My Wife Cannot Accept My Unbelief

[Neverlandrut]

I've recently come out to my wife as no longer believing in god, Christianity, or the bible. My deconversion story is long, but to sum it up, I have searched high and low for assurance that my beliefs were true and found that there is no evidence to support any of it. She is trying her hardest to somewhat understand, but she sees this as just a phase. She thinks that I will eventually change my mind. She has made it clear to me that if I don't change my mind, she can't see how we can work out. That scares me, mostly for our kids sake. I don't want them growing up confused. For now, we just avoid talking about it, but it's going to come to a head. Any advice?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Man, Neverlandrut, I really wish I could offer something other than my empathy.  My wife only nominally believes in some sort of higher existence and my lack of belief has never been an issue.  I'm terribly sorry you are going through this and I'm certain that you'll get some good advice from some of our unequally yoked members here.  Apart from that, I can only say: hang in there and hang out here.

[DoubtingNate]

That sucks. I can't think of anything that doesn't sound like a lame marriage cliche. An ultimatum like that sounds like bad news though. I hope you can both find some level of peace, with or without each other.

 

I'm in a similar place as Redneck here.. My wife vaguely believes, but she is not devout. She doesn't 'get' my unbelief but she isn't going anywhere either. I would like to think she will come around one day but that is asking too much. This stuff is personal, you can't just flip the belief switch in your brain.

[TrueFreedom]

My wife kind of implied the same thing the first few times I hinted at where my head was.  I tried to sneak in a lot of information before telling her outright.  She eventually deconverted.  Hopefully you guys can figure out a compromise that works for both of you.

[Neverlandrut]

Thanks for the replies you guys. It's truly a dilemma. I'm trying to be as sensitive and understanding toward her as I can while asking her to do the same. Time will tell. I want to maintain peace and unity in my family, but I cannot pretend and be fake. Right now those two options seem mutually exclusive. I'm just taking it one day at a time right now.

[florduh]

Welcome.

 

All I can say is ignoring the problem and letting it fester won't help. Couples disagree on many things; sometimes it's politics, careers, where to live, or religion. Compromise and tolerance are required of BOTH parties. It seems she has forgotten that. There is no reason two differing opinions can't peacefully coexist unless one party insists on the other conforming to her wishes. That's the point where the partnership ended.

 

I don't have children, but I've observed that those who stay together solely for what they see as it being the best thing for the kids were dead wrong. If the parents don't respect each other and value independent thought and honesty, the kids suffer for it.

 

I wish you well in this difficult time.

[mymistake]

I've recently come out to my wife as no longer believing in god, Christianity, or the bible. My deconversion story is long, but to sum it up, I have searched high and low for assurance that my beliefs were true and found that there is no evidence to support any of it. She is trying her hardest to somewhat understand, but she sees this as just a phase. She thinks that I will eventually change my mind. She has made it clear to me that if I don't change my mind, she can't see how we can work out. That scares me, mostly for our kids sake. I don't want them growing up confused. For now, we just avoid talking about it, but it's going to come to a head. Any advice?

 

That sounds a lot like the position I was in.  When I first told my wife she didn't talk to me about her feelings on this.  However within a few days she conveyed the same idea.

 

My approach was to be a good husband and show her that we still work as a couple.  I don't know if that will work for you.  It mostly depends on your wife.

[hereticzero]

Relationships based only on two people's belief-system and organized religion have a lot of difficulty staying together once one of them no longer believes. It reveals that the relationship only exists because of that reason. There has to be more of a commitment between two people than just feelings about Woo Almighty. That's not a relationship between two people, it's a club membership in which a marriage is given as a prize. I would give her all the time she needs to come to grips with your deconversion. Do what you feel is best and let her do the rest. When I left the church I told my wife I no longer could continue in it. It took her a while, several months to think things over, and she then left the church as well. I just presented to her my conclusions, how I got to those conclusions, and left it up to her. I didn't make her choose between me or the church, I just gave her my reasons for leaving the church and reassured her that I was not leaving her, that wasn't an option for me anyway, never has been. My wife stayed with me because there is more to our relationship than what we believe about the universe and our place in it. We enjoy each other's company and we do not have an 'either/or' relationship which means we don't give each other ultimatums.

[Storm]

One bit of advice I can give is let her process this for a bit. You have placed her in a position that she likely wasn't ready for and she is reeling from it. It is possible her reactions were knee-jerk. Its tough to be rational when someone just dropped a bomb on you and shattered your dreams. You have had time to think about this and develop your thoughts and ideas, but she has not. If she loves you and you her, you should be able to get past this. It will take work though.

