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DarkHorse

The Raging Storm Inside

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Hi everyone,

I'm a 30 year old woman, who was raised in a Christian home. My dad was a pastor (on occassion, not the main guy), and my step mom and his later girlfriends (my mom left when I was 3) were just going through the motions. You couldn't disagree with him about anything. He was used by God and God spoke to him all the time. Now I can say that with sarcasm, and not feel guilty about it, lol.  I became a born again Christian when I was 16.

Now, 29 years later, my defenses have officially been torn down. It's been building for many years, and if I'm honest with myself, for as long as I can remember. There was always niggling doubts and thoughts that I would push aside. I tried to reconcile a loving God with what I saw in the world and with the image of my own dad, but knew that God was different to our earthly fathers. Even though that thought also didn't sit well with me. I was always the good girl. Never did anything I wasn't meant to, never rebelled (until I was 20 that is). I was afraid of my dad, but also of God who could do worse and send me to hell. So I never questioned out loud, nor told anyone I was doubting.

I am also gay.  I spent the majority of my life trying to change and lying to myself. So many nights of crying myself to sleep, praying and begging god to just take it away from me. But he never did. I never got an answer. There was only silence. Being rejected by friends who I trusted with my secret, and knowing the church would kick me out, I didn't tell anyone again. I left for bible college, thinking that maybe if I became a minister and studied the bible more in depth, I would overcome this burden, and become "normal". It didn't work. I fell in love with one of the girls in my group. She never knew. I wanted to leave, as things were only getting worse the more time I spent with the bible and around all these "on fire" Christians. What was wrong with me? I went through a bad period of self hatred during this college year, but I couldn't quit. A friend committed suicide, and this was when the biggest blow to my christianity came. The words that came out of my teachers and the "prophet" made me sick. He was going to hell because he couldn't handle this life? He wasn't strong enough and gave in to the devil? It didn't sit right with me. But still I said nothing. Still I tried to hold onto my faith. The worst part? A few days earlier he had told me he had feelings for me, and I told him that  it wasn't going to work. I didn't tell him I was gay. I blamed myself for his death for a long time, and I secretly hated God in those moments... For not changing me, despite my best efforts. I would then feel guilty and condemned because of those feelings I was having towards him.

My defenses toward my religion was slowly being chipped away, day by day, until last year. I knew I couldn't live this way anymore, and that there was nothing left to hold onto it. I had found the Truth as a young girl and teenager, but now I had stumbled upon the real truth, and the lie wasn't good enough anymore.

At the moment I'm going through what feels like a mid life crisis (I know I'm too young, lol). Still losing the last remnants of my faith, and dealing with the feelings and thoughts that come with that. For a few months I've been happier than ever, and felt free. The depression I had always had growing up, was finally gone. But the past few days, that darkness has returned. Only now I don't have anyone up there to hold onto. I feel more alone than ever before. I have mixed feelings about all of it. I can't go back to how it was, and I don't want to, but I miss certain things about my faith. It feels as though a part of me has died, and I'm not sure how to move forward. I'm also at a crossroads in my life, where I have major decisions to make which will influence the direction my life is going to take. And I'm not even sure WHERE I want to be going. Where I see myself with each of these decisions. The future looks so far away, dark and cold. I'm looking for the sun, but it seems elusive. I know it's just my state of mind though, and that everything will be okay in the long run. I'm holding onto that. I'll get through this. We all will. :)

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Guest afireinside

Welcome Darkhorse.

 

It's sad to hear what you've been through, hope it all turns around-and fast!

 

We all empathise with what you're going through.

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Welcome to ExC, DarkHorse,

 

I enjoyed reading your extimony. It was so sad to read of the young man who committed suicide. I can see why the way those in your church handled that situation, saying he was in hell, affected you so much. I also hope you no longer feel any guilt for his death. He must have had great burdens in his life.

 

I and so many others on ExC know what you mean about feeling alone now that Christianity is gone and with it, the God of the Bible. That idea can be difficult to come to terms with. Don't push yourself. Time is the great healer. I recall how you wrote that you prayed for God to make your sexual orientation "normal" and, of course he didn't. Let that be a good starting point for coming to terms with your recognition that the Christian God does not exist. Your understanding then was that being gay was not normal, that God condemned it, and that he could or would change it in you. What I hope you learned is that any god who would condemn you for simply being who you were born to be is not worthy of worship, anyway. We are all better off without that "divine monster".

