LukeExChristian Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 I am so glad i broke free from christianity, from all of the garbage and buy-bull. It was so freeing. It was on January 19 2014 at about 3:30 in the morning when after much research that i admited to myself that i am an atheist. for the most part. i was excited, i was no longer enslaved in all the shit. two and a half months in... it doesnt feel right anymore. ever heard the phrase "ya never know what you have until it's gone"? it may have not been for the right reasons, but i felt my life had purpose. that it was all going to work out for me in the end because i was a christian. i did not not give a shit about the future or what i wanted to do with my life because god had a plan for me. i feel i kinda missed being a child and a teenager, the time when you discover the world and find out how it works, when instead i tried my damnedest to separate myself from society and not affiliate myself with anyone who wasnt "saved". and now i am a young adult. i am not sure why i look forward to anything in life now. i dont know shit about the opposite sex. i can still feel that "spirit man" thing ive been told about kicking in whenever i want to do something "unchristian" even though i know it isnt wrong. but it still feels bad so i dont enjoy those things. i feel i am just moseying along like a chicken. THE POINT: for rhose who are like me and HATE those who go on and on about the negatives in life, what are some things that fellow ex-C's do/did to get past the guilt/confusion/depression?
FreeThinkerNZ Posted March 29, 2014 Posted March 29, 2014 i feel i kinda missed being a child and a teenager, the time when you discover the world and find out how it works, You did miss out on many aspects of being a child and a teenager. Xianity does that to people. However, the rest of your life is "the time when you discover the world and find out how it works". Today and every day from now on you can generate awe and wonder through discovering the world and yourself, based on evidence and experience (two things you were denied by xian indoctrination). This is what gives me more purpose than I ever felt I had under xianity. 3
Blood Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 "God has a plan for you" is a fake euphemism for, "You have to do your own planning in life." That can seem kind of scary at first, but a successful life requires realistic goals, plans, and ideas, not revelations and prayers. Set some goals and work toward fulfilling them. Take responsibility. You are in control, not an invisible man in the sky. 3
midniterider Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I am so glad i broke free from christianity, from all of the garbage and buy-bull. It was so freeing. It was on January 19 2014 at about 3:30 in the morning when after much research that i admited to myself that i am an atheist. for the most part. i was excited, i was no longer enslaved in all the shit. two and a half months in... it doesnt feel right anymore. ever heard the phrase "ya never know what you have until it's gone"? it may have not been for the right reasons, but i felt my life had purpose. that it was all going to work out for me in the end because i was a christian. i did not not give a shit about the future or what i wanted to do with my life because god had a plan for me. i feel i kinda missed being a child and a teenager, the time when you discover the world and find out how it works, when instead i tried my damnedest to separate myself from society and not affiliate myself with anyone who wasnt "saved". and now i am a young adult. i am not sure why i look forward to anything in life now. i dont know shit about the opposite sex. i can still feel that "spirit man" thing ive been told about kicking in whenever i want to do something "unchristian" even though i know it isnt wrong. but it still feels bad so i dont enjoy those things. i feel i am just moseying along like a chicken. THE POINT: for rhose who are like me and HATE those who go on and on about the negatives in life, what are some things that fellow ex-C's do/did to get past the guilt/confusion/depression? Give it time....How long were you a Christian compared to how long you've been an atheist? You may have years of Christian thought patterns that will take time to diminish in their intensity. I think it was a year or maybe two before my indoctrination wore off. And I had only been a Christian for 10 years. Those who were born and raised Christian may have to deal longer with these issues. Nothing has changed really, except your thinking. God never had a plan for your life. "God's great plan" really just means "What I want to do." Young adults are usually just finding their way in life and don't know what they want to do so don't stress it.
