Horrible Christian Experience No. 1 Million And 1

[miniaturebeing]

Hello Everyone!

 

Firstly. I am so grateful for this site. I've been reading it regularly for the last few years and just knowing i'm not alone has helped me so much.

 

I've always kept my feelings inside so it's taken me this long to post my testimony. Here goes....

 

I'm a shy studious British Indian. Many of my relatives are pastors, assistant pastors etc..... I was brought up in Pentecostal/ Charismatic churches.

 

I was raised more like an US Christian than a British one. I was told secular music was evil and was brought up with my whole life revolving around my church. I always thought my faith was unshakeable. Many of my church pastors were abusive - the worst was jailed for sexually assaulting vulnerable young church members. I was always told myself that God was good and these people didn't know God properly and that true Christians were nice people.

 

My parents were always heavily involved in church, so my entire adult life (i'm in my late 30s) i've been the same. Eventually I got sick of Pentecostal churches and at a friend's encouragement joined a Church of England church cos i thought they would be less abusive and more accountable. Let's just say i was wrong. So begins the story of my deconversion...

 

When i joined the church secretary was also a British Indian and when she was around i was semi-accepted as a member of the church. The church members were predominantly rich, successful white people. I was the opposite (i'm well educated, but i've always had low self esteem so i'm not very successful or rich) but i felt like no one minded having me around. My sister was a Christian actress and some church members were already aquainted with her having seen her perform/ host/ lead prayers at most of the major Christian festivals in the UK. As her sister i was welcome too. I was quiet and introverted and didn't have a successful career so most people thought i must be stupid, but i had a group of people who didn't treat me that way so i was happy there.

 

I love travelling, and wanted to leave me job and see the world. The church secretary encouraged me. She was leaving too to get married and live in Malaysia. I attended her wedding then when travelling for eight months. It was the most fantastic experience of my life. The moment i returned to the UK my self-confidence nosedived again. I wanted to apply to be a teacher, but i was too scared to talk to people. In the end i got a low-paid job and started getting the courage to attend church again. Many of the church members knew i was having problems but NO ONE ever asked me how i was or if i was ok.

 

I'm obsessed with sound desks. I used to be PA girl at my old church for two years, i did an audio engineering diploma for two years and i helped out with PA (also for two years) in my new CofE church prior to my trip abroad.

 

When i came back to my church all the other PA men (everyone else was white and male) kept asking me when i was gonna help out again. I couldn't cos i had to work during the rehearsals, but eventually my manager at work agreed to let me not work (she didn't give me alternative hours, so i lost out on money). I was still a complete mess and my self-esteem was seriously low and i was terrified of other people but i thought doing PA would help me get back to normal again. I was so wrong...

 

Every time i tried to do PA i'd suffer panic attacks, and get in a confused mess because i was so scared of other people. The church band wanted me to stop so they would bully me and lecture me wrongly (i don't mind being lectured by people who know their facts, but they didn't). Now that the old church secretary had left the entire church (barring one or two people) thought i was stupid and treated me like i was a mentally deficient special needs person. whenever i was on the rota to do PA the worship leader would ask another person to do the PA instead. Every time i'd turn up and be ignored by the band. In the end the substitute PA person would let me assist them. The worst bully was the children's minister who had a reputation for being a really lovely person.

 

After a while my fear of other people decreased to a manageable level but no one would let me do PA. The one day the worship leader forgot to arrange for a substitute PA person. I did a good job. Suddenly my old friends who'd been ignoring me magically wanted to be my friends again. They told me the band had been horrible to me. But hooray i was allowed to do PA.

 

The whole time i was being bullied i was crying at home several hours a day. When the bullying stopped, the crying didn't. No one ever apologised to me. No one ever asked me how i was. The people who bullied me still acted like they were morally superior to me.

It took several months/years for the band to trust me. I look really really young for my age. So younger, inexperienced Christians thought they had the moral right to lecture me constantly. Even when they found out i was older, they wouldn't stop.

 

A new curate joined my church. He was slightly younger than me and was initially really nice to me. The people in the church were really nasty to him too so i made my mind up to be nice to him and try to encourage him. It was a stupid decision. He was incredibly immature, but thought he was God's greatest gift to mankind.

 

He asked me to join his young adult's group, where i would eventually become a leader. I was too old but i thought i had nowhere else to fit in. The younger immature Christians in the group thought that because i didn't have a lot of confidence and i wasn't very loud i must be a new Christian who needed constant lecturing. Whenever i told them differently, they ignored me.