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Hang in there, DH, I fully empathize with the 'darkness.'  It ebbs and flows with me, mostly because when I help take care of my elderly relatives the rest of the clan tries to witness to me. 

Ex-c is a nice safe place to vent it out, share stories, and get each other through the rough process of deconversion.

 

We got this!  woohoo.gif

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Christianity.  It's oppressive - it tries to enforce conformity to a standardised (and, frankly, nonsensical) idea of what we should be.  It's servile, a religion for the oppressed, but who are only oppressed because of its' oppression.  And, by forcing its' adherents to seek to be what they are not, it is destructive, of (especially mental) health and wellbeing.

 

It forces reliance upon its' idea of god, and leaves those who walk away with the mental distress of losing that upon which they relied.

 

You have done a courageous thing in moving on.  Do not fear the darkness, the loneliness, the doubt.  I've been there, albeit for other reasons linked to my own situation, and can assure you that it is only the ground from which your new assurance, certainty and self confidence will grow.  Just be honest with yourself and all else will follow.

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It's tough for many when they deconvert. The brainwashing done by Xtians is so thorough it takes time to work through. Every cult has appealing aspects to it. That's why people join in. When one finds out that the appealing aspects are lies, it's not that easy to turn off the messages in  one's head that have been planted there. But it can be done and is being done by thousands of people.

 

A cult, like Xtianity, is cruel making its members think that all their problems are the member's fault. You have witnessed first hand the severe cruelty that is imposed on the survivors of a victim of suicide. What an incredibly malicious thing to do to the suicides' relatives and friends. What unspeakable arrogance. What a cruel god they believe in.

 

Just as bad if not worse is the nonacceptance of gays. They just absolutely know they are right, don't they? They don't need evidence. It's the feeling they get inside. They refuse to admit that other religions have those same feelings. These others must be lying.  Everyone is lying but the Xtians. What bullshit.

 

I have two suggestions:: First, read all about bible criticism, Xtian history, how the bible was put together, how to rebut the apologists, etc. This is to replace the brainwashing you endured with factual information.

 

Two, when you have recurring thoughts that scare you, leftovers from when you were a Xtian, immediately bring to mind the rational response to that fear. Every one of your fears has an answer that is a logical rebuttal of fear. Learn what they are and use them regularly.

 

I hope this helps. But in any event, give yourself time, however much is necessary.  Good luck. I'm glad you are here.

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So glad you are here, and your story really moved me. It is so fucking unbelievably sad, the fear that religion instills in people. It really is. I had fears as well, albeit different than yours. I hope you find freedom by breaking free from Christianity, and maybe religion, as a whole. Whatever your path, we are here for you. :)

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Welcome DarkHorse.

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Thanks to all of you for your words, support and understanding. I'm glad I joined, and I can see how this community will help me shed the final weight of Christianity. Today I woke up and realized just how far I've actually come, and I feel a little lighter inside. I feel terrible anger towards religion and it's oppression, but I know that's also part of the process, so it's a necessary step. I'm unfortunately still surrounded by loved ones who believe the lie, and I have yet to figure out how to go about it with them, but for now, my secret will remain here and on the other board I'm a part of, until I'm ready. It's great to be a part of a community like this. :)

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Baby Girl, I'm not typically the hugging type, but after reading your story I just feel like giving you a big hug and telling you everything will be all right.

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Welcome DarkHorse!

 

I have but one question...if you were born again at 16, and it's now unraveling 29 years later, wouldn't that make you 45? Or did you mean that something happened when you were one year old, and now 29 years later, the 30 year old you is...what was my point again?

 

Just being my sometimes dumb self.  Sometimes I even speak out about gay stuff, and get way misunderstood here.

 

Did you ever hear the George Harrison song "Dark Horse" about him being a dark horse racing on a dark race course?  I don't know what the rest of the lyrics are, but just to hear that one line might make it worth a listen on Youtube or somewhere.

 

Sorry to hear about your friend, and what you told him. Don't feel any guilt about not telling him why it wouldn't work out. I've had girls tell me it wouldn't work out, and I just figured that if they said so, they must know why.

 

I do go on, don't I, but you are so easy to talk to!  I hope you stick around too.

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Baby Girl, I'm not typically the hugging type, but after reading your story I just feel like giving you a big hug and telling you everything will be all right.

