Do Guys Talk This Much About Love Outside Of Xtianity?

[mymistake]

Well I think there is a culture amongst men of ignoring emotions, only the females don't advertise the benefits of emotions all too well

 

Whatever the underlying cause, men are discouraged from expressing affection while women are discouraged from expressing anger.

[midniterider]

I love all you people! :-) Even the Christian trolls on here that I hate. I love them too. :-)

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I love all you people! :-) Even the Christian trolls on here that I hate. I love them too. :-)

You been drinking?

[slave2six]

I love all you people! :-) Even the Christian trolls on here that I hate. I love them too. :-)

 

Love you too Pumpkin.

[Ro-bear]

Emotion=weakness or not acknowledging emotion=weakness...either statement says more about perception than reality.  In my culture, emotion is perceived as weakness among males.  It is tolerated--you get to cry when someone dies or your girl leaves you--but you are expected to get it together rather quickly.

[falemon]

I love all you people! :-) Even the Christian trolls on here that I hate. I love them too. :-)

 

I too feel great affectional attachments to the text that represents your thoughts, conveying your internal mental imagery

[NeverAgainV]

...I rather want a guy showing me love than talking about it, really. 

Exactly.

 

though I think it depends on a person's upbringing with how much emotion they are willing to show or say in public.

My experience (not that I've had a lot, LOL) but guys tend to keep their emotions hidden, but if they

can trust you, in private they will open up. Alcohol is the truth serum too, for myself as well! LOL

 

just my .02 

[Galien]

Emotion=weakness or not acknowledging emotion=weakness...either statement says more about perception than reality.  In my culture, emotion is perceived as weakness among males.  It is tolerated--you get to cry when someone dies or your girl leaves you--but you are expected to get it together rather quickly.

 

Guess I've never cared much for what I'm "expected" to do.

[RaLeah]

Well... some of the best advice I ever got was: Don't expect your husband to be your girlfriend; you have sisters and girl friends for that. 

 

It's true, and very wise. Learning to appreciate the differences in our brains is smart. 

 

I CAN talk to my husband about something emotional, but I know to keep the conversation short, directed, and then concluded / solved. 

 

With my sisters, I can talk for hours and hours about anything and everything. Analyze, mull over, etc.

 

I think during courtship (and yes, this is super generalized and there are exceptions of course and all that), when a man is trying to get to know a woman, he reveals more about himself and takes more interest in figuring the woman out. Once he has his conclusion, he doesn't keep analyzing and complimenting new discoveries about her with the same intensity. And he figures, the woman knows him too and that he loves her and knows her and likes and appreciates her good qualities. If anything changes (for the worse) he figures she'll tell him. The woman keeps analyzing and noting if he seems distant or distracted or upset or annoyed. He figures those things are temporary and fleeting and just moods and not important in the bigger picture. If she said she admires him for his talents and work effort, she probably still does until she tells / shows him otherwise. 

 

Talking about love all the time would be weird to my husband and me now. But I do appreciate the concept behind LOVE LANGUAGES, which focuses on how each individual shows love or needs to receive from someone they love. The basic concepts are: time, touch, tell, gifts, acts of service. 

 

Telling is saying it: I love you, you're beautiful / handsome / amazing / talented / I admire and appreciate you, etc.

 

Not everyone expresses it that way or needs to hear it. And gifts to me aren't important either; I don't need stuff like flowers or jewelry to know my husband cares about me. I like spending time together, touch, and acts of service the most: It means that taking out the trash and cleaning dishes or scooping out the cat litter box expresses love. Or making money / saving it together for our future. Also, the kiss goodbye in the morning and the hug of greeting every time we see each other in the evening feels like home. Also, a healthy sex life generally reflects a healthy emotional connection. And sometimes just having dinner together or watching tv (especially when we watch each other's programs and explain it and why we like it--thankfully we have similar taste) is all the time we need together to feel connected. 

 

We still say it sometimes when something special about the moment strikes us, "I love you and you're amazing," but we don't even really need to. I kind of think NEEDING to hear someone say it or NEEDING to say it yourself is an act of insecurity. (But that's just me; some people just like feeling the extra warmth, confirmation, and validity from hearing it, and that's fine too.) 

 

To me, talk is cheap; actions speak louder. If you HAVE to say it, rather than really feel or show it, you don't really mean it. And maybe (for all those effusive Christian guys) if you HAVE to say it loudly and publicly, you're just trying to convince yourself. 

 

Huh. That makes me think of Tom Cruz jumping on Oprah's couch and proclaiming, "I LOVE MY WIFE!" (aka Katie Holmes, now divorced.)

[falemon]

@RaLeah

 

Yeah, I think you hit it on the nail. And it is all about languages.

 

Like at the moment a friend of mine is in the early stages of a relationship where they haven't directly stated exclusivity, but my friend just wants her to show her affection by taking time out to meet him. So she might say she misses him, which can reassure him at times but to him time is more significant of a communicative device for what he needs to resolve.

