Triggered

[Margee]

Merry x-mas everyone. This is my first x-mas as an atheist.

 

It seems that certain things have certain triggers for people when we are deconverting. Things that can set us back. Today, the chrismas music is triggering me. I am trying really hard to enjoy the music this year...especially some of our old favorite secular tunes like jingle bells, frosty the snowman, It's a marshmallow world etc.

 

But I just heard, 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing'...... and I burst into tears. For a couple of minutes, I wanted to be back to the old days when I just had 'faith' and believed. Those days when I would lift my hands up to the lord and praise him for life. I was doing really well this year. Maybe, it's because I also reminisce at all the losses over time and remember the good times when the whole family would gather around Mom's piano and sing till we were blue in the face.

 

Maybe it's because I was a believer for so much of my life and I really thought I would go to heaven one day and meet all my loved ones. Maybe, my age is making me even more sentimental than I've ever been. Maybe, it's because they buried my mom on Dec 24th, 19 years ago........

 

Today, I want there to be a god again..... Maybe I always will and maybe I just need to accept this fact?

 

Listening to that music this year is a big deal to me. I was very proud of myself.

 

But I think I have to turn the radio off......

 

Do any of the long time atheist members have this happen to you at times? I feel really bad about posting this because I want so much to encourage any newcomers on the board.....

[Deva]

Margee: I wish I could help. I still love these old Christmas songs, but the words do not mean what they used to..

I have been listening to this music a lot this season, but I don't believe literally any of the words. In fact, I attended a Christmas program where a lady was singing "Sweet Little Jesus Boy" and I found myself crying.  On rare occasions, I really wish I could go back sometimes and have the sort of belief I used to have, but its impossible.  I was crying because of the injustice pictured in the song of a completely innocent person being hurt.   There is nothing wrong with crying for that reason.

 

I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't believe the story of Jesus has any literal truth to it, but there may be some other way of understanding it. I still enjoyed the program.  Maybe its the length of time since I really left the church - 10 plus years.

[Guest MadameX]

Sorry the holidays triggered some bad feelings. This time of year can really cut to the quick. 

 

Long time atheist here, and no, those songs only cause occasional eye rolling.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Mel Gibson's jesus movie came out just a few months into my deconversion.  My parents and wife wanted to go see it and I knew it would be a huge risk for me, but I went along with them to the theater.  I was the only one who didn't cry.  After that, hardly anything acts as a trigger for me.  My wife listens to the christian radio station sometimes and I can tell the difference between christian music and secular music even if I am in a different part of the house.  I get more annoyed than anything.

[Voice]

Merry x-mas everyone. This is my first x-mas as an atheist.

 

It seems that certain things have certain triggers for people when we are deconverting. Things that can set us back. Today, the chrismas music is triggering me. I am trying really hard to enjoy the music this year...especially some of our old favorite secular tunes like jingle bells, frosty the snowman, It's a marshmallow world etc.

 

But I just heard, 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing'...... and I burst into tears. For a couple of minutes, I wanted to be back to the old days when I just had 'faith' and believed. Those days when I would lift my hands up to the lord and praise him for life. I was doing really well this year. Maybe, it's because I also reminisce at all the losses over time and remember the good times when the whole family would gather around Mom's piano and sing till we were blue in the face.

 

Maybe it's because I was a believer for so much of my life and I really thought I would go to heaven one day and meet all my loved ones. Maybe, my age is making me even more sentimental than I've ever been. Maybe, it's because they buried my mom on Dec 24th, 19 years ago........

 

Today, I want there to be a god again..... Maybe I always will and maybe I just need to accept this fact?

 

Listening to that music this year is a big deal to me. I was very proud of myself.

 

But I think I have to turn the radio off......

 

Do any of the long time atheist members have this happen to you at times? I feel really bad about posting this because I want so much to encourage any newcomers on the board.....

 

You have emotional ties like remembering the best times you had with someone you've broken up with over cheating.

