Christian College Made Me An Atheist

[gabbiest]

This is my first post here, though I have been stalking the forums and main blog for quite a while. I feel like I need to share what I have been going through with someone, since there are very few people in my life that I can talk about this(I am still in the closet, so to speak.)

 

I grew up in the Baptist church, Southern Baptist Convention if that means anything to you at all. My parents took me to nursery in the church and raised me up through the church. I got saved and baptized when I was just seven years old. Not too long after we changed churches to one closer to my home, also a Southern Baptist Church. It was rather small but everyone was very loving and welcoming. Coming to that church at the time felt like coming home.

 

A few  years after we started attending that church, an older gentleman began taking a special interest in my friend Rachel. She was only six months older than I was and he was around her all the time. Her mother trusted him and the whole church trusted him. Sometimes, he would take some of the other young girls in our church places, and my sister and I would tag along. This was when I first began to notice something was off. This man would kiss my friend Rachel, and not like on the cheek, but passionately. She would sit in his lap and he would call her his "little wife". I'm not sure how deep their relationship ever went, but at the time I was too young to know that it was illegal, I just thought it was gross.

 

Everything blew up one night when Rachel spent the night at my house one Saturday night. We were leaving the next morning to go to church when I let it slip to my parents that Rachel and this man were "in a relationship". This led to a crazy investigation that almost tore the church apart, but everything was proven to be true and it also came out that he had molested my younger sister. Thankfully, he had never touched me, but I have always been deeply upset by what he had done to my sister and friend and the fact that it very easily could have been me. He was kicked out of the church and convicted as a sex offender, but he never served any jail time or any serious penalty and still lives in my city.

 

We almost left the church after that, but my parents decided to stay with the church. Several years past, and the pastor at the church decided to leave. About the same time, my youth pastors were stepping down, and I began to search for different churches to go to that were more teenager friendly, seeking the more modern worship and engaging sermons. I thought that if i could just get in a good church with real spiritual meat, then maybe I would finally start to grow as a Christian and hear God speak to me, to actually feel like God was a part of my life.

 

Fast forward to college, I was still desperately searching for a place to belong. I moved to a college 100 miles away from home and I was extremely lonely. I found a home in the Baptist College Ministry and was amazed at how genuine everyone was. At home, my parents only lived their faith out while at church, but here it seemed to me that everyone was truly seeking God and his will in their lives. I went to a conference hosted by the BCM at the beach and for some reason felt called to be a youth minister. I had never felt this kind of certainty about something before, so it was strange, and I pushed it off to the side.

 

Over the summer after my freshman year, I felt like I was still being called to youth ministry, so I transferred to a Christian college a few miles down the road from my home. I could live at home and be 20 miles away from my boyfriend instead of 100, so it felt like a win win. I spent my second year of college taking youth ministry classes, initially feeling like I was doing the right thing. As a general education requirement, all students had to take an Old Testament and New Testament course that required us to read the Bible all the way through. By the end of that year, I had seriously began to doubt in God and changed my major to Business Management.

 

I don't think that I really came to a serious conclusion about God until this past December. I had been searching for God, reading the Bible, everything during that time, and I couldn't find him. I couldn't reconcile the God of the Old Testament with the God of the New Testament, couldn't reconcile the lack of evidence, couldn't reconcile the fact that I had never truly felt that God was with me. I was tired of feeling guilty all the time because I could never live up to His Standards, tired of having to force myself to go to church, and tired of pretending that everything was okay.

 

I guess this all culminated to me searching and finding this website. Everything suddenly began to make sense. I'm pretty much completely aligned as an atheist now, but I'm still not entirely sure what that will mean for my future. I don't feel like I can come out as an atheist to my family, and so far, the only people that know are my fiance, my best friend(though this was just told to her yesterday, and she took it very poorly), and my cat. I'm scared of how the people around me will react. I don't want them to treat me differently, and I don't want to cause any unnecessary drama because I hate confrontation. Even as lost and confused as I am, the irony that going to a Christian college has made me atheist is not lost on me. I am still attending that college and I am surrounded by Christians. I am forced to attend chapel services by the university to graduate. It's just a weird place to be in. I'm hoping that this website will continue to help me to navigate my life and discover life outside of the Christian box that I stayed in for so long.

[MerryG]

What a story, gabbiest! And you tell it powerfully. Thank you.

 

How is your fiance with all these changes in you? I'm hoping you have at least some support close by. But you'll have it for sure here. These are great people and this is a great place -- as you've already discovered. Welcome!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Welcome home, gabbiest.  I, too, attended a christian college and while I did not have the strength or intellectual capacity at the time to realize the things you have realized, I do consider those four dark years to have been a very important step in my eventual deconversion.  Daily chapel, OT Survey, NT Survey, Intro to Theology, and a class called "The History and Polity of the Church" (more lovingly referred to as "The Heresy and Fallacy").

