How Do You Feel When People That Knew You As A Christian Are Upset Or Sad About Your Awakening?

[AgnosticExChristianTB]

Yes, that's right I said AWAKENING. Not change. While there is a change, more than that there is the feeling of opening your eyes from a nightmare... or maybe not so harsh as a nightmare but a bad dream.

 

I have been said in different forums (it's sad that fu...ing Facebook still has blocked from posting on pages) that I will soon re-encounter God and that he will use me for his glory...

 

Others of course have judged me that my relationship with Jesus never happened... maybe they are right, or should I say they are actually right- except for one thing, did they give me the proof that they DO have it?

 

There are many things Xtians say to ex-Xtians, more typically that the devil deceived us, that we never had the right approach, and all that kind of garbage. But it's interesting what ex-Xtians say when they are asked what they really think of what they believed was an undoubtedly spiritual encounter... you should read the testimonies of ex-born-again Christians, it can be summarized that it was all a psychological aspect, in which the indoctrination made them believe that the experience happened.

 

The questions for these X-tians that judge us remain for them to answer- why are there so many religions? Why so many hypocrites and fakes? Why the judging?

[Burny]

I hear you. I am constantly reminded that I've made a "choice" to become Atheist. What xtians don't realize is that I can't force myself to re-enter the dream (nightmare?) of xtianity, now that I've woken up!! They don't get that it's not a choice, but a realization. Two very, very different things.

[Geezer]

One of the common stages of de-converting seems to be what I call the Paul Revere stage.  In that stage the former believer feels compelled to tell the world they are no longer a Christian and why they left the faith.

 

Part of that process also seems to include the desire to “educate” believers on why their beliefs are wrong. This stage appears to be quite normal and, in my experience, it is also common for homosexuals and transgender folk, as well as others too, to do the same thing. I had a male Christian friend, former career military pilot, who went through the entire process to become fully female. She apparently was consumed with the need to tell anyone and everyone what she was doing and why. That, of course, made her a target for both verbal and in some instances physical abuse. None of that mattered she was driven to tell her story, and still is. Apparently that is just part of the process.

 

What those of us who have experienced this stage don’t seem to realize that we have become something similar to the very thing we don’t much like. We sometimes become so passionate about our new found truth we become a pain in the ass to people who see our actions as attempts to “convert” them. The problem being they don’t want to be converted.

 

Eventually that stage seems to pass at least for most people. The final stage appears to be where we eventually become comfortable in our own skin; kind of a live and let live attitude. I no longer feel compelled to tell my story or educate believers. I am quite comfortable in the presence of Christian and I feel absolutely no desire, or need, to “educate” them. And I don’t tell them I’m not a believer because I simply do not see a purpose in being intentionally confrontational. Now, If I am directly challenged that’s different. I have no problem defending my reasons for leaving Christianity, but so far that has not happened.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Once you actually know things, you can't go back to pretending to know things.  Christians don't understand that because they are still pretending to know things.

[moanareina]

I hated when that happened. With someone I had e-mail contact and tried to explain to her my decision and she got really agitated and then was like: Hey, I don't like the tone of this conversation anymore and want to leave it at that and plead you to respect that. Wow. I really did not say anything insulting or whatever but this woman got offended just by the fact that I had questions and followed my inner longing to find some answers. I think people like her I think feel threatened by that because they have their questions deep down too and put in a lot of effort to keep them down there.

 

And I had someone else who visited me and we had a fan afternoon talking about everything until she asked me to join her to church on sunday and thats when the conversation died every time we met. Awkward silence...me trying to explain why I didn't want to and somehow wanting her to accept that decision, her pitiful look and then telling me how much the church changed...me not being able to explain that the issue was a little different then just being unhappy with some ways the church worked...and finally I stopped to bother to see her. And she too. Sad. I met her last winter when I spent some days in the mountains where she lives. And not much has changed.

 

I wish in those moments that I somehow would be this extrovert personality that just goes like: Oh what...wait, did you know about...bla bla bla and topic is changed and forgotten. Ha.

[ContraBardus]

I treat it as a happy moment. I'm relieved and pleased that it happened. I love it and don't really care if they want to waste their time being upset about it.

 

That confuses the hell out of them.

