My Life In A Nutshell

[violetbutterfly]

Hi everyone.   I'm brand spanking new, both to the board and to the idea that what I've been beliving my whole life might not actually be true. Finding this website has been amazing for me. I've been reading these forums constantly for a week, and I wish I could quote and comment on almost everything I've read so far. I find myself nodding along, and thinking "FINALLY! Someone else understands!" My mind is a mess of thoughts and ideas. I hope I can convey them into a post that makes some sense (and isn't the length of a novel). I've been writing and editing this post for days. I do hope to keep this thread going as sort of a journal as I go along. Warning: I'm kind of a rambler. You may want to make some popcorn and pull up a comfy chair.

I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school, which was truly hell for me. It was a tiny school and I was bullied relentlessly. I was a sweet, emotional kid which made me an easy target. The bullies (aka blessed Catholic school children) took full advantage of that. I always kind of felt like being Catholic was more of a cultural thing than a religious thing in my family, and as I got older I lost a lot of my Catholicism in favor of straight up generic bible-centered Christianity. My grandparents were strict Catholics, but my parents were sort of "Christian Lite." Still, somehow I was never able to get past the guilt that had been instilled in me and I think once I decided to really embrace Christianity, I became my own worst enemy.

I read a post here where someone mentioned they knew a woman who married the person she thought God wanted her to marry, and ended up missing out on her true love. I wanted to cry when I read that, as I can totally relate. And it's partially the catalyst for me being here today. I passed up my true love, A, for a husband who looked good on paper because of my Christian ideals at the time. Good Christian girls don't live together before marriage. They don't have pre-marital sex. They get married and have babies and submit to their husbands. And if God blesses your marriage, everything will be just super. A and I met at 15 and were crazy about each other from the moment we met, but we never dated (I didn't date anyone). We hung out a lot and kissed sweetly a few times but were too shy to make anything happen. When I was 20, he told me he was in love with me. But he was not in a position at the time to marry me and take care of me. So instead of telling him I was in love with him too, I pushed him away and married the first person who could. 

I'm sure you can guess how well that worked out. I spent 11 years in misery, because I could not bring myself to get divorced. I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake and I didn't want to be a statistic. But I also knew that GOD HATES DIVORCE. I felt guilty every single day just for considering divorce. I tried constantly to justify my misery by telling myself that no marriage is perfect and everyone has problems. But I knew deep down this was different. It was wrong. By the time I eventually left, we were barely speaking. We never had sex. He didn't pay any attention to me. We were nothing more than roommates, with me playing the role of his maid. I even decided that despite the fact I always wanted children, I was not going to have children with him. When I finally did leave him, I thought I might die from the guilt. I dropped 30 lbs instantly. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function. The guilt was debilitating. But I figured, even though GOD HATES DIVORCE, he loves us, right? Jesus died for our sins, right? God forgives us, right? I'll turn to my religion for comfort. Ha! The more I looked for comfort, the worse I felt. What I found was that divorce is apparently the one unforgivable sin. You could murder someone and God will forgive you on the spot if you'll just ask. But divorce is a ticket straight to hell. The only obvious reason you want a divorce is your own selfishness. You want to have sex with someone else (it's always about sex). God joined you and you may not separate what God joined. If you remarry, that is just as much adultery as if you screwed a stranger in a bar bathroom while married. YOU ARE AN ADULTERER. And you always will be. The same way a murderer is always a murderer even after he's forgiven. Unless of course, you decide to live a completely celibate life as a single. Mostly though, there are no exceptions. It was awful to see MY reasons for divorce listed under "unacceptable" excuses. I found that if you're already divorced, you must attempt to reunite with your ex and resume the marriage. If either of you are already remarried, you must REPENT, as in, truly regret the divorce and take it back if you could in order for God to forgive you. And that wasn't happening. I truly regretted ever getting married in the first place, but that was also listed under unacceptable excuses.  Even if your husband beats you to a bloody pulp, even if he hurts your children, even if you are completely neglected. The answer is PRAYER. He hadn't cheated, and he wasn't a non-believer (the two "acceptable" reasons for divorce, depending on who you asked). I was the one who left. I was the sinful, "unbelieving," spouse. And because I had a short rebound relationship (after 32 years of pent up sexual frustration, can you blame me?) I WAS the adulterer. I plan on starting another thread about Christianity's views on divorce, since there's a lot for me to heal from.

