Is Offering To Go To Church With My Wife A Bad Idea?

[LongWayAround]

So far, I haven't told anyone about my deconversion and am continuing to live life as if everything is status quo while I come to grips with things.  I have been thinking about how to ease my christian wife into knowing about my deconversion.  I plan to slowly bring up my thoughts about doubts as situations arise then finally come out to her completely at some point.  I can see things accelerating out of control and having the full conversation before I am ready so I want to have thought things through.

 

One of the things that I know she will not like is the prospect of going to church by herself.  I have considered suggesting to her (after my deconversion is out in the open) that we start going to a different church so that I can go with her but not participate (that would be very awkward at our current church).  My wife has been suggesting for a while that we switch to a large, non-denominational church that is in our area so I know she is open to the idea of switching.

 

My preference would be to not go to church at all but I also want to stay married.

 

Is offering to go to church with my wife after coming out about my deconversion a bad idea? 

 

 

[TrueFreedom]

I would go at least until your wife is ok with going without you.  Some of us continue for a time.  Some continue indefinitely. I chose to continue for an initially unknown period of time.  I used the opportunity to share my perspective on what was being taught with my wife.  She came to agree with me within a year, and our family stopped attending together.

[florduh]

There were several husbands at my former church who doggedly went with their wives every week just to keep an uneasy and false peace with them. I felt sorry for them even as a Christian.

 

Why would she not want to go to church alone? Is that the real motivation? I imagine she wouldn't mind going alone to a Mary Kay demonstration, bridal shower, sewing circle, antique auction or other activity that interests her but not you. Would you expect her to go with you on a fishing trip, skeet shooting or an atheist/agnostic meetup? Obviously these are random examples that may not specifically apply, but I hope you see my point that it's just an excuse to keep you exposed to her religion.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Whatever works for you and your wife is a good idea.  You have to be true to yourself, while keeping her feelings and happiness in mind.  

[LongWayAround]

.... it's just an excuse to keep you exposed to her religion.

 

The way I see it, my wife has had a vision for a very long time of how our marriage is supposed to look.  Part of that vision is doing things together including going to church.  That dream or vision is not going to die easily and while I am trying to avoid getting divorced while coming out about no longer being a christian, attending church with her seems like a reasonable compromise.

 

I understand that it should not be fair or right for her to want me to go to church with her when I wouldn't be upset if she didn't attend a lecture on evolution with me.  The difference is that we were both christians when we married and I think it was reasonable for her to assume it would continue that way.

[midniterider]

So far, I haven't told anyone about my deconversion and am continuing to live life as if everything is status quo while I come to grips with things.  I have been thinking about how to ease my christian wife into knowing about my deconversion.  I plan to slowly bring up my thoughts about doubts as situations arise then finally come out to her completely at some point.  I can see things accelerating out of control and having the full conversation before I am ready so I want to have thought things through.

 

One of the things that I know she will not like is the prospect of going to church by herself.  I have considered suggesting to her (after my deconversion is out in the open) that we start going to a different church so that I can go with her but not participate (that would be very awkward at our current church).  My wife has been suggesting for a while that we switch to a large, non-denominational church that is in our area so I know she is open to the idea of switching.

 

My preference would be to not go to church at all but I also want to stay married.

 

Is offering to go to church with my wife after coming out about my deconversion a bad idea? 

 

What hobby of yours will she be doing solely to please you? If there isn't one then maybe going to church for her is a bad idea.

 

Would she really insist you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable and resentful?

[midniterider]

There were several husbands at my former church who doggedly went with their wives every week just to keep an uneasy and false peace with them. I felt sorry for them even as a Christian.

 

Why would she not want to go to church alone? Is that the real motivation? I imagine she wouldn't mind going alone to a Mary Kay demonstration, bridal shower, sewing circle, antique auction or other activity that interests her but not you. Would you expect her to go with you on a fishing trip, skeet shooting or an atheist/agnostic meetup? Obviously these are random examples that may not specifically apply, but I hope you see my point that it's just an excuse to keep you exposed to her religion.

 

+1 Florduh. Part of the 'real motivation' may often be to keep up appearances that everything is just fine at home. People will start to talk if someone's husband strays from the church. It's not about "Jesus" at all. :-)

[florduh]

The difference is that we were both christians when we married and I think it was reasonable for her to assume it would continue that way.

 

Don't you have anything else in common besides a religion?

 

The reverse of this situation happens at least as frequently, but the expectations are also reversed. What I mean is that often a secular couple will eventually have one of them become infected by religion. In these cases we never hear that the secular partner has the right to expect the other to never become religious. Ponder on why that is.

[midniterider]

I understand that it should not be fair or right for her to want me to go to church with her when I wouldn't be upset if she didn't attend a lecture on evolution with me.  The difference is that we were both christians when we married and I think it was reasonable for her to assume it would continue that way.

