Looking At The World Without Bias

[AnonymousCoward]

Hi all,

 

If you closely monitor the Ex-Christian Life forum, you may have seen a couple posts by me asking questions essentially about how to not be a Christian. One of my questions was about how to tell my friends/family that I do not believe anymore. Some suggested that I gather my thoughts and write down why I do not believe. That leads me to this extimony. Note that this extimony is probably written with a Christian audience in mind even though only ex-Christians will ever see it. I plan to use it as a template for how I tell Christians that I do not believe. It ended up being much longer than I ever imagined so feel free to skip to "The End" part for my extimony. The rest is all context

 

My Testimony

 

What follows is kind of what I would give when asked to give my testimony ("converting" to life as a Christian) to other Christians.

 

I grew up in a Christian home. Both my parents are members and are heavily involved in a protestant evangelical church. I was baptized as an infant and committed my life to Christ when I was six while listening to a children's tape called "The Donut Man," which prompted me to say the prayer. It took me a few listens before I finally had the courage to do it and officially give my life to Christ.

 

When I was 12, I decided that the Bible was important enough for me to start reading it on my own and not just learning through Sunday School and church services. I started with a Bible reading plan and then moved to reading the Bible cover-to-cover (my first attempt failed somewhere in the middle of Leviticus, but I later picked it up and accomplished the feat).

 

When I was in high school, I made the decision not to be "ashamed" of my faith and instead proclaim that I'm a Christian to anyone who asks despite the social cost. The coming out Christian did not result in the intense bullying that I expected, but resulted in some good debates and mostly that nobody cared (i.e. they didn't treat me differently Christian or not).

 

In college, I moved about two hours away from home. College was supposed to be a good time for me. After mostly experiencing social isolation all the way through high school, I got a fresh start. In college, there are a bunch people who don't know the socially awkward me that I've completely improved upon. In college, there are a bunch of people who don't know each other and are looking for friends (it was a college town - you rarely met someone from that city). In college, there are a bunch of people who appreciate someone who's into math.

 

It didn't go as planned. During the first week, as I noticed people gathering together and making friends, I was still alone. I don't think I realized at the time that making friends requires effort. To make things worse, I was having a hard time with school work.

 

I spent my entire first term alone trying to keep my head above water school-work-wise giving no time to trying to have a social life, reading my Bible, spending time with God, or going to church.

 

After first term, I knew I needed a new approach. I figured that one of my problems was that I was ignoring God. Therefore, for second term, my plan was to read the Bible and spend time with God no matter what.

 

On the first week, I saw a poster that read, "Looking for Christian community?"

 

Christian community was something I dearly wanted so I got involved with that campus ministry group.

 

I was amazed at the passion for God these people in campus ministry showed. It was something that was sorely lacking in my life. They were a big proponent of approaching random people on campus and telling them about Jesus. I could not bring myself to do this since it was so scary. However, I wanted to stay friends with the people in campus ministry, so I always made some sort of excuse whenever the topic of going out and telling people about Jesus came up.

 

My goal was to get to the point where I had a passion for God enough such that I wanted to go out and tell random people about Jesus. I figured the way to do this was to do what the people of campus ministry were doing - namely understanding the Bible more, understanding more apologetics, and attending and participating in prayer meetings.

 

I did all these things, yet I still could not acquire the passion for God I needed to get me out of my comfort zone to proudly proclaim his word to random people on campus.

 

It wasn't until my last year of college that I, for a moment, acquired that passion. At a conference for the campus ministry, the speaker heavily encouraged those who were graduating (and not pursuing ministry full-time) to seek a job in a certain part of the country that has a very low Christian population so that place could be won for Christ.

 

That mission resonated with me. I could never be convinced to do full-time ministry, but if I'm going to work full-time in a secular job, why not in a place God can use me?

 

Then I had the thought, "I can't even spread God's word on my own college campus, how useful could I possibly be in a place with even fewer Christians?"

