video chat application sometime.  It's not a particularly steep learning curve.  And most smartphones have very simple apps for this sort of thing.

 

As for being emotionally stunted, it's good that you've got some foresight on this.  College is when most people transition from being children to adults (a lot of college students actively choose not to make that transition, but that's a whole other story).  You learn a lot of essential skills, like how to manage your time and go about daily tasks that your parents used to do for you.  Living at home would definitely not be healthy.

 

I'm not sure I want to recommend that anyone go into debt.  But I know a few people who took out college loans, and now have gainful employment that allows them to easily pay them back.  If you pick a major that leads to a job (i.e. not art history, English, music, poli sci, etc.), this might not be a bad option.

It took my mother a long while to learn how to text but, that might've been because she didn't want to learn how. I'm sure with the help of my sister, we can get her to learn how to use skype.

I don't like the idea of taking out loans either. I may have to though. But on the bright side I figured out that I can work part-time with a student visa! Yay! I don't know why I thought I couldn't. Though I should try to earn as much money as I can here so I don't have to work *too* many hours that it gets hard to focus on my studies.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do exactly what you want to do, within reason and with good planning, and it will all work out.

 

Thirty-two years ago my friends and I graduated from high school.  I went to work right away and saved money.  My mom died when I was 18, then I decided to go to college and I paid for it myself, between what I had saved and what I still earned at a decent part-time job I was able to keep after working for 18 months.  I never had to take out a loan.  Life has gone on with all its ups and downs, and I'm just fine.

 

One good friend went to college because his parents wanted him to.  He became an engineer because his parents wanted him to.  He had wanted to work a while after high school, but didn't because of his parents.  He graduated very high in his class, got a great job, is married and has kids and has a very nice life.

 

Another good friend started college with a high-paying technical job in mind, urged on by his parents.  After a year, he came out of the closet, told everyone he was gay, changed his major to what he truly wanted (way more liberal arts), changed universities, spent a semester in Germany and one in Paris, and went on with his life and all is fine.

 

What does any of this mean?  We all chose different paths for different reasons, but in the end, it's worked out for all of us -- nothing perfect, but nothing truly awful.  It'll work out for you.  The only thing I regretted is that after age 18, I never had my mom to argue with any more.  I'd give anything to have a day to talk with her, argue with her, go out to lunch with her, let her meet my husband and kids, show her where I live, anything.

 

After my mom died, when my friends would complain about their moms and talk about their arguments, I'd be jealous.  I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.  I'm trying to say ENJOY WHATEVER RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!  Enjoy the good times, enjoy the arguments, enjoy when you make a plan and get ready to move out and tell her and she freaks on you!  Enjoy it while you have it!  Your mom argues with you and freaks on you because she is THERE and SHE LOVES YOU!!!  I am very envious of you!  And maybe she's a little misguided in her wanting to control your life and all, but that's ok.  You have a wonderful, imperfect mother who is alive and in your life!  

 

Do what you want.  Love your mother back in your own imperfect way.  Practice Skyping with her until she's comfortable with it.  

Tell her you appreciate her concern.  Tell her all your plans for making your college years a success, and how you will keep yourself safe and be able to pay for things.  Promise you will ask her advice when things goes wrong.  

 

Make good plans, stick to them, let your parents know what you are doing, do it yourself, and go and do it and still keep a relationship with your parents.  Whether they want it or not!  Once you're out of high school, you're an adult, so be an adult and do what you want.  No need to be defensive with your parents.  When you get to Germany, keep in touch with your parents, tell them how wonderful it is and invite them to come and visit you and you'll show them around!

 

Parents aren't perfect.  When both my kids got out of high school, I supported whatever they wanted, but it is a strange feeling knowing they're adults and you're suddenly just . . . old and unnecessary.  I think this is when lots of parents start doing the clinging thing with their kids.  Help them grow up, too.  Assure them you'll miss them.  Tell them you will go out of your way to keep in touch. 

 

Good luck!  I envy your young age and freedom and all your wonderful experiences you will have!  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Great advice here. I would also add that very rarely will a mother cut off her daughter so even if you do go to Germany, your mom is likely to still welcome you home when you come to visit.