You say you're an atheist, Margee, what thought/meditations have you given to redefining God in new terms?  Do you choose to believe there is no god at all?  Do you ponder other ways to understand the nature or existence of God?

[Margee]

 

You have emotional ties like remembering the best times you had with someone you've broken up with over cheating.

You say you're an atheist, Margee, what thought/meditations have you given to redefining God in new terms?  Do you choose to believe there is no god at all?  Do you ponder other ways to understand the nature or existence of God?

 

 

Thanks Voice for responding. No, I have given up on any 'creator' as such. I do not believe in a 'personal' spirit at all anymore. I have been quite comfortable with the thought that I am only here for awhile and that the universe is an evolving universe. I think today, I just missed the 'magic' of wanting there to be a kind, loving protecting god. I feel a bit better right now. I think that the music itself just brings back a lot of 'old' times..good and bad..... As soon as I finish posting, I'm going to blast some jazz and blues......that will bring me back to normal...whatever normal is....Lol

 

Thanks hon....*hug*

[Margee]

Mel Gibson's jesus movie came out just a few months into my deconversion.  My parents and wife wanted to go see it and I knew it would be a huge risk for me, but I went along with them to the theater.  I was the only one who didn't cry.  After that, hardly anything acts as a trigger for me.  My wife listens to the christian radio station sometimes and I can tell the difference between christian music and secular music even if I am in a different part of the house.  I get more annoyed than anything.

 

Thanks Redneck. I had to get up and walk out on that movie because I can't stand any type of violence at all. One of the biggest questions I had as a Christian was how in the hell could a good 'father' put his own son up on a cross and torture him? They used to tell me that jesus was god himself and he made this choice to show us how much he loved us????   Jeeeuuusssss, that's enough to make anyone nuts listening to that bullshit.

 

The triggers aren't happening near as often as they did but today was weird..it came right out of the blue and I shook for a minute or two. That's always when I get my ass to the computer and write to my Ex-c friends...because you guys always help me and you understand what we can go through at times.

 

Thanks my friend...I appreciate you.....

[Margee]

Margee: I wish I could help. I still love these old Christmas songs, but the words do not mean what they used to..

I have been listening to this music a lot this season, but I don't believe literally any of the words. In fact, I attended a Christmas program where a lady was singing "Sweet Little Jesus Boy" and I found myself crying.  On rare occasions, I really wish I could go back sometimes and have the sort of belief I used to have, but its impossible.  I was crying because of the injustice pictured in the song of a completely innocent person being hurt.   There is nothing wrong with crying for that reason.

 

I have to come to terms with the fact that I don't believe the story of Jesus has any literal truth to it, but there may be some other way of understanding it. I still enjoyed the program.  Maybe its the length of time since I really left the church - 10 plus years.

 

 

Thanks Deva. It was so weird today how 'Hark the Herald Angels' got to me. For a few minutes I just stared out my kitchen window and let the tears roll down as I understood once again, that the whole thing has been a lie. That still really gets to me. I even remember so clearly as a child coloring pictures of 'gentle Jesus' and loving it (and him). He was the 'King' of the world. How innocent we were as children to sing 'Away in a Manger' and believe it with all your heart. That's the shit that can still get to me at times. Damn!!

 

I'm doing much better now that I'm being honest about some of the shit I still go through.

 

Your a good friend Deva.......*hugs*

[Margee]

Sorry the holidays triggered some bad feelings. This time of year can really cut to the quick. 

 

Long time atheist here, and no, those songs only cause occasional eye rolling.

 

Thanks MadameX. You're really lucky not to be triggered anymore at all. I can't wait to get to that place!! You stay here and show me how...I want to learn how to roll my eyes at all bullshit!!! Lol  I'm gettin' there.....maybe another year and I'll be totally free!!

 

Hugs

[slave2six]

It's been four years for me and when my kid's high school choir sang O Holy Night at this year's performance, I wept as well. There are so many deep emotions associated with such songs.