Let her think and figure out how she wants to handle it. Let her ask questions. I suggest not pushing it, but let her approach you. I strongly suggest looking into couples therapy where you both can talk in a safe environment and share what you feel without attacking or being attacked by each other.

Best of Luck.

[Ellinas]

I think Storm's approach is correct.  She needs time, you both need patience.  All you can ask is that she respect your position as you respect hers.  Beyond that, don't push and let her get her head round this.

 

All the best.

[Neverlandrut]

Thanks again everyone. I've read many of your posts before. All that I've read have been helpful and encouraging. I agree that the best approach is to be a loving, understanding, supportive husband, and not push the issue. How she ultimately handles it, I can only leave up to her.

[bfuddled]

I'm new here, still working up the courage to make my own post, but yours resonates with me today. I'm in much the same situation. I started really questioning things about 6 months ago and my husband is not accepting things right now. I have, for the most part, kept my thoughts/etc to myself and made sure not to push any conversations on him, but he's well aware of where I'm at (or getting to). He flips between being semi-okay with it and then falling back on our conservative/evangelical upbringing and making comments similar to what your wife made, that he can't see how things will work out if I don't believe anymore. 

 

So I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I can certainly empathize with you and wish you the best of luck in working things out. I have kids as well, which makes the situation even more complicated. It's one thing to let an adult choose what they wish to believe, but it's another thing entirely to allow your children to be raised a certain way without at least voicing your concerns/problems with the system. For now I'm keeping quiet about things with everyone since the majority of my family/friends are in the Christian community, and I'm still keeping up the front of faith.

 

HereticZero: Thanks for your thoughts, I have never really looked at things that way before. There has been an unsettling feeling that something's not right about a relationship that can crumble if/when one member changes their belief system, but I'm still so entrenched in the Christian way of thinking and relating to the world that I can't usually make sense of what is rational thought and what is years of "training".

[Neverlandrut]

I'm new here, still working up the courage to make my own post, but yours resonates with me today. I'm in much the same situation. I started really questioning things about 6 months ago and my husband is not accepting things right now. I have, for the most part, kept my thoughts/etc to myself and made sure not to push any conversations on him, but he's well aware of where I'm at (or getting to). He flips between being semi-okay with it and then falling back on our conservative/evangelical upbringing and making comments similar to what your wife made, that he can't see how things will work out if I don't believe anymore. 

 

So I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I can certainly empathize with you and wish you the best of luck in working things out. I have kids as well, which makes the situation even more complicated. It's one thing to let an adult choose what they wish to believe, but it's another thing entirely to allow your children to be raised a certain way without at least voicing your concerns/problems with the system. For now I'm keeping quiet about things with everyone since the majority of my family/friends are in the Christian community, and I'm still keeping up the front of faith.

 

HereticZero: Thanks for your thoughts, I have never really looked at things that way before. There has been an unsettling feeling that something's not right about a relationship that can crumble if/when one member changes their belief system, but I'm still so entrenched in the Christian way of thinking and relating to the world that I can't usually make sense of what is rational thought and what is years of "training".

It's encouraging to know that someone else is in the same boat.  You're the first one I've read a reply from who is in the exact same position.  My entire family is full of devout Christians.  I don't want to rock their boats either.  My wife and my sister are the only ones I've told.  My sister disagrees but took it well.  Anyway, thanks for sharing!  I hope your situation turns out well. 

[FreeThinkerNZ]

When a xian spouse ponders out loud that they can't see things working out if their spouse has stopped believing, they may not intend this but they are using scare tactics.  It's  as if they are saying don't even think about stopping believing or I'll leave you.  The thing is, you may have already stopped believing and you can't go back.  Most of us tried very hard to stay xian, because it would have been easier in many ways, especially if married and raising kids with a xian spouse.  We have already paid a high price to get to this point in the deconversion journey, and by jumping straight to the nuclear option they aren't even giving things a chance to see if it can work.

 

I hope your spouse steps back from the brink and gives your marriage a chance.  True, she didn't sign up for this but if she can lose the fear and learn to be tolerant of difference then she will be a lot better off in the long run.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I just found this non-believing author:

http://dalemcgowan.com/

 

I was looking for one of his other books and I see he has a new one out this year:

In Faith and in Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families

 

Might be worth a look.

[Deidre]

This is all new to your wife. Give it time. If you stay true to yourself and she can't handle it, you can't control her leaving the marriage.

Now the cat is out of the bag, if you "pretend" to "snap out of this phase" to please her, she will always wonder if what you feel is true.

 

This doesn't need to break you two apart, but if it does, you'll cross that bridge when you get there.

 

I hope she learns to accept this.