Needless to say, I drove myself crazy with guilt. I spent hours, sometimes days (yes, I wasted entire weekends off) looking for comfort, trying to find something that said God was going to forgive me, only to find nothing but affirmations that I was indeed a horrible, selfish person who was going to rot in hell. I spent hours in bed doing the ugly cry. I had myself convinced that my two choices were to accept my fate of burning in hell, or go back to my ex husband and accept that this life was hell. Either way, I lose. I could suffer in this life and go to heaven or be happy now and suffer for eternity. I lived in a nonstop cycle of guilt and misery and fear. I even felt suicidal. And then I felt guilty for feeling suicidal. I cut everything "sinful" out of my life. I got rid of my TV, stopped drinking, stopped reading magazines, stopped going out with friends. I tried to stick to only the positive "inspirational" Christian passages, but even those made me feel guilty because they highlighted my lack of faith. God couldn't work any miracles in my life if I didn't have complete blind faith. And how could I when I was a worthless sinner? More guilt. It was a nasty, vicious cycle of seeking approval and feeling guilt. I cried constantly. I laid in bed for days, sometimes didn't eat. I went around smiling in public and pretending everything was fine, but I lived in a constant fog of guilt and depression. I felt like every little thing that went wrong, just your average everyday annoyances, were all punishments from God for not believing enough or for being sad. I felt like it was a no-win situation. Whichever way you slice it, I was going to go to hell for one of my sins.

The irony is, I never got anything I wanted from the "blessed" marriage. I wanted guilt-free sex (which is funny because once you're Christian, there is no such thing) and I got celibacy because there was no sexual attraction on my end and he never cared enough to bother trying after a while. I wanted children and decided against it because kids with him would have been a mistake (thankfully I recognized that, though I felt guilty for being on birth control). I wanted a partner and I got someone who preferred to spend time alone, and who would not even share money with me. It was never "ours" it was mine and his. I didn't get sex, love, children or companionship out of the marriage. All I got was guilt, depression, and over a decade of wasted time (prime childbearing years, no less).

Throughout my craptastic marriage, I never stopped thinking about A. We never lost touch but we kept our distance. We saw each other every few years, and it was torture every time. I knew in my gut we should have been together. I thought about him all the time, and even recall thinking about him on my honeymoon, knowing he'd love the beach where we were and wondering if he'd ever been there. Meanwhile I was (already) being neglected by my new husband. We should have been madly in love and all over each other at that point, but we barely touched. On our honeymoon. RED FLAG! But hey, the marriage was blessed by God. *sigh* About five years after I made the gigantic mistake of marrying the wrong person, A made the same mistake I did. It was just as awful for him as it was for me. It was tough for me to watch. I spent a lot of time missing him (aka coveting my neighbor's spouse and committing adultery in my mind) and beating myself up for not making better decisions. But life is funny, because we both ended up separating about the same time and coincidentally were reunited while both in the process of getting divorced. At first I thought I was being tested (by God, by the devil, who knows?) but after all that time, and with us both being in love with each other for almost two decades, it's shouldn't be surprising that we finally ended up together. But of course, the happiess we felt was severely affected by the extreme guilt that ate away at both of us constantly. I was farther along in my divorce than he was, and his is more complicated than mine (and not over yet). The initial joy of the reunion was eventually replaced, once again, by extreme guilt. And any guilt I had from my own divorce was now magnified 10 fold. I felt like the worst person in the world. His religious family was down his throat to pray more and make his shitty, manipulative and emotionally abusive marriage work. Because GOD HATES DIVORCE. Now I was tangled in someone else's divorce...you can't get any more scandalous than that. I knew I was going straight to hell. And I was ANGRY. Because the whole situation was filled with irony. Because it was extremely unfair. Because they were my choices that had put us in this position. I pushed him away when he told me he loved me and I married my ex-husband instead, because I was trying to be a good little Christian. I didn't have sex with him in high school even though one night we found ourselves with the perfect opportunity, and I really wanted to, because good little Christian girls don't have teenage pre-marital sex. Funny that I found out later it would have been the first for both of us, and according to some of the bible thumpin' I've read, you are "joined flesh" with the first person with whom you fornicate. I find this to be hilariously ironic. Maybe we would have gotten over being so shy if we'd just had sex (I'm sort of kidding). Maybe he would have been whipped on me instead of the girl he eventually dated and who treated him like dirt. Who knows. I just find it funny that my "doing the right thing" always seemed to interfere with us ending up together. Maybe if I would have asked for a divorce sooner, when I was presented with the perfect opportunity but chickened out, we could have gotten together before he got married. Maybe if I would have told him how I felt when I was comforting him after his wife left him the first time, I would have gotten the courage to leave my marriage sooner and we could have gotten together before he tried to work it out with her and before they had a baby. What if x a million. I feel like doing the "right" thing put me on all the wrong paths. Once again, all of it caused a cycle of guilt, depression and anger. What a great combination. If only I had MORE FAITH and less focus on selfish, worldly things, like happiness and genuine love. Looking back with clarity, it's also awful to me that I wanted to get married at 20. I had so much living to do. But Christianity teaches young people that they can't have sex or cohabitate without marriage. So horny + guilty = mistakes in the name of religion.

