Goddamnit Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Hello, My parents indoctrinated me since I was born. The first I ever remember was as a 2 year old having a dream about jesus. I started preaching when I was 6. The indoctrination was not subtle. My parents would show me videos of people being tortured and burning alive since I was a little boy. Constant reminders every day about hell. 12 years old their indoctrination was full, and I became a "born again" christian. At this point I was told that my personality was wrong and of the devil. So I shut down and sort of "died". I became someone else, lived someone else's life. My parents put me in christian homeschool at this point. Anytime my beliefs strayed from my parents I was accused of being used by the devil. When I started questioning the validitiy of taking the OT stories literally I was accused of being used by the devil. I was warned about the devil being everywhere and I started going insane. I was afraid of hell, afraid of sinning, I was a walking zombie that barely moved or said a word. In 2010 my insanity reached it's full. I contemplated suicide, murdering my parents. I was having hallucinations, nervous breakdowns, and hearing loud voices. In 2011 I see a counselor, and am starting to get better, but I am still fucked up. Churches Oh the hypocrisy in churches. I had the opportunity to see the politics behinds scenes in different churches. From the pastor who tried to get me to bark like a dog and complained to my mother that I didn't, to Larry Huch and his overbearing cussing mouth, to the pastor who was cheating on his wife with a youth student, to the stupid youth pastor at the Potter's House who talked about his penis for whatever reason, and more. The plain hypocrisy in churches, it's members, and lousiness of it all got to me. I stopped going to church when I was still a Christian. Ex-christian I was pretty much an ex-christian by 2011 but I didn't know it. I found out I was an atheist this past year, although I've been one since 2012. I always questioned the bible since I was a little boy, but never went further because my parents would tell me about hell again and again. But as time went by I stopped caring, and started questioning. Didn't take me long to figure out the Bible should not be taken literally, and I still considered myself a christian even though I no longer believed in salvation. Finally shrugged it off. I'm really fucked up but things will get better. I hate how my youth was wasted on a lie. So much sex turned down, so many friends lost, my innocence taken away. Blah. I have nothing but a fucked up mind, fucked up social skills, and the emotional scars of a teenager who went insane because of fear of hell. On the plus side I learned a lot about life, and have seen so much crap, so I trust nobody, and will live my life for myself. I will scare my mother sometime soon by committing the "unpardonable sin" bwahahah. Imagine her reaction when I say that the holy spirit is fucking piece of shit. Can't wait to get my little revenge on that old hag. I'm fucked up, forgive me. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burny Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Wow Goddamnit - that is not a pleasant upbringing! I don't really know what to say except, welcome to a place where there's a lot of pain - but also great healing. I hope you find some good discussions on ex-c to help you cope with some of the crap that was done to you. It's posts like yours that make me want to eradicate fundy religions with all my heart. I have NO MORE PATIENCE for parents who indoctrinate and ruin their kids lives forever. There should be laws against religious indoctrination just like there are against other forms of abuse. I think some day, torturing your kids with the idea of Hell will be considered genuine and punishable abuse. I certainly hope so. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goddamnit Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 Thank you. Yes, I have large emotional scars from being a christian and going to church. Amazing how no one in church ever wanted to help me, even though I helped many people. I will overcome this part of my life, and I hope to learn more and contribute while on this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creative Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Thank you. Yes, I have large emotional scars from being a christian and going to church. Amazing how no one in church ever wanted to help me, even though I helped many people. I will overcome this part of my life, and I hope to learn more and contribute while on this forum. Welcome to the forum I am sure you will, dont be hung up on revenge do. Anger, hatred etc are all normal and oke emotions to have. In the real world you don't have to love, forgive, be kind etc you actually get to chose to do it or not. Your life, yours to do with as you please. Anyone telling you otherwise should go and f* themselves. Do consider that your parents are really fucked up (with all do respect). If they could see things the way you and me can, they would have never done what they did (in there delusional reality they are probably doing good things, however hard that might seem to be true). Embrace your selfishness (selfishness is something good, and not bad like religion tells you). When you do kind things to others, you are always doing it for yourself, because it makes you feel good. And that doesn't make you a bad person it just makes you a nice guy You probably have many questions, doubts to wish you will search for answers. The way i see it is.... if your windows is fucked up... you need to download a bunch of updates to fix it (fictional example, since windows updates usually screw up your pc). Windows being your brain and updates being information. But while your updating don't forget the most important thing in life (practically the meaning of life) Have fun! Orgies, hobby's, etc..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goddamnit Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 Thank you. Yes, I have large emotional scars from being a christian and going to church. Amazing how no one in church ever wanted to help me, even though I helped many people. I will overcome this part of my life, and I hope to learn more and contribute while on this forum. Do consider that your parents are really fucked up (with all do respect). If they could see things the way you and me can, they would have never done what they did (in there delusional reality they are probably doing good things, however hard that might seem to be true). Oh, my parents are much worse than I let on, but most of that is too personal to write here. No forgiveness will be extended to them, and I'll soon depart from my fucked up family once I have everything I need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted December 19, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted December 19, 2013 Wow! I think I have finally come across a set of parents that were as bad as my