Agnostic, Christian, Athiest...should This Matter When Finding Friendships/relationships?

March 25, 2014

Do you have any close friends or partners in your life who have a different belief system than you? Does it have a negative effect in the relationship, or do you both just agree to disagree?

For those of you who are atheist/agnostic, what if you fell in love or liked a christian? What if they weren't pushing you to believe like them... should you put any hope into a close friendship or relationship? Or do you think overtime they would try to push their beliefs on you -- try to "save", convert, or witness to you?

I personally think two people with different views on spiritual and afterlife issues could still get along well in a relationship....as long as they respect the differences, are open minded, and know they can't change the other person (and don't want to change them).

Plus, I'm not liking the person for their beliefs. I'm liking them for their personality, them in general. Not their spiritual life or religious path.

I think it depends on the type of person though.

I like someone who is a strong christian, but not a strict one. They take Jesus seriously and refer to themselves as a "Jesus Freak", but they don't seem close minded. This person is very accepting and kind, also aware that I am no longer a christian and want nothing to do with Christianity.

Their response -

They don't think god is through with me even if I feel I'm done with god, religion, and my dead faith. But they also accept me as I am.

They're not pushy about anything, but I think in their mind they believe that overtime god will speak to me or get me back to following him.

I totally accept the person for their own christian beliefs, as long as they don't try to change my own views or try to shove religion down my throat.

So far, this person and me get along very well and have been for months. Both interested in each other, but I don't know whether it's meant to be or a mistake.

I am worried that in the future they will regret being with me and would prefer someone walking their way - the christian life stuff.

Possibly, they won't mind me finding my own path and being a free thinker.

I'm curious on other ex-christian opinions or experiences.

March 25, 2014

Many Christians are quite difficult to deal with if you don't share their delusion. I see people of other persuasions getting along just fine when there is no agenda to make someone agree with another's opinion.

March 25, 2014

Try having a relationship with the guy and find out!

Personally as an Agnostic / recovering fundamentalist Christian, I find all the Christians I know infuriating when talking about anything in depth. Once I was dating a girl... she invited me back to her place after a few dates... and then seeing a bible, I discovered she was a Christian. So I started talking to her about reasons for living / causality / ways people derive meaning. After sitting through her pat Christian answers I knew I could never respect her and just walked away. For me a persons values are the most important thing... if someone values dogma over evidence, as a way of "knowing", I could never respect them. Having said that, I think I could manage an Christian who examined evidence, who was interested in truth above dogma. As far as I have experienced these Christians are very, very rare. Out of the hundreds I have met, I only know two!

March 25, 2014

I think it depends on the individual person, and I personally get along better with people who are not militant about whatever they believe in. My dad always said, "I'm a lover, not a fighter," and I have to agree with that.

My first husband was atheist when I was still mildly believing/becoming agnostic. My current husband is mildly believing and I am now atheist. The first marriage ended for reasons that had nothing to do with religion, and we get along now as friends and parents of our kids, neither of whom are believers. My second marriage works because we just really like each other a LOT, and he also gets along with my kids and my ex!

I have one dear friend who is an atheist, and another who's a sincere Catholic. My atheist friend is married to another atheist and they have a lot of problems based on his drinking. My Catholic friend has been married something like 27 years, and a bit under 10 years ago her husband, who had always been a good Catholic, decided he was Buddhist. Because he tried to hide that for a while (don't even ask how you can hide that! It obviously didn't work!) it caused problems, but they truly like each other and it has worked out fine because he finally opened up and they were able to discuss it all fully. Their house has some crucifixes and a Buddhist shrine. Of their six kids, one at least has become Buddhist and others I'm not actually sure. Their home is very calm to be in and they are both relaxing to be around.

I don't get along with people who try to change me, whether it's religious, political, or any other strong belief. I certainly don't mind people with different beliefs who are not pushy because it's always interesting to hear other people's ideas about the world.

