The Journey, So Far....

[Woodsy]

I've been reading alot on this site and am amazed at all the stories of people who have suffered like I did over the years. I'm thankful to have found that I am not alone. I have run the gamut of emotions from sheer joy to sheer panic at having given up on christianity.  And right now I am numb.  I remember Margee saying that she tried to find another god/religion to believe in right after she left the faith.  I think that's what I'm doing now. I need to find something that fills that gaping hole inside.  But, other than all of you here, there is nothing.  And, like I said, I feel numb.  I go over the last 7 months and am amazed at what all has happened. I keep thinking that, at 65, I have made life changing decisions that have literally rocked my world. And I think how stupid I've been for believing that way I did for so long.  My indoctrination as a child into Roman Catholicism has left irreparable scars. I still suffer from a mindset of being an insignificant little person who cannot think for herself.  I cannot make my own decisions, I always have to ask someone else what they think.  I always need the acceptance of others just to be able to breathe and function.  Maybe, at this stage of my life, I cannot change.  Maybe the brain washing has worked so good in me, that this is as good as it gets.  

[Geezer]

I am little older than you and I was a Christian, the fundamentalist extremist version, for 40+ years. What you are experiencing now is a normal part of the process. I turned to Deism after walking away from Christianity, but that lasted less than a year.

 

 

Honestly, for me, and many others, the key is to continue to read and study material that confirms there is no such thing as a supernatural deity. There is no historical Jesus and if history is correct the gospels are myths.

 

 

Yahweh, according to history, was the son of El a Canaanite tribal war god. Eventually Yahweh was perceived as the head of all the other gods. In other words Yahweh is a myth.

 

 

I would recommend Karen Armstrong’s book “A History of God” as a must read for those who are in the process of de-converting.

 

 

It gets better and easier with the passing of time. Honestly, for me, leaving Christianity was like getting out of prison. No more fear of hell or being eternally tortured for simply being a human being. Once you conquer your fears, and I promise you that you will, you will begin to enjoy your new found freedom, but all of that doesn't happen over night. You are aware that you were brainwashed. It takes times to be de-programmed. De-converting is essentially the same thing as leaving a cult and make no mistake about it Christianity is a cult.

 

Hang in there, it will get better.

[slave2six]

Maybe the brain washing has worked so good in me, that this is as good as it gets.  

 

No darling. It gets far better. You have undergone a huge trauma and major surgery. You happen to be in the ICU recovery room, wondering if you'll ever walk again. Getting up and exercising the muscles that were affected by the trauma/surgery hurts like hell but as you use them more and more, they get stronger until one day you find yourself walking outside on your own.

 

Don't feel bad for feeling as bad as you feel right now. You are simply in recovery. It is by no means the end of your journey.

 

As I write this, I smile thinking about how you will be helping others in the future who are going to go through the same thing. Dear heart, this is only the beginning for you.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Woodsy, I hope you will be able to realize one day soon that the "hole" does not really exist.  You were convinced as part of your indoctrination that there would be a hole in your life that only god could fill.  The emptiness you feel, while real, is actually just life as it really is.  Now you have the choice to fill that emptiness with anything you want.  All the time you used to spend at church, reading the bible, and praying: now you get to spend it all on things you enjoy like spending time with friends and family.

 

This, too, shall pass, Woodsy.  You'll be fine; just hang in there.  And hang out here.

[Margee]

Well girlfriend, I see the gang has already jumped in with their fantastic words of wisdom. I can't add a lot more except to say that I also have a 'vacuum' inside of me that may never go away. I am just learning to accept it as part of life. I fill that vacuum up, as The Professor already stated, with other interests, but I still have that yucky feeling inside me right now which I hope I can change eventually. (there's always hope!!) 

 

I have also just become an atheist recently so I am hoping in time that that feeling will go away. I love Magical thinking. I love fairy tales with happy endings. I've had to face the fact that the happy ending of 'rejoicing' in heaven with all my loved ones is not going to happen. That's probably my biggest hurtle to get over. I've had to re-grieve all these people...mom, dad, my sister, my best friends..... None of it is easy. Who the heck likes a lot of change at our ages? I don't. I hate change. I always want everything to stay the way it was..(the good times anyway... ) Re-read what Slave, Professor and Geezer had to say again. When I posted on here, I read the replies  dozens of times and more....