own! Welcome, brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 That sucks. Sorry to hear. But welcome here. Anytime you want to talk about this stuff we are listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MadameX Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Wow. I wish you well, and I wish you healing. If we can help by listening, we're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Pixie Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Hello, Godamnit. I read your story and I cried. I wish I could help you become healthy again. Your story is gut wrenching. It wasn't fair to you to have been brought up in such a legalistic home. I hope you read everything you can on EX-C because the posts are what make me strong each day. I am so sorry you had to experience this terrible childhood and teenage hood. You are young and have time to process all the Religious brainwashing and programing now. It's never too late so don't be afraid. EX-c will help you. Many wishes for you to get well and healthy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Dude, you are freaking totally in the right place! You have every right to be pissed off and to rage against the machine. Let it all out bro. As a lifelong indoctrinated Ex-Christian, I can completely empathize with your anger. But it does get better. While you're working out the anger stuff, take time to enjoy reality. There is so much out there to learn and to enjoy. You are always welcome to post here. (I can't wait for another of those ridiculous Christians to post something and see you go off on them.) You're in a safe place here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 No forgiveness will be extended to them, and I'll soon depart from my fucked up family once I have everything I need. I lost a sister over this whole journey. I don't miss her one bit either. You can't choose your kin but you can choose to leave them behind. When they are damaging wankers, it's the only reasonable choice. While you don't have to extend forgiveness, I would encourage you to really let them go. Don't let this shit eat you up. You mustn't let them have any power over you. When you go, go completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisstavrous Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Yeah thats some bad trip, a trip I still think i am on at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voice Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 You will have scars for life with the kind of programming you got. You'll have an edge. By the way you talk now it sounds like you've got a grip; you understand it's about recovery and you're already in recovery. Welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Wow.. so sorry you've had so much pain and betrayal in your life. Thanks for sharing your very personal story, and I hope you find the healing you deserve. Stick around, we are a pretty good bunch and you are more than welcome here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milesaway Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Thank you. Yes, I have large emotional scars from being a christian and going to church. Amazing how no one in church ever wanted to help me, even though I helped many people. I will overcome this part of my life, and I hope to learn more and contribute while on this forum. It's really pathetic how no one in church wants to help someone in need unless there's something in it for them, whether it's the bragging rights, brownie points or some so-called cosmic reward. Nobody wanted to help me while I was there, and the two who asked if there was something they could do to help only did so after I'd been gone for a month. You might get some offers to help, but it'll come too little, too late. That's always the way of it with churchies. After a certain amount of time, they realize you're not there, and they scramble to find a way to win you back. Don't buy into it. Bring their world crashing down around them with your absence. In fact, that's why my grandma left the church she'd been a member of for years. My grandma gave that church her all, she was involved in a lot of their activities and when someone needed help, she was there for them. When she was in need of help, the pastor completely dropped the ball and gave her the "so what?" attitude. She hasn't set foot in another church since then, and who can blame her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted December 20, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted December 20, 2013 Goddamnit, I would recommend you read the book "Breaking Their Will" by Janet Heimlich. It deals with religious abuse in various forms from physical to emotional. It is a bit lengthy, but it helped me a great deal to come to terms with my childhood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeverAgainV Posted December 20, 2013 Share Posted December 20, 2013 Welcome! Your story is just another reason why I HATE that religion! The doctrines do so much harm to people! You have found the right place to be. WE understand how abusive religion HURTS. You should be proud that you have gotten out. Unfortunately your family are brainwashed and no doubt living in FEAR everyday. The fear instilled w/ the religion is very difficult to overcome, but YOU have stepped out of the box and questioned - that takes courage! Good for you! You are still young. Now you have your whole life ahead of you to live your dreams, desires & curiosities. I hope everyday gets a little easier as no doubt you will experience some heavy emotions. It's all a part of healing. what helped me was reading good information, coming to forums such as this one to get a viewpoint that is different from the religion. Over time you will replace the toxic indoctrinations with healthy information. I'm soooo glad for you getting out NOW. Some of us didn;t get out of it until our lives were half over... I gave decades of my life to it....my youth to the bullshit. but, i think better getting out late than never!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goddamnit Posted December 21, 2013 Author Share Posted December 21, 2013 Well, I had a long (one of many) conversations this morning with my mother. We talked about church, christians, and how my life was greatly affected by it. She took responsbility and genuinely apologized for all the wrong she had done in raising me. I am glad for this, as my mother is getting older and suspect her life will be coming to an end sometime soon. I know my father will never face his "demons", though, but I'll settle for this and hope it can provide a small bit of closure. It will take time before I can fully forgive her, but I told her to make amends with other family members who she hurt and to make herself available to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xliar Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 Glad you found us man. You're one tough sombuck, stick around, we need you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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