Triggered

[Margee]

Margee,  I understand about Christmas music. I understand about music in general.

 

When I used to play out, I knew that one must play to whatever the emotion of the crowd is. If they are moody, play something moody. If they are in a jovial mood, play something jovial. Slowly, song by song, you could take a big room full of people and make them feel the same mood you feel, just by leading them. What power I felt doing that!

 

One of my best friends came over today. He brought me a huge amount of food from his Christmas Day Feast.  Funny, because about two weeks ago we told each other that we weren't Christians anymore.

.

He's a musician too. The last time we played in public was at his pentecostal church New Year's Eve, 1999. Yes the prince song went through my head, but I quickly quashed it. It was my last "gig" of the twentieth century. Today we sang a bit of "Silent Night". We got to the part where Jesus, at like a few minutes old laid down his sweet head. Nobody was supporting this infants neck?

 

Margee, will you cyber-marry me? There I said it.

 

duderonomy, thanks for responding hon. What kind of music do you play? Did you play in the churches for a long time?

 

 What you say about music is very true. Thanks for reminding me. I grew up in a very musical family and have sung at weddings, etc.. since I was a little girl. My mom was a very well known piano player in our area. As a matter of fact, Anne Murray used to fill in when Mom's band would take a break. Lol

 

 I have mentioned this story a few times on Ex-c where I had a dream come true at the very end of my Christian walk. I have been a wanna-be-blues singer forever. I used to sing a lot at church using accompaniment tapes. They were always 'bluesee' music.

 

The last church I went to had a band called 'Good News Blues' and the lead guitarist was a born again x druggie who could play like Carlos Santana. (who is my favorite singer and performer in the world!) He even looked like Carlos!! I thought I had died and gone to heaven listening to him Sunday after Sunday. One day he was sitting right behind me and heard me singing. I was 'high' in the spirit so I was 'bellowing' out the song. After  the song was finished he came over to me and said, 'Girl, I want you in my band'.....   I sang with them for a year and it was one of the best years of my life. Not because of church, but because I was finally singing in a blues band!! I remember one Sunday singing, 'Falling in love with Jesus' and people were 'falling out in the spirit'.

I couldn't believe how this song effected people although every time I sang it, I would start crying and that would affect the crowd even more!!!  (This is Stevie Wonders' version of it)....start at 1:50 mark http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXSicAvB_c0   It is amazing the impact that music can have.

 

We did a concert one summer and I have been trying to get a copy of it because I would love to post it for my friends to see on Ex-c...Margee singin' the blues....Lol

 

I feel a lot better today. I'm back to being a cranky atheist....  Lol

 

...you are too adorable! I woke up to a proposal of cyber-marriage?    Made my whole day!!

By the way, before I cyber-marry you - are you a nice guy??   Lol

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Margee,

 

So sorry you were triggered as you described.  I think that even after years, some of us (me included) have our moments.  I think it illustrates just how far we had been pulled into the religion and how difficult it can be to break away fully and completely.

 

I hope you feel better now!!!

 

O.F.

 

[Margee]

Hi, Margee,

 

So sorry you were triggered as you described.  I think that even after years, some of us (me included) have our moments.  I think it illustrates just how far we had been pulled into the religion and how difficult it can be to break away fully and completely.

 

I hope you feel better now!!!

 

O.F.

 

Thanks so much Overcame. You are always there to remind me to use the bible against itself for answers and you are so right.

 

I think what happens to me is I get all caught up in emotion and it floods me for a bit until I get back to a rational way of looking at things. I think this is the thing that most of us go through. It's an emotion of some sort that overcomes us. Then we lose the ability to think those rational, logical thoughts.

 

Music is definitely a trigger for me. There are certain songs that have the ability to take me right back into the past. I can even tell you the song that I waltzed to for the first time with a boy at a school dance. Memories can be such triggers, good and bad.