 

I hated being Christian, I was miserable, guilty, and socially retarded. It offered no solutions and only served to pile blame and obligations on me.

 

I'm free and no longer have any association with my former faith.

 

It's like I'm divorced and it's awesome.

 

Never tell anyone that gets a divorce that 'you're sorry' or 'that's too bad'. A divorce is something to congratulate and celebrate. It's two people who hate being together finally being free from their obligations to each other. No good marriage ends in divorce and it's not an event that is in the slightest bit tragic.

 

Being free of religion is a very similar experience. You are free from your "relationship with God". There is no reason to dwell on the negative aspects of said "relationship" or any obligation to conform to whatever habits and customs apply. You don't have to remember anniversaries, birthdays, or any other special occasion or events related to it.

 

I'm happier without it. I could give a shit if my friends or family thought it was good for me. It's obvious that I'm happier and better off, and that drives them up the wall more than anything else about it. They aren't miserable for me, sad for me, or worried about me. They're confused and upset because I'm having more fun than them and enjoying myself more without their stupid Bible tying me down. It's the same reason married friends try to get their single friends to get married and have kids. It's got nothing to do with them thinking it's really a good idea, and it's true they probably don't regret doing it themselves, but the truth is that they just don't want you to be having more fun and freedom than they do.

 

Religious people get upset when they see others not of their faith having a good time, being nice, and otherwise not being miserable. They are told that it can't be that way and it shorts them out when they realize that another is not living up to the rules that they are told have to be. It's wrong because it's against the rules in their own limited worldview.

 

However, I am not subject to their rules, take great glee in that fact, and continue to be...

 

 

...EXCELLENT!!

 

Party on, dudes.

[WaitingInfinity]

I love how you described it as an awakening. I'm going to start calling it that. 

 

I don't want them to be upset or sad. I want them to accept it and treat me no differently. I feel bad. I feel as though I have disappointed them in tremendous ways. I am the person they demonize. 

 

I feel horrible. 

 

But I still wouldn't go back just to please them. What I have found cannot be erased. Life is GOOD without a God. They've never tried life without God before. They assume it is bad because of all the stories of murderers and drunkards who came to know Jesus and changed. But life without God can be a beautiful and fulfilling things. So I am happy in my new identity. And I feel bad that I disappoint them.

[RipVanWinkle]

When I'm around Xtian friends I no longer want to deconvert them. I no longer look for an opportunity to show them what I know, which never was a good thing. If they would listen and wanted to know why I deconverted,i'll tell them. Otherwise I say nothing.

 

                                                                                                                                                bill

[milesaway]

In those first few months after leaving the church I visited, there were times when I felt guilty for letting everyone there down. I felt ashamed deep down that I couldn't even make church work for me. Was I useless or what?! I thought about the people I admired there, and how honored I felt to be in their presence, and I threw that all away.

 

But then I realized I don't owe them a damn thing. After everything they did, nope. Any "kindness" I ever got out of them was done out of manipulation and obligation when it was convenient for them, it was never legitimate. I haven't come right out and told them, but then again, any convos I had with people I ran into from there were never beyond the phony small talk niceties. I'd probably have told them if I knew they'd listen, but I know they wouldn't have. So I told them nothing. They'll figure it out anyways if they haven't already. Their reaction is their choice, and I'm not responsible for it.

[milesaway]

Double post.

[Pantophobia]

Other than posting a few Freedom From Religion things on my FB, I haven't gone through much of the familiar process that Geezer aptly described. (If I were younger, I'm sure I would have, though!) I have a couple dear friends that are still Christian, and who are totally supportive and respectful of me, just as I am of them. My family, however….

 

I am actually glad that I didn't fully "awaken" until after my grandmother died. It would have broken her heart if she had known, and I don't think she was tough enough to question herself, especially at that stage in her life. I would have kept it silent (unless she asked me directly) just for that reason.

[disillusioned]

Generally speaking, I don't really care what other people think. It doesn't feel great when people are upset or sad that I left, but I'm usually able to remember that it's not my problem.