 

We're right here for ya darlin'.......Just keep putting all your thoughts, worries and concerns down on a post. It helps us all! You're going to make it! Get out there and laugh at something today!! (that's what florduh told me to do!! Lol)

 

Big *hug* for you today!

[falemon]

I feel that having spent so long under a regime that trains us to follow a leader and to consult our leader in all of our major decisions it is easy for life to feel strange when you are now in a position to go your own way.

 

It's a new muscle to exercise, and like any other form of exercise it might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but after enough reps you will find it is a thrilling experience. What once was pain is now an exciting release of endorphins and dopamine until you crave nothing more than to express your freedom as a human being.

 

I can't give you advice, no, but I wish you well

[midniterider]

I've been reading alot on this site and am amazed at all the stories of people who have suffered like I did over the years. I'm thankful to have found that I am not alone. I have run the gamut of emotions from sheer joy to sheer panic at having given up on christianity.  And right now I am numb.  I remember Margee saying that she tried to find another god/religion to believe in right after she left the faith.  I think that's what I'm doing now. I need to find something that fills that gaping hole inside.  But, other than all of you here, there is nothing.  And, like I said, I feel numb.  I go over the last 7 months and am amazed at what all has happened. I keep thinking that, at 65, I have made life changing decisions that have literally rocked my world. And I think how stupid I've been for believing that way I did for so long.  My indoctrination as a child into Roman Catholicism has left irreparable scars. I still suffer from a mindset of being an insignificant little person who cannot think for herself.  I cannot make my own decisions, I always have to ask someone else what they think.  I always need the acceptance of others just to be able to breathe and function.  Maybe, at this stage of my life, I cannot change.  Maybe the brain washing has worked so good in me, that this is as good as it gets.  

 

If you have asked God what you should do next, you were really relying on yourself. God is yourself in disguise. And even though you ask others opinions its still you being the final decider of what you actually do. I used to not have any confidence. I thought confident people made more correct choices because of their inherent confidence. Then I saw confident people making mistakes and discovered confidence is just a state of mind. You just make a decision to do something and do it. Most of the time the decisions we make aren't that terribly life changing if things don't work out. The other part of decision making is realizing you don't have control of all the variables of a situation so your decision may only influence something slightly, or not at all. :-)

 

Regarding the hole. Embrace the hole, it is an amazing area of potential. You could fill the hole with many different things. I keep telling my wife we should join the bowling league but to no avail. :-) There are many different things that could fill the hole. Think about different passions you may have and begin to fill your life with them.

[Woodsy]

Oohhhh, you guys are the best!  I have never had a group of people care for me this much.  In the church I just left, NO ONE has called to ask what happened.  So much for the church!

 

THANK YOU....from the bottom of my old heart!  I'll be  re-reading all of this and will respond to each of you.  You don't know how good this feels.....I hope I can describe it to you someday! 

 

Sending bunches of hugs!!!

[Geezer]

Woodsy, I’m convinced it is vitally import for people who have recently walked away from their religion to understand de-conversion is a process not an event. Unlike traditional Christian teaching this change isn’t going to happen in the blink of an eye.

 

This journey will take years not months, weeks, or days to process all the garbage that has been dumped into your brain. And it takes re-education. De-conversion, unlike Christianity, isn’t an emotional decision. It’s an intellectual decision that is based on accurate historical information, logic, reason, and science.

 

No one’s heart can determine truth. Your mind is the real truth detector and for it to work properly it has to be educated and trained with factual information not mucked up with myths, legends, and folklore disguised as truth. De-conversion takes time and usually a lot of time. Once you understand that the journey you’re on will become significantly easier. Expect doubt and uncertainty to be part of your de-conversion experience. Expect it so you can be prepared for it. When those times come get a good book that deals with the de-conversion process and read it to reinforce what you know is true.