 

But, if I'm being honest, I've wept a lot more as an ex-c. Beautiful things touch me deeply, whether it's a song, a story of kindness or something amazing in nature.

 

Do not take your weeping as a sign of weakness. There are beautiful ideas in the Christmas story. Sometimes tears are simply the appropriate response.

[Galien]

I'm hearing you Margee. I so wanted it all to be true, and I had a very strong emotional connection to all of it. Now I just push it away as far as I can to avoid being swallowed by grief. Sucks to be sensitive

[Margee]

It's been four years for me and when my kid's high school choir sang O Holy Night at this year's performance, I wept as well. There are so many deep emotions associated with such songs.

 

But, if I'm being honest, I've wept a lot more as an ex-c. Beautiful things touch me deeply, whether it's a song, a story of kindness or something amazing in nature.

 

Do not take your weeping as a sign of weakness. There are beautiful ideas in the Christmas story. Sometimes tears are simply the appropriate response.

 

Thank you slave2six for that honest responce. I so appreciate this site even more since you joined. You are always so helpful and have so much good to say.

 

I just heard this song on the radio. Yes, I'm still listening to it and again a few tears fell because I think this song says it all for me today.....have a listen....     'My Grownup Christmas List'.

 

[jdog]

Hi Margee

I want to give you a big hug.

I wouldn't feel badly.

Music can effect us deeply and emotionally and trigger feelings and that can be said for all kinds of music not just Christmas carols and songs.

And probably there is a connection to the loss of your mom and this time of year. I'm sure it's pretty impossible to not be reminded of that time.

And so it's probably a combo.

Sadness of loss. Loss of what things once were.

 

I think my first Xmas After deconversion was similar to yours. I could not listen to any hymns and carols at all. I threw my CDs out and turned off the radio. I had a mix of emotions. Sad and tearful and then angry and annoyed.

 

5 yrs on I am not sad like I was and not angry either.

 

I can listen to instrumental versions of some of the hymns and songs now. And I'm fine.

It's like now I can think oh that's a nice tune.

I am still not keen on traditional hymns and songs being actually sung because of the lyrics and I go out of my way to avoid them.

Change channel on tv or radio station.

I just find it annoying.

 

However I don't mind listening to Soma Christmas radio station for a little bit.

They play lounge jazzy type mainly instrumental versions of Christmas songs. Mostly secular.

It's nice back ground music.

That maybe a good alternative and a nice transition for you.

 

Giving you Hugs and wishing you peace and I hope you'll be ok.

[Margee]

I'm hearing you Margee. I so wanted it all to be true, and I had a very strong emotional connection to all of it. Now I just push it away as far as I can to avoid being swallowed by grief. Sucks to be sensitive

 

I do think being sensitive sucks sometimes Galien. I know it's one of the reasons that you and I understand each other. People may say, just get over it. I've had that said to me a million times in my life. I don't get over things quickly. I can't watch a bug being squashed let alone some of the things humans go through on this earth. My heart has hardened to a certain degree and a lot of time I keep it hard by being angry... but I just can't live in all those angry feelings either. It's like you're caught between a rock and a hard place. I am finding my way slowly..... Lol 

 

After, I talk to you guys, I always seem to get back to 'balance' again.That's what I'm trying to do at this point of my life. Stay balanced.

 

I wish for all good things for you in the New year Galien. Big *hug*

[mymistake]

Huggs Margee.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make these religious items trigger laughter in you instead.

 

I had my share of the Christmas blues but for a different reason.  I got together with some of my distant relatives I had not seen in years.  These were some of my relatives I thought were the farthest from religion and perhaps my best chance for finding atheist family.  But immediately upon seeing them all they said was Jesus this and Jesus that, buybull this and buybull that.  So disappointed.  Then I had to endure ten minutes of torture as they praised Duck Dingaling for quoting the buybull about gays.

 

We all have our burdens.  I wish you the best.  Your encouragement got me though tough times.  Thank you.