 

After I told my parents, I began to receive letters and emails which usually spell out the ways in which I am a disappointment, and then move on to reaffirm their belief that my eyes will eventually be opened, and that they will continue to pray for me. These don't really bother me that much anymore. I addressed the first couple as gently as possible, to let them know that I don't find this sort of communication helpful. When they didn't stop coming, they eventually became quite easy to ignore. If I received such communications from people who weren't in my family, I'd cut ties with them pretty quickly.

 

Occasionally I will receive an email that I feel requires a response, in which case I usually let it sit for a couple days so that I can reply as gracefully as possible. I basically just try to leave the topic alone as much as I can.

[gingernut]

My husband who is still a Christian seemed to handle it at first, but then started to barrage me with the question of if I were not a Christian anymore, why shouldn't he cheat on me?  I know....absolutely no logic in that question.  He began to be very unkind about a lot of things and accused me of "tricking" him when we first had met 27 years before, by telling him I was a Christian when I really wasn't...because he has that idea that I was never a "real" Christian, since for him it is not possible to become a "non" Christian.  After he began to barrage me with the question "Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore" in front of our children I asked him to leave and now we are separated.  He is in church and all involved and has friends and our old Christian friends think he is the victim and I am the heathen.  Do I sound bitter?  I am heartbroken.  I have had nothing but pain from Christians and Christianity.  Yet they all still let me know how they are praying for my heathen soul and that I would be "restored". 
 

[moanareina]

My husband who is still a Christian seemed to handle it at first, but then started to barrage me with the question of if I were not a Christian anymore, why shouldn't he cheat on me?  I know....absolutely no logic in that question.  He began to be very unkind about a lot of things and accused me of "tricking" him when we first had met 27 years before, by telling him I was a Christian when I really wasn't...because he has that idea that I was never a "real" Christian, since for him it is not possible to become a "non" Christian.  After he began to barrage me with the question "Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore" in front of our children I asked him to leave and now we are separated.  He is in church and all involved and has friends and our old Christian friends think he is the victim and I am the heathen.  Do I sound bitter?  I am heartbroken.  I have had nothing but pain from Christians and Christianity.  Yet they all still let me know how they are praying for my heathen soul and that I would be "restored". 

 

 

Oh my...

 

And yeah, thats that weird thinking that actually makes people question faith...why should he not cheat on you...maybe because he loves you? To say such thing if he really means it...and sorry if that sounds like very bad news...shows that he does not love you. And I said if he really means it. Could be he only says so because he thinks he's got a point. Either way its sad and condescending. Makes me really sad.

[disillusioned]

"Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore"

 

 

Wow. That sucks. I don't really know what to say, except that you're probably better off without someone like that. Still, I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier. 

[seven77]

I have had very limited contact with my old Christian friends since I did two things a couple of months ago.

 

1. I came out as lesbian to my 3 closest friends in the church. I was tired of pretending that I was going to change, tired of dragging this invisible stone of fear around my neck. I had out-and-out lied about changing my sexual orientation for over 4 years at that point. It was very freeing to let go of it, but I wasn't prepared for the backlash that I received from two of my friends after they learned that I had been involved in a lesbian relationship up until last summer. Apparently it slayed them that I had been claiming to be celibate/straight-leaning on good ol' Jesus while in fact, I was very much involved with a woman. Oopsie.
2. I told everyone that I had doubts, that Jesus had never been a reality to me and that I was no longer interested in seeking God within the confines of the church. I sent some scathing emails during this period of time and haven't spoken to two of my friends since then.

 

At first I was sad and went through a depression, boo-hoo stage for about a month. I wrote a novel during that time and discovered that I no longer needed or even wanted the crutch of Jesus/the Cross/the Church/God, etc any more. I am content with living life for the sake of living and I claim the title of Atheist as needed to describe my beliefs as of now.

 

Christians don't understand how life can be worth living without God in it. What about forgiveness for your sins? One of my friends actually told me that I felt bad because I was being forced to wear my sins since I had walked away from Jesus and he was no longer carrying them for me. Yeah...uhm, NO. Jesus never carried my sins anyway. We are all responisble for out misdeeds, lies, bad choices, and such in life. There is no sky-daddy or cross-bearing big brother that takes care of that shit for you. When I stopped pretending, I started living and things are slowly improving for me.