 

The beliefs you acquired though indoctrination must be replaced with factual information if you are going to successfully complete your journey.

 

Like the Nike commercial says, “Just do it!”  

[milesaway]

Oohhhh, you guys are the best!  I have never had a group of people care for me this much.  In the church I just left, NO ONE has called to ask what happened.  So much for the church!

 

THANK YOU....from the bottom of my old heart!  I'll be  re-reading all of this and will respond to each of you.  You don't know how good this feels.....I hope I can describe it to you someday! 

 

Sending bunches of hugs!!!

 

And they won't call to ask you what happened. If you do get a call, it'll probably be a month or so after the fact, and it won't be out of legitimate concern for you. It's because they've realized they lost a valuable asset, and they'll try to win you back any way they can. That, or if the people you dealt with were as untrustworthy as the ones I dealt with, it'll be to fish for gossip for them to spread around. Let the cognitive dissonance your departure caused for them bring their world crashing down around them. They probably took you for granted a lot anyways. Serves 'em right.

 

Their lack of concern for you has nothing to do with you. It's times like this you find out exactly how selfish churchies can be. They're too wrapped up in themselves and their delusions to really care about anyone else. I wrote about the phone calls I got from a few people at the church I visited for awhile and left about a year ago. One was only to fish for gossip to spread around, the other was an ugly guilt trip to get me to come back, and the third one was to recruit me for some stupid choir at a church I never heard of. It was too little, too late.

 

I give a damn. We give a damn. What matters is you got out, and you'll get through this. We're here for you.

[RipVanWinkle]

"I always have to ask someone else what they think.  I always need the acceptance of others just to be able to breathe and function.  Maybe, at this stage of my life, I cannot change.  Maybe the brain washing has worked so good in me, that this is as good as it gets."  Woodsy

 

Yes you can change. You are a lot smarter than you think you are. And a whole lo smarter than the Xtians salespeople want you to know. Believe me I make no claim to having a great brain, or anywhere close to that. But it is really simple so that it only took me about 20 years or so to work it through.(I'm only half kidding.)

 

It has been said here many times by a number of members that self education in Xtian history, bible critical analysis, bible history, evolution, the basics of science, comparative religion and so on will supplant that xtian garbage crammed down your throat when you were young. Make self education a daily diet at your own pace.It will work wonders. And you don't have to make yourself an expert in these fields. A basic understanding will be enough, but you can learn much more if you want. I just purchased a book entitled, "Caught in the Pulpit" that was published this very month, written by Daniel C. Dennett and Linda 

LaScola, You can get it from Amazon. It consists of interviews and comments with current and former pastors about their beliefs and former beliefs. It is very informative and eye opening and right up to date.

 

You need to replace and overwhelm the trash stored in your brain which is keeping you off balance, It will work if you stay with it for however long it requires for you. And keep coming to this site. Relax and take your time. There is no bugey man looking over your shoulder.    bill

[slave2six]

Oohhhh, you guys are the best!  I have never had a group of people care for me this much.  In the church I just left, NO ONE has called to ask what happened.  So much for the church!  THANK YOU....from the bottom of my old heart!  I'll be  re-reading all of this and will respond to each of you.  You don't know how good this feels.....I hope I can describe it to you someday! 

 

I know how you feel. I didn't find Ex-C until well after I had deconverted. To find a group of caring people who truly understood what I had gone through was an immeasurable comfort.

 

You remark about the church. Yeah. Same here. Only one person from our church stuck with me and that was largely because he and I confronted the leadership together and found them to be wanting. He went Orthodox. I went the painful route. We are still lose friends. I am glad of that. Everyone else? Well, you know.

 

We were told as Christians that we had to "count the cost" and "take up your cross" but even though I thought I knew what that meant, I didn't truly understand until I left the faith. What it costs to be a Christian? Nothing, really. Not in America. The cost of leaving Christianity? Everything. But the gain is so worth it.

 

If those people had a clue how difficult this road is, if they understood the trauma that we undergo because of our decision to take up our own mantle of responsibility, then perhaps they would be kinder to us. But they have no context for understanding. I pity them all. Even the trolls who come into our house to pick a fight with us.

