Nearly Two Years And It Still Affects Me

[wanderinstar]

Early June 2012 I saw that christianity is false and deconverted within hours but the echos of my time as a christian still haunts me. Today, for the first time in some months, I talked with my therapist about my time as a christian and how god was to me like an abusive father figure. My anxiety jumped up and I left the session a bit of a mess despite my therapists support. I thought I had dealt with this but it seems I have a way to go before I am truly free from the grip of religion. What i went through as a christian was traumatic. I have mentioned the details in previous posts so I won't repeat myself but if anyone wants examples just ask. Christianity fucked me up and now I am suffering the consequences of it. I am so damn angry but I am struggling to find a healthy way to channel this anger. Any ideas? In general I have not been doing that well so to have this stress on top of my other issues (bipolar/PTSD) is really stretching me. I feel like I am drowning, it is awful. Sorry to be so negative but I just needed to rant. 

[zuker12]

I know this feeling. I'm still struggling too, and it's been over 2 years! There was a year in my life when I didn't think about religion at all, now it's gone somewhere. I've gained confidence in my unbelief in this time though, but there are those occasional shitty days (one shitty week of fearing an apparition) when a heavy paranoia hits me. Doing research, and just talking with someone helps me, but sometimes there are days where I can go by the emotion of anger alone. This usually because I've had a few bad days before it and I've pondered stuff obsessively to the point where I'm ready to lay my guns down. Obsessivity is bad in the sense that it reinforces irrational paranoias. However, realizing that has given me a new source of strength in simple anger... that I've been programmed into an unhealthy obsession that saps the life out of me. I see no reason to be irrational, yet my obsession makes me think about things irrationally. That makes me sad at first but angry later on. All I can say is it feels like a heavy emotional rollercoaster at times. I know it will pass, and it is passing again, but may come back in a few days. I do not hope for that. For some reason I think that the amount of mental pain that xtianity causes is one testament to why it isn't true (and how it turns out to be less true each day, or if it is the truth, then how much work do we have to do just to find out that it is the truth?)

[Woodsy]

Came across this quote today.....

 

 

"Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear?” Tao te Ching

[amateur]

It really does take quite a while to get rid of all the xianity in your system.  

 

What happened when you worked through with your therapist your feelings of god/abusive father, and ended up making you leave feeling anxious and a bit of a mess, makes sense to me.  Those emotions were all there during the session, perhaps new, and perhaps something brought up how you had felt abused for years.  Those aren't emotions that are going to pass in one counseling session.  Feeling used/abused for years doesn't pass in one hour.  Give that time, too, and keep working through it.  Talk to your counselor, friends, write it out here, keep letting it out until the worst of the anxiety and pain passes.

 

{{{hugs}}}

[wanderinstar]

I know this feeling. I'm still struggling too, and it's been over 2 years! There was a year in my life when I didn't think about religion at all, now it's gone somewhere. I've gained confidence in my unbelief in this time though, but there are those occasional shitty days (one shitty week of fearing an apparition) when a heavy paranoia hits me. Doing research, and just talking with someone helps me, but sometimes there are days where I can go by the emotion of anger alone. This usually because I've had a few bad days before it and I've pondered stuff obsessively to the point where I'm ready to lay my guns down. Obsessivity is bad in the sense that it reinforces irrational paranoias. However, realizing that has given me a new source of strength in simple anger... that I've been programmed into an unhealthy obsession that saps the life out of me. I see no reason to be irrational, yet my obsession makes me think about things irrationally. That makes me sad at first but angry later on. All I can say is it feels like a heavy emotional rollercoaster at times. I know it will pass, and it is passing again, but may come back in a few days. I do not hope for that. For some reason I think that the amount of mental pain that xtianity causes is one testament to why it isn't true (and how it turns out to be less true each day, or if it is the truth, then how much work do we have to do just to find out that it is the truth?)

 

Sorry to hear you have been struggling too zuker. The train wreckage behind christianity is testament to it's falseness and power to harm. Lets hope the both of us pass into calmer waters soon. 

 

 

It really does take quite a while to get rid of all the xianity in your system.  

 

What happened when you worked through with your therapist your feelings of god/abusive father, and ended up making you leave feeling anxious and a bit of a mess, makes sense to me.  Those emotions were all there during the session, perhaps new, and perhaps something brought up how you had felt abused for years.  Those aren't emotions that are going to pass in one counseling session.  Feeling used/abused for years doesn't pass in one hour.  Give that time, too, and keep working through it.  Talk to your counselor, friends, write it out here, keep letting it out until the worst of the anxiety and pain passes.

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

It really does take quite a while to get rid of all the xianity in your system.  