[DrNo]

Ultimatums are not a good sign in a relationship. I wonder, is this the first time she has given you an ultimatum?

 

In any case, she definitely needs time to process this. Right now the biggest quality she was looking for in a spouse was just taken away. Give her plenty of time to come to terms with this, but make it clear that you want to work things out. See if she would be willing to see a neutral therapist (www.seculartherapy.org). Let her know that she has the right to make whatever choice she wants, but that a) leaving suddenly when there is no history of fighting between you could be really bad for the kids (research shows that kids who were not aware of their parents' fighting have the hardest time adjusting to divorce) and even scripture does not condone her leaving just because you are an unbeliever. If her god is real, he will want her to work it out.

 

Good luck!

[bfuddled]

It's encouraging to know that someone else is in the same boat.  You're the first one I've read a reply from who is in the exact same position.  My entire family is full of devout Christians.  I don't want to rock their boats either.  My wife and my sister are the only ones I've told.  My sister disagrees but took it well.  Anyway, thanks for sharing!  I hope your situation turns out well. 

 

 

Yep, I was born and raised evangelical/fundamentalist/conservative, met and married my husband in the same church I grew up in. My entire life has revolved around the church and my christianity and I'm having a hell of a time grounding myself without that anchor.

 

I'm torn because on one hand I can totally appreciate and understand his side of it. I mean when we got married we were both of the same mind and were in agreement on how we would live/raise our children. My husband was born/raised Christian as well, so, like me, he doesn't really have anything to fall back on. I can't expect him to jump into this "journey" just because *I* decided to, but I also can't pretend and ride both sides of the fence for very long.

 

I'm trying to be understanding and patient with the process, but it hurts because this is the person I've been married to for 10+ years and have shared my life/heart with. To walk thru this without him to at least talk to makes the whole process even more lonely. I've more than once thought that I should just turn around and "go back" to denying my feelings/thoughts, but it's like a Pandora's box.. once you go there you can't unthink these things.

 

Sorry to hijack your post.. I'll go make my own before I go on too long.

[midniterider]

I've recently come out to my wife as no longer believing in god, Christianity, or the bible. My deconversion story is long, but to sum it up, I have searched high and low for assurance that my beliefs were true and found that there is no evidence to support any of it. She is trying her hardest to somewhat understand, but she sees this as just a phase. She thinks that I will eventually change my mind. She has made it clear to me that if I don't change my mind, she can't see how we can work out. That scares me, mostly for our kids sake. I don't want them growing up confused. For now, we just avoid talking about it, but it's going to come to a head. Any advice?

 

There is a big difference between saying it aint gonna work and packing your bags and leaving.

 

I don't see how it could work out being told what to believe. Or pretend to believe.

 

My ex used to use the big D word to shutdown arguments. I took her up on it one day. :-) Divorce is not the end of the world. Just an end to up close and personal bickering. :-)

 

How involved is your family in church?

[Neverlandrut]

 

No need to appologize! It's refreshing to hear your story. It's sounds like mine, exactly. We met while on staff at a church camp. We were both fundamentalist/evangelical/conservative Christians. We both believed we should found our marriage on Jesus. So, I too sympathize with my wife still. I know exactly what it's like to hear something that threatens your beliefs. I've often wished I had just kept my mouth shut and just played along, but I knew I couldn't do that. I've looked for ways I could still hold onto some semblance I faith, maybe viewing god as some internal/personal strength and somehow reconciling Christian doctrine with that. The best that would lead to is a very fractured version of mystical Christianity. It would still have fundamental oposition to foundational Christian tenants. I think the best thing I can do for now is what people have suggested so far, be sensitive and understanding to my wife's fears, and not bring it up until she's ready to talk about it.

 

It's encouraging to know that someone else is in the same boat. You're the first one I've read a reply from who is in the exact same position. My entire family is full of devout Christians. I don't want to rock their boats either. My wife and my sister are the only ones I've told. My sister disagrees but took it well. Anyway, thanks for sharing! I hope your situation turns out well.

 

Yep, I was born and raised evangelical/fundamentalist/conservative, met and married my husband in the same church I grew up in. My entire life has revolved around the church and my christianity and I'm having a hell of a time grounding myself without that anchor.

 

I'm torn because on one hand I can totally appreciate and understand his side of it. I mean when we got married we were both of the same mind and were in agreement on how we would live/raise our children. My husband was born/raised Christian as well, so, like me, he doesn't really have anything to fall back on. I can't expect him to jump into this "journey" just because *I* decided to, but I also can't pretend and ride both sides of the fence for very long.