Anyway, the cycle of misery continued, until one day I could not take it anymore and the bottom dropped out. I'd been talking to my parents about it a little bit, and the night before I'd sent my mom an email with a bunch of bible passages explaining how I was going to burn in hell for my sins. I told her THIS is why I am always so miserable. It was unfair because I had to make a choice that most people never have to make. My life was a cruel joke and I hated it and hated myself. I cried myself to sleep. It was a bad one. My mom always thought I was too hard on myself, but if you read the bible, it's in there. I was only hard on myself because I was doing research. My dad said that none of my sins mattered because our sins were forgiven when Jesus came, and he always reminded me of what Jesus said, "You're forgiven, go and sin no more." But that was the exact problem. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to be with A. I was at the edge of telling A I could never speak to him again and encouraging him to go back to his wife and do whatever it took to make his marriage work. I was going to accept that I was condemned for my sin and I did not want him to suffer the same fate. I was going to accept that my punishment was to be single, celibate and miserable for the rest of my life. And then I realized how completely fucking ridiculous that idea was. How utterly STUPID and illogical it was. I started to reconsider everything. EVERYTHING. I'd been wondering how a loving God could put me in this position. Why he would allow me to marry someone who made my life miserable from day one. How he could allow me to be reunited with the one person my heart desired (still, after two decades) only to be "testing" me to see if I would give into temptation. I'd thought maybe if I "did the right thing" and walked away from A, I'd be rewarded for my obedience by having him come after me or some nonsense. Then I realized how much of a mind fuck that was. All of it was a mind fuck. A deeply ingrained, complex mind fuck. I was about to lose my mind.