 

The curate would spend every meeting for the first few months telling us how horrible the church was apart from the children's minister who was the nicest person in the world. I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth. Soon he started treating me like i was stupid and gullible and became offended when i didn't accept that. I suspected that the children's minister or other valued church member had told him lies about me. I tried to tell him what happened (without mentioning names). He accused me of lying. When i wouldn't shut up. His response was always - 'why are you telling me? i didn't do it'. He totally forgot, that he'd made me listen to what happened to him. He used manipulation to force me to do things i didn't want to do. He made me have an immunisation against medical advice just because he had to show everyone he had power over me.

 

Every time i complained to him. He'd call me deluded. The church started to accept him now. They showered him with monetary gifts, supported and encouraged him.He had a beautiful intelligent girlfriend much younger than him and this made everyone respect him. I've never had the confidence to date anyone.

 

He wanted me to go to a marriage seminar. I told him why it wasn't neccessary. He lectured me about how i owed the married people of the church. I lost it and called him selfish. He acted penitent for a small period of time. Once i seemed happy again, he asked to have a talk with me and made me apologise for calling him selfish. By this time i'd had enough, i left the young adults group and eventually the church.

 

The whole time i was still crying constantly about what happened. I tried to contact one of my fake friends for support. She made excuses for the curate, telling me he didn't understand what he was doing. she acted like it was because of my own sin that i was so offended. i tried to contact the church office but they ignored me. in the end i sent an email to several church members about what happened. This inspired the vicar to contact me. He offered to meet with me. At this point i literally couldn't. i was so messed up. so i said i couldn't. So he started ignoring me again.

 

I couldn't meet up with anyone in church, and this angered them. One person sent me death threats by text. I sat for a couple of hours as my phone kept beeping every few seconds with a text with a message like. 'i know where you live. i'll kill you'. i contacted the church office. The vicar was annoyed at me. He just wanted me to forget what happened. I now have to rebuild my life from scratch. I don't have many friends, and everything seems like such a mess. I spent my whole life serving in christian churches, doing everything for them (i did a lot more than i mentioned) and not one of them is willing to do the smallest thing to help me.

 

My faith was well and truly broken beyone repair. I started reading about how Christianity is not true. I couldn't believe how stupid i was for accepting it.  I always thought i was alone, and reading this site made me realise my story is so common.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RenaissanceWoman]

Oh my goodness! What an awful story! Everything you wrote hit close to home for me; although you and I have different personalities and some of the church characters/details are different (I was in the band and choir, for example), I experienced very similar things. I know what you mean about crying at home. I thought about church stuff all day every day. Every. Single. Moment. That stuff was ringing in my head: Why did he do this? Why did she say that? What should I have done? Did I say the right thing? Why didn't this person stick up for me? Why did that person ignore the issues? Why didn't God come and clean up this miserable mess? Do I have an ego problem? Am I not good enough? How can I possibly not be giving enough with all that I am doing? Do I have no value to these people? Why doesn't this woman like me? Why did that woman betray me? Why does God hate me? Why am I such a miserable sinner?

 

I finally got the hell out of there. Even after that, I had to actually be medicated to get that noise in my head to shut off. After so many years of that nonsense, it had become a pattern in my brain that I could not fight. I am also undergoing physical therapy to rid my body of the toxins and teach my muscles to chill out and stop storing all that angst energy. The first time my somewhat wacky therapist saw me, within a few minutes she said, "Your heart is carrying grief to the point of torment." Wow, is it that obvious? Lol. All the pain, frustration, self-doubt, betrayal, lies, deceit, fear, energy, loss, loneliness, hate, anger...

 

I won't lie to you... you will get past this, but it will take some time and effort. Be good to yourself. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, and get help if you need it. I can tell that you are a lovely person. If there weren't an ocean between us, I would take you to dinner so we could talk, laugh, cry, bitch, mourn, and rejoice.

 

It may be tough and scary, but you will find another person in your life who is worthy of your friendship. Really, one or two is all you need. That church full of people who "love" you (which they really don't) is not worthy of your time and talent. And the most important thing is that you are going to find YOU.

 

We will do the best we can here to fill that void as you get your bearings. You are going to come through this, and you are going to be fine. You are going to find peace. You are not a miserable sinner, you are a bright shining star in this world. You have value, and you are worthy of love and real friendship.

 

You were abused by the cult (I totally feel you!), but now you are free. It's scary but exciting. You are on a new journey. I wish you a speedy recovery, dear lady. Peace to you.