 

I have no patience for Christians who to claim that I was never really saved. No one is ever saved because God/Jesus/Spirit is incapable of saving us from anything. They are ideas, in our heads, and nothing more. Santa never saved a soul and neither do they.

[CarpeDiem]

The final stage appears to be where we eventually become comfortable in our own skin; kind of a live and let live attitude. I no longer feel compelled to tell my story or educate believers. I am quite comfortable in the presence of Christian and I feel absolutely no desire, or need, to “educate” them. And I don’t tell them I’m not a believer because I simply do not see a purpose in being intentionally confrontational. Now, If I am directly challenged that’s different. I have no problem defending my reasons for leaving Christianity, but so far that has not happened.

 

I like your "live and let live" perspective.  

 

You said you don't tell them you're not a a believer, and I like your reasoning, especially in light of your perspective.  I'm curious though, does this mean everyone in your life still thinks you are a Christian?  How do you reconcile that?

[CarpeDiem]

My husband who is still a Christian seemed to handle it at first, but then started to barrage me with the question of if I were not a Christian anymore, why shouldn't he cheat on me?  I know....absolutely no logic in that question.  He began to be very unkind about a lot of things and accused me of "tricking" him when we first had met 27 years before, by telling him I was a Christian when I really wasn't...because he has that idea that I was never a "real" Christian, since for him it is not possible to become a "non" Christian.  After he began to barrage me with the question "Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore" in front of our children I asked him to leave and now we are separated.  He is in church and all involved and has friends and our old Christian friends think he is the victim and I am the heathen.  Do I sound bitter?  I am heartbroken.  I have had nothing but pain from Christians and Christianity.  Yet they all still let me know how they are praying for my heathen soul and that I would be "restored". 

 

 

Ouch.  I am so sorry.  Your husband isn't following, at all, what he claims to believe.  How ironic that he is angry with you for your faith issues when clearly he has a plethora of his own that causes him to ask if he can cheat on you??  As a very recently deconverted person, I want to talk to him as a Christian (I can still speak all the lingo) and knock some sense into his head.  You shouldn't have ever experienced such pain from Christians.  On their behalf, I want to apologize to you.

[midniterider]

My husband who is still a Christian seemed to handle it at first, but then started to barrage me with the question of if I were not a Christian anymore, why shouldn't he cheat on me?  I know....absolutely no logic in that question.  He began to be very unkind about a lot of things and accused me of "tricking" him when we first had met 27 years before, by telling him I was a Christian when I really wasn't...because he has that idea that I was never a "real" Christian, since for him it is not possible to become a "non" Christian.  After he began to barrage me with the question "Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore" in front of our children I asked him to leave and now we are separated.  He is in church and all involved and has friends and our old Christian friends think he is the victim and I am the heathen.  Do I sound bitter?  I am heartbroken.  I have had nothing but pain from Christians and Christianity.  Yet they all still let me know how they are praying for my heathen soul and that I would be "restored". 

 

 

I might start referring to them as Robots for Christ in their presence.

[AgnosticExChristianTB]

My husband who is still a Christian seemed to handle it at first, but then started to barrage me with the question of if I were not a Christian anymore, why shouldn't he cheat on me?  I know....absolutely no logic in that question.  He began to be very unkind about a lot of things and accused me of "tricking" him when we first had met 27 years before, by telling him I was a Christian when I really wasn't...because he has that idea that I was never a "real" Christian, since for him it is not possible to become a "non" Christian.  After he began to barrage me with the question "Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore" in front of our children I asked him to leave and now we are separated.  He is in church and all involved and has friends and our old Christian friends think he is the victim and I am the heathen.  Do I sound bitter?  I am heartbroken.  I have had nothing but pain from Christians and Christianity.  Yet they all still let me know how they are praying for my heathen soul and that I would be "restored".

 

That's very sad... But at the same time you have recognized that these people cannot be trusted.

 

The sole fact that he asked you such a highly disrespectful question especially in front of your children proves nothing more than he is just another fake Christian, and who knows if eventually he comes to his senses and realize what a big mistake he did, but you should not return with him, with all due respect.