When I was younger, I was terrified to have doubt, even for a moment. If I did, I was fearful I'd be struck by lightning, or by a bus, or my house would burn down or I'd become paralyzed or disfigured as punishment. It was frightening. I recall thinking to myself a few times that I was extremely jealous of atheists. Because they wholeheartedly believed there was no God, no heaven, no hell, so every choice was purely theirs to make. But then I felt guilt and fear for even feeling that way for a moment, and I'd beg God to forgive me. When I had my moment of clarity, I started to reflect back on everything, and realized just how SILLY it all was. Initially, I was terrified. I felt defiant, and I was sure that at any moment something awful was going to happen. Once again, I felt fear that I was opening the door for the devil. I thought any minute there was going to be lighting, a bus, a fire, paralyzation, disfigurement, or even worse, that a demon was going to show up at the foot of my bed. The first day that I allowed myself to acknowledge that there could be another truth, and I didn't backpedal like I'd always done in the past, I lived in absolute fear. But I got through it. It was a completely normal day. In fact, I was actually kind of happy. The next day was better. Every time I'd feel myself backsliding, I'd think of some ridiculous hypocritical bible verse and I'd feel better. I can't believe in my heart that a loving God would say those words. So the only explanation I can think of is that he didn't. It feels like a fog has slowly been lifting. Interestingly, I haven't cried once. This is coming from someone who cried multiple times a day, every day, out of guilt and fear. And I have also felt a lot more optimistic. Which seems contradictory. But there have been several small incidents this week that previously would have convinced me I was being punished by God. Instead of kick staring my guilt/fear cycle, I just shrugged them off and made a phone call or did whatever I needed to do to remedy the situation. And it all worked out. It's been refreshing to acknowledge some of the things that always bothered me but that I wasn't allowed to question. You know, the obvious things, such as why are some people's lives fundamentally shittier than others, yet we are all expected to have unfaltering, blind faith? Why is there so much suffering in the world? Why are gay people expected to simply "resist temptation?" Why are some people born into severe poverty and hunger while others are born into good fortune? Why do awful, awful things happen to wonderful people, and why are they expected to JUST ACCEPT IT and never be angry? Am I really supposed to believe unbaptized children and anyone who is not a Christian are automatically going to burn in hell? Does the way you live your life not matter for anything? Basically, a lot of the things I've seen already being discussed on this board. It's also comforting to me that A is having similar feelings and doubts. He was having them before I was and initially it scared me but now I am glad we are traveling this road together.

I'll admit, this can be very uncomfortable at times. Sometimes things hit me like a punch in the gut. Sometimes in my downtime I start praying out of habit. This acknowledgement is very, very fresh. It's going to be a while before I can feel comfortable. But it angers me to think how much time I spent in misery and depression, believing I had to suffer for my sins. I made mistakes in my youth BECAUSE of my faith, and my faith is what kept me chained to them. I heard Spirit in the Sky on the radio today and it was kind of painful. I used to love that song. And I've had a few unpleasant dreams, though they weren't quite nightmares. My phone rang today and I realized my default ringtone is Hold On by the Alabama Shakes. "Bless my heart, bless my soul....there must be someone up above...." It's so ingrained in everything I do. I think it's going to take some time to heal. This board is helping me immensely. I've been lurking and so many things I've read here have confirmed what I was feeling. I'm also grateful for how loving and kind the members are. I found it while googling and the name initially scared me away. I was afraid I was going to find angry atheists spewing hate, but that's not what I found at all. I've already felt a sense of community, even though none of you knew I existed until now. And Margee, I already adore you. I have been feeling a sort of peace wash over me since my moment of clarity. I feel like things just are what they are and are no longer a direct punishment I deserve for something I've done. Everything just feels lighter. Some would say the devil was behind it. But that just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I've heard two songs in the past few days for the first time, and initially I liked them both for the music but realized the lyrics are amazing considering what I'm going through. One was Lanterns by Birds of Tokyo, and the other Blue Moon by Beck. Even though one is more optimistic than the other, they both represent the roller coaster of this journey I am embarking on. They were promptly downloaded into my itunes. It's as if the universe is telling me it's going to be okay.

I still want to believe that maybe there is some sort of God or spirit or creator, but not the angry, punishing God of the bible. I'm not sure what I'm going to believe in the end. I feel like maybe every religion has different ideas about the same God but nobody got it quite right. I want to believe in the bigger picture, and not a scary old guy watching my every move and waiting for me to make a mistake so I can be sent to the flames. I just can't believe any longer that that's how things are. Now that I feel a bit of freedom to explore, I'd like to do research into some of the world's other religions and beliefs. I still feel very spiritual. I am a very sensitive person and the details of life resonate deeply for me. I believe in guardian angels, but I think they are simply humans in the right place at the right time. My dad was a truck driver for 30 years and I'll never forget a story he told me as a kid. He was out making a delivery in a rural area and came across an elderly man who had driven off the road while crossing some railroad tracks and managed to get his car hung up on the rails. The man was scared and refused to get out of the car. Another trucker was passing and also stopped to see what was going on. The two of them decided to use some equipment they had to lift the man's car off the tracks. They did, and a few moments later a freight train came through. My dad just got in his truck and drove away. To that man, my dad appeared out of nowhere and saved his life. I like to think that with all the horror and hate in this world, it is other humans who can appear in our life for just a moment and positively affect it forever.

