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Goodbye Jesus

Does Anyone Else Never Really Want To See Their Extended Family Again?


Prometheus

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I feel like I should feel bad for asking this question.  It makes me sound like an indecent person.  But I don't.  I really don't feel bad for asking it.

 

When all is said and done, I feel like my local family, and my extended family by proxy, have in some ways been the biggest roadblock to success in my life.  I feel like my mental health somewhat hinges on maintaining total disconnection and detachment from them.

 

At family events, weddings, etc., I always feel like I don't belong.  Like no one really wants to see me or talk to me.  Like I'm the "bad kid" that left a stain on the entire extended family full of cousins and aunts and uncles and grandchildren.  Which is absolutely A-OK with me—it just means that I don't really have any desire to attend family reunions of any sort.

 

Every single gathering of my extended family involves a significant amount of prayer, theological discussion, and church-going.  It's simply not my life.  When I'm in their presence, I feel like a lesser-than.  My self esteem didn't start developing until I disconnected from them.

 

The longer I go without any contact with my extended family, the happier, more capable, and more fulfilled of a person I consider myself to be.

 

I've even gone so far as to stop going by my first name, and start going by my middle name—not in a direct attempt to disengage from my extended family, but in an attempt to use my new name as a clean symbol to attach my new, happier life without all of the horrible connotations my old name carried—it was a very Bible-y name—Imagine if you had been named Boaz or Jeremiah and you might understand how I felt for 24 years.  It'd be like a Muslim changing his name from Mohammed to Mike.  My immediate family, however, outright refuses call me by my middle name, which I think is really unfair.  They don't take me seriously.

 

Am I behaving unethically?  I love my extended family and hope nothing bad ever happens to them, but I just don't belong.  It's unhealthy.

 

Any comments or advice?

 

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I think it's fine. many animals grow up to be mature adults, and never see their parents or extended family again.... As long as you have other healthy personal relationships in your life, they are better than unhealthy "family" relationships.

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Do what you have to do …

 

I assume you've already tried staying close to them through means outside of religion and it didn't work. It sounds like you're already severed from them emotionally, and if you feel they're not meeting you halfway, it's probably mutual.

 

My advice is if there's a way you can do this without burning the bridge forever or starting a war, take it. Just be ready to defend yourself if someone unexpectedly retaliates, calls to berate you, whatever.

 

Hopefully (if you would want this) one or more people will genuinely reach out to you just wanting to be family. Maybe not now, but eventually.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

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You don't sound unethical or indecent to me.  Nationalism is loving whatever country you were born in because you were born into it.  Doesn't make much sense when you think about it.  Well there are bad families out there too.  Those who are unfortunate to be born with bad relatives shouldn't be ashamed to move on.

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Nope. Biological connections are completely irrelevant (until the will is read).

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You've outgrown them, clearly, though I'd at least communicate this message to them so that they know why you have to leave and also what they would have to do should they wish to maintain a healthy relationship with you.

 

Ignoring your request to use your middle name is a snub, especially if you have made it clear that its usage hurts you as it remind you of the lies you were told about reality that you now know are not true, as well as whatever affect or cost it may have had on you.

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Your choice makes better-than-perfect sense to me, Prometheus.

 

If being around your family leaves you feeling like an outsider, than you already are an outsider and might as well enjoy the liberating aspects of acknowledging and living by that fact. You've already discovered that.

 

I don't know about your family in particular, but many dysfunctional families will choose a scapegoat -- somebody to shun and blame for all manner of things that go wrong, including problems whose causes clearly (to an outside observer) lie elsewhere. If scapegoating is in operation in your family, then you merely enable the sickness by sticking around and "agreeing" to be blamed.

 

Walking away, even changing names, can be the greatest imaginable liberation, even as it feels like a bizarre and heartless thing to do. This I know from experience.