 

What happened when you worked through with your therapist your feelings of god/abusive father, and ended up making you leave feeling anxious and a bit of a mess, makes sense to me.  Those emotions were all there during the session, perhaps new, and perhaps something brought up how you had felt abused for years.  Those aren't emotions that are going to pass in one counseling session.  Feeling used/abused for years doesn't pass in one hour.  Give that time, too, and keep working through it.  Talk to your counselor, friends, write it out here, keep letting it out until the worst of the anxiety and pain passes.

 

{{{hugs}}}

 

you are right amateur, this is not going to pass quickly. It was just disappointing to fall back into the thick of it after having several months of it not really bothering me at all. It feels as fresh and painful as when I first deconverted. I guess I have some more processing to do, I am so hurt and angry. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I

If you were paying attention, stevebennett, you would see that wanderinstar experienced jesus as an abusive father.  Encouraging trust in jesus now is a highly insensitive thing for you to do.  Show some respect or stay in The Lion's Den.

[buffettphan]

 

I

If you were paying attention, stevebennett, you would see that wanderinstar experienced jesus as an abusive father.  Encouraging trust in jesus now is a highly insensitive thing for you to do.  Show some respect or stay in The Lion's Den.

 

 

I just read and hid his post.   Disgusting troll vomiting all over the website. AGAIN!   Also, will report possible FC/SB connection to other mods. AGAIN!   

 

 

ETA:  Possibly a new troll for jeeezus.  No solid evidence it's SB (yet).

[wanderinstar]

 

 

I

If you were paying attention, stevebennett, you would see that wanderinstar experienced jesus as an abusive father.  Encouraging trust in jesus now is a highly insensitive thing for you to do.  Show some respect or stay in The Lion's Den.

 

 

I just read and hid his post.   Disgusting troll vomiting all over the website. AGAIN!   Also, will report possible FC/SB connection to other mods. AGAIN!   

 

 

ETA:  Possibly a new troll for jeeezus.  No solid evidence it's SB (yet).

 

Thanks!

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

I

If you were paying attention, stevebennett, you would see that wanderinstar experienced jesus as an abusive father.  Encouraging trust in jesus now is a highly insensitive thing for you to do.  Show some respect or stay in The Lion's Den.

 

 

I just read and hid his post.   Disgusting troll vomiting all over the website. AGAIN!   Also, will report possible FC/SB connection to other mods. AGAIN!   

 

 

ETA:  Possibly a new troll for jeeezus.  No solid evidence it's SB (yet).

 

The most compelling evidence we have so far is the post he made on the "christian slavery" thread in The Lion's Den wherein he gave a speech about how if we just look at things through the correct "lenses" then it all makes sense.  It was very reminiscent of a similar speech given by sb in February.  I admit it's not solid evidence, but given sb's propensity toward reincarnating himself, it is certainly suggestive. 

[buffettphan]

 

 

 

I

If you were paying attention, stevebennett, you would see that wanderinstar experienced jesus as an abusive father.  Encouraging trust in jesus now is a highly insensitive thing for you to do.  Show some respect or stay in The Lion's Den.

 

 

I just read and hid his post.   Disgusting troll vomiting all over the website. AGAIN!   Also, will report possible FC/SB connection to other mods. AGAIN!   

 

 

ETA:  Possibly a new troll for jeeezus.  No solid evidence it's SB (yet).

 

The most compelling evidence we have so far is the post he made on the "christian slavery" thread in The Lion's Den wherein he gave a speech about how if we just look at things through the correct "lenses" then it all makes sense.  It was very reminiscent of a similar speech given by sb in February.  I admit it's not solid evidence, but given sb's propensity toward reincarnating himself, it is certainly suggesti

 

 

I agree he certainly sounds like SB and I don't think anybody will be surprised if it does turn out to be him.    Right now though, based on IEP addresses, it can't be proven.    But that doesn't mean we've stopped trying...

[amateur]

Back to you, wanderinstar.  I'm just so sorry that those old emotions came back so strong.  It sounds awful.  I do truly wish you all the best, and if it helps to write stuff out here, please do.  Ignore the trolls, a huge percentage of people here have been through a lot of pain due to xianity and are here to support you.

[Margee]

Early June 2012 I saw that christianity is false and deconverted within hours but the echos of my time as a christian still haunts me. Today, for the first time in some months, I talked with my therapist about my time as a christian and how god was to me like an abusive father figure. My anxiety jumped up and I left the session a bit of a mess despite my therapists support. I thought I had dealt with this but it seems I have a way to go before I am truly free from the grip of religion. What i went through as a christian was traumatic. I have mentioned the details in previous posts so I won't repeat myself but if anyone wants examples just ask. Christianity fucked me up and now I am suffering the consequences of it. I am so damn angry but I am struggling to find a healthy way to channel this anger. Any ideas? In general I have not been doing that well so to have this stress on top of my other issues (bipolar/PTSD) is really stretching me. I feel like I am drowning, it is awful. Sorry to be so negative but I just needed to rant. 