 

Also, it is unhealthy for a parent to cling to their child at this age. Her fear of you leaving is most likely more about her than it is about you. 3 of our 5 kids have left the nest and we're only a couple of years away from the last two moving out. I understand the anxiety that this causes parents but we know that we want our kids to make their way in the world. Lots of parents have trouble with this though.

 

If you do move to Germany, just be sure to stay in touch with your mom frequently. This will help to alleviate her anxiety. Even if she is one of those to hold a grudge and doesn't respond at first, be sure to send frequent emails anyways. Just trust me on this one.

 

Also, I've discovered that separation has forced us to see our kids as people and not just as our kids. It's been pretty great going through this process. Hopefully your mom will be mature enough to let go a little and allow you to make your own success and mistakes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do exactly what you want to do, within reason and with good planning, and it will all work out.

 

Thirty-two years ago my friends and I graduated from high school.  I went to work right away and saved money.  My mom died when I was 18, then I decided to go to college and I paid for it myself, between what I had saved and what I still earned at a decent part-time job I was able to keep after working for 18 months.  I never had to take out a loan.  Life has gone on with all its ups and downs, and I'm just fine.

 

One good friend went to college because his parents wanted him to.  He became an engineer because his parents wanted him to.  He had wanted to work a while after high school, but didn't because of his parents.  He graduated very high in his class, got a great job, is married and has kids and has a very nice life.

 

Another good friend started college with a high-paying technical job in mind, urged on by his parents.  After a year, he came out of the closet, told everyone he was gay, changed his major to what he truly wanted (way more liberal arts), changed universities, spent a semester in Germany and one in Paris, and went on with his life and all is fine.

 

What does any of this mean?  We all chose different paths for different reasons, but in the end, it's worked out for all of us -- nothing perfect, but nothing truly awful.  It'll work out for you.  The only thing I regretted is that after age 18, I never had my mom to argue with any more.  I'd give anything to have a day to talk with her, argue with her, go out to lunch with her, let her meet my husband and kids, show her where I live, anything.

 

After my mom died, when my friends would complain about their moms and talk about their arguments, I'd be jealous.  I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.  I'm trying to say ENJOY WHATEVER RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOUR MOM!!!!  Enjoy the good times, enjoy the arguments, enjoy when you make a plan and get ready to move out and tell her and she freaks on you!  Enjoy it while you have it!  Your mom argues with you and freaks on you because she is THERE and SHE LOVES YOU!!!  I am very envious of you!  And maybe she's a little misguided in her wanting to control your life and all, but that's ok.  You have a wonderful, imperfect mother who is alive and in your life!  

 

Do what you want.  Love your mother back in your own imperfect way.  Practice Skyping with her until she's comfortable with it.  

Tell her you appreciate her concern.  Tell her all your plans for making your college years a success, and how you will keep yourself safe and be able to pay for things.  Promise you will ask her advice when things goes wrong.  

 

Make good plans, stick to them, let your parents know what you are doing, do it yourself, and go and do it and still keep a relationship with your parents.  Whether they want it or not!  Once you're out of high school, you're an adult, so be an adult and do what you want.  No need to be defensive with your parents.  When you get to Germany, keep in touch with your parents, tell them how wonderful it is and invite them to come and visit you and you'll show them around!

 

Parents aren't perfect.  When both my kids got out of high school, I supported whatever they wanted, but it is a strange feeling knowing they're adults and you're suddenly just . . . old and unnecessary.  I think this is when lots of parents start doing the clinging thing with their kids.  Help them grow up, too.  Assure them you'll miss them.  Tell them you will go out of your way to keep in touch. 

 

Good luck!  I envy your young age and freedom and all your wonderful experiences you will have!

 

 

 

You know I really appreciate this forum for all of the good people on here. I mean I seriously can't think of many places that you receive such thoughtful responses. ^_^ My sincerest condolences about your mother, I lost my father when I was young and I definitely do not want to completely loose my mother over life choices/religion/anything in this universe she is the closets family I have in this world. I swear no one has done more for me than my mother. Although, I don't enjoy arguing with my mother I'd rather have her lecture me than no contact at all. My mother is invaluable to me and I appreciate her wisdom even if we don't agree on very big fundamental things.

 

 

 

 

Keep us posted as things develop.