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I've lost touch with my extended family, and it's no big deal.  Growing up, my parents were great, but they were never very close to their siblings, and I understood why (mainly just oddness, but also everybody's scattered all over the country).  All my grandparents died when I was very young, and my parents are both gone now.  Most of my aunts and uncles are gone, but the ones that are still alive I've had next to no contact with in close to 30 years (I saw one set of aunt/uncle twice in those 30 years, and another once).  I was never close to any of my cousins, as they were either much older or much younger than me, so there's never been contact there, and I have no clue where in the country any of them are, or even who's died (the last I heard, a couple cousins died about ten years ago, so I guess more have followed).  Growing up, I never once experienced a big family party or family holiday, with the exception of funerals (my family was very old, so we went to lots of funerals when I was a kid) and a couple weddings.

 

Anyway, in my opinion and from my background, I never understand why anyone would keep talking to family (or anyone) that they don't like or get along with or makes them feel miserable consistently.

 

Can't you just be really "busy" every time a big event comes up, and send sorrowful regrets?  Since I don't know how families work when it comes to that, I might be way off.  Or move thousands of miles away?  My only sister was 3,000 miles away from me for 12 years, and is now about 5,000 miles away, so I certainly wouldn't expect her to show up for any event at my house.

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I've always felt like an outsider within my immediate family.  I accepted at a young age that religion was more important to my parents than I was.  Mom always pit my brother and I against each other as children so we got used to being constantly at war with one another.  Eventually, he and I parted ways and I've got little use for him.  I also wasn't able to hang out with my cousins growing up because they were Lutheran and as such "not true christians".  I'm closer to my cousins now because I have made an effort in my adult life.

 

Once I left church, I didn't really see my parents much anymore, even though they lived next door to me.  Even after my son was born, they hardly came to visit.  Eventually, I moved away and now I hardly ever see them.  They visit us; we visit them.  But ultimately I have little use for them, now.  Their religion is still more important than me and now they've made it clear that it is more important than their grandson.

 

If you walk away, do it without shame.  At the end of the day, we get what we choose in this life.  My parents chose religion over family; now they have religion without a family.

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I hear ya.

 

My religious and political views are 180 from the majority of my family and I have pissed off more than a few when rebutting their anonymously written politically/religiously tainted urban legend emails.

 

It's funny, they feel they have a right to broadcast such nonsense but get offended when you send them peer reviewed evidence to the contrary.

 

Regardless of them being "family" or "blood".......... I just simply don't need it.

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Members of my blood family have written me off and won't have anything to do with me as it is. So have extended family members. They all don't seem to have any compunctions about it.

If your family is toxic to you, get away from them. It may hurt at first, but you will be better off over the long run.

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I feel like I should feel bad for asking this question.  It makes me sound like an indecent person.  But I don't.  I really don't feel bad for asking it.

 

When all is said and done, I feel like my local family, and my extended family by proxy, have in some ways been the biggest roadblock to success in my life.  I feel like my mental health somewhat hinges on maintaining total disconnection and detachment from them.

 

At family events, weddings, etc., I always feel like I don't belong.  Like no one really wants to see me or talk to me.  Like I'm the "bad kid" that left a stain on the entire extended family full of cousins and aunts and uncles and grandchildren.  Which is absolutely A-OK with me—it just means that I don't really have any desire to attend family reunions of any sort.

 

Every single gathering of my extended family involves a significant amount of prayer, theological discussion, and church-going.  It's simply not my life.  When I'm in their presence, I feel like a lesser-than.  My self esteem didn't start developing until I disconnected from them.

 

The longer I go without any contact with my extended family, the happier, more capable, and more fulfilled of a person I consider myself to be.

 

I've even gone so far as to stop going by my first name, and start going by my middle name—not in a direct attempt to disengage from my extended family, but in an attempt to use my new name as a clean symbol to attach my new, happier life without all of the horrible connotations my old name carried—it was a very Bible-y name—Imagine if you had been named Boaz or Jeremiah and you might understand how I felt for 24 years.  It'd be like a Muslim changing his name from Mohammed to Mike.  My immediate family, however, outright refuses call me by my middle name, which I think is really unfair.  They don't take me seriously.

 

Am I behaving unethically?  I love my extended family and hope nothing bad ever happens to them, but I just don't belong.  It's unhealthy.

 

Any comments or advice?

Hi, I guess we share a similar culture about family value that family is important

I suggest you to keep some distance and not just cut your relationship with your family

I understand you have to endure some conversation or question but you, as an adult, can choose which one will be least annoying 

 

and for name, since it is impossible for them to call you by your middle name, it is possible for them to call you by "nickname"?