 

I say this for experience, most Christians cannot be trusted. These people are indoctrinated and controlled by fear. But in their true selves, they doubt, they know there is something that does not make sense, that there is a lot of garbage around in their beliefs; if Christians were so secure about their beliefs, they would be what they claim to be and learn to respect.

 

Make no mistake in thinking that your husband's behavior could simply mean he is actually cheating on you, or was tempted suring that time he came to you with that ridiculous question. This is so typical in many Christians. I remember when I was a child, when my parents and me and my sister went to some crappy church, the pastor ended cheating on her wife and the church is now led by new people.

 

There is no better proof for the nonsense of Christianity than the behavior of Christians. I mean there is not even any need to philosophize about religions, science, deities, etc. to come up to the conclusion that Christianity for practical purposes, is garbage.

[slave2six]

How Do You Feel When People That Knew You As A Christian Are Upset Or Sad About Your Awakening?

 

I could not care less. The only people whose opinions matter are mine and my wife's. Everyone else can suck it if they don't like it.

[slave2six]

My husband who is still a Christian seemed to handle it at first, but then started to barrage me with the question of if I were not a Christian anymore, why shouldn't he cheat on me?  I know....absolutely no logic in that question.  He began to be very unkind about a lot of things and accused me of "tricking" him when we first had met 27 years before, by telling him I was a Christian when I really wasn't...because he has that idea that I was never a "real" Christian, since for him it is not possible to become a "non" Christian.  After he began to barrage me with the question "Give me a reason I shouldn't cheat on you since you aren't a Christian anymore" in front of our children I asked him to leave and now we are separated.  He is in church and all involved and has friends and our old Christian friends think he is the victim and I am the heathen.  Do I sound bitter?  I am heartbroken.  I have had nothing but pain from Christians and Christianity.  Yet they all still let me know how they are praying for my heathen soul and that I would be "restored". 

 

 

What a dick. I'm sorry you had to go through that. "Not a true Christian"? Like his actions show that he is?

 

If you live in Colorado, I'll be happy to punch his lights out for you.

[gingernut]

Thanks to everyone who spoke a kind word and gave me some affirmation that yes, his behavior was reprehensible.  As a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, one gets beat down and questions everything.  He asked that horrid question of me for two years, yet I am constantly feeling guilty because I was the one that asked for the separation.  It doesn't help that all the Christians I know and that are a part of his life think I am the one giving up on the marriage.  Nothing like fundie guilt, you know?  Thanks for the kind words everyone.  It helps a lot. 

[TrueFreedom]

Thanks to everyone who spoke a kind word and gave me some affirmation that yes, his behavior was reprehensible.  As a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, one gets beat down and questions everything.  He asked that horrid question of me for two years, yet I am constantly feeling guilty because I was the one that asked for the separation.  It doesn't help that all the Christians I know and that are a part of his life think I am the one giving up on the marriage.  Nothing like fundie guilt, you know?  Thanks for the kind words everyone.  It helps a lot.

I hate to hear this. That is ridiculous. Why would your change in perspective justify his "sin?" Mob mentality is a bitch. You are a brave hero. Your ex is a cog in a flawed machine.

[moanareina]

Thanks to everyone who spoke a kind word and gave me some affirmation that yes, his behavior was reprehensible.  As a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, one gets beat down and questions everything.  He asked that horrid question of me for two years, yet I am constantly feeling guilty because I was the one that asked for the separation.  It doesn't help that all the Christians I know and that are a part of his life think I am the one giving up on the marriage.  Nothing like fundie guilt, you know?  Thanks for the kind words everyone.  It helps a lot. 

 

I know it is easy said but really...NO NEED TO FEEL GUILTY! If there is one to feel guilty it would be him. Obviously he doesn't and that just tells me he does not deserve any of your love or caring. He actually asked for your giving up on the marriage by asking those questions to you. It gives him a free pass to leave it all behind without himself having to take the responsibility for it. He now can put the blame on you...and that shows he never really loved you nor did he respect you. It is a very evil trick of manipulation people use to justify themselves. Making someone else do what you want to and then blame this someone for having hurt you. You did the right thing. It is toxic to live with someone who does that. I think it is the worst kind of abuse. And he probably does not even understand what he is doing...but that does not make what he is doing any better. To leave or to tell him to leave is the best thing you could do.