I also don't like being around horribly hypocritical people. I know one guy who goes on and on about religion and wanting to be a preacher, but then he's always cheating on his wife who's a very sincere xian. And she knows it and hates it and leaves and keeps coming back because she's afraid to be alone or something. That relationship is not just hypocritical but also dysfunctional and hyper-dramatic to a degree that I quit talking to both of them. I know another couple that both cheat on each other and I believe they are both ok with it and are both atheists I think, and they're all right because they keep it between themselves and don't drag their drama into every conversation. They are an unusual couple, but if they're around it's not like you're in the audience of the Jerry Springer Show, they're just pleasant people with an interesting private life.

The biggest problem, in my opinion, is if a couple gets together with mis-matched beliefs and have kids. Someone needs to compromise, and if the compromise doesn't bother the one who compromises more, it's fine. But if either of you has to put up with something you truly don't believe in (raising kids in an evangelical church where the non-believer will be judged, or raising kids as free-thinkers when a believer will truly worry about the fates of their souls) then that will cause issues over time. Eighteen plus years of child-raising with nagging issues, either way, would be a painful way to live.

March 25, 2014

In my mind it depends upon how extreme the Xtian is in his/her belief. For example, if she believes that all non-christians will go to hell--I mean really believes - then at some point I think it would become a real problem. I lost a christian friend because he really believed I would go to hell if I didn't convert.

I think a lot of christians are christians from habit. They don't truly believe that anybody goes to hell, but they don't want to think deeply about their faith. It's too disturbing for them.

But an Xtian who strongly believes will try to convert you with all their might, thereby driving you crazy. So the answer is it, depends.

bill

March 25, 2014

In my mind it depends upon how extreme the Xtian is in his/her belief. For example, if she believes that all non-christians will go to hell--I mean really believes - then at some point I think it would become a real problem. I lost a christian friend because he really believed I would go to hell if I didn't convert.

I think a lot of christians are christians from habit. They don't truly believe that anybody goes to hell, but they don't want to think deeply about their faith. It's too disturbing for them.

But an Xtian who strongly believes will try to convert you with all their might, thereby driving you crazy. So the answer is it, depends.

bill

Good point... the extremity of there belief determines how they will act

The person I know who is a christian, seems to ultimately believe god exists and that he's real, but he also thinks treating everyone with love is good. He has non christian friends.

So I don't think it's super extreme.

March 25, 2014

Try having a relationship with the guy and find out!

Personally as an Agnostic / recovering fundamentalist Christian, I find all the Christians I know infuriating when talking about anything in depth. Once I was dating a girl... she invited me back to her place after a few dates... and then seeing a bible, I discovered she was a Christian. So I started talking to her about reasons for living / causality / ways people derive meaning. After sitting through her pat Christian answers I knew I could never respect her and just walked away. For me a persons values are the most important thing... if someone values dogma over evidence, as a way of "knowing", I could never respect them. Having said that, I think I could manage an Christian who examined evidence, who was interested in truth above dogma. As far as I have experienced these Christians are very, very rare. Out of the hundreds I have met, I only know two!

They are rare... I haven't met many

March 25, 2014

I think it depends on the individual person, and I personally get along better with people who are not militant about whatever they believe in. My dad always said, "I'm a lover, not a fighter," and I have to agree with that.

My first husband was atheist when I was still mildly believing/becoming agnostic. My current husband is mildly believing and I am now atheist. The first marriage ended for reasons that had nothing to do with religion, and we get along now as friends and parents of our kids, neither of whom are believers. My second marriage works because we just really like each other a LOT, and he also gets along with my kids and my ex!