AnonymousCoward Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I know the feeling. I just deconverted/am deconverting and I'm having trouble not setting my alarm tonight for church tomorrow. 1
Blue elephant Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Time and a very firm attitude to slapping down the fearful things that your mind brings up. I deconverted when I was about 25 years old (over thirty years ago). For about six months afterward, the 'going to hell' self talk would come up, but I repeatedly reminded myself that I had decided by logic and investigation (ie reading the bible in a critical light-no internet then) that none of it was true. As time went on and nothing bad happened and I met more normal, functioning non-believers, I settled down. I gather you are quite young. You have the rest of your adult life ahead of you and you can choose to follow any interest in life without having to think about a narrow , religious definition of whether an activity is 'good'. I remember as a christian teenager, feeling that the only careers that I could follow had some quasi evangelism component, like nursing, teaching, or church work. Things like law and medicine never entered my head! Go and dream of an inspiring life for yourself -and then go out and get it buddy! 1
Vigile Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 I'm reasonably convinced we experience the stages of grief when deconverting. While the religion may not be based in reality, the brain can't understand this on a basic level, so the loss of identity and belief causes us to first deny, then get angry and finally reach acceptance, just like the loss of a loved one. Fortunately, unlike the loss of a loved one, you will develop a new sense of identity and old beliefs will be replaced with new beliefs, so ultimately, the transition is more satisfying. 2
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted March 30, 2014 Super Moderator Posted March 30, 2014 I went through the same thing at the age of 30, so rejoice in your youth. What's missing in your life is the sense of accomplishment that comes from taking responsibility for it. You've never had to be responsible for your life because god had a plan for it and if you screwed up, you didn't have to take responsibility because jesus was always there to forgive you. It takes time and effort to adjust to the change, but the reward of owning your own life is well worth it. Man up, now, as they say. Take control of your life; live it to the fullest of your ability. And be willing to accept the consequences along with the triumphs. This is the only life you're going to get, so make the most of it.
maxmaxmaxmax Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Hi Luke, I went through something very similar. I think I know exactly what you mean when you talk about purpose and future. There are a few ways you can look at this: All the help you thought God gave you came from you or other human beings. That means you do have the capacity to plan for your future and work towards it. You have the capacity to make your own decisions based on your own moral and practical judgement, because it was you who were doing this all along. God is just a personification of good. That means you haven’t lost the purpose you had of ‘following God’s plan’ or ‘serving God’ because you still want to do what is good and what is right. Christianity stipulated one purpose - now you are free to pursue many purposes. It is an assumption that our lives have one rigid purpose beyond the propagation of our genes. Instead we have evolved to have complex brains, meaning that we can imagine a million different purposes and choose among them, whether you live for a combination of happiness, art, love, learning or whatever you want. A friend of mine put it well when, after I'd told him I had nothing after losing Christianity, he said 'yes, or maybe now you have everything'. You also mention hope: it was all going to work out for me in the end because i was a christian Things will still work out for you, but for different reasons. You can have a great life because you are a human being capable of greatness. You are surrounded by other humans who want to help you have a great life, including your family, friends, co-workers, teachers, doctors and even politicians (depending on the country). You live in a relatively peaceful, free, wealthy and secure part of the world, on a stable and hospitable planet, in a universe governed by predictable scientific laws (rather than the whims of a maniac). All of these things are cause for hope, in my opinion. i feel i kinda missed being a child and a teenager I do not have the answer for how do it, but I know that you must try to live in the present rather than regretting the past. You may not have had the childhood or adolescence you would wish for now but you had A childhood and AN adolescence. Think about everything you have learned and can learn from it: you have a unique insight into issues of morality, freedom, truth, sense of self. You now know more than most people the importance of seizing the day, thinking for yourself and tolerating others. And you are still young so you still have time to do all the things young people do. Some people did not have the realization you had until they were several decades older. Having said that you are never too old to seize the day and enjoy life for what it is. And having that kind of attitude is far more important than how many of the opposite sex you have been with. It’s actually quite fun discovering that kind of stuff after your teens anyway, because you are more calm, less hormonal and more reflective so I think I’ve actually enjoyed it more. i can still feel that "spirit man" thing This will disappear gradually with time, as you continue to learn and grow and especially as you talk with other sane individuals about their non-distorted moral views. Do this as often as you can because you might be surprised at what they have to say. Good luck - which reminds me, luck is a really important factor and always was, it’s just you now know god wasn’t behind your misfortune or your success, but rather it was the result of the collective action of all the human beings on the planet and all the laws of nature acting upon them. So, good ‘collective action’. 2