 

Thanks! smile.png

 

And duderonomy (awesome, awesome handle!), I simply meant that having grown up in a Christian home and raised to believe in all the mumbo jumbo, it was coming to a conclusion. So it took about 29 years for me to actually be released from the steadfast believe in that nonsense. Sound better than me being 45? tongue.png

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DarkHorse this sounds tough! I am sorry to read how christianity has affected you. I am glad that you're out. I recognise the feelings you describe, having just left christianity myself (I am 27). My experience is that this evolves all the time, with ups and downs but in a positive direction. Christianity has been part of your whole whole being/identity/culture and it's scary and hard to let go of it even after making a rational decision, and it takes time to find new positive things that can replace what you've lost. But it's certainly possible. It'll all get better over time!

 

I am glad that you don't have to deny your sexuality anymore. A friend of mine is gay and still christian, but he tended to ignore his sexuality, and the first conversation after my deconversion I had with him to tell him that I didn't have any objection to him being gay - that I hated it that I doubted that - I wasn't against it but I felt so bad about what he was going through that I felt obliged to tell him that. He is seriously considering dating a fellow guy now!

 

I hope your life will keep getting better!

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Thanks Dagny! There are indeed lots of ups and downs, but that's also just a part of life. At least I've discovered the real truth, and had the lie exposed. So anything is better than still living in that deceit.

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Thanks Dagny! There are indeed lots of ups and downs, but that's also just a part of life. At least I've discovered the real truth, and had the lie exposed. So anything is better than still living in that deceit.

"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." 

 

This promise only came true for me after I left christianity behind.  Before that, I never knew what freedom really was, nor did I know the "peace which passes all understanding".  I'm so happy for you DarkHorse, even though you still have a difficult journey ahead.  You'll be fine and we are all here for you.

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Hi DarkHorse.  What a sad story you have to tell!  I never felt free to be myself either, but you had a much greater burden to bear than I did.

 

My mom's side of the family is LDS and I have two cousins on that side who are gay.  One is married with kids and was a elder in the LDS church.  He was excommunicated with the help of testimonies from my grandfather and uncle when they found out.  It's tragic how belief in supernatural nonsense is more important than familial bonds for some people.  It makes me furious to think about it!

 

It will get better for you.  I promise!  Please find a place where you can plug in and surround yourself with people who will care about you for the person you are.  Humans are social animals and they need some sort of support system in place to thrive.  That's the key thing that religion has always done, inculcate a group of people with like-minded ideas and provide a network of support.  Here's hoping for the best for you!

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"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." 

 

 

This promise only came true for me after I left christianity behind.  Before that, I never knew what freedom really was, nor did I know the "peace which passes all understanding".  I'm so happy for you DarkHorse, even though you still have a difficult journey ahead.  You'll be fine and we are all here for you.

 

 

Hi DarkHorse.  What a sad story you have to tell!  I never felt free to be myself either, but you had a much greater burden to bear than I did.

 

My mom's side of the family is LDS and I have two cousins on that side who are gay.  One is married with kids and was a elder in the LDS church.  He was excommunicated with the help of testimonies from my grandfather and uncle when they found out.  It's tragic how belief in supernatural nonsense is more important than familial bonds for some people.  It makes me furious to think about it!

 

It will get better for you.  I promise!  Please find a place where you can plug in and surround yourself with people who will care about you for the person you are.  Humans are social animals and they need some sort of support system in place to thrive.  That's the key thing that religion has always done, inculcate a group of people with like-minded ideas and provide a network of support.  Here's hoping for the best for you!

 

The one thing the bible was right on. The truth sets us free indeed.

 

It makes me sad when people reject their own because of a god they believe in that says it's for the best. The god of the bible and Christianity is worse than humanity.

 

Thanks for the kind words. :)

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I love the name, DarkHorse. You certainly have triumphed against long odds, yourself. The thing is, too, that Christianity's no longer a safe bet: you're not alone.

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"It makes me sad when people reject their own because of a god they believe in that says it's for the best. The god of the bible and Christianity is worse than humanity." DarkHorse


 


It would be an interesting study to conduct a survey of a fairly sampling of Xtian parents who have cut off contact or otherwise ostracized an adult or teen aged child because the child deconvered. I'd like to know what the real life results have been following such a crazy parental act.   bill

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