I have one dear friend who is an atheist, and another who's a sincere Catholic. My atheist friend is married to another atheist and they have a lot of problems based on his drinking. My Catholic friend has been married something like 27 years, and a bit under 10 years ago her husband, who had always been a good Catholic, decided he was Buddhist. Because he tried to hide that for a while (don't even ask how you can hide that! It obviously didn't work!) it caused problems, but they truly like each other and it has worked out fine because he finally opened up and they were able to discuss it all fully. Their house has some crucifixes and a Buddhist shrine. Of their six kids, one at least has become Buddhist and others I'm not actually sure. Their home is very calm to be in and they are both relaxing to be around.

I don't get along with people who try to change me, whether it's religious, political, or any other strong belief. I certainly don't mind people with different beliefs who are not pushy because it's always interesting to hear other people's ideas about the world.

I also don't like being around horribly hypocritical people. I know one guy who goes on and on about religion and wanting to be a preacher, but then he's always cheating on his wife who's a very sincere xian. And she knows it and hates it and leaves and keeps coming back because she's afraid to be alone or something. That relationship is not just hypocritical but also dysfunctional and hyper-dramatic to a degree that I quit talking to both of them. I know another couple that both cheat on each other and I believe they are both ok with it and are both atheists I think, and they're all right because they keep it between themselves and don't drag their drama into every conversation. They are an unusual couple, but if they're around it's not like you're in the audience of the Jerry Springer Show, they're just pleasant people with an interesting private life.

The biggest problem, in my opinion, is if a couple gets together with mis-matched beliefs and have kids. Someone needs to compromise, and if the compromise doesn't bother the one who compromises more, it's fine. But if either of you has to put up with something you truly don't believe in (raising kids in an evangelical church where the non-believer will be judged, or raising kids as free-thinkers when a believer will truly worry about the fates of their souls) then that will cause issues over time. Eighteen plus years of child-raising with nagging issues, either way, would be a painful way to live.

It's very annoying when they're militant about it.

The situation with the Buddhist and the catholic sounds interesting, I'm glad they still made it work. I'm not sure what catholics believe it takes to get to heaven - do they just follow good works and repentance?

If a catholic is married to a Buddhist, would they worry about their spouse going to hell or would she consider him a good person and going to the same afterlife as her?

Maybe a silly question, but I am just wondering

Because most of my family is into Christianity. & they believe the only way to heaven is through a "personal" relationship with god, without repentance and salvation, you go to hell, and all that crap.

Thanks for your input, good things to think about.

March 25, 2014

Three of my oldest and best friends are pastors.

March 25, 2014

Mm... for me, it just depends on how willing the other person is on respecting boundaries. As long as they're not trying to shove their religion down my throat, I can usually get along with them just fine. If they want to pray for me to come back to Jesus, it's their time they're wasting, not mine.

March 26, 2014

For me it depends, is the individual willing to compromise and not millitant in their belief. Is he also willing to stand up for our relationship in the face of a conservative religious family? I've learned the hard way that religious family members can ruin a relationship. I dated a lapsed Muslim and our relationship was a wonderful one; we both respected each others beliefs and built each other up. We had similiar views concerning spirituality in that we believe in the universe although I was more atheistic. One day he sprung it onto me he was moving back into his parents place (we were planning on moving in together in an apartment) and going back to his home country for his brother's wedding (the day before he had to leave). Well, he came back a married man, got roped into an arranged marriage. I really thought he was the one for me, but he didn't fight for our love and he also didn't have the courage to tell me upfront about this possibility. He said his mother played the "Its tradition card" and there was peer pressure since all his brothers were getting married.

It wasn't his personal religious belief that interfered with our marriage, it was his family who had a problem with our relationship. The biggest slap in the face next to the arranged marriage being planned and occurring behind my back, was the fact that they didn't even take the time to get to know me before writing me off. I never even met his mother

What I learned from this experience is both parties need to have faith in their love and being willing to stand up for their love; to have the courage to stand together in the face of opposition. Also, be straight with each other. Simply hinting about things like this is not good enough, you can't expect your partner to be a mind reader.

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Agnostic, Christian, Athiest...should This Matter When Finding Friendships/relationships?

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