 

Here's a development, I just hit a wall with learning German big time. It may or may not have to do with me being somewhat severely dehydrated these past few days.(without realizing it) Anyway, with anything water is your best friend. Drink lots of it.

 

 

Great advice here. I would also add that very rarely will a mother cut off her daughter so even if you do go to Germany, your mom is likely to still welcome you home when you come to visit.

 

Also, it is unhealthy for a parent to cling to their child at this age. Her fear of you leaving is most likely more about her than it is about you. 3 of our 5 kids have left the nest and we're only a couple of years away from the last two moving out. I understand the anxiety that this causes parents but we know that we want our kids to make their way in the world. Lots of parents have trouble with this though.

 

If you do move to Germany, just be sure to stay in touch with your mom frequently. This will help to alleviate her anxiety. Even if she is one of those to hold a grudge and doesn't respond at first, be sure to send frequent emails anyways. Just trust me on this one.

 

Also, I've discovered that separation has forced us to see our kids as people and not just as our kids. It's been pretty great going through this process. Hopefully your mom will be mature enough to let go a little and allow you to make your own success and mistakes.

I can't imagine my mother out right ignoring me, forever. I can't imagine not keeping in touch with my mother even if she really doesn't want me to. If she doesn't like skype she can't say no to e-mails! Oddly enough I noticed my mother simply let go of my sister after my sister moved out but, she let her know when she didn't like what she was doing. It's was somewhat interesting to observe. 5 kids wow big family. :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Super Moderator

We have a few people on here from Germany; perhaps they could help you with your studies once you've rehydrated yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ari, I am very sorry to hear about your dad.  I became very close to my father after my mom died, and we ended up with a great relationship.  Going through something like that does make you value your remaining relationships so much more!  And good luck with the German!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have several English speaking colleagues in Germany. Apparently at the universities there, everyone speaks English. Yes, even the Germans. So I wouldn't worry too much about learning German before you get there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have several English speaking colleagues in Germany. Apparently at the universities there, everyone speaks English. Yes, even the Germans. So I wouldn't worry too much about learning German before you get there.

Most people here speak english but it depends on what and where she is going to study whether the classes are in german or english...

 

AriTheApostate, you can pm me if you have questions about german universities etc. :)
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

You go wherever you feel is best for you so you CAN function.

And if your mum/mom gives you a hard time at first I'm sure if you stick to your guns your mom will come around later on.

You can reassure her you can hop back to UK when you are on school breaks. Holidays etc.

I can give you both perspectives, one as a daughter and as a mother.

I left home at 17 and did my own thing. That's 30 some years ago! Parents may not have liked it or agreed and we weren't really the closest due to dysfunction in our family but we have remained in contact and are ok. I now live in the USA. They still live in UK.

I have two sons. One is 27 the other 22. As much as I would love my sons be close by to me, not necessarily living at home. ;) I have not been the guilt trip mother type as I know they need to spread their wings and find things out for themselves.

I don't know if it's different for sons and daughters and mothers. maybe parents are more protective over a girl. Not sure. I don't have any girls.

But I'm pretty close to my sons and it has been heartbreaking at times especially with my oldest living very far away but I've not put guilt trips on him. Of course I tell him I miss him but I want him to be happy and do what he thinks is best and the funny thing now he is older he says he wants to move closer to us (me and his dad, brother) now and is working on it. :)

I hope you choose to do what you want and not worry. I would hope Your mother will adapt and will get use to it.

Good luck.

Lol. I live in Texas. Sorry the UK bit was a parroted remark from my teacher when I asked about gap years. Wait 17 is that legal?

Legal? Well this was back in UK '82. If parents agreed and gave consent then yes it was fine. I was almost 18 anyway.

I moved into the nearest town as we lived in a village away from everything and I rented a room in someone's home and then went on from there.

I had finished community college but didn't do well. I started working in factory. Long story.

Back then you could leave high school at 16. They start school earlier there than the States. Age 4.

Things have changed since then. Kids can stay on at high school another year.

Link to post
Share on other sites

^^^^Ah, my apologies then, I sort of forget sometimes that the US does start school a bit later. It's slightly difficult in my state to get a minor emancipated. Though, it's difficult to do most things if it involves the court system.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.