Moderator Margee Posted March 30, 2014 Moderator Posted March 30, 2014 Oh my dear Luke....what you are going through is so normal in the deconverting stage, believe it or not. It really can be such a conflicting time. I thought I was going to lose my mind at one point on this board.... I WANTED to believe more than anything in the world in the christian god....It was like my whole world view fell apart....and it does Luke. You lose your whole identity. Pleas just keep posting and posting and reading and reading. It took me 3 years and a few months on this board everyday to get a somewhat clear thinking mind again. There is much to face on this journey. The gang here will help you. We're all with you. We understand the feelings you have right now. It takes time to sort through the mess of brainwashing. It takes time. You will find a purpose. You will learn how do things that you were taught and brainwashed were wrong and you will learn how NOT to be guilty over certain things you were brainwashed to believe were 'wrong'. You will eventually develop the ability to decide for yourself what is right and wrong. It's a process. Just stay close here on Ex-c. You'll get through this! *hug*
decafaholic Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 What you're experiencing is totally normal. Par for the course. And it won't last forever. I'm so glad you posted this because you're in the right place here. We can help you get through this phase in your deconversion. When I was 20 and realized I was agnostic I felt, just like you, a lot of freedom at first. But remember, you and I didn't grow up with freedom. We're not used to it. I was used to being told how to dress, how to talk, who to be friends with, what to read, and SUDDENLY I was in charge of directing my own life! That's overwhelming! If you take a 20 year old kid who has never driven a car in her life and tell her no one is going to drive her around anymore and she has to teach herself how to drive, well it's a metaphor. I remember just making small decisions, like what to order at a restaurant, paralyzed me. I never had to make decisions before because I just did what my pastor told me. It took a lot of getting used to. It was scary. It was embarrassing sometimes when I didn't know things my peers knew. I'd say it took me 3-4 years before I got really, really comfortable being a non believer. You should read some of my earliest posts on here from 2008. I had NO IDEA how to be a young adult. Kissing, dating, flirting, mystified me. But I promise you this: you're going to make it. Human beings are very good at adapting. It's how we've survived this long. You have a support system here on the forums and you will find one in real life. What's going to keep you moving forward is your willingness to ask for help. When I transferred from a protected bubble of a Christian college to a state school, I had to constantly ask my new friends what they were talking about. I didn't know sexual slang. I'd never drank alcohol. But they were willing to stop the conversation and explain things to me. They understood that I hadn't seen most movies they referenced and I grew up sheltered so they served as my tour guides to the secular world. The first professor that taught me about evolution went to lunch with me after class to talk about it one- on-one. I really had some great professors. I have a feeling we could talk about this all day, so email me if you want to talk more. 1
Ellinas Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 Briefly, I did the following: Realized that I was not turning my back on the community of believers - rather, they were the ones who would reject me. Realized that "sin" was meaningless outside of doctrine. Replaced the concept of sin and atonement with the concept of taking responsibility for the consequences of my own actions. Realized I would need time to get used to this. Kept the above in mind whenever doubts arose. Did not force myself to do anything with which I was uncomfortable but reasoned it through until I became comfortable or dropped the idea. 2
★ Citsonga ★ Posted March 30, 2014 Posted March 30, 2014 THE POINT: for rhose who are like me and HATE those who go on and on about the negatives in life, what are some things that fellow ex-C's do/did to get past the guilt/confusion/depression? A lot of good advice has already been given. The one thing I'd add that helped me was joining www.meetup.com and finding freethinker groups nearby. Meeting people I could identify with and realizing I wasn't alone made a big difference for me, and it could do the same for you. I remember just making small decisions, like what to order at a restaurant, paralyzed me. I never had to make decisions before because I just did what my pastor told me. Your pastor told you what to order at restaurants? 1
