vandert Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Since coming clean about my agnosticism, I've been experiencing a flood of highly negative emotions. Being a complete emotional idiot, it takes lots of time for me to process exactly what it is I am feeling. I have reached the conclusion that what I've been experiencing is resentment. At first, this resentment seemed directed at my wife and children. This seemed illogical to me as they have done nothing, absolutely nothing to deserve such anger. My wife is a Christian and would prefer it if I were as well yet she's never tried to pull me back into the fold so to speak. She has taken a live and let live attitude about the whole thing. And my children? Anger directed at them is just plain wrong when it comes to Christianity. Things started making sense after I realized resentment doesn't have to apply to a single person. It didn't occur to me that one can resent an entire group of people or an institution (I feel certain many readers are thinking "duh!" Please see the first paragraph concerning the emotional idiot thing.). Suddenly things became very clear and the negativity directed at my wife and kids suddenly vanished. I realized Christians were the real target of my angst. This seemed a little baffling at first as I have had few explicitly negative encounters with Christians from my church. The people I interacted with never berated anyone about faith and did not get defensive when I had questions. For the most part they were kind and loving people so how could I resent them? What I came to realize is I resent the implicit message that if you don't believe and behave like a Christian, you are broken and in need of fixing. There is something very wrong with you and you are essentially a danger to yourself. Not only that but you either are endangering or will endanger your family. Essentially, the message is you are not acceptable as you are. The majority of Christians I've interacted with are not at all mean when it comes to this implicit message. They sincerely believe non-Christians are in serious trouble and want to help them. I understand where they are coming from, however, that belief is inherently condescending. The premise upon which the belief is based is basically "we are right and you are wrong." While I believe they are approaching unbelief in a kind manner, it's still highly insulting. For nearly 10 years I've felt serious tension over my deep involvement in Christianity. I suppose this is the experience of cognitive dissonance. I've tried to rationalize my beliefs so they would fit with those who surrounded me. I've told myself things like "I didn't grow up with this so it just feels uncomfortable but it will get better over time." I've sat silently in bible discussions not wanting to make waves or become a group project. I guess one could say I've suppressed my agnostic beliefs in order to keep the peace. Unfortunately, all that has achieved is bitter resentment. I discussed this discovery with my wife last night which released quite a bit of weight from my chest. I believe this is the beginning of overcoming the resentment and moving forward. It is also the beginning of some rough times in my marriage. It's ironic I spent years rationalizing my beliefs in order to avoid the rough times, all the while being miserable. Now that I've accepted and expressed my beliefs, I am ready to deal with the rough times and I no longer feel miserable. 3
Woodsy Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Welcome, Vandert. You have found a safe place here where you can question and vent and make your way through your deconversion. You will find encouragement and support here from the wisdom of those who have gone through this journey. I certainly have after being a christian for many years. This is a rough journey and you are in the middle of it. Hang in there and stay with us. Better days are coming. 1
Adam5 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Lots of resentment are posted on these threads. I think it can be part of the transition process from Christian to ex-Christian. For some people it takes time to adapt and let go of those feelings, and then move on in your life. The positive news is that having a more rational approach to life is better for your mental health and well being. Good luck. 1
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted March 27, 2014 Super Moderator Posted March 27, 2014 All your life you have been a round peg constantly being forced into a square hole. I went through the same thing when I first deconverted. Eventually, I realized that my resentment was against the people who indoctrinated me as a child. Realizing this gave me the opportunity to understand, deal with, and eventually walk away from my resentment. I hope this helps. 2
Roz Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 I fully empathize Vandert. Just from my perspective, I've discovered that my anger isn't really to any one person in my life, but on the system as a whole. As soon as one realizes that Christianity is a sham designed and perfected to keep people fearful of eternal consequences if they decide to question, the anger rises up.
florduh Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 They all think they're doing the right thing by spreading the Word and saving people from Hell. I only resent myself for being gullible enough to believe it (for a while).