[Guest Marty]

Welcome, fellow Audiophile (and ex-C)!!

 

I too am an audio engineer, Ive worked in recording studios (one owned by some fundamentalists) and currently design and run sound for musicals and plays.  I feel your frustration at musicians that think they know how to mix a band and think they are helping you out by telling you "how we usually do it".  When I owned my recording studio, I would ban the musicians from being present during the early mixing stages of the album so I could get my work done in peace.  Lol

 

Anyway, welcome to Ex-C!!  

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Welcome to our forums, sister.  Here you will not find any abuse, moral superiority, intellectual dishonest, or any other "christian" trait.  Here you will only find people like yourself--people who are tired of the way the church treats its inmates, tired of lies, hypocrisy and self-righteousness.  You are free to express yourself here because this is now your website, too.  I know self-esteem can be a bugger, but I encourage you to find your voice here with us.  I, too, have suffered low self-esteem for pretty much my whole life and have always worked jobs I felt were lower than I could achieve.  This site has helped me gain confidence and start speaking my mind more and standing up for myself.

 

You are with friends, now.  Hang in there, and hang out here.

[mymistake]

Welcome to the forum.  Sorry to hear about all this trouble.

[Ravenstar]

Welcome.. and huge hugs!!!

 

awful people…  no one deserves to be treated that way.

 

Hang out and make yourself at home    This is a safe place. Stay in testimonials for a while if you are more comfortable here.. it's well protected.

[RipVanWinkle]

You've really been through the mill. It takes its toll on you. doesn't it? You should check out a psychologist or counselor and get some professional help. I think it could help you learn better ways to handle difficult people. I believe almost everybody could be helped in this rough life by good professional help. But the key is to get one that is good at his job. That's critical because there are enough nuts out there pretending to be professionals that it's easy to get a bad one. Perhaps your personal physician would be able to refer you to a good one. But if he/she is not helping, get another one fast. Don't give a bad one any more of your time than is necessary assess his/her abilities.

 

I have heard it said by psychologists that you teach other people how to treat you. I don't really  believe that is true across the board, but I think there is some truth in it. But that's why a good psychologist can help, They deal with this kind of problem

every day. 

 

You are welcome here and can be secure in the knowledge that no one will belittle you here. Keep coming back. bill

[JenT]

Hi Minature Being.  Welcome!  I can really relate to the experience of feeling marginalized among a group of people who supposedly are thought to be there for you.  It took me a long time to realize that there wasn't anything wrong with me in that deep, core sense; instead, I was trying to contort who I was to fit myself into a group that I didn't really admire and respect.  I saw a theme in your story of having your voice diminished and ignored; I hope that this forum can be a place for you to find it again and express yourself.

[miniaturebeing]

Thanks for making me feel welcome.

 

I'vw been talking to my church and they were really getting angry at me and telling me i was a nasty person.

[miniaturebeing]

I agree.  I do need professional help. I've been trying to heal myself and it's not really been working.

 

It didn't help that they asked my sister to sort me out. She spent ages being annoyed at me for not getting better quickly enough, but recently she's been really supportive even though she's still a Christian.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Thanks for making me feel welcome.

 

I'vw been talking to my church and they were really getting angry at me and telling me i was a nasty person.

I would suggest you discontinue the practice of talking to your church.  They've put you down and kept you there long enough.  You are free now; just walk away.

[Woodsy]

Welcome, sweetie!  As I was told when I first came here:  you are home!  You will find so much encouragement and acceptance here.  I wish you much peace!

[Woodsy]

I agree.  I do need professional help. I've been trying to heal myself and it's not really been working.

 

It didn't help that they asked my sister to sort me out. She spent ages being annoyed at me for not getting better quickly enough, but recently she's been really supportive even though she's still a Christian.

There's a book that might help: "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell, Ph.D.  I just finished it and plan on reading it again.  It may help you sort things out and become free. 

[Blood]

I agree.  I do need professional help. I've been trying to heal myself and it's not really been working.

 

It didn't help that they asked my sister to sort me out. She spent ages being annoyed at me for not getting better quickly enough, but recently she's been really supportive even though she's still a Christian.

 

There's no shame in therapy. Anyone who has gone through as much emotional trauma as you really needs a good therapist to help in the deprogramming process. You've made the first big step by leaving the cult. It's downhill and shady after that if you don't allow the trauma to persist. 