 

I'm very glad to have this community as well. I have never known a better group of people. I am so glad you found us! You belong here. Please don't ever feel like you are bothering us or that you shouldn't share your troubles. We'll always be here to support you (and to tell you if you're being ridiculous). 

[Woodsy]

Oh, my....there is so much I want to say to each of you.  To Geezer, who is close in age, thanks for the practical advice to keep learning and read books that will help in my deconversion.  I see it now, it is a process, not a one-time shot. I will be patient and learn and JUST DO IT! To dear Slave2Six, thank you for that picture of the ICU recovery room that I'm in.  Makes so much sense and helps me to visualize where I am.  And for your encouraging words that it's only going to get better.  To my darlin' Margee, who shares alot of my struggle, we are very much alike, sweetie.  Yeah, change at this age, sucks, but oh, it has its joys as well. Thanks for understanding and for your hugs.  To Falemon (James Bond), thanks for showing me that this pain I'm feeling is good and I need to keep pushing past it.  Good will come of it. To Midniterider, thanks for "make a decision to do something, then do it!" Now I need to find my passion to fill up the hole, and DO IT. To Milesaway, thanks for giving a damn and for being there for me.  To Bill, I almost cried when you told me that I'm smarter than I think I am.  I was always told the opposite.  And for your encouragement to replace all the trash in my brain.....I'm ready to do that and I know I can with everyone's help here.  

 

I'll be sticking around here for a long time and, I hope like S2S said, to be able to help someone else in the future.  I LOVE YOU ALL!!

[Blood]

I've been reading alot on this site and am amazed at all the stories of people who have suffered like I did over the years. I'm thankful to have found that I am not alone. I have run the gamut of emotions from sheer joy to sheer panic at having given up on christianity.  And right now I am numb.  I remember Margee saying that she tried to find another god/religion to believe in right after she left the faith.  I think that's what I'm doing now. I need to find something that fills that gaping hole inside.  But, other than all of you here, there is nothing.  And, like I said, I feel numb.  I go over the last 7 months and am amazed at what all has happened. I keep thinking that, at 65, I have made life changing decisions that have literally rocked my world. And I think how stupid I've been for believing that way I did for so long.  My indoctrination as a child into Roman Catholicism has left irreparable scars. I still suffer from a mindset of being an insignificant little person who cannot think for herself.  I cannot make my own decisions, I always have to ask someone else what they think.  I always need the acceptance of others just to be able to breathe and function.  Maybe, at this stage of my life, I cannot change.  Maybe the brain washing has worked so good in me, that this is as good as it gets.  

 

You've made the first major breakthrough, by realizing that you were indoctrinated into a cult. A really, really big cult, but a cult nonetheless. Congratulate yourself for that, because that cult (and society at large) throws up every possible barrier to prevent you from making that frightening realization. 

 

I predict that the next phase in your wonderful journey is the incredible freedom that comes with the realization that you do not have a gaping hole inside you! You don't need to "fill" that "hole" (which only exists in your mind) with anything. Nothing is wrong with you. It's the church cult that teaches people, "Without us, you are nothing." But without you, they are nothing. They have no power without your consent. You are the one in control. Take charge!

[slave2six]

We love you too sweetie. 2014 is going to be an amazing year for you.

[M4rio]

Congratulations woodsy, and Happy 2014!

[Woodsy]

 

I've been reading alot on this site and am amazed at all the stories of people who have suffered like I did over the years. I'm thankful to have found that I am not alone. I have run the gamut of emotions from sheer joy to sheer panic at having given up on christianity.  And right now I am numb.  I remember Margee saying that she tried to find another god/religion to believe in right after she left the faith.  I think that's what I'm doing now. I need to find something that fills that gaping hole inside.  But, other than all of you here, there is nothing.  And, like I said, I feel numb.  I go over the last 7 months and am amazed at what all has happened. I keep thinking that, at 65, I have made life changing decisions that have literally rocked my world. And I think how stupid I've been for believing that way I did for so long.  My indoctrination as a child into Roman Catholicism has left irreparable scars. I still suffer from a mindset of being an insignificant little person who cannot think for herself.  I cannot make my own decisions, I always have to ask someone else what they think.  I always need the acceptance of others just to be able to breathe and function.  Maybe, at this stage of my life, I cannot change.  Maybe the brain washing has worked so good in me, that this is as good as it gets.  

