This Is Cu Morrigan

[Guest Cu Morrigan]

((Mind you this is abotu a year old...but I decided to reprint it as is.))

 

This is Cu-Morrigan’s Story.

I guess If I really had to put a time line on My story and how I got to be an ex-Christian, I would have to say that it began when I was young and I grew up catholic. My grandparents faithfully would take me to church and I honestly did not mind. I got to spend time with them and I actually had fun in church.

Then Something Kind of happened, I had always had emotional problems when I was a kid. I could never really quite explain why at that point but I never seemed to have the emotional maturity I should have for other kids my age. I would throw rather masochistic temper tantrums, bang my head against a concrete side walk, walls anything that was hard. My family would tell me I was a terror to my family.

Now was this the fault of the church? Hardly.

But this is where I need to start to Kind of give who ever reads this a sense of where I came from since it all builds up to what is going on now.

I was always upset about something and when I exploded I exploded big.

Then I started hearing “Voices”, nothing I could define at first, sometimes I got messages, and other times I would “See things”. Of course dear old Mom did not understand what was going on with me. So she had me go to see counselors and social workers.

Turns out I have a very strong Imagination. One night I snuck out of my apartment, and wound up going into the city because I believed the voices in my head were telling me I needed to go somewhere. My temper started getting worse. My fits and emotional outbursts were getting out of control so my mom got me on prescription Drugs. That didn’t work. I wound up not taking them.

I got into spiritism, and It helped Me for a bit it gave me a context in which to understand the voices and stuff were actually spirits and I needed to learn how to shut the voices down on My own through meditation and rituals and what not.

So here comes age fourteen, I converted to Christianity, at first it was rough because I not only converted, my problems converted right along with me. At first it seems like I was getting a handle on my problems. But later on it started getting worse.

My obsessions became slightly more focused. Being a teenager of course it was girls. Alternating with “Evangelizing” still I wound up dropping out of school. And went to start working, again my emotional grip on reality was shaky at best. I had my good days and my bad days. And the bad days were very bad. I just could not seem to “get a grip” but I eventually wound up giving up my dream of being a comic book artist when my pastor at the time convinced me that I should go to bible school.

At that time I got involved in a really unhealthy dating relationship and it broke down really bad. So of course to get away from the situation I decided to go to bible school. That made things even worse, and it also helped me some. Again my very strong imagination was working overtime here.

Now to those who don’t necessarily believe in psychic phenomenon, much of what I discuss in term of hearing voices sounds a lot like some kind of hallucinatory disorder. And in a lot of ways it is. But in a lot of ways my beliefs were a way to kind of function with the problem. Eventually I became very aware of how to counsel other people. This was something that enabled me to work out some of my own stuff but eventually my own problems were still unresolved.

Then came my last year of bible school. I had met this girl and was head over heals in love. The funny things she was crazy about me. Eventually My emotional problems started getting better. I started feeling good about myself. Here was this person who actually cared about me. And it felt great, She had nothing hidden in her closet, she was sweet cute and innocent. Eventually we planned to get married.

Unfortunately, Her parents, her pastor, and her friends took one look at me and decided that I was not good enough for their daughter.

To that end, they began a powerful campaign of harassment, threats and manipulation to break us up. To make a long story short, I was planning to spend an extra year in bible school to make up for some classes I missed. (Before I met her) but by the time things were done…we broke up, and I left bible school broken and destroyed. I pretended to have shaken it off and went into ministry anyway.

Becoming a pastor’s assistant (Lay) eventually I left that church to join another. It was there that I had gotten into another unhealthy relationship where I eventually left the church and Christianity altogether. Which caused me to get into another unhealthy relationship. Which I broke off and went to another church to heal and get myself fixed up. That was where I met my present wife. We got married. Now I should have seen problems when my wife kept telling me that She shouldn’t have married me. We fought like cats and dogs, She fought me every step of the way. For three years she talked about How I was a mistake, she never should have married me, but the only reason she did so was because “God wanted her to.” At that time I also started having problems in the church I was at, turns out that my preaching style was a little too unorthodox and I wound up getting reported by someone who found my interpretation of certain bible stories heretical. Of course they did not ask me directly about it, they decided to go behind my back. That hurt me A LOT when the leaders told Me that They had heard that I was preaching Heresy. (Far from it). But it was enough for me. Having been burned by Christians too Many times, I stepped down from ministry, I left the church and My wife then got even more aggressive, She grew more frequent with her out bursts it turns out that She and I have the same problems only we express it differently.

While I was starting to get a handle on my emotional out bursts, she was louder about them. For two years I sulked and lost myself in Online role-playing games, and other things while trying to find a job.

I struggled with unemployment because I attracted the kind of people that I developed problems with through out my life.

I have been trying to get a grip on a lot of the shit that has been rattling inside my head. I eventually discovered paganism and wicca through some of my online friends and decided to follow that path and It has been working for Me. The problem is that I have so many scars and things given to Me by Christians I cant seem to get past a lot fo the anger anymore. 9/11 added more to it…Only recently I stopped hating Arabs…but I cant seem to shake this irrational hatred of the religion that caused me so much pain and grief.

Was a lot of My problems brought on by Myself?

Yep it was.

And I need help.

A lot of help.

What finally made me realize it, was I had seen a mental picture of a Dragon with blue scales, His voice thundering in the background, sounding like He was about to explode into rage.

At that point I knew I needed to get myself some help bad.

[Ex-COG]

Hello, Cu Morrigan. Whew, you've been through a lot! And what an example the church gave you of "Christian Love", hey? You say this story was written a year ago; how are things going now? Did you get the help you needed, and have your scars healed? Your wife, with all her negative put-downs, certainly was not helping either. Has her attitude improved any?