My screen name references butterflies. To me they represent rebirth and freedom. I've always loved the quote, "As soon as the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." I've been living by that this past year. I've been doing things I never thought I could do. Since I left my ex-husband (and walked away from our house, our dog, his pension) with only the money I had in my own bank account, I've managed to work, save and buy my own place. I've been eating healthy, working out, and trying to take care of myself and my health. Now I feel like I can work on my emotional well being as well. I'm truly better now than I've ever been.

I feel like this is the longest intro post ever, and I haven't even scratched the surface of what I want to say. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a lot of posting. I've seen some of you say you lurked for months before posting or read thousands of posts before contributing your own. I guess I'm the kind of person who gradually moves toward something and doesn't even realize it until it slaps me in the face. It's probably mostly denial. But as I stated, I was miserable in my marriage the entire time, yet one day I was just DONE. I decided I wanted the divorce. And I wanted it NOW. I got my affairs in order and left within three days of making the decision. I guess the same could be said for my faith. It was stale and stagnant for a long time, but when I really needed comfort I turned to it, and in the process of chasing something I was never going to catch, I was unknowingly chipping away at it. And suddenly it hit me all at once. All of the things I am able to say right now, I have been thinking for a while, I just suppressed them. About a month ago, I even told A I was worried I was going to end up an atheist with all the research I had been doing, and what it had been doing to me. He said he knew exactly what I meant. And of course I backpedaled, felt extremely guilty and apologized to God for even thinking that for a moment. I needed the courage to, just once, be able to question my faith without automatically backpedaling and apologizing. And once I got past that, it was like the floodgates opened.

One more random thought: I was about 10 when the movie Ghost with Patrick Swayze came out. I probably wasn't supposed to watch it but I somehow did anyway. Looking back now, I realize the first time I saw it I was confused as to how Patrick Swayze's character got into heaven at the end, being that he was living with his girlfriend and having sex before marriage. THAT is what I took away from that movie. I thought he should have been dragged to hell with the murderers. If that's not sick and sad, I don't know what is.


 

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Violetbutterfly, and welcome to ExC.

 

Thank you for sharing your interesting story. As I was reading, I hoped you and A would end up together. I was glad to see you two have!

 

Your extimony has several themes: guilt, fear, regret, wrong choices, marriage, divorce, true love, triumph. Your triumph was learning the source of so many problems was only man made and not actually handed down by a god. I, as do many others here, know the difficulty of coming to terms with the falsity and outright cruelty of Christianity. It sounds like you are healing now. Good for you.

 

Do not worry about what you believe or don't believe about whether or not there is a god. Try continuing your healing for now and let the other issue take care of itself when you are ready for it. You never know, you may end up shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Who knows?" and simply getting on with your life.

[Geezer]

Welcome to the home of the free and the brave!  

 

Your story exemplifies everything that is wrong with religion. And you correctly identified religion as being one enormous mind fuck. First they brainwash you and then they control you with fear. Sadly, some never figure out the promised reward (heaven) can never be achieved because it is simply not possible to be good enough to please god. So, those poor indoctrinated fools, continue to reach for the golden ring not realizing they will never catch it because it's an illusion,....it's an evil fairy tale that is being sold as real historical events written by eyewitnesses. And billions of people are gullible enough to believe it. Sad...very sad.

[Guest MadameX]

So many here can totally relate to your story. You are not alone!

[♦ ficino ♦]

Welcome, violetbutterfly.  I saw some of your posts from yesterday and was wondering whether we'd been seeing your ex-timony.  I like your avatar, btw.  Ancient Greek art sometimes represents the soul as a butterfly.  You see it in depictions based on the lovely myth of Cupid and Psyche (=soul), where they have butterfly wings.