 

You've made the first major breakthrough, by realizing that you were indoctrinated into a cult. A really, really big cult, but a cult nonetheless. Congratulate yourself for that, because that cult (and society at large) throws up every possible barrier to prevent you from making that frightening realization. 

 

I predict that the next phase in your wonderful journey is the incredible freedom that comes with the realization that you do not have a gaping hole inside you! You don't need to "fill" that "hole" (which only exists in your mind) with anything. Nothing is wrong with you. It's the church cult that teaches people, "Without us, you are nothing." But without you, they are nothing. They have no power without your consent. You are the one in control. Take charge!

 

Thank you, Blood, so much for this post.  I never realized that I don't need to fill that hole that doesn't really exist.  Ok, I can look at this differently and it's really good!  I've been searching for my "passion," my purpose.  I will look for the "incredible freedom" of not having a gaping hole to fill.  This is awesome stuff.....thanks, again!! 

[milesaway]

^That bit about the god-shaped hole is another self-serving means of manipulation they have in their sick arsenal. They pander to your insecurities and weaknesses, they create what they can't find, and they exploit it, just like what happens in an abusive relationship. Look at the power and control wheels, and you'll probably find heaps of similarities between an abusive relationship and the church environment. Treat this as such, and it may help you get through this as well.

 

Your purpose, passion, what have you is entirely your choosing, and to hell with anyone else that has something to say about it. Any spirituality from here on out is something you get to define for yourself.

[AlwaysNow]

I would like to repeat what I just posted on another thread because my reply there is applicable to you as well.  We've been living our lives directed by beliefs of all sorts and the ones that come from religious upbringing can be the most damaging.  Here is what I said in the other thread:

 

-----------------

 

"Here is something for you to consider - don't look for something to believe in.  Why?  Because there will always be that nagging suspicion or fear that you may be wrong about it.  You can't take what others claim is "true" because what makes them an expert?  How would they know for certain about any belief?  More than likely whatever they believe is something they have accepted from someone else as being true.  So, don't go chasing after beliefs.

 

"The only thing you can know for certain is that you exist.  What I suggest is that you become deeply familiar with just feeling the fact of your existence.  You are alive and aware, and that cannot be denied. Without resorting to any beliefs about what that means just rest in the feeling of the aliveness of being present in the here and now.  See what happens when you do this.  

 

"This doesn't require any speculation behind the meaning of it; all it requires is the conscious recognition of it.  Be consciously here, now, without agenda and without judgment.  Disregard any ideas about what may arise in the mind when doing this because they are nothing but thoughts, and those thoughts will take you on a "journey" based on your particular mental conditioning.  When you catch yourself drifting into thoughts/stories return to the conscious experience of the here and now and how it feels to simply experience your own existence/aliveness.  Do this as often as you can each day and see what happens."

 

--------------

 

It's time to look at our lives in a different way rather than take on a bunch of beliefs that cannot be proven to be true and that can serve to torment our minds and create fear.  It's that approach that enslaves us and ties us to organizations and ideas that manipulate our lives so that we lose track of who/what we really are.  Give yourself permission each day to simply be in this very moment, consciously present to the only fact that you can be certain of, the fact of your own existence.  That existence can only be felt here, now.  It is in the here and now that we are free of everything, including all the indoctrination we've been subjected to throughout our lives.  It's time to discover the freedom that is always present right now, without any distortion from religious/philosophical/spiritual thinking. Give it a try.  What've you got to lose except what has been enslaving you?

[Blood]

^That bit about the god-shaped hole is another self-serving means of manipulation they have in their sick arsenal. They pander to your insecurities and weaknesses, they create what they can't find, and they exploit it, just like what happens in an abusive relationship. Look at the power and control wheels, and you'll probably find heaps of similarities between an abusive relationship and the church environment. Treat this as such, and it may help you get through this as well.