I have a friend in thailand and her family call her nong (little sister) as she is the youngest

maybe you can start with something similar like that rather than middle name (I don't know what is your rank and the common nickname for your rank) 

I expect it is less awkward than calling your middle name

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I feel like I should feel bad for asking this question.  It makes me sound like an indecent person.  But I don't.  I really don't feel bad for asking it.

 

When all is said and done, I feel like my local family, and my extended family by proxy, have in some ways been the biggest roadblock to success in my life.  I feel like my mental health somewhat hinges on maintaining total disconnection and detachment from them.

 

At family events, weddings, etc., I always feel like I don't belong.  Like no one really wants to see me or talk to me.  Like I'm the "bad kid" that left a stain on the entire extended family full of cousins and aunts and uncles and grandchildren.  Which is absolutely A-OK with me—it just means that I don't really have any desire to attend family reunions of any sort.

 

Every single gathering of my extended family involves a significant amount of prayer, theological discussion, and church-going.  It's simply not my life.  When I'm in their presence, I feel like a lesser-than.  My self esteem didn't start developing until I disconnected from them.

 

The longer I go without any contact with my extended family, the happier, more capable, and more fulfilled of a person I consider myself to be.

 

I've even gone so far as to stop going by my first name, and start going by my middle name—not in a direct attempt to disengage from my extended family, but in an attempt to use my new name as a clean symbol to attach my new, happier life without all of the horrible connotations my old name carried—it was a very Bible-y name—Imagine if you had been named Boaz or Jeremiah and you might understand how I felt for 24 years.  It'd be like a Muslim changing his name from Mohammed to Mike.  My immediate family, however, outright refuses call me by my middle name, which I think is really unfair.  They don't take me seriously.

 

Am I behaving unethically?  I love my extended family and hope nothing bad ever happens to them, but I just don't belong.  It's unhealthy.

 

Any comments or advice?

 

A wild child friend of mine changed her name to something different because she felt the old name represented the many mistakes and stupidity of her younger years and wanted to be separate from that because she was now older and wiser. Maybe it's a good idea. If your family doesn't take you seriously you really don't have to go visit them. I didn't visit my parents that often because I didn't really like being treated like a child and I have my own life. If you don't like the churchy crap then don't visit them often. Make sure you stay in a hotel when you do visit them.

 

Unfortunately we are named by our parents. One of my children prefers her middle name and so that's what we call her. A friend of a friend went thru like two name changes (adopted different variations of nicknames of the original name) I am aware of and settled on one finally. :-)

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no I am quite content not to see them.I have had very little contact over past 20 yrs and its gotten less and less as the years have gone by.Everyone can change but I still have no desire to see them,they are worse than Christians.

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Thanks for the replies everyone.  It's pretty validating to hear that I'm not really being a horrible person feeling this way.  I just have a MASSIVE guilt complex and I feel guilty for being alive most of the time.  But that's another issue.

 

 

I suggest you to keep some distance and not just cut your relationship with your family

I understand you have to endure some conversation or question but you, as an adult, can choose which one will be least annoying 

 

and for name, since it is impossible for them to call you by your middle name, it is possible for them to call you by "nickname"?

I have a friend in thailand and her family call her nong (little sister) as she is the youngest

maybe you can start with something similar like that rather than middle name (I don't know what is your rank and the common nickname for your rank) 

I expect it is less awkward than calling your middle name

 

 

 

Yes, here in Thailand the nickname is very common, but I don't want to create a nickname, just my middle name will do.  I never really had any nicknames growing up.

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It's sad times for christianity to have infiltrated even Thai culture :'(

 

And the Philippines, oh the Philippines :(

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Nope. Biological connections are completely irrelevant (until the will is read).

 

If one has enough to live without the inheritance, even the reading of the will isn't that important. My dad managed to reach out from the grave by leaving scripture verses of admonition in his will. I wasn't there to hear the reading and I don't regret it. I was given a slip of paper with the references on them and never felt so good as when I ripped them into the tiniest bits I could shred them. I felt FREE!

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