[Margee]

Sadness of loss. Loss of what things once were.

 

5 yrs on I am not sad like I was and not angry either.

 

Giving you Hugs and wishing you peace and I hope you'll be ok.

 

jdog, thank you so much for that beautiful post. I think you are right. It's a combination of a whole lot of things for me and you are also right about it taking up to 5 years for me. I'm in my 3rd.

 

My mom was the Queen of x-mas and to lose her at this time of the year was horrible for me. I always remember that dreaded day. I try really hard to think of all the fun times but it still gets me even after 19 years.

 

We did have the best Christmases' ever and I think that's what I miss also....the good ole' days. It's so funny to have lived this long to call myself an old person (lol) but at 59, you do start looking back and the sentiments get to you. I try to smile through my tears most of the time. Sometimes I say  FUCK!!       It feels good when I get angry, but I don't want to stay there.

 

I have been angry long enough and it's like poison to me. 'God' was part of my whole life so it does grieve me sometimes to let it all go and be a 'realist'. If ANYONE comes here to Ex-c and thinks we just woke up one morning and decided to not believe in god, I want to punch their friggin' face in!! That's how mad I can get. I despise it when they are so cocky.

 

Thank You for taking the time out to respond to me today. I wish for the best for you in the coming year......*hug*

[slave2six]

 

It's been four years for me and when my kid's high school choir sang O Holy Night at this year's performance, I wept as well. There are so many deep emotions associated with such songs.

 

But, if I'm being honest, I've wept a lot more as an ex-c. Beautiful things touch me deeply, whether it's a song, a story of kindness or something amazing in nature.

 

Do not take your weeping as a sign of weakness. There are beautiful ideas in the Christmas story. Sometimes tears are simply the appropriate response.

 

Thank you slave2six for that honest response. I so appreciate this site even more since you joined. You are always so helpful and have so much good to say.

 

Awww! Thanks! That means so much to me.

 

Love that song too. 

 

I think it's an easy mistake to make to throw out all the good with the bad of Christianity. There are a lot of good Christian charities and positive messages told and lived by Christians. I've said before that I personally don't care if someone is a Christian or not, I just care if they are decent people. Decent people don't shove their views down other people's throats. 

 

You're a positive light in this community too. I've seen how you are quick to come to the aid of someone posting their struggles here. That means a lot not only to them but to the community as a whole. I really wish that there was a way for all of us to get together and meet face to face. There are a lot of people here I'd like to know better.

 

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day today. Please know that you are loved, admired and appreciated.

[slave2six]

 

Sadness of loss. Loss of what things once were.

 

5 yrs on I am not sad like I was and not angry either.

 

Giving you Hugs and wishing you peace and I hope you'll be ok.

 

jdog, thank you so much for that beautiful post. I think you are right. It's a combination of a whole lot of things for me and you are also right about it taking up to 5 years for me. I'm in my 3rd.

 

My mom was the Queen of x-mas and to lose her at this time of the year was horrible for me. I always remember that dreaded day. I try really hard to think of all the fun times but it still gets me even after 19 years.

 

We did have the best Christmases' ever and I think that's what I miss also....the good ole' days. It's so funny to have lived this long to call myself an old person (lol) but at 59, you do start looking back and the sentiments get to you. I try to smile through my tears most of the time. Sometimes I say  FUCK!!       It feels good when I get angry, but I don't want to stay there.

 

I have been angry long enough and it's like poison to me. 'God' was part of my whole life so it does grieve me sometimes to let it all go and be a 'realist'. If ANYONE comes here to Ex-c and thinks we just woke up one morning and decided to not believe in god, I want to punch their friggin' face in!! That's how mad I can get. I despise it when they are so cocky.

 

Thank You for taking the time out to respond to me today. I wish for the best for you in the coming year......*hug*

 

 

"Count the cost" was supposed to mean something when I was a Christian. I didn't find out what it really meant until I left Christianity. I'm with you on the face-punching aspect. Those people have no clue...