[milesaway]

For starters, welcome. Secondly, I'm so sorry the church you left proved to be as abusive as it was. I wish I could say churches like that are anomalies, but unfortunately this is all too common across the board, regardless of the denomination. I put up with my share of abuse at the last church I went to, and I was only a visitor. They were nasty to me when they thought I was actually of the religion, and they were worse towards me when they found out I wasn't. Then they cranked it up to 11 during that last year there. I talk about this in my own story. I spent hours on end agonizing over why this person didn't do that, why so-and-so did XYZ, worrying about how I came off, feeling like I was scum, etc. I felt like god hated my guts, like everyone else there seemed to. I wondered what I did wrong when everyone started backing away from me and abandoned me in those last few months before I left. The whole thing did its share of damage to my self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

Death threats?! If I were you, I'd change my phone number if you haven't already. Talk to your phone service provider, and see what can be done about this. That was one of the reasons I changed my phone number shortly after the creepy phone call from Gary, which I also mentioned here. Since you're in the UK, I'm not sure what can be done legally about it, since that's at the very least harassment. Their behavior is unacceptable, and they know it, otherwise that vicar wouldn't have tried so hard to sweep it under the rug like that. People like that are cowards, and they deserve to be exposed for what they are. Their vile behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. Don't for one nanosecond let them or anyone else convince you otherwise. How people treat others is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. You did nothing wrong. They're the ones who have to live with themselves at the end of the day, and they'll get what they deserve eventually. Those church leaders are assholes, same as every other one I've heard about or met when all is said and done. The church leaders I dealt with didn't seem to care either. Sad that this is so universal with church leaders, but it is. The really sad thing is they won't lift a finger to help you when you need it, even though you helped them. It's what churchies do, unfortunately.

 

You'll heal from this. You'll get through this and get to a point where you're thriving. You're already on the road to recovery. It'll take some time, it's two steps forward, one step back, but you can do this. You'll find some friends in real life too, friends that legitimately care about you. It's times like these when you find out who your real friends are, when you see everyone's true colors. Those church people never deserved you, your time, and what you had to offer. Their loss. Now that they're gone from your life, you can offer your friendship to those who will be glad to have it, because those church people sure weren't. You have a lot to offer, and you seem like you're an amazing friend.

 

Lastly, we're here for you.

[rach]

Like you my experience at church was to be surrounded by rich and successful white people.  Not a good environment for me, for sure.  Toxic.  You could count on one hand the black people and there was nobody like me.  God only knows what my life would have been had I been raised within my own culture rather than by white sunday school teachers.  Anyways, the experience that I had at the church was that if you were not white enough, or not successful enough, you were nothing.  If you did not have a family of your own, you were nothing.  I remember the gatherings that happen about half hour before and half hour after the service.  Everybody floods the hallway to greet each other what they call small talk.  Every time I was humiliated and just wanted to get the hell away from there.  There was nobody to greet me.  There was nobody glad to see me.   As a person who lost their blood family I was led to believe that church was a family.  I was so very naïve.  But I thought, these people have the holy ghost inside them, so they would of course accept me and be kind and truthful.  No!  I don't know what the hell kind of ghost those people have inside them but it isn't holy.  I guess it's the same kind of ghost that the creator they worship has, which says over and over again that the Israelites are to slaughter the men and the women and children and animals of other groups. 

 

It may be that those of us "black sheep" who are just too different from the church cultural norms have to be cast aside by the church people.  Because we make them too uncomfortable.  Don't get too close to those outsiders, they might make you start questioning things. 

 

You know what in the end it's been a blessing to have not been accepted into the group.  It led me on my way out and I haven't looked back.  I've become somebody who really pursues morality- not rule following look-at-me morality of the church but true self sacrificial morality- that was never even encouraged in the church because all they ever wanted to do was clap hands and sing "Jesus paid it all."  I've blossomed as I have embraced the culture and identity I have which I was made to feel ashamed of in the traditional white church setting. 

 

It's time to move forewards in your life stop looking back at all the hurt.  Resolve not to be like them, and head on into better things. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

 

Thanks for making me feel welcome.

 

I'vw been talking to my church and they were really getting angry at me and telling me i was a nasty person.

I would suggest you discontinue the practice of talking to your church.  They've put you down and kept you there long enough.  You are free now; just walk away.

 

 

And whatever you do, don't try to fix things there. It cannot be fixed. This is a large problem in so many churches, and you matyring yourself to try to fix one is not going to do you any good, and is not going to work.