 

 

When I have strong affections for a girl I get creative. I can write somewhat erotic tales inspired by my feelings (tastily done) or songs. My affections become my muse and I just become more artistically inclined.

 

 

A girl can easily tell my affections but also its a great indicator for myself (not that I need indications) as it sticks out like a sore thumb

[HitchWithMe]

men are socialised into ignoring their emotions, its not that they are incapable, it is that they are encouraged to ignore that side of themselves

 

I'm glad that someone brought up the socializing factor in this question.  A man's willingness to have open discussions about love are influenced by his genetic make-up as well as the factors that guide him through the socialization process.  That being said, I don't think that society does a great job at valuing emotions in men.  When there is no value placed upon a thing it goes away. 

 

Often from birth and throughout life people become upset for the same reasons from similar circumstances.  But you don't need to look farther than the playground to make much sense of it.  If a girl is crying she is comforted and encouraged to discuss what is bothering her.  Typically boys are told to suck it up and reasons for being upset or hurt are not even brought into a form of conversation - the important thing is you stop being upset or at least stop doing it in public.  Some boys have better outlets for this depending on age but sooner or later they are given to believe a man is to be somewhat distanced from his feeling and emotions. 

 

I don't think christian men are different so much as they are formed differently.  Just as society will form a man or a woman to what he or she is 'supposed' to be, the church as a sub-culture or sub-society will do the same.  In the christian community there is, as someone pointed out, a desire to be thy brother's keeper and to alter his behavior to conform to that of the sub-culture.  This is an attempt at extension of control by using emotions to steer a person towards a behavior he might not be inclined to do. 

 

To make this possible, you'll need a community of emotional openness.  In order to have people share details of their personal lives that wouldn't dream of speaking about at work you have to encourage a sort of emotional promiscuity. In this environment the details of one's personal life and story are made communal knowledge in the forms of "repentance, alter calls, confessions, prayer requests," and my personal favorite "accountability partners."

 

In my personal opinion, I think men are wired slightly differently than in women in varying degree society does a lot of the rest of the job.  When confronted of the choice of church something about this encouraged emotional promiscuity puts men ill at ease.  At the same time this environment manages to appeal more to women as a support structure in which emotions are highly valued. 

 

But is church a place where emotions are valued?  But emotions and the sharing of deep emotions cannot be special if they are commonplace in a culture.  If a church needs to be emotionally open, the deepest parts of our being forcefull regurgitated over and over again by sub-cultural pressures will take its toll and that culture will become desensitized to emotion itself. 

 

Have you ever heard church people described as "inauthentic"  "uncaring"  "hypocritical" or "fake"?  An environment of emotional promiscuity encourages weekly discussions or confessions which take an outsider weeks to have with a close friend or relative.  It's not they do it on purpose but what is the value of a heart to heart chat with someone if they just opened up that book for a stranger at church to probe and prod around on.  Maybe that emotional distance is normal, mentally healthy, and required of authentic emotion and empathy? 

 

Do Christian men talk more about love??  They absolutely do talk more about love and I think they know infinitely less about what love actually is. 

 

That is the reality of a culture that requires a compulsory love and emotional openness for strangers, persecutors, and outright enemies.  If we can extend love to our enemies and share the deepest of our being with a complete stranger what do we have left for our spouses and our children?  Church and religion has bankrupted love in the name of love through a sub-culture of emotional promiscuity...but they can talk all fucking day about love.

[Blood]

To be honest, it always weirded me out to hear Christian guys talking so much about love in a religious context.

 

A little bit is normal, I think, you dudes obviously have emotions and feelings and such (we're all people after all...) but from what else I have observed in my life, most (not all) men typically don't talk about feelings like love so much. Maybe sometimes, but not in the same way or intensity that xtian related love is talked about.

 

I have a few guy friends who are very open about their feelings, but most of them just aren't like that. Yet in Christianity it's kind of normal for men to do so (not all, but a darn sight more than usual). It feels weird and unnatural, not that any guys express feelings ever, but that this quantity of men talk about God in this romantically-charged loving way.

 

I certainly don't believe the stereotype of 'a real man is muscled, hairy and has no emotions save a liking for his tools and a raw steak'. I like that the guys I know do talk about their feelings, probably more than they would have been encouraged to fifty years ago. But something about the frequency with which Christian men as a group talk about love has always squicked me a bit, even while I was a believer.

 

I'd love to get some male opinions on this, but female (and other-gendered-identifying) opinions are all welcome, too...

 

  Do Guys Talk This Much About Love Outside Of Xtianity? Er, no. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a single conversation about "love" with another man. That would be incredibly awkward and I have to assume this rarely occurs among straight men. I think it is really only appropriate for a man to talk about love with his spouse, his kids, or his parents.    I guess since the church is constantly talking about God "loving" the world and Jesus "loving everybody" etc., that men who are inculcated in that environment begin to think it's normal. And yes, it brings to mind those "Promise Keepers" rallies with masses of men hugging each other and bawling like little girls. How sad that the church can take away both men's minds as well as their masculinity.