[slave2six]

I'm hearing you Margee. I so wanted it all to be true, and I had a very strong emotional connection to all of it. Now I just push it away as far as I can to avoid being swallowed by grief. Sucks to be sensitive

 

Damn Gailen, you're making me cry! I was exactly the same way. I so wanted it to be true...

[atkegar]

I'm hearing you Margee. I so wanted it all to be true, and I had a very strong emotional connection to all of it. Now I just push it away as far as I can to avoid being swallowed by grief. Sucks to be sensitive

Galien: How I resonate with your comment. I know in my head that there is no god, but I still want to find something that I can call god. To Margee, all I can say is that I know how much it sucks, and hope your negative thoughts get less soon.

[Margee]

Huggs Margee.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make these religious items trigger laughter in you instead.

 

I had my share of the Christmas blues but for a different reason.  I got together with some of my distant relatives I had not seen in years.  These were some of my relatives I thought were the farthest from religion and perhaps my best chance for finding atheist family.  But immediately upon seeing them all they said was Jesus this and Jesus that, buybull this and buybull that.  So disappointed.  Then I had to endure ten minutes of torture as they praised Duck Dingaling for quoting the buybull about gays.

 

We all have our burdens.  I wish you the best.  Your encouragement got me though tough times.  Thank you.

Thanks MM. I am laughing a bit right now!! Your magic wand worked!!   I feel a lot better tonight.

 

I am so sorry you feel down because of your family. That sucks. I don't have anyone in my family to talk to either. I just stay quiet ..there is enough dysfunction in our family as it is!! Why make more? Lol  My surrogate family is you guys. I couldn't have made it without your wonderful input. Thank you my 'brother'!!  

.......And your encouragement got me though many tough times. You're a good friend!

 

*hug*

[Margee]

 

I'm hearing you Margee. I so wanted it all to be true, and I had a very strong emotional connection to all of it. Now I just push it away as far as I can to avoid being swallowed by grief. Sucks to be sensitive

Galien: How I resonate with your comment. I know in my head that there is no god, but I still want to find something that I can call god. To Margee, all I can say is that I know how much it sucks, and hope your negative thoughts get less soon.

 

 

atkegar, Hopefully, we will all continue to stick together in this and help each other out when we get down in the dumps or 'triggered' by something that reminds us that we can still be caught in the 'web' of Christianity. This is one hell (excuse the pun!) of a website for getting support!!  Thanks so much for responding and I also wish you the very best in 2014 my friend.

 

*hug*

[Kris]

Hey Margee--- just thinking about you and sure hope you feel better--- this time of the year can be hard--- but it will get better. Hang in there!!

[Margee]

Hey Margee--- just thinking about you and sure hope you feel better--- this time of the year can be hard--- but it will get better. Hang in there!!

 

Thanks Kris......being triggered is a bitch!!!   lol 

 

I know you understand! Lol

 I do feel better tonight.

 

As always...Ex-c saved my day!!

 

Best to you my friend! And thanks! *hug*

[duderonomy]

Margee,  I understand about Christmas music. I understand about music in general.

 

When I used to play out, I knew that one must play to whatever the emotion of the crowd is. If they are moody, play something moody. If they are in a jovial mood, play something jovial. Slowly, song by song, you could take a big room full of people and make them feel the same mood you feel, just by leading them. What power I felt doing that!

 

One of my best friends came over today. He brought me a huge amount of food from his Christmas Day Feast.  Funny, because about two weeks ago we told each other that we weren't Christians anymore.

.

He's a musician too. The last time we played in public was at his pentecostal church New Year's Eve, 1999. Yes the prince song went through my head, but I quickly quashed it. It was my last "gig" of the twentieth century. Today we sang a bit of "Silent Night". We got to the part where Jesus, at like a few minutes old laid down his sweet head. Nobody was supporting this infants neck?

 

Margee, will you cyber-marry me? There I said it.