 

Your purpose, passion, what have you is entirely your choosing, and to hell with anyone else that has something to say about it. Any spirituality from here on out is something you get to define for yourself.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself. It's an extension of the basic Christian philosophy that something is wrong with you just for being born. Since we're all born miserable sinners, God really should kill us all, but through his "grace," he lets us live. And they say atheism leads to nihilism! I can't think of any philosophy more depraved, dark, and soul-destroying than that. 

[Woodsy]

I would like to repeat what I just posted on another thread because my reply there is applicable to you as well.  We've been living our lives directed by beliefs of all sorts and the ones that come from religious upbringing can be the most damaging.  Here is what I said in the other thread:

 

-----------------

 

"Here is something for you to consider - don't look for something to believe in.  Why?  Because there will always be that nagging suspicion or fear that you may be wrong about it.  You can't take what others claim is "true" because what makes them an expert?  How would they know for certain about any belief?  More than likely whatever they believe is something they have accepted from someone else as being true.  So, don't go chasing after beliefs.

 

"The only thing you can know for certain is that you exist.  What I suggest is that you become deeply familiar with just feeling the fact of your existence.  You are alive and aware, and that cannot be denied. Without resorting to any beliefs about what that means just rest in the feeling of the aliveness of being present in the here and now.  See what happens when you do this.  

 

"This doesn't require any speculation behind the meaning of it; all it requires is the conscious recognition of it.  Be consciously here, now, without agenda and without judgment.  Disregard any ideas about what may arise in the mind when doing this because they are nothing but thoughts, and those thoughts will take you on a "journey" based on your particular mental conditioning.  When you catch yourself drifting into thoughts/stories return to the conscious experience of the here and now and how it feels to simply experience your own existence/aliveness.  Do this as often as you can each day and see what happens."

 

--------------

 

It's time to look at our lives in a different way rather than take on a bunch of beliefs that cannot be proven to be true and that can serve to torment our minds and create fear.  It's that approach that enslaves us and ties us to organizations and ideas that manipulate our lives so that we lose track of who/what we really are.  Give yourself permission each day to simply be in this very moment, consciously present to the only fact that you can be certain of, the fact of your own existence.  That existence can only be felt here, now.  It is in the here and now that we are free of everything, including all the indoctrination we've been subjected to throughout our lives.  It's time to discover the freedom that is always present right now, without any distortion from religious/philosophical/spiritual thinking. Give it a try.  What've you got to lose except what has been enslaving you?

Thanks.....funny, but just today I got the book by Eckhart Tolle called "The Power of Now" and I just started reading it and he talks about the here and now and being aware of that.  Interesting. 

[Pantophobia]

 

That bit about the god-shaped hole is another self-serving means of manipulation they have in their sick arsenal. They pander to your insecurities and weaknesses, they create what they can't find, and they exploit it, just like what happens in an abusive relationship. Look at the power and control wheels, and you'll probably find heaps of similarities between an abusive relationship and the church environment. Treat this as such, and it may help you get through this as well.

 

 

 

Once this clicked for me, it was the last thing I needed to walk away from Christianity. I'd been through abusive relationships when I was younger because, as a Christian (and as a woman), I believed that I needed to love and sacrifice, to be vulnerable and giving, and that I wasn't worth much because I was "a poor miserable sinner" etc. Then years of therapy helped me change that mindset and face those harmful teachings. When it finally twigged "Hey, how come if this was a friend or a romantic partner, I'd run screaming because I know it's abusive and unhealthy, but it's okay if it's God?!" I was able to shut off the last of the religious rhetoric for good. 

 

So, Woodsy, it's not "a hole" as others here have already said. It's untapped potential that is no longer clogged with harmful messages. 