 

 

That's a fair assumption. Though people do change their perspectives as time goes on. To rigidly demand compliance creates bad feelings. Hopefully she will also be trying to avoid divorce when you come out by allowing you to be who you are. Will she really want a non-believer accompanying her to church and infecting the members of her special club? :-)

 

The large anonymous non-denominational church might be a good idea to do NOW for a while until you decide to come out. Then when you're ready tell her that this new church doesn't really do anything for you. And you really DON'T want to go back to the old church. Point out all its flaws. Then tell her you're doubts. Start thinking up things to do on Sunday, like go out of town.

 

Or instead of coming out, you could find a variety of churches in town and bounce around between them. Getting conflicting doctrinal messages from different churches could be helpful to unravel her ideas about Jesus, confuse her and maybe activate some critical thinking. Dont attack the contradictions. Just appear to be confused how Jesus told 10 churches 10 different things.

 

Get you and your wife heavily involved in non-church clubs, organizations, etc. Church is mostly a social deal so find some other social deal to compete with it.

[mymistake]

 

The difference is that we were both christians when we married and I think it was reasonable for her to assume it would continue that way.

 

Don't you have anything else in common besides a religion?

 

The reverse of this situation happens at least as frequently, but the expectations are also reversed. What I mean is that often a secular couple will eventually have one of them become infected by religion. In these cases we never hear that the secular partner has the right to expect the other to never become religious. Ponder on why that is.

 

 

Another +1 for florduh.  He is passing out good advise today.

[buffettphan]

Re: "hobby"... I had to laugh because that's exactly what I call my DFH's churchie activities.  

[Eugene39]

Is offering to go to church with my wife after coming out about my deconversion a bad idea? 

 

Your mileage may vary, but will offer my experience. When I deconverted, it took me awhile to decide what to do about church attendance. Eventually, I went "cold-turkey" - I was working in the sound booth at the end of December, and on January 1, 2011, I no longer went to church. In the spring of 2011, after some discussions with my wife, I started going to SS class with her. It was more of an attempt to try to make peace, because church attendance was something we had always done. That only lasted a few months and I reached a point that I could no longer keep going because of all the things I would hear would just drive me nuts and I was continually having to go to my "happy place". 

 

Really there's no answer that I can give you. You'll have to "feel" your way through this - your own feelings and your wife's feelings to come to a conclusion of how you will be able to handle church going. 

[Ellinas]

The problem with continuing is that you either have to develop a cynical sense of humour or become increasingly resentful of the religious fraternity.

 

The problem with not continuing is that your wife may also need support through your deconversion process - and this will soften the blow.

 

Whatever works for you, in the end.  However, it may be well to remember that, just as it is illogical to insist that one's religion is the only right way, so reactions to deconversion are emotional rather than based in sense.  She may fear the social stigma she feels this will bring her; she may be worried about her social network and how her "friends" or family will react.  This will not be solved like an equation.  Being sensitive to her situation may well pay off in the longer term.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

This book was written by a guy who has made his marriage to a xian work long term:

In Faith and in Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families

 

I heard him speak on The Athiest Experience talk show and he seemed to have some good strategies for dealing with issues like what you're facing.

 

You are in a good position in that you have time to plan how you are going to broach the subject with her, but on the other hand you don't know where she will stand when you do tell her you no longer believe.  Be gentle with her, it will be a big shock and she will need patience and understanding while she adjusts and you two start to negotiate how things will work in the future.

[DrNo]

I would really think long and hard about why she wants you to go in the first place. You say that she has a vision for what marriage is supposed to look like, and that includes going to church together. But I wonder if that isn't selling her vision short a bit. I think what she wants (what most married Christian women want, in my experience) is for their husband to want to go to church together and be the "spiritual head" of the household. 

 

Clearly the latter is out; as for the former, it sounds like what you really want is not to go to church with her, but rather to keep the peace. What kind of peace will this buy you? Maybe it will placate her for a while, but she will eventually figure out that you are there out of a sense of obligation and not desire. This is going to leave her unsatisfied and maybe even make her feel like she's become a domineering wife who is making you go to church. She might be grateful for your attendance at first, but that would turn into resentment.

 

You probably would not expect her to go to an atheism rally while you know what her beliefs are. Why? Not because you don't like spending time with her, but because you know she would feel uncomfortable. Out of respect and consideration for her, you would go by yourself and have a good time, and then plan some quality time together with her.

 

Yes, yours are the beliefs that changed. But couples change in all kinds of ways over the course of time. The key is not trying to stay the same person that you were; that approach will stunt your growth. The key is learning to accept the changes in the other person, as they accept yours. If she cannot do that, that is on her and your capitulating to her will not stop that. If she cannot learn to accept you as you are instead of pining for who you were, I would bet that you will eventually begin to resent her.