Kurari Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Moseying along like a chicken isn't a bad thing. While everyone else is caught in the rat race and worrying about whether God likes them or not, you can walk along at your own pace enjoying the sun, the breeze, the flowers, and the time you have the way you want. You are FREE. Your life STILL has purpose. Just because an invisible man sitting on clouds isn't going to hand it to you because you said "Jesus, I take you as my savior" doesn't mean that you can't achieve everything you've ever wanted to do in life. You've got LOADS more power to create the life you want and help the world than gods have ever had. Stop and think about that for a while. It'll give you some perspective. When I was a Christian, I had that "relationship with Jesus" everyone talks about. I felt peace, love, joy, compassion, and comfort with Jesus. But when I deconverted, I felt like all that was gone for a while and it made me very sad and lost. But then I realized that the peace, love, joy, compassion, and comfort are all REAL things. Jesus might not be, but that doesn't mean what I felt wasn't real. Nowadays I still practice peace, love, joy, compassion, and comfort for the sake of peace, love, joy, compassion, and comfort, and it's every single bit as effective as still having Jesus...only without having to give away 10% of my hard-earned cash to corrupt no-nothings who don't understand the Bible anyway. Emotions are like muscles...the more you work them out, the stronger they become.Stop being so hard on yourself. You've only been out of Christianity for a couple of months. Brainwashing takes time to undo. What you're feeling and going through is completely, utterly normal. You don't have to worry about feeling sad, guilty, confused, or depressed. And you don't have to do anything with them except let them come up and pass away. You'll still go through those things, but once you stop worrying that you're doing something wrong, it becomes significantly easier to deal with your feelings and your thinking habits as you work through your past. And finally, you can ALWAYS come here for support when you need us. We've all been where you are. Welcome to our forum family, Luke!
decafaholic Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 THE POINT: for rhose who are like me and HATE those who go on and on about the negatives in life, what are some things that fellow ex-C's do/did to get past the guilt/confusion/depression? A lot of good advice has already been given. The one thing I'd add that helped me was joining www.meetup.com and finding freethinker groups nearby. Meeting people I could identify with and realizing I wasn't alone made a big difference for me, and it could do the same for you. I remember just making small decisions, like what to order at a restaurant, paralyzed me. I never had to make decisions before because I just did what my pastor told me. Your pastor told you what to order at restaurants? Haha, no I think food selection was the only part of my life not controlled my religion. My point (that I didn't make very well) was that I didn't trust my judgement for a long time after deconverting because if I could be wrong about such a big thing (the existence of god), couldn't I also be wrong about everything else? I went into a tail spin second guessing myself over everything. Even chicken vs fish.
Deidre Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 I started my own 'journey' questioning and exploring about four years ago. I'm now content in considering myself an atheist.That said, the beginning was very trying, a lack of purpose is a good way of putting it. I felt like my identity was gone. Who was I without religion defining me? I was a Christian all of my life, since childhood...so it was a hardship to say the least, stepping away from it. Not to mention all the naysayers along the way. I think that if you truly don't believe in Christianity anymore, you need to give it some time. Don't worry. Just take each day at a time. If you wish to return to religion, that is your choice, but I'm here to say, my life has such freedom and joy that it didn't have as a Christian. I had a false sense of hope and comfort in religion, and now I have a true sense of self, and confidence about life. I also don't fret about life after death, etc...heaven and hell and all of that nonsense. Just take each day as it comes, and know that how you are feeling right now, is quite normal.
LukeExChristian Posted March 31, 2014 Author Posted March 31, 2014 i very thankful for this forum, and for everyone's advice. i have found an atheist group in my town, i have loved it for the short time i've attended. i never realized that sin IS meaningless outside of indoctrination. THAT IS SO AWESOME. i feel that i have gotten a little beyond the, for a lack of a better term, "second guessing everything about myself" phase because my conversion was not as jarring as other's i read about. (of which i am highly thankful) with all of the support and with time i'll move on from this. and im not all that familiar with the quote button yet so credit goes out to whom it may concern. thank you so much everyone
GraphicsGuy Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 THE POINT: for rhose who are like me and HATE those who go on and on about the negatives in life, what are some things that fellow ex-C's do/did to get past the guilt/confusion/depression? Counselling, drinking, hanging out with strangers, finding friends, going out with friends, going out alone. It's not always comfortable and it's not always easy.
LukeExChristian Posted April 1, 2014 Author Posted April 1, 2014 i cant thank everyone enough for your advice. i reread it regularly. i know i will be able to move on from this
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