Spouse's Reaction

[vandert]

Last week I had a very serious and detailed discussion with my wife regarding my feelings towards Christianity.  It didn't paint a very nice picture of the religion.  My wife was upset but not because of my low opinion of Christianity.  She was upset because she felt I'd hidden the depth of my struggle from her and didn't trust her enough to discuss it sooner.  The reality was I had not totally stopped rationalizing away my doubts until very recently, but she did not know that.  Once this was revealed and discussed things were smoothed over.

 

This realization of mine is a big deal and has deep impacts on very important relationships.  Yes, I am thrilled to stop rationalizing in a vain attempt to make Christianity work for me.  Yes, I feel better now the slow trickle of expressed doubt was turned to a gushing flood and finally emptied.  I have changed and things will never be the same as they were.  All of this is true and I believe I'm a better man for it, however, my wife has not changed.  Through no fault of her own, she is facing an unexpected and major shift in the dynamics of our relationship.  This is not what she imagined our future would look like.  I suppose, in a way, she is grieving.

 

Since announcing my agnosticism there have been numerous twists and turns of emotions.  All within a little over a week I've experienced intense relief, anger, anxiety and sadness.  I believe in time I will experience mostly positive emotions through becoming non-religious.  My wife, however, is anxious about the future.  Typically we've experienced similar emotions during the challenging events of our relationship.  This is quite different.  We both want to be supportive but it is nearly impossible to be empathetic considering the different ends of our emotional perspectives on my apostasy.

 

I love my wife and she loves me.  We are strong and we will work through this.  I hope sharing this part of the experience will help others in similar situations.

[florduh]

She was upset because she felt I'd hidden the depth of my struggle from her and didn't trust her enough to discuss it sooner.

 

Exactly. Eventually everyone must "come out" and be honest, whether it's today or 5 years from now. What you don't want to hear is, "How long have you been lying to me?"

[amateur]

Wishing you both lots of luck and love and communication.  ^^It does come down to feeling lied to as a spouse.  It sounds like you've begun working on that.

 

Keep talking with her.  Reassure her that your feelings towards her have not changed.  Reassure her that most of your feelings towards everything in the world have not changed (except for things that have if there are family issues, well, that's up to you to make clear to her).  Any big change in a marriage is not a one-conversation thing, so keep up the conversations.  Listen to her opinions without judgment, just interest.

 

It sounds like you're both trying.  That's what counts in a marriage!

[Margee]

Hi vandert. Welcome to Ex-c! 

 

Goodness, I could really relate to your personal struggle. I know that one of the reasons that people hold back the truth sometimes is because they are so scared of the consequences of being completely honest. Sometimes, it's a bit of a 'rock and hardplace' to be in. I eventually had to come clean also in my own relationship

 

3 1/2 years ago, I told my husband my truth. I went extremely slow with him and did not push it at all. He began to question me on his own and why I came to the conclusions I did about the christian bible and god. I was very gentle about it because he still depended on god. One of the things I did have going for me at that time was the fact that we were both very upset with the church we were going to.....so he took a break when I decided to stop going. I think this very hard situation has brought us closer, not further apart, although I know for many, that is the sad thing that happens. Within the last couple of years, my husband has actually suggested watching documents about how the earth was actually formed, how we evolved, etc.

 

  It sounds like you have a lot going for you in your relationship. I feel that you guys are going to make it through this. You guys love and respect each other and that means everything. Keep us posted on how it goes? We totally understand here on EX-c some of the dilemma's that religion can bring to a home and family.

 

Best to you in this new journey.  *hug*

[DrNo]

The fact that you two can talk about this and that you can understand where she is coming from says a lot about your relationship. Right now all of this change is brand new and it seems overwhelming. Go slow as you two figure out your next moves. As you said, she is grieving, and grieving does not happen overnight. Give each other plenty of time to figure out what this will mean for your relationship. Explore together why it was hard for you to let her in to your struggle right away. What role do you play in that? What role does she play? How would you do it differently if you could?

[Deidre]

I find that for many, religion seems to not only eminate from one's ego, but also becomes one's identity. I have lost three friends over my 'decision' to leave Christianity, and leave religion, in general. While at first I was very angry about their abandonment of the friendships, I realized that how they feel, is how I once felt. That religion shapes a person, and gives him/her an identity. It can seem threatening to other Christians, to be losing someone from the 'fold,' so to speak. It can seem like a personal attack, even, to them.

 

When two Christians marry, they literally become 'one.' When one departs from the script, it can be daunting, and now...you are no longer ''spiritually'' one. That could be why your wife OP, is feeling anxious. You were once on the same page spiritually, and now you're not. That can test even the strongest of marriages/relationships.

 

I hope you find a happy medium, and that you don't compromise your values in order to keep a marriage. That's all I'd caution against. Congrats for being strong, and brave, and sharing all that you did, with your wife. Congrats to her too for being understanding.

[Dagny]

Vandert, I just wanted to let you know that you made a good decision to share this. It's understandable that your wife doesn't think it's easy. Keep trying to think from her perspective and communicate yours well like you seem to do.

 

I know this rationalization thing you speak about, it's true that for a while people can suppress facts in favor of something we fear to lose. I've done it a lot. Great that you've found out and stepped into the light with this.

 

Don't let this get between you. You'll get through this!