 

Have fun with it.  Start a "Holy Ghost Lottery".  Anybody who wants in pays a dollar and writes a date down into a record book (you could use those carbon-copy receipt books so both parties have a copy).  Then the next time "the spirit moves" during chapel, check the book to see if anybody guessed that day.  If somebody wins, they get the money in the pot; if nobody wins, the pot rolls over and tickets go back on sale for next time. 

 

It worked for us back in the day.

[mymistake]

Welcome to the forum.  If you want to minimize the drama there is nothing wrong with going through the motions of christianity at the bare minimum level.  So you might go to a service on Easter if your family is in town.  Really the only other way being an atheist affects your life is you get to keep that 10% of your income and you get a second Saturday every week.  Well, it's also nice to not have to delude yourself with nonsense.

[Ravenstar]

Welcome!  Cats are the BEST friends, aren't they?  

 

I don't have much advice to give because by the time I left I was already sort of out of the church and home… 3000 miles away actually. Do what's best for you until you are ready to make a move. Your innermost feeling are yours alone, and you don't have to answer to anyone. Take all the time you need.

 

again, welcome!

[Guest MadameX]

Welcome, and best of luck to you on your journey. 

 

Let me place this bug in your ear: you live in the throbbing heart of the Bible Belt. If you were not surrounded by Baptists, all this would be a total non-issue. Consider moving away from the American South. In New Jersey, very few people are going to care about one's 'faith journey' or 'walk with god' yadda yadda.

 

PS yep reading the Bible can have that effect - it's a great way to make atheists!

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Gabbiest.  Welcome to ExC, a place for people like you (and us).

 

I found your story riveting, especially that sad, sad part about the man in church who did such terrible things to your sister and your friend.  So sad, so terrible.  I hope your sister and friend have or are on their way to recovery.

 

I have heard of more than one person who entered a Christian college and left no longer believing.  You know, taking it even one step further, it is not uncommon for those who go on to seminaries (I mean the good ones) and who go on to become pastors but really deep within themselves do not believe.  The more one learns about Christianity, the more the truth comes out about its falsity.

 

I am glad you made it out.  As others have said, for right now don't worry about telling anyone else about your deconversion.  Based on the experiences recorded on these forums (and my own experience), it is highly possible that the more Christians you tell, the more difficult it will be on you.  For now, just concentrate on coming to terms with having left the religion behind.  Let your mind heal and then when you feel strong, you can decide whether to come out to those in addition to your fiance, best friend and, of course, your trustworthy cat.  Cat's are so non-judgmental (so long as you do as they want you to do  LOL).

 

Again, welcome and I hope you stay around ExC for a good long time.

[pensatore]

Hi Gabbiest!

 

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your friend and your sister. I am also new here as you can see (also a long time reader before registering).

 

I can relate to how you feel about being around christians. I have yet to come out as an atheist to my family and I have no plans on doing so in the near future.Two of my closest friends, who I grew up with, are hardcore christians. Sadly, I am now very awkward around them as I get too paranoid of being witnessed to by them.

 

Anyway, you seem to be a very strong person and I'm sure you can push through with all your struggles.

[Blood]

As a general education requirement, all students had to take an Old Testament and New Testament course that required us to read the Bible all the way through. 

 

That almost never ends well. 

[Blue elephant]

Welcome to Ex-C, gabbiest!  The folk here are among the kindest and most gently  people I have ever know.  Feel free to come here and chat as you wake up more and more.

While you are financially dependent on your parents, it is probably best not to let loose with the deconversion stuff.  There have been some young people on here who have lost their financial support while they are still studying.  Moving away from the Bible Belt once you are independent could be refreshing for you btw.

 

Nice kitty, btw!

[Woodsy]

Wecome!!  I was told when I first came here, "you are home." And indeed you are, Gabbiest.  This is a good and safe place to let it all hang out.  The people here are great encouragers who have had life experiences that are extremely helpful.  So, get comfortable and post whenever you feel the need.  We are all in this together!

[Nadooshka]

Hi gabbiest!

 

I wish I had known then what you know now when I was in college, but things happen in their own time I guess.

 

You'll learn a whole lot here. Welcome!

[M4rio]

Hello! I am glad you have found this site to help you through this difficult time. I imagine it will be very difficult for many people who are Christian to accept your different views. Then again, it depends on each person. If you are still in college then it might be slightly easier for you if you are able to find some other like-minds, but where do students on Christian college campuses go? I don't imagine they a Secular Student Alliance chapter?

 

I wonder...would Christian colleges allow such a chapter?