Kind Of A Rant?

[BundyJem]

My first post. I've been wanting to say something for a few weeks now but feel like by actually posting I'm crossing the line that can not be uncrossed. I haven't even typed anything yet and I feel like I'm breaking every possible commandment that ever exists that might pertain to me doing this.

I don't know where I'm up to in terms of de-conversion, I don't even know if I'm actually de-converting at all but after reading A LOT of testimonies and other posts I think i actually could be somewhere on the road...

I think I've realised I'm in the process when I had a text conversation with someone that went like this

 

Me : 'Hi, Hope you have having a good week ____ (name removed)'

Him: ' So far so good. How are you doing J'

Me: 'I'm up and down, that's life'

Him: 'Why do you think you are so special that God cannot forgive you? I am just as bad a sinner as you are, if not worse! I also struggle with staying on track after being forgiven'

 

Now my story is a long one and I'm figuring that it may be best kept for the testimony section. And maybe I should put that up first to create a clearer picture. But this friend knows somewhat of my struggles and has been trying to be supportive and non-judgmental. And until this conversation I would have commended him on this. Compared to others in the church who know a bit of my issues his support has been good.

 

Because I'm not 'out' to anyone in any firm way this was my response - after a number of hours of thinking how random his part in the conversation was and how it just didn't seem to fit... And how he obviously thinks I have some ego that I think I'm that special.....

 

Me: 'I don't think I'm that special that he can't ... I just don't know why he would want to. Though I know it is his love that makes it so'

(URGH, I can't believe I actually wrote those last words.) - I went on to say that I'd like to have a sit down discussion with him and a few friends but that 'I feel like that is asking too much of people and I should be able to work this out on my own and I get that I'm going in circles and I get that that frustrates people' (Again long story)

His response: 'I don't know why he loves me either, but it is the most wonderful feeling in the world to be loved. I went to bible study last night... It is really encouraging to find out that there are other people who think the same way that you do. I know that we each have our burden to bear, but also we are to help carry each others burdens.'

he then threw in a few random comments - about happy smiling moons, visiting his daughter and asking in I wanted some fresh fish he had caught....

My response : 'So.... You can feel God's love?'

Him : ' Sometimes you can feel his love, I think this feeling is called joy. Sometimes God feels very far away. Feelings go up and down. God's love never changes.'

Me: 'My head is like scrambled eggs when it comes to god atm.'

Him:'Good to surround yourself with sensible stable people at the moment. Did you want to visit?'

 

I did go and visit him, this conversation never actually came up. Mostly talked about him and some of his personal issues and at the end of it all he said 'how come your so sensible J?' 

Ummmm....  lol

 

I feel like I want to give more to the story but for a first post and seeing as I feel as though I'm falling head first into the realm of no return maybe this will suffice. If anything seems unclear please ask.

 

Here goes nothing.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

[TrueFreedom]

I had a similar conversation while I was still very much convinced of a fairly fundamentalist Christian dogma.  Why would God condemn me when so many others were even less worthy?  Well, you won't find a consistent message in scripture or across denominational boundaries, because Christianity is not and has never been a single religion or relationship by any definition.

 

Welcome, Bundyjem!  Enjoy the ride!

[Pantophobia]

Whether you're deconverting or not, here at Ex-C, it also "is really encouraging to find out that there are other people who think the same way that you do. I know that we each have our burden to bear, but also we are to help carry each others burdens." We've all questioned, and ended up with different answers. Don't be afraid... you can have whatever conversations you need to have here.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Whether you're deconverting or not, here at Ex-C, it also "is really encouraging to find out that there are other people who think the same way that you do. I know that we each have our burden to bear, but also we are to help carry each others burdens." We've all questioned, and ended up with different answers. Don't be afraid... you can have whatever conversations you need to have here.

QFT

 

I agree with Pantophobia here.  It doesn't matter if you are deconverting or just having a crisis of faith.  The people on this website are here to help you in any way we can.  I'm sure you have a lot of questions; feel free to ask them.  You obviously have a lot of concern, possibly even fear, about where you are in your spiritual journey right now.  Most of us have felt that same fear and insecurity.  It's okay; we've been through it and we will help.  Our primary objective is the help you find whatever works for you.  Whether you deconvert, or struggle for a while and then return to the faith with renewed vigor, we will support you however we can.  I hope this helps.

[Deva]

Unlike Christians, we do not imagine how you feel. We let you TELL us how you feel, without making our own projections.

 

So, just go ahead and express yourself honestly.  Honesty is much respected on this site, since as ex-christians, we have seen so little of it from Christians.

 

I would encourage you to post your testimony. Whether you are fully deconverted or not. That section of the forum is protected. We won't let Christians undermine what you have to say. 

[Llwellyn]

Thanks for posting!  That took a lot of courage to interact with us, and we are grateful that you did.  You have just enriched us with your (online) presence.  I never wonder how another person can love me and forgive me.  I am naturally lovable.  If there is a supernatural person, he would likely love me too, without miracles, blood sacrifices, or promises.  I may have done some wicked things, but that does not make me a sinner.  Someone who looks at me and sees "sinner" rather than "human" is seriously demented in their thinking.  This goes for all of us, and not just me.

 

Finally, no one can curse you or bless you but you.  No one can send you to heaven or send you to hell without your participation.  Your happiness, welfare, and wellbeing begins with you and ends with you.  Haters gonna hate, and lovers gonna love -- but it is all irrelevant to your own experience of life.  As John Milton said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."  What reality will you create for yourself?

 

[duderonomy]

Hi BundyJem!

 

Welcome!

 

Are you saying you think you are crossing some line just by posting here? I was a very fundy fundy for a long time, and even then I would have told you that posting stuff like you did here and asking questions is not breaking any commandment nor will you be sent to hell for it.

 

You don't know if you are deconverting? I don't know if you are either, but any faith or religion that's so touchy that it makes you feel guilty or condemned just for saying how you feel isn't a faith or a religion...it's a cult by definition.   Just sayin'.  

[BundyJem]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement.

 

I will be writing my testimony in the next few days.

 

I know that the 'support' people that I have had trying to 'help' me in the last 2 and a bit years would be horrified to know I was posting here.... let alone reading or coming to the site. And I know one of them would walk away completely. And out of anything I'm afraid of its fear of losing.... I'm not hugely fearful of the whole hell thing. And even when I began questioning at 14 I wasn't afraid of that. In fact I even have a piece of writing saying that I wasn't afraid to go to hell. I have, I must say, developed a bit of a fear of going to hell after reading some peoples struggles with it here. But when it comes to losing a friend it totally freaks me out.... And so I feel like I'm living in 2 worlds.

I'm going to my church passover tonight (christian version) I go to keep up appearances and at the moment that is fine. I find a lot of funny things when I do go to the churches functions and I love people watching so use it for that purpose.

 

I'm glad I found here to maybe help find new 'support' people. Or as you all have said, to find people who don't mind my questions and questionings. Where I'm free to be a bit more of me.

 

Thanks again.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

I await your testimony with interest.

 

Just be honest with yourself and take your time.  The rest will follow - wherever it is that you find yourself heading.