[Woodsy]

Came back to this post to just muse a bit.  I'm in the midst of my deconversion and I know it will be a long process. But I keep trying to do something I've been told not to:  try to believe in something else.  I am virtually running around and seeking out books and stuff to try and find a new belief system.  For some reason it seems that I need to have something solid to stand on and believe,  I need to have all the right beliefs to make life work.  I guess that's a throw back to my christianity.  Today I came to the realization that there may not be any new belief. It's like coming to the end of a rope and trying to find that knot to hold on to and there is none.  I am enjoying some freedom from all the religious hang ups I had, but some are still there.  This deconverting is hard.

[Margee]

Came back to this post to just muse a bit.  I'm in the midst of my deconversion and I know it will be a long process. But I keep trying to do something I've been told not to:  try to believe in something else.  I am virtually running around and seeking out books and stuff to try and find a new belief system.  For some reason it seems that I need to have something solid to stand on and believe,  I need to have all the right beliefs to make life work.  I guess that's a throw back to my christianity.  Today I came to the realization that there may not be any new belief. It's like coming to the end of a rope and trying to find that knot to hold on to and there is none.  I am enjoying some freedom from all the religious hang ups I had, but some are still there.  This deconverting is hard.

 

Woodsy, I hope you don't mind that I copied and pasted this response which I just gave to someone else a few days ago. I'm a very slow, two finger typer..... If you choose to keep searching, here is what conclusion I came to. If you need to keep searching...go ahead, we'll still love you!! 

 

....................................................... My response to someone else..........

 

Quote: ''I hope I'm not a downer to you today cause I know how hard this is. I just stopped searching a few months ago for 'a personal god' (the last 3 years) that I could make my very own. The one thing that held me back from every new age concept out there was the fact that none of their answers on human suffering made any sense to me. Not reincarnation.....nothing. Why would I choose to come back in one life and get my head chopped off? What lesson was I meant to learn from a very painful death? I'm just using that as an example. The last thing that did it for me was just recently in a province next to mine, in which 2 children died together, having the breath sucked out of the 2 brothers by a extremely large snake. I still, months later cannot get that fucking image out of my mind. Where is the 'personal god' in this?

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so damn heartbreaking I could scream for all of us!!

If you are searching and you do find 'something' that can answer this question of suffering for me, please come back and let me know.''

..................................................

 

We're right here for you on this journey to help you get to an acceptance stage. I give you the biggest hug today my friend.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Came back to this post to just muse a bit.  I'm in the midst of my deconversion and I know it will be a long process. But I keep trying to do something I've been told not to:  try to believe in something else.  I am virtually running around and seeking out books and stuff to try and find a new belief system.  For some reason it seems that I need to have something solid to stand on and believe,  I need to have all the right beliefs to make life work.  I guess that's a throw back to my christianity.  Today I came to the realization that there may not be any new belief. It's like coming to the end of a rope and trying to find that knot to hold on to and there is none.  I am enjoying some freedom from all the religious hang ups I had, but some are still there.  This deconverting is hard.

I went through this same thing very early in my deconversion.  I don't think it is an uncommon position for the newly deconverted.  I decided to be a deist at first and try to work things out from there.  That worked for me for a couple of months until I finally came to the position that I didn't want to believe anything that could not be proven.  It was at this point that I started to come to terms with what works for me.  I started by simply believing in the universe--it is as real as anything that can be proven.  The stars are there; the moon and sun are real.  The universe is a force greater than myself, a higher power.  The universe contains both harmony and chaos; so do I.  I am part of the universe and it is part of me.  This led me to explore Descartes cogito ergo sum (I think, therefore, I am).  Being a rational conscience, I exist in some form and my life has meaning (to myself, if to no one else).  What meaning should my life have?  This was the next question I had to answer.  In short form, my life would have whatever meaning I gave it.

 

All of that philosophical gobbledygook brought me to the one realization that sealed my deconversion: The only thing I need to believe in is myself.  That's it; nothing more.  This is my life and my meaning will be given it.  In order to give this existence the meaning I wish it to have, I have to believe in myself: that I am capable of producing the results I want.  There are no "correct" beliefs, for me.  There are only actions motivated by a strong belief in myself.  I guess you could say I've become a strong "me-ist".

 

I hope you will be able to come to the same realization as I did, Woodsy.  I certainly believe in you; and you should too.