 

This thought was what finally pushed me to start going around college telling people about Jesus. I was going to be prepared to tell people about Jesus in an area where few people have heard of him. I even visited the place I was planning to go and spent some time on their college campuses and streets telling people about Jesus.

 

As all testimonies end, everything is awesome!

 

Everything is Not Awesome

 

I started looking for jobs in the city to which I planned to move, but there didn't seem to be a lot. Meanwhile, I had managed to land a great job offer for a major company on the opposite coast. Since everybody was telling me I should do it (I had not really divulged my post-graduation work/ministry plans to many people) and I believed God was telling me to do it by opening a huge door, I took the job and moved thousands of miles away from home.

 

I had a hard time reconciling God's plan for me in this new location while I felt called to a place in the opposite direction in which I travelled. The best I could surmise was that God had called me this area to gain ministry skills needed to go to the place that God actually wanted me. I would also be able to share the Gospel with people in my major company.

 

I hit the ground running. I joined a local mega-church whose messages I'd been podcasting for the last two years. When the mega-church was too slow to slot me in a small group, I just showed up to one. At work, I joined a Christian distribution list and started organizing Bible studies, prayer meetings, and other gatherings.

 

Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. I found it very difficult to meet people at the mega-church since Sunday services had too many people for me to get integrated into a group of friends (and people I did know rarely showed up at the same service). Since small groups were mandated to be made up of people in the local neighbourhood and my neighbourhood was mostly older people, I was forced into small groups that did not have people I could easily make friends with.

 

My Christian distribution list eventually died off as fewer and fewer people showed up to gatherings.

 

I started wondering if God was punishing me for unknowingly pulling a Jonah. Here I was alone yet again, not doing any ministry, not telling my co-workers about Jesus, and not doing anything useful for Jesus. I felt frustrated and useless.

 

The End

 

The mega-church I was at has recovery groups for people who are trying to recover from habitual sins. At the end of it, they have a celebration service open to everybody where those who have been through the group can speak about what God had done in their lives. I decided I was in need of hearing some encouraging stories so I decided to go.

 

Somebody there asked me if I had ever thought of signing up for a recovery group and I explained that I didn't have any of the "big ticket" sins like porn, drugs, or alcohol addiction. He said that everyone has sin in their lives and it may be helpful for me to talk about it in a group dedicated to that whether the sin was big or small.

 

I decided to sign up. The sin that I focused on was not sharing Jesus with my co-workers, not caring enough about the poor that I see on the streets, and just not being passionate about Jesus.

 

I found through this group that my sins and disobedience towards God stemmed from my lingering doubt of God's existence. It turned out I wasn't fully sure God was really there so that made it hard to go all-in for him.

 

The leader of the group told me that God is a father. If a child reached out to his father asking whether his father was really there, the father would in no time reach out and assure the child. God is the same way.

 

It was later that week that I finally got enough guts to ask God if he was really there. Minute after agonizing minute; hour after agonizing hour, I got nothing.

 

Throughout my whole life as a Christian, I had always thought it would take as much faith to be an atheist as it does to be a Christian. I had always found the evidence for Christianity less than compelling, but there was not enough for me to take the bold leap and say that there is not a God. However, in that moment when I suddenly grappled with the high probability that there is not a God, the world finally made sense.

 

No longer did I need to figure out why God wasn't showing up in my life. No longer did I need to figure out why my personal relationship with God was so impersonal. No longer, when reading the Bible, did I have to look up the ESV study notes to see how it was going to explain this issue with the text. The world made so much more sense as a world without God. Just looking at the world for the first time without Christian bias was compelling enough for me to proclaim that there is no God.

 

Epilogue

 

It took me awhile to decide whether I was going to continue playing the Christian game for the rest of my life despite the fact that I believed it to be full of lies. I figured my life would be easier if I just stayed a "Christian". I would get to keep my friends. I would have a much better chance at some day having a marriage that does not end in divorce. Outside of Christianity, who knows what people would be like? The easy choice seemed more and more appealing to me. However, the more I thought about it, the more I thought that leaving Christianity would be the right choice. It would be agonizing to show up to Bible studies and play along as if everything were real. If I were to marry a Christian woman, how could I lie to her for the rest of my life? If the truth is not found inside Christianity, maybe I should spend time elsewhere looking for it.