Ellinas Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 It is difficult not to resent those who have sought to control you - and who would willingly continue so to do. Realizing the source of the resentment should at least help you to channel it towards those who deserve it - the bigots, the blind preachers, those who still seek to own your life. Taking control of the emotion will come in time.
LifeCycle Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Bro, I can totally relate... I wanted to lash out (still do) at Christians. It's a difficult spot to be in to feel like you've been duped and not be able to give those that duped you a good tongue-lashing because they simply don't know they're doing it. Perpetuating a lie and strengthening the focus of others time, energy and money onto a myth. It's completely fucked up. I want all that money back! I want all that time back! I want all that energy I wasted on being guilt-ridden because I never felt good enough for God to interact with me like he allegedly did others. Fuck that bullshit! I want that shit back! <--- See =) But I'm about 20 months an Atheist now. And sure, the pain has subsided some but it still comes back from time to time - especially when Christian bullshit forces its way into my life again for whatever reason. I want nothing to do with it. I just want to live free of the influence of fairy-tales. Unfortunately, in this neck of the woods, it's just asking too much. But you're in good, caring and understanding hands here... Let that shit out. We know all about it and it's great to surround yourself with people that share in the painful, alienating experience of deconversion. It's all good. It's tough at first, but it gets much better... Much better than it ever was when you believed it all. :-) 2
RipVanWinkle Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 It is true that Xtians try to exacerbate fear in people to "save" them. But I believe there fear is innate in every human that ever lived as a result of the nature of living in the real world. Diabolically malicious people realized long ago the vulnerability to fear all people shared and devised a clever way to control people with it: That is, christianity. When they discover they have been manipulated they have resentment toward whoever manipulated them. bill
sparklingphoenix Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 What I came to realize is I resent the implicit message that if you don't believe and behave like a Christian, you are broken and in need of fixing. There is something very wrong with you and you are essentially a danger to yourself. Not only that but you either are endangering or will endanger your family. Essentially, the message is you are not acceptable as you are. I can totally relate to this and you expressed everything so well. I've had a lot of the same resentments about Christianity too. I was indoctrinated as a child and I resent never being given the choice to be christian or not to be. I also still feel a lot of resentment because I never fit into the cookie cutter version of the perfect little church girl. I always felt like an outcast at church. Just like what RedProf said about trying to fit a circle into a square hole, it really hurts when people make you feel that you aren't good enough as you are and need to be fixed into the image that others think is better. I think one of the best things about being free from Christianity is that you get to be yourself and celebrate who you are and what you love. You get to explore and create yourself after being cut off from that by religion. The people on this site have been really helpful, caring, and so responsive to me within the short time I've been a member, so you've found a good place here Good luck in your deconversion process and you're not alone!
milesaway Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Any lingering resentment I feel is towards the people who treated me like shit even though I was nothing but nice to them, and the people who tried to suck me in. Otherwise, I feel like I'm past that stage for the most part. If anything, all I feel is pity toward them, pity that they're such horrible people while they think they're the bee's knees, and pity that they threw their entire lives away on a bunch of ancient folktales with absolutely nothing to show for it.
vandert Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 Thank you for all the kind words of encouragement. It is something I need right now.
GraphicsGuy Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Being a complete emotional idiot, it takes lots of time for me to process exactly what it is I am feeling. Oh wow. I can really relate to that, vandert. I believe that Xianity forces people to bury a lot of their emotions. When they surface, they aren't used to dealing with them, so it often comes out in bad ways. I spent a lot of years in counselling after leaving the cult just so I could learn to identify and deal with my emotions correctly. I'm glad you were able to take this step in coming to terms with your own emotions.
amateur Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Vandert, I have nothing different to add to any of the above posts as I agree with you and with the others. It does take time. There is resentment. Good for you for being introspective enough (and honest enough and brave enough) to not take out that resentment on your wife and kids. I hope you're learning from this site that you aren't alone in your feelings and in working out years of beliefs that you are now shedding. Keep thinking and keep posting on this site to help clear your head. It will eventually work its way out -- you won't need to live with that resentment for the rest of your life. And try to have some completely non-religious fun with your wife and kids!
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