 

I'm an ex-Catholic, too.  I relate to a lot of what you say, although my life experiences happened in a different order from yours.  You mentioned gay people and how the church's message is unjust in their case.  That was me.  When I met my first lover, I took the plunge.  I wept thinking that I could never pray the rosary again.  But time took care of things, and after a while I realized how Christianity, despite its good points, is a lie.  I never thought I would become an atheist;  I was always afraid to think about that and I thought atheists were somehow sinister.  Now I am one, and I've learned that there are many trustworthy, kind, faithful people who don't believe in theism.

 

It's exciting to be able to say "yes" to life, isn't it?

[AlwaysNow]

That was a very interesting and well written life story to this point.  I'm happy you found this place of healing, and I am happy to know that you and A have reconnected.

 

So much of our misery comes from the near constant replay of our travails in our mind, but those are thoughts of the past or projections into the future, and the result is the feeling of guilt or anxiety.  If you can, just stop the mental storytelling and look at what is actually present in this very moment.  In this very moment of now no story is being told, and without a story you are free of everything.  This is actually a powerful thing and it seems simple, but it's a difficult thing to do because we are so attached to and conditioned by the thought process.  In other words, without even realizing it as it happens we create an identity out of our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us and how we relate to all of that.

 

Those beliefs have been externally fed to us since we were very young, initially by our parents, and then by our environment, our culture, our educational system, our nation, and for many of us by our religion. It doesn't take long to internalize these beliefs and then use them as the basis of our very identity.   But what we ARE is not our beliefs; those are just ideas planted in our minds, and we mistake them for reality.  They are not reality, they are only thoughts.

 

Therefore, we must be something else, something that was already present before our lives become so dominated by thinking.  Our real nature doesn't depend upon our minds, but until one discovers what that is for oneself the mind can remain a source of misery.  Right now you are sensing the relief of discarding a bunch of nonsense that was drummed into your head by religious teachings and reinforced by others.  You are feeling the lightness of letting go of that heavy load of crap you've been carrying around in your mind - good for you!  And when you find yourself thinking negative thoughts take a step back and say to yourself, "These are just more thoughts, they aren't reality," and let them drop away.  Don't feed them by believing they are true and you deprive them of the power to make you feel guilty or anxious.  

 

Take time to walk in nature and put your attention on what's actually physically present, all the sights, sounds, smells, and whatever is tangible and real.  Drink it all in because that's reality.  Pay attention to "what is, as it is".  This means that thoughts and labels about any of it are ultimately meaningless because that is just more mind stuff that you're drawing up from your memory banks.  Return attention to reality over and over again and you'll find old story lines withering away.

 

This is what's called "staying present".  When you are lost in thought, caught up in ideas about yourself, others, god, or anything else you lose the sense of lightness, the lightness of just being fully present here now, unburdened by mind.  Without the burden of thoughts what you actually are prior to thought makes itself known.  This is a journey of discovery and realization for oneself what is real and what isn't.  Letting go of your religious indoctrination is a huge step in that journey.  Congratulations.  Peace.

[xtify]

Welcome, violetbutterfly.  Your story is one of guilt and loss, but it is also a beautiful love story.  I really hope you and A live happily ever after.  I hope this forum is as helpful to you as it has been for me in dealing with the guilt and moving forward to a better way of life.

[Margee]

Welcome Violetbutterfly! Man-oh-man I wish we could get together right now and have a big cup of coffee together.Thank you for sharing that personal story.