 

I am always so happy when you intelligent, rational thinkers jump in and calm us down. The silly bible really does have all the answers when we get 'triggered'. I appreciate you very much.

 

....and the very best to you in the upcoming new year...thank you for being a part of Ex-c.

[atkegar]

 

 

I'm hearing you Margee. I so wanted it all to be true, and I had a very strong emotional connection to all of it. Now I just push it away as far as I can to avoid being swallowed by grief. Sucks to be sensitive

 

Galien: How I resonate with your comment. I know in my head that there is no god, but I still want to find something that I can call god. To Margee, all I can say is that I know how much it sucks, and hope your negative thoughts get less soon.

atkegar, Hopefully, we will all continue to stick together in this and help each other out when we get down in the dumps or 'triggered' by something that reminds us that we can still be caught in the 'web' of Christianity. This is one hell (excuse the pun!) of a website for getting support!! Thanks so much for responding and I also wish you the very best in 2014 my friend.

 

*hug*

Thanks Margee. While I like to hear when young people realize that the traditional Xtian god is bullshit, especially when they become atheists, it gives me hope seeing other older folks deconvert too. That maybe someday I can become a nonchurchgoing atheist too. But I still need to explore nontraditional ways of seeing God first.

[amateur]

Music definitely triggers memories.  Xmas music is so specific, too, as for me, it can trigger the sights and sounds and smells of being a young kid in my family at xmas.  We had such a nice family and I had such a nice childhood.  My parents weren't religious, but my mom was an awesome baker and made the best cookies, especially at xmas and easter.  My mom made tons of ornaments for our tree; I still have a few.  Going to the midnight service when we were young was so magical, because how often do little kids get to go out late at night, in the snow, and get to play with a lit candle?  On the way home, my dad would drive us around so we could look at xmas lights.  My parents were a great combination of agnostic and "hey, let's make a lot of cookies and enjoy the pretty lights, put up a tree and go to the candlelight service!"  

 

So when I hear the traditional xmas songs, I get very teary.  I remember my parents and our xmases.  Those are MY memories and nobody and nothing can take them away.  I remember them fondly and I enjoy what I feel, which is very bittersweet.  No religion or lack of religion can touch my memories.  To me, it has nothing to do with religion, it has everything to do with my memories and my very sweet childhood.

[Sissi]

Dear Margee,

 

First of all thank you for all you are doing on this site and it is very encouraging. But as all of us, you can't forget you are also dealing with your ex christian life. There is time when we are ok and time when something brings us back in the past. I understand your feeling because this is what I feel when I listen to some past worship song that I used to sing with all my heart in my Church. Sometimes on youtube I listen to them again, it gives me joy but it also makes me sad because all the words have non sense. I know that life is so different, so many christians who once trust God have been so disappointed. This is probably this point that makes me suffering too. We proclaim a kind of God in the songs but we know that life shows another reality. God is not so almighty, most of us had unanswered prayers, and faith is something not real.

 

I think we all lived our past christian life so intensely and then as soon we started deconverting we have been confronted with the reality. Our dream was not true and unfortunately a lie. We believed a lie so many years, we all used to serve the Lord like a mission that really kept our mind busy, busy when praying or reading the bible, the Lord was in all our conversations with our friends and family. I also noticed how the emotion was really a big part of our brainwashing and we just need time to recover. The path is not easy, we need a lot of fierce determination every day, regarding myself I started being an ex christian  in 2006 and then I returned to my past christian life and then I go out again. Deconverting can be a long process, and our emotions need Healing. Take care of you Margee :-) and one again thank you ! We also want to take care of you and we all know this difficult path to be free.