[DrNo]

This book was written by a guy who has made his marriage to a xian work long term:

In Faith and in Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families

 

FYI that book is not released yet. It will be this summer.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

This book was written by a guy who has made his marriage to a xian work long term:

In Faith and in Doubt: How Religious Believers and Nonbelievers Can Create Strong Marriages and Loving Families

 

FYI that book is not released yet. It will be this summer.

 

Ok thank you.  He has two other books already released that are aimed at unequally yoked couples raising children, so there may be useful couple-oriented material in those books. 

http://dalemcgowan.com/

 

On the talk show he talked about general couple communication and negotiation strategies, which sounded particularly helpful:

http://blip.tv/the-atheist-experience-tv-show/atheist-experience-810-atheist-parenting-6574495

[Deidre]

My preference would be to not go to church at all but I also want to stay married.

This is sad to read. I hope you don't lose your marriage, but if being true to your own values, and what YOU VALUE AS TRUTH, causes your wife to leave you? Then what kind of marriage is that?

 

Yes, it might be an uneasy time and perhaps confusing time for her, when she discovers you no longer believe as she does, but...you are not being true to you or her, to be honest, if you hide it and just go with the flow to keep the peace.

 

Pretendng to be someone you are not, will have more dire consequences than if you just are honest with everyone.

[R. S. Martin]

 

The difference is that we were both christians when we married and I think it was reasonable for her to assume it would continue that way.

 

Don't you have anything else in common besides a religion?

 

The reverse of this situation happens at least as frequently, but the expectations are also reversed. What I mean is that often a secular couple will eventually have one of them become infected by religion. In these cases we never hear that the secular partner has the right to expect the other to never become religious. Ponder on why that is.

 

 

The presumed superiority of religion?

[★ Citsonga ★]

Everyone's situation is different, but I personally kept going to church with my wife for a while for pretty much the same reason (I knew she wanted to go as a family). I continued with pretty regular attendance for a couple years, then started missing sporadically, then missing more often and then eventually quitting altogether, after probably a total of 6 or 8 years. After that point, I only ever went to church when we visited my family (500 miles away), but after a couple years of that they found out and I quit going then as well. I haven't been to a church service in nearly 3 years, and it's great! (And I think it helped her to ease into the situation.)

 

Whatever route you take, good luck! I wish the best for you and your wife.

[mymistake]

Everyone's situation is different, but I personally kept going to church with my wife for a while for pretty much the same reason (I knew she wanted to go as a family). I continued with pretty regular attendance for a couple years, then started missing sporadically, then missing more often and then eventually quitting altogether, after probably a total of 6 or 8 years. After that point, I only ever went to church when we visited my family (500 miles away), but after a couple years of that they found out and I quit going then as well. I haven't been to a church service in nearly 3 years, and it's great! (And I think it helped her to ease into the situation.)

 

Whatever route you take, good luck! I wish the best for you and your wife.

 

 

That is what happened with me as well.  My intent was to continue going to church and playing along.  However along the way Christianity started to become funny to me.  It grew harder and harder to suppress my laughter.  I had to stop attending altogether because I couldn't keep a strait face nor stop myself from being disruptive.

 

I wish LongWayAround the best of luck on this.

[LongWayAround]

I think what she wants (what most married Christian women want, in my experience) is for their husband to want to go to church together and be the "spiritual head" of the household.

 

This really sums up where I think she is coming from.

 

Yes, yours are the beliefs that changed. But couples change in all kinds of ways over the course of time. The key is not trying to stay the same person that you were; that approach will stunt your growth. The key is learning to accept the changes in the other person, as they accept yours. If she cannot do that, that is on her and your capitulating to her will not stop that. If she cannot learn to accept you as you are instead of pining for who you were, I would bet that you will eventually begin to resent her.

 

I understand this.  The question is whether she will also be able to.

 

When I tell my wife about my de-conversion.  I expect a lot of crazy reactions like:

• You are turning your back on religion so you can have an affair, watch movies with nudity, etc.
• We have nothing in common now.
• You have changed while I stayed the same.
• You never really believed, you just said that so I would marry you.
• I told you when we dated/got married that I only would be with a christian.
• I am going to call your parents and tell them you have backslid.
• You have been lying to me by not telling me about this sooner.
• You have influenced my child to be an atheist.
• This isn't what I wanted for my life.
• I don't even know who you are anymore.

[Fernweh]

LongWayAround, I don't have much to offer other than my empathy. When I told my wife I no longer believed she kind of freaked out and said many of those things. Fortunately, her only indoctrination into the Christianity virus came directly from me. She held no real belief in anything when we married. The only thing I could do at first was explain to her that I had lost all belief for many months before telling her and she never noticed because I'm still the same person as before. She had no idea and that's how I was able to show her there's no fundamental difference in the morals of an atheist or believer in gods.