 

I'm trying to be understanding and patient with the process, but it hurts because this is the person I've been married to for 10+ years and have shared my life/heart with. To walk thru this without him to at least talk to makes the whole process even more lonely. I've more than once thought that I should just turn around and "go back" to denying my feelings/thoughts, but it's like a Pandora's box.. once you go there you can't unthink these things.

 

Sorry to hijack your post.. I'll go make my own before I go on too long.

[Neverlandrut]

 

It's encouraging to know that someone else is in the same boat.  You're the first one I've read a reply from who is in the exact same position.  My entire family is full of devout Christians.  I don't want to rock their boats either.  My wife and my sister are the only ones I've told.  My sister disagrees but took it well.  Anyway, thanks for sharing!  I hope your situation turns out well. 

 

 

Yep, I was born and raised evangelical/fundamentalist/conservative, met and married my husband in the same church I grew up in. My entire life has revolved around the church and my christianity and I'm having a hell of a time grounding myself without that anchor.

 

I'm torn because on one hand I can totally appreciate and understand his side of it. I mean when we got married we were both of the same mind and were in agreement on how we would live/raise our children. My husband was born/raised Christian as well, so, like me, he doesn't really have anything to fall back on. I can't expect him to jump into this "journey" just because *I* decided to, but I also can't pretend and ride both sides of the fence for very long.

 

I'm trying to be understanding and patient with the process, but it hurts because this is the person I've been married to for 10+ years and have shared my life/heart with. To walk thru this without him to at least talk to makes the whole process even more lonely. I've more than once thought that I should just turn around and "go back" to denying my feelings/thoughts, but it's like a Pandora's box.. once you go there you can't unthink these things.

 

Sorry to hijack your post.. I'll go make my own before I go on too long.

 

No need to appologize! It's refreshing to hear your story. It's sounds like mine, exactly. We met while on staff at a church camp. We were both fundamentalist/evangelical/conservative Christians. We both believed we should found our marriage on Jesus. So, I too sympathize with my wife still. I know exactly what it's like to hear something that threatens your beliefs. I've often wished I had just kept my mouth shut and just played along, but I knew I couldn't do that. I've looked for ways I could still hold onto some semblance I faith, maybe viewing god as some internal/personal strength and somehow reconciling Christian doctrine with that. The best that would lead to is a very fractured version of mystical Christianity. It would still have fundamental oposition to foundational Christian tenants. I think the best thing I can do for now is what people have suggested so far, be sensitive and understanding to my wife's fears, and not bring it up until she's ready to talk about it. 

 

It's encouraging to know that someone else is in the same boat. You're the first one I've read a reply from who is in the exact same position. My entire family is full of devout Christians. I don't want to rock their boats either. My wife and my sister are the only ones I've told. My sister disagrees but took it well. Anyway, thanks for sharing! I hope your situation turns out well. 

[bfuddled]

It's laughable (and a bit sad) how similarly people react to these situations. Like you, I've been struggling to work out some kind of go between that will let me hang onto some of the tenets of the faith, but I'm not convinced I can make it work yet. I read Peter Rollin's book, "Idolatry of God" and that's the closest thing that's made sense in terms of keeping some of the core beliefs but in a radically different light. I've been exploring the emergent church and that's the only place I can see myself maybe being able to stay connected, but even those arguements seem far fetched at times. I'm still trying to decipher if my problem is the fact that I've lived my life with this relative degree of certainty (who's in charge, what happens when we die), and now that I've rejected that I'm looking to replace it with some other certainty? So maybe that's why nothing rings true to me anymore, because it doesn't carry the "weight" of having a concrete answer for everything and everyone.. which is what I'm so used to and have been taught how things SHOULD be. Unless I replace christianity with some other religion that's equally as "certain", which makes no sense, I'm stuck learning how to live with this unsettling ambiguity. I guess that's normal?

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I'm still trying to decipher if my problem is the fact that I've lived my life with this relative degree of certainty (who's in charge, what happens when we die), and now that I've rejected that I'm looking to replace it with some other certainty? So maybe that's why nothing rings true to me anymore, because it doesn't carry the "weight" of having a concrete answer for everything and everyone.. which is what I'm so used to and have been taught how things SHOULD be. Unless I replace christianity with some other religion that's equally as "certain", which makes no sense, I'm stuck learning how to live with this unsettling ambiguity. I guess that's normal?

Yes it is normal to feel unsettling ambiguity while you're on the way through deconversion.  Xianity is all about black and white answers.  Well, real life is more in shades of grey.  Reason, logic, and science can provide the frameworks and structures you can hang your new beliefs on.  Keep posting here, start some threads about what you're processing, and you will get answers that help you reduce the ambiguity.