[Margee]

Music definitely triggers memories.  Xmas music is so specific, too, as for me, it can trigger the sights and sounds and smells of being a young kid in my family at xmas.  We had such a nice family and I had such a nice childhood.  My parents weren't religious, but my mom was an awesome baker and made the best cookies, especially at xmas and easter.  My mom made tons of ornaments for our tree; I still have a few.  Going to the midnight service when we were young was so magical, because how often do little kids get to go out late at night, in the snow, and get to play with a lit candle?  On the way home, my dad would drive us around so we could look at xmas lights.  My parents were a great combination of agnostic and "hey, let's make a lot of cookies and enjoy the pretty lights, put up a tree and go to the candlelight service!"  

 

So when I hear the traditional xmas songs, I get very teary.  I remember my parents and our xmases.  Those are MY memories and nobody and nothing can take them away.  I remember them fondly and I enjoy what I feel, which is very bittersweet.  No religion or lack of religion can touch my memories.  To me, it has nothing to do with religion, it has everything to do with my memories and my very sweet childhood.

 

amateur, thanks for responding hon. My gawd, your story sounds like mine when I was a young girl. Christmas was soooo exciting at our house. I have to say that Mom and Dad before they divorced, did everything in their power to make a good Christmas for me and my sister. The lights, the Christmas concerts that my sister and I always sang duets, the picking out the tree and dad coming home to shimmy out the truck of the tree to place branches in because the tree had so many bare spots. Lol (they didn't have 'perfect' x-mas trees back then!!)

 

My mom and dad were both singers and dancers and they would put the x-mas music on and have a few drinks and we would watch them dance in the living room by the tree. I would lose my breath because I got sooo excited. They would make me hyper then tell me to calm down!!! Lol 

 

One of the biggest problems I have had to battle are my emotions. I was perfect for Pentecostalism. The perfect personality. The church got so high at times, you could swing from the chandeliers and then 1,000 of us would be kneeing at the alter crying, begging god to forgive us for the sins we committed during the week. That church never helped me to learn how to balance myself at all. you were either high or low. They should have called it the Bipolar Church.

 

Now I am finally after all these years concentrating on balancing myself. I get let down really easy also. I'm trying so hard not to have all these high expectations in life that make me miserable. Getting triggered for me is a set back because I am learning very slowly to accepts life on life's terms.

 

I loved how you used the word bittersweet.....that is such a PERFECT word to describe life. Bittersweet life.... that it is....

 

Thanks hon so much for your input! Best of everything to you in 2014. *hug*

[Margee]

Dear Margee,

 

First of all thank you for all you are doing on this site and it is very encouraging. But as all of us, you can't forget you are also dealing with your ex christian life. There is time when we are ok and time when something brings us back in the past. I understand your feeling because this is what I feel when I listen to some past worship song that I used to sing with all my heart in my Church. Sometimes on youtube I listen to them again, it gives me joy but it also makes me sad because all the words have non sense. I know that life is so different, so many christians who once trust God have been so disappointed. This is probably this point that makes me suffering too. We proclaim a kind of God in the songs but we know that life shows another reality. God is not so almighty, most of us had unanswered prayers, and faith is something not real.

 

I think we all lived our past christian life so intensely and then as soon we started deconverting we have been confronted with the reality. Our dream was not true and unfortunately a lie. We believed a lie so many years, we all used to serve the Lord like a mission that really kept our mind busy, busy when praying or reading the bible, the Lord was in all our conversations with our friends and family. I also noticed how the emotion was really a big part of our brainwashing and we just need time to recover. The path is not easy, we need a lot of fierce determination every day, regarding myself I started being an ex christian  in 2006 and then I returned to my past christian life and then I go out again. Deconverting can be a long process, and our emotions need Healing. Take care of you Margee :-) and one again thank you ! We also want to take care of you and we all know this difficult path to be free.