 

It's just like I joined your soul reading that story..mine is soooo the same. I'm almost breathless right now because I can relate to just about everything you said about being too sensitive, too guilty, too this, too that. My whole life has been also ruled by these emotions and wanting to please the christian god so much. I think today, I might be an expert on relationships because I have failed in them so many times. I was married to a 'born again' husband who abused me emotionally and physically but I thought for sure god was going to change our whole situation. I wasted 11 years of my life on that. And because of the guilt, I still to this day, have a hard time holding my head up high but it is getting better. I am so glad you are here honey. You are 'home' with all of us who lost our faith in the christian god. Post everyone of your concerns. This support commuity is the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

Go be with your soul mate hon...that's where you belong. Go have a lot of fun today. We'll help you deal with all the shit along the way. But for today....go and have fun. There is no christian god, you are not going to burn in hell. It's all a lie. We've been told a terrible lie. Now that you know that, you can fix your life. I give you a huge *hug* today. Thank for for the beautiful compliment...I already adore you too!! Lol

 

Margee

[lareason]

Welcome violetbutterfly! I love the name. I read every word of your post and I feel like I totally understand where you are coming from. I think I am in a similar place in my deconversion and reading your words was like being in my own mind. I am so grateful for your story and so happy that you have turned away from the mind-fuckery and are now embracing and living YOUR life! At one point I was ready to walk away from my own beautiful, committed and amazing relationship because people at church said my boyfriend wasn't a Christian leader and I needed to be with someone who could lead me in my faith. Thank goodness I didn't listen, because my relationship is so full of love and happiness (and, gasp, we have sex.)

 

Looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts. You are an eloquent writer. I'm still new to all of this so I don't have too much advice for you, but I am right there with you figuring out things as I go along and loving this new world I've found.

[Deva]

Violetbutterfly: I read your story. Glad  you are here. I can relate to your story, please continue to share your thoughts with us.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

In a way, I wish I had your story.  I had a soulmate once, but I broke up with her because "she wasn't god's will for me."  We've kept in touch off-and-on over the years, but both ended up in the wrong marriages and never got the chance to reconnect like yourself and A.

 

Beyond that, all I can add to what others have said is that you have done nothing in your life for which you should feel guilty.  If anybody ever tells you differently, immediately question their motives; it's likely you'll find they are trying to manipulate you in some way.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

I've found this a good place to just to "be yourself" (as far as is possible in a virtual world, I suppose).  You will find support and undestanding.  All the best.

[RipVanWinkle]

Violetbutterfly: Your post is sound proof (like countless others) of the malicious lie that is christianity. As time goes on I believe you will feel better and better. Just keep educating yourself on Xtianity, its history, bible criticism, bible history and the like and your brain which is now filled with lies will be filled with the truth about Xtianity. Every time I hear stories like yours it sickens and angers me

because, while there are many Xtians who honestly believe the myth, I am convinced there are many who know exactly what they are doing to people but had rather get the sick pleasure out of it. They are sadists. And then there are those who get rich off of their lies. 

 

Just ask yourself repeatedly , "what kind of a god would torture his own creation beyond measure"? It is the greatest lie ever told, 

isn't it? You will get no cruelty here, only love and understanding. We'll all benefit from your presence. Just the fact that you are here shows you have great courage. bill

[GraphicsGuy]

Hello, violetbutterfly, welcome to Ex-C!

 

Much of your ex-testimony really rang true with my own experience:

 

Still, somehow I was never able to get past the guilt that had been instilled in me and I think once I decided to really embrace Christianity, I became my own worst enemy.

I had a lot of guilt from a really early age as well. I have come to believe that Christianity is very dangerous for some people. I really believe that children should not be introduced to the religion at all. It should be something entered consciously into and taken very seriously - it needs to be a well-informed decision, not just a "sinner's prayer" and some feel-good emotions.

 

I read a post here where someone mentioned they knew a woman who married the person she thought God wanted her to marry, and ended up missing out on her true love. I wanted to cry when I read that, as I can totally relate.

I believe there are many people here who had that same experience. I, too, should have married someone else rather than the woman I did marry. Actually, I don't believe I ever should have gotten married at all. It's why I choose to "live in sin" with my current partner.

 

I'm sure you can guess how well that worked out. I spent 11 years in misery, because I could not bring myself to get divorced. I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake and I didn't want to be a statistic. But I also knew that GOD HATES DIVORCE. I felt guilty every single day just for considering divorce. I tried constantly to justify my misery by telling myself that no marriage is perfect and everyone has problems.