 

I have a nasty letter from my elders who wanted to know the whole story so they could fix things. I was duped. I told them the problems, offered solutions, and left the meeting feeling that I had been heard, and all would soon be well. I told my friends afterward that I finally had "closure." So imagine my shock and anguish when I received the letter about a week later, telling me to basically get the hell out.

 

Stay away from those people. They are evil, self-serving, back-stabbing, political little shits. They only care about their own good standing in their little club, and keeping the club looking good. If you are not going to play their game the way they think you should, yes -- you will be labelled "nasty" or a tool of Satan or some other mean-spirited nonsense. They are deathly afraid of anyone who makes waves, and will do anything they can to further demonize you and get rid of you.

 

Now that you see their evil, you are free to walk away. They have no more power over you. You are free.

[Burny]

Welcome sister.  

 

Sorry for your nasty church experience, you are certainly not alone but you are unique because you had the will and the intelligence to WALK AWAY from them - good for you! Very, very few of us exist - most simply rot away their lives, too scared to do anything about their situation.

 

I echo the comments of those before me who are advising you to stay far away from that place now that you've left. This includes conversations / relationships that are only based on your former indoctrination. Who would you trust more? Someone who loves you because God is demanding that they do, or someone who loves you simply because you're a fellow human being?

 

On ex-c you're loved because you're human. Not because of who you were, are, or might become.

[seeker001]

You are wonderful individual, with a soul too good for those people. Those people are so locked within their own circle jerk of self-righteousness that they have become blinded to their own sins.  Instead of seeking their own self-improvement and taking a good long look in the mirror, they drag other people down so they feel like they are so much better. 

 

Your wounds will take time to heal, be patient with yourself. You sound like a hardworking, dedicated individual, they are not worth your time.

[M4rio]

Hi miniaturebeing,

 

I am glad you are freeing yourself from that community! It is truly bewildering how so many people who claim to "believe" in a cherished doctrine do not "behave" in accordance! I thought Jesus was accepting and flipped the rules on their head and demonstrated a welcoming nature to all people. I am no expert, and I know some people think he was a mythological being and not a real person, but I can be pretty sure that if he were alive he would not appreciate their behavior and attitudes.

 

I hope you find some solace and encouragement in the friends you meet here that can help you carry forth into your own local area in due time. We accept you as a human being, equal to us (and superior to mythological beings!), and support you in your newfound freedom and quest for a better way.

 

I recently returned to this site after once getting great help and support from members here 10 years ago. I came back to repay the favor, to pass it on. While I cannot speak for what you are looking for next in your life, I can also say that the irrational, prejudiced people you have had to deal with *do not have a global monopoly on the community market*. I don't know what the freethought, or Humanist, or atheist, or just plain old "nonsupernaturalist" community scene looks like in London, but I would imagine it is at least as vibrant (and likely far more so) than here in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

 

A lot of people have mentioned counseling, and that is probably a good suggestion, especially if you believe it could be. You might also look for face to face communities via Meetup.com. Here is a quick search on the term "religion-free" which reveals lots of activities:

 

http://www.meetup.com/cities/gb/17/london/?radius=25&userFreeform=London%2C%20GB&keywords=religion-free

 

I hope this helps, minib

[miniaturebeing]

IThanks for the advice. I wish i'd posted on here before. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I felt really alone before.

Most people at work don't have very religious backgrounds so it was hard to talk to them cos i thought they wouldn't understand.

 

Rach. Your old church sounds just like mine. They only value successful people. Toxic is exactly the word i would use to describe it.

 

And RenaissanceWoman - that's exactly what i was trying to do. i was trying to fix the church and it was definitely a mistake.

 

(Sorry i haven't worked out how to quote yet. I always read forums and never post on them).

[Margee]

IThanks for the advice. I wish i'd posted on here before. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. I felt really alone before.

Most people at work don't have very religious backgrounds so it was hard to talk to them cos i thought they wouldn't understand.

 

Rach. Your old church sounds just like mine. They only value successful people. Toxic is exactly the word i would use to describe it.

 

And RenaissanceWoman - that's exactly what i was trying to do. i was trying to fix the church and it was definitely a mistake.

 

(Sorry i haven't worked out how to quote yet. I always read forums and never post on them).

mini, I am so glad you are here with us.. You are goin' to be just fine. All of this takes time. I was told deconversion is a process and I have found that to be true. Keep posting, reading, researching and sharing hon...you are now with a bunch of good people who totally understand what you are going through!

 

big *hug*