 

Hi sweetie. I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time right now. The brainwashing from Christianity can last a lifetime unfortunately for those of us who suffer from anxiety. I'm sure it's effect's will always contribute to my anxiety. Mine like yours, goes through 'relief' and then I can worry again. I have to stay so close to Ex-c because we all understand each other. Keep posting all your feelings here with us hon and we'll be right beside you to help you along. You'r post will help many people going through the same damn stuff.

 

I hope you are doing better today. Huge *hug* for you.

[wanderinstar]

Thanks Amateur and Margee. I don't know what I would do without the support I get here. Today my anxiety is a little better but I am still angry and grieved over all I lost to that damn religion. I feel like an idiot for letting other christians basically spiritually/emotionally abuse me for years. It is all so clear to me now but at the time I would of thought anyone like I am now is under the devils power. To ironically rip off an old classic, "I once was blind but now I see'. 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I was really angry at myself in the early days of my deconversion for allowing myself to be duped and taken advantage of for so long.  I've learned it just doesn't help to dwell on that part of my past for too long.  The first 30 years were taken from me by manipulative religious nut-jobs.  I don't intend to allow the time I have left to be wasted reliving it.

 

This, too, shall pass, wanderinstar; and we are here for you.

[wanderinstar]

I was really angry at myself in the early days of my deconversion for allowing myself to be duped and taken advantage of for so long.  I've learned it just doesn't help to dwell on that part of my past for too long.  The first 30 years were taken from me by manipulative religious nut-jobs.  I don't intend to allow the time I have left to be wasted reliving it.

 

This, too, shall pass, wanderinstar; and we are here for you.

 

I was really angry at myself in the early days of my deconversion for allowing myself to be duped and taken advantage of for so long.  I've learned it just doesn't help to dwell on that part of my past for too long.  The first 30 years were taken from me by manipulative religious nut-jobs.  I don't intend to allow the time I have left to be wasted reliving it.

 

This, too, shall pass, wanderinstar; and we are here for you.

Thanks Redneck. I too don't intend to waste anymore time on religion. I guess it is just taking time to get it out of my system. It seems to come in waves and at the moment I am being dumped in the surf. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

I also feel that I was emotionally and spiritually abused as a Christian, not to mention the abuse of my volumes of time and my talents. What helps me is to look upon those people with pity (and sometimes downright scorn). They are still trapped by the fear and insecurity of that religion, still in chains to playing the game of the other people in the congregation to stay in good graces, still wishing for god to solve all their problems. What pathetic dupes! What small-minded, mean-spirited, cliquish, little people!

 

Yes, I am angry that I allowed myself to fall for that nonsense, and allowed myself to be abused and emotionally torn to shreds. But the good news is that now I know the truth very plainly and boldly, and I will not be duped again. I think for me it had to be so bad, so I would be forced to snap out of it. If nothing evil had gone down, I'd still be there playing the game, waiting for god, wondering why things don't make sense.

 

Yeah, god is an abusive and neglectful father. That's what happens when we fall for relying on someone/something that is not real. Religions have been around forever, so it's obviously human nature of some sort to hope for some kind of larger entity or bigger picture. You can't blame yourself for falling for it. Depending on your upbringing and the culture around you, believing in god seemed like a good idea at some point, since all these other people do. Can all these other people be wrong? Yes. They are sucked into it for the same reasons we were.

 

Instead of anger or regret, try being thankful and joyful that you have seen the light. You are free! Free to be you. Free to follow your own interests. Free to fiddle around on Sunday mornings. Free to chose better people and avoid the brainwashed losers. Free to think for yourself.

 

Easier said than done, I totally know. But again, I think it took a large painful jolt for me to snap out of the nonsense. In that regard, I am thankful that I endured all that pain. (Well, sort of, lol.) Now I am free from the guilt and pain and abuse.

 

Working with your counselor is going to bring up old stuff, stuff that you need to expose and rethink. Rewiring the brain is slow and painful. I know it hurts, but it is probably for the best in the long run. Get that shit in the open, uncover those old brain pathways, and undo that way of thinking.

 

Aww hell... I don't know if this is helping or not. I just hope you know that I feel your pain, and I know it will get better.

[Pantophobia]

What you're feeling makes a lot of sense, wanderinstar, and if you think you need permission to be angry, hon, you've got it. Be furious! However, if you're feeling crippled or bogged down by the anger, that's not healthy. Have you tried some short-term approaches to the anger? "God, I'm angry at you because ____" lists, or a letter to your old Christian self, maybe! (I think you were one of the posters I also suggested the "project your inner child" game to, but I can't remember.) 