[R. S. Martin]

 

When I tell my wife about my de-conversion.  I expect a lot of crazy reactions like:

• You are turning your back on religion so you can have an affair, watch movies with nudity, etc.
• We have nothing in common now.
• You have changed while I stayed the same.
• You never really believed, you just said that so I would marry you.
• I told you when we dated/got married that I only would be with a christian.
• I am going to call your parents and tell them you have backslid.
• You have been lying to me by not telling me about this sooner.
• You have influenced my child to be an atheist.
• This isn't what I wanted for my life.
• I don't even know who you are anymore.

 

 

I'm never sure if I have the qualifications to participate in conversations like this so I'll stick to the intellectual side of things. I don't know how it will play out in the marriage relationship but it seems there are some logical replies to some of these so-called charges. I'll go through the list and posit suggestions. You might want to take it with a grain of salt and discretion because you know your wife; I don't.

 

• You are turning your back on religion so you can have an affair, watch movies with nudity, etc.

That's several issues. Let's look at them one by one. First, please explain to me exactly what you mean when you say I'm turning my back on religion. As I explained, I am following my conscience the same as you. Second, you think I want an affair. Talk to me about why you think I am no longer faithful to you. Thirdly, what's your basis for the charge about movies with nudity or porn? 

• We have nothing in common now.

What do you mean...are you no longer interested in buying a house, in building a peaceful loving home, in caring for our children, in having a loving husband-wife relationship? [Or whatever your joint long-term goals for this life had been. I personally do not understand people who say "We have nothing in common" when the only thing we don't have in common is belief about the supernatural.]

• You have changed while I stayed the same.

I have grown, true. Water that stands still grows stagnant. 

• You never really believed, you just said that so I would marry you.

You're accusing me of lying. [Just point out the obvious. No point in becoming competitive over this. Many Christians do not believe that it is possible for deconverts ever to have been true Christians despite all the evidence to the contrary. They have scripture to back them up; never mind that scripture also exists to the contrary. Obviously, however, she is accusing you of lying if she says that.]

• I told you when we dated/got married that I only would be with a christian.

...... [if you wish, you can always point to the scripture where Paul admonishes wives of unbelieving husbands to stay in the marriage. See 1 Cor. 7:13-16.

 

13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

 

FROM http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Cor.+7%3A13-16&version=NIV]

• I am going to call your parents and tell them you have backslid.

[This sounds so childish, like kids ratting out their siblings. What does a wife think she gains by ratting out her husband to his parents, huh? When my uncle told me, "Your parents don't like this," I thought disgustedly, "Tell me something I don't know!" It's so utterly stupid I can't think of a decent thing to say in response.]

• You have been lying to me by not telling me about this sooner.

Not lying, just biding my time in finding the right time and the right way to tell you. As you can see, I had these beliefs for some time and they didn't make me a different person. I'm deeper than my beliefs. I am who I am. My beliefs don't change me as a person. You can see that because now you know my beliefs changed but I didn't. [i borrow this idea from Fernweh, Post 23.]

• You have influenced my child to be an atheist.

Likewise, you are influencing my child to believe religion against my convictions. [While this is competitive, it will alert her to the fact that (1) it's your child, too, and (2) you have strong convictions about this; it's not like you're just turning your back on religion so you can be unfaithful and watch bad movies. Well, it may or may not alert her to all this. She may be so freaked out that she's not hearing you. But she has to understand that this is YOUR child, too. Alone she would never have produced a child. Any other kind of thinking comes across to me as totally selfish. The child is an individual who must eventually make his/her own life decisions and the parents must accept the child regardless of these decisions.]

• This isn't what I wanted for my life.

It's not what I wanted, either, but sometimes life is beyond our control. We find we have been taught wrong, for example, or believed the wrong things. As you can see, I've had these beliefs for some time and you didn't see any change in me. I'm still the same person I was three years ago. Why are you so upset today now that I've told you when you were so sweet yesterday? I had these beliefs yesterday, too. [Again, as per Fernweh.]

• I don't even know who you are anymore.

Please explain. 

[R. S. Martin]

As I look at the list of answers I posited in Post 24 and think of the reactions I got from some of my family, I'm thinking a freaked-out wife would probably not take to the logic. But the fact remains that this is your child as much as hers. I don't know the content of your marriage vows but I personally do not understand Christians who pledge in marriages vows "for better or for worse" and in whose sacred text are admonished to remain with an unbelieving spouse, then they flee the marriage on no other basis than that the other person deconverted. Isn't this just part of the "worse"? I guess I'm old-fashioned and out-of-date and atheist to boot.