 

Sissi, what a beautiful response. Thank you so much for that. You are right to remind me that no matter how far I've come, I can still get triggered. You know Sissi, I was so far from being a perfect Christian. I continually felt that I let god down. I may have not been the perfect christian, but I really believed in god. I may have  had a lot of questions about the bible but I really believed in jesus. Jesus was my hero. He was going to explain it all to me in person some day IF I made it into heaven..that is!! Lol

 

I hate lies. I've been let down in my life so many times because someone lied to me. To find out that god was a lie was devastating. I trust nothing today. Nothing. I try to live with this fact that I do not trust. It has stolen a part of the naïve person I used to be. Trusting was big for me. I hate that I don't have trust. I may never have it again and I have to learn to live with this. There is a very bitter lady who lives inside of me. I try to constantly be aware of this because I have become quite cynical in my older years and I don't want to take it out on anybody. I'm hoping so much to soften up again.

 

Thank you for reminding me that this is a process and that I am doing pretty good so far. You're a gem to me today my dear friend. Best of everything to you this coming new year!

[Positivist]

I know what you're saying. I see it now as just another myth about which we can sing. The Xian myth has inspired much great music. (So has Lord of the Rings--just not as singable or as well-known). Enjoy the music; mythology is part of being human! 

[duderonomy]

 

Margee,  I understand about Christmas music. I understand about music in general.

 

When I used to play out, I knew that one must play to whatever the emotion of the crowd is. If they are moody, play something moody. If they are in a jovial mood, play something jovial. Slowly, song by song, you could take a big room full of people and make them feel the same mood you feel, just by leading them. What power I felt doing that!

 

One of my best friends came over today. He brought me a huge amount of food from his Christmas Day Feast.  Funny, because about two weeks ago we told each other that we weren't Christians anymore.

.

He's a musician too. The last time we played in public was at his pentecostal church New Year's Eve, 1999. Yes the prince song went through my head, but I quickly quashed it. It was my last "gig" of the twentieth century. Today we sang a bit of "Silent Night". We got to the part where Jesus, at like a few minutes old laid down his sweet head. Nobody was supporting this infants neck?

 

Margee, will you cyber-marry me? There I said it.

 

duderonomy, thanks for responding hon. What kind of music do you play? Did you play in the churches for a long time?

 

 What you say about music is very true. Thanks for reminding me. I grew up in a very musical family and have sung at weddings, etc.. since I was a little girl. My mom was a very well known piano player in our area. As a matter of fact, Anne Murray used to fill in when Mom's band would take a break. Lol

 

 I have mentioned this story a few times on Ex-c where I had a dream come true at the very end of my Christian walk. I have been a wanna-be-blues singer forever. I used to sing a lot at church using accompaniment tapes. They were always 'bluesee' music.

 

The last church I went to had a band called 'Good News Blues' and the lead guitarist was a born again x druggie who could play like Carlos Santana. (who is my favorite singer and performer in the world!) He even looked like Carlos!! I thought I had died and gone to heaven listening to him Sunday after Sunday. One day he was sitting right behind me and heard me singing. I was 'high' in the spirit so I was 'bellowing' out the song. After  the song was finished he came over to me and said, 'Girl, I want you in my band'.....   I sang with them for a year and it was one of the best years of my life. Not because of church, but because I was finally singing in a blues band!! I remember one Sunday singing, 'Falling in love with Jesus' and people were 'falling out in the spirit'.

I couldn't believe how this song effected people although every time I sang it, I would start crying and that would affect the crowd even more!!!  (This is Stevie Wonders' version of it)....start at 1:50 mark http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXSicAvB_c0   It is amazing the impact that music can have.

 

We did a concert one summer and I have been trying to get a copy of it because I would love to post it for my friends to see on Ex-c...Margee singin' the blues....Lol

 

I feel a lot better today. I'm back to being a cranky atheist....  Lol

 

...you are too adorable! I woke up to a proposal of cyber-marriage?    Made my whole day!!

By the way, before I cyber-marry you - are you a nice guy??   Lol

 

 

 

Yes, I'm a nice guy. Let's find a cyber justice of the peace, baby.

 

I'd even throw myself in front of a bus to make sure that this thread of yours, got bumped to the top.