 

And to add to RenWoman's "I understand your pain" message, I, too, had the whole "Daddy/God abandonment issues" thing going, too. If I was supposed to accept that my father here in the world could abandon me, not call me for years, yet show up every so often and go "But I was always thinking about you! I love you! You're making too much out of nothing! Your feelings aren't valid!" is it any wonder that I accepted a similar situation with me "Father God," who also wasn't around when I needed him, and was pretty much empty air space? Religion manages to plug into the weakest and saddest parts of us as people and work it. And that sucks. *sending you a giant virtual hug*

[wanderinstar]

Thanks Renaissance Woman and Pantophobia. Big hugs back to you both. Writing a letter might be helpful as it is so confusing to be angry at an imaginary being. The sense of abandonment is still acute too. On the plus side I think I am beginning to get some self respect back, which is partly why I am so pissed at all I went through in the hands of religion. I gave my heart and soul, my time and money into a lie, an abusive fantasy. It hurts. I don't feel sorry for myself and I am not wallowing, I am just finally believing I am worth more than how I was treated. I guess that has to be a good thing.

[RenaissanceWoman]

You are worth so much more, indeed. We don't ask for anything of you, yet you have still given so much just by being here with us on our journeys and you on yours. I personally have gleaned a lot of comfort (I'm not the only one!), courage, wisdom, and encouragement from you. You and this place are both better because you are here. Hugs to you!

[Positivist]

I hear you. Every once in a while I think I'm "recovered" from my faith journey. But then something happens:

1. Someone tells me I still act like a fundy  or, 

2. I read/watch something awful online about what Christians are doing (banning female faculty, stopping young women from attending school, and of course, the Nye/Ham "debate" etc.)...

at which point I am re-traumatized.

 

It's a journey. You'll get there. I found Ex-C to be a great source of therapy!

[RipVanWinkle]

wanderinstar: I'm late in this post. You post is heart rending, but ups and downs are not at all unusual. The good news is that your anxiety will subside. I was saying in another post that I suffer from depression which now comes and goes. It used to be continuous.

Now that it is off and on I can always get through the downs because I know the mood will lift and I will again feel pretty good. I can make it with the good moods, even though I also suffer down moods. I hope that could work for you, but if not I hope with all my heart you find a strategy that works for you.   bill

[wanderinstar]

Thanks again everyone for you kind words. Today I was suddenly hit with a longing for God, for the relationship I (thought I) had. After days of anger I suddenly want to run back into the arms of my abuser??? This has been so much like a deeply abusive relationship for me. No wonder it is taken me so much time to recover...sigh.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Thanks again everyone for you kind words. Today I was suddenly hit with a longing for God, for the relationship I (thought I) had. After days of anger I suddenly want to run back into the arms of my abuser??? This has been so much like a deeply abusive relationship for me. No wonder it is taken me so much time to recover...sigh.

This is what is known as "Stockholm Syndrome".  It is also not uncommon during deconversion.  Although it is most often associated with hostage situations, it has also been linked to abusive relationships.  Essentially, in either case, the captive/abused comes to feel deep empathy and even a warped sense of love for the captor/abuser.  I recommend you do some research on it; it will help you understand what you are experiencing.

 

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

[wanderinstar]

 

Thanks again everyone for you kind words. Today I was suddenly hit with a longing for God, for the relationship I (thought I) had. After days of anger I suddenly want to run back into the arms of my abuser??? This has been so much like a deeply abusive relationship for me. No wonder it is taken me so much time to recover...sigh.

This is what is known as "Stockholm Syndrome".  It is also not uncommon during deconversion.  Although it is most often associated with hostage situations, it has also been linked to abusive relationships.  Essentially, in either case, the captive/abused comes to feel deep empathy and even a warped sense of love for the captor/abuser.  I recommend you do some research on it; it will help you understand what you are experiencing.

 

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

 

 

Thanks. I have heard of it due to the abuse I experienced as a child but I never connected it to my relationship with god. It really makes sense when I think about it now.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

Thanks again everyone for you kind words. Today I was suddenly hit with a longing for God, for the relationship I (thought I) had. After days of anger I suddenly want to run back into the arms of my abuser??? This has been so much like a deeply abusive relationship for me. No wonder it is taken me so much time to recover...sigh.

This is what is known as "Stockholm Syndrome".  It is also not uncommon during deconversion.  Although it is most often associated with hostage situations, it has also been linked to abusive relationships.  Essentially, in either case, the captive/abused comes to feel deep empathy and even a warped sense of love for the captor/abuser.  I recommend you do some research on it; it will help you understand what you are experiencing.

 

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

 

 

Thanks. I have heard of it due to the abuse I experienced as a child but I never connected it to my relationship with god. It really makes sense when I think about it now.

 

Glad I could help.