I can really relate to this. There were even times when my wife told me that I was "free to leave", but her mental and emotional grip on me and the Bible/church said otherwise.

 

... and who would not even share money with me. It was never "ours" it was mine and his...

I can really relate to that one...although it was more like her money was hers and my money was "ours".

 

So horny + guilty = mistakes in the name of religion.

One of the best lines I've read in a while.

 

Then I realized how much of a mind fuck that was. All of it was a mind fuck. A deeply ingrained, complex mind fuck. I was about to lose my mind.

When it hits, it hits like a Mack Truck, hey?

 

I've heard two songs in the past few days for the first time, and initially I liked them both for the music but realized the lyrics are amazing considering what I'm going through. One was Lanterns by Birds of Tokyo, and the other Blue Moon by Beck. Even though one is more optimistic than the other, they both represent the roller coaster of this journey I am embarking on. They were promptly downloaded into my itunes. It's as if the universe is telling me it's going to be okay.

Again, I had a very similar experience. I used to listen to only Christian music while in the cult and as I was deconverting, I was so distraught and confused and I couldn't put words to my emotions. For some reason I was drawn to Bon Jovi's "Have a Nice Day" when I heard a brief clip on the radio and on a whim I bought the CD. I ended up having to pull my car over on the side of road while I had a complete emotional breakdown and listened to the first 3 songs over and over and over again. Everything I was feeling was wrapped up in the lyrics to those songs. They still hold a special place in my life.

 

I still want to believe that maybe there is some sort of God or spirit or creator, but not the angry, punishing God of the bible. I'm not sure what I'm going to believe in the end.

It will take time, but you will figure out what you want to believe. Your life is yours now. You will pick up things here and drop things there and it will all be much better from hereon.

[amateur]

violetbutterfly, welcome!  Your story is amazing.  And specifically, your paragraph on divorce and what the church believes about divorce, is not only my experience but could be a complete, perfectly-written damning testimonial on what the church does to people who truly should be divorced.  I was agnostic and my then-husband (now ex) an atheist when we got divorced, but it's hard to overcome years of ingrained mis-education about religion's opinion of divorce, and the guilt was horrendous for me, mainly because of my kids and what divorce "might do to them."  Oddly enough, both kids turned out excellently, even with living through our divorce!  Trust me, I could not joke about that back then.  

 

To this day, I cannot bear religious discussions on divorce, or even secular ones that center around "people get divorced too easily nowadays," "9 times out of 10 if there's a divorce, then there was a third person involved," "the children of divorced parents end up (take your pick) failing school, committing crimes, making illegitimate babies, or going thru multiple partners and divorces themselves," and "people that want divorced are only being selfish and putting their own happiness above anybody else's."  That is all fucking bullshit as I do not know one person who woke up a bit bored one morning and thought, "Hmm, what to do today?  I dunno.  I think I'll get divorced!"

 

Adults know what is best for them.  We do not need some authority figure giving us cookie-cutter advice on how to run our lives.

 

Music helped me a lot, too, during the hardest times after my divorce.  My main emotional go-to's were Alice Cooper and The Ramones.  Not their more popular songs, but their more beautiful, deeper, lesser-known songs.  To me, those musicians are human beings who are/were able to express deep emotions, pain, and hope through their flaws and because of their flaws.  One's a recovered (or recovering) alcoholic, the others suffered from various mental illnesses and addictions (brought about by mental illness), but they could all say things in their music that would stop me in my tracks and make me cry in pain, sympathy, or hope, or sometimes make me laugh, and sometimes make me feel like somebody else in this world understood what I feel right now.  I don't need an imaginary friend to help me with problems, I have actual, real friends, and other real people I don't know personally, but have reached out through their art to let me know that I am understood and others have felt like I have and gotten through it, or not, but we all share in those emotions and feelings.

 

"No one ever thought this one would survive
Helpless child, gonna walk a drum beat behind
Lock you in a dream, never let you go
Never let you laugh or smile, not you.
Well, I just want to walk right out of this world,
'Cause everybody has a poison heart"  --  "Poison Heart" The Ramones, Dee Dee Ramone