 

Therefore, I eventually stopped going to church (I used some recent controversies at the mega-church as an excuse to leave it). As I've been reading both Christian and non-Christian sources, my lack of belief in God has only grown.

 

The only major hurdle now is telling people. I've found it hard to tell people that I'm no longer a Christian just because I do not want to have that argument and I do not want to disappoint them. Everybody knows I've stopped going to the mega-church and haven't found another church, but I want to come clean and be in the clear. Every time I attempt to do so, I choke. Meanwhile, I've got parents nagging me to find a church, people from the mega-church who I could never develop friendships with suddenly wanting to have "coffee" with me, and people from other churches constantly inviting me to their church. Such is life.

 

Well, I should probably go to bed now since I have a ministry financial support call scheduled for tomorrow morning.

[DoubtingNate]

Thank you for sharing that.. I think you and I have a few things in common!  

 

There is no hurry to tell anyone.  Losing your faith is lots to process, and it can take years to be comfortable in your new shoes.  Find people you trust and talk to them; there is no hurry to make some big announcement if you don't feel like it.  Don't get into arguments unless it is on your terms - you don't owe anyone anything.  

 

I'm glad you found this place!  From my short time posting I can tell there are some good people around.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome.

 

I see you read the bible cover to cover as a young lad. Well done, you have read more of the bible than most xians have.

 

 

I found through this group that my sins and disobedience towards God stemmed from my lingering doubt of God's existence. It turned out I wasn't fully sure God was really there so that made it hard to go all-in for him.

So glad you had those doubts; it shows you always had a link to your rational self, which is a good thing!  I never had those doubts when I was at my most xian, and I wish I had.

 

 

It took me awhile to decide whether I was going to continue playing the Christian game for the rest of my life despite the fact that I believed it to be full of lies. I figured my life would be easier if I just stayed a "Christian". I would get to keep my friends. I would have a much better chance at some day having a marriage that does not end in divorce.

Funny how xianity teaches people to believe that this claim about divorce is true.  There are lots of divorces in xianity, and of course lots of miserably unhappy marriages, which are just as bad as divorce.

 

 

The only major hurdle now is telling people. I've found it hard to tell people that I'm no longer a Christian just because I do not want to have that argument and I do not want to disappoint them. Everybody knows I've stopped going to the mega-church and haven't found another church, but I want to come clean and be in the clear. Every time I attempt to do so, I choke. Meanwhile, I've got parents nagging me to find a church, people from the mega-church who I could never develop friendships with suddenly wanting to have "coffee" with me, and people from other churches constantly inviting me to their church. Such is life.

 

I feel the same way.  I agree with Nate, don't feel you have to tell people anything, if you tell them, do it because you want to. Email is easier than face to face or phone.  Really, you don't owe any of these people an explanation.

 

With your parents, I think you would find it easier to have shared your feelings with them.  Have a think about writing them a letter.  You can run your draft past us if you like.

 

Everyone needs friends and a social life.  Usually a xian upbringing is not very helpful for us introverts to learn how to meet people and make friends, everything is laid on for us in xian culture.  I suggest looking for an athiest or secular humanist group or groups in your city.  Meetup.com is a good place to start.  You can also meet new people through taking up a hobby or interest of some kind.  How would you feel about socialising with your workmates more than you have in the past?  You may be surprised how supportive people would be if they knew what you'd been through.  There are a lot of people like us.

[Ellinas]

An interesting explanation of your position.

 

As pointed out above, no hurry to tell anyone anything.  Certainly don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to proclaim your lack of faith - there is no such obligation.  As to others who are contacting you, why not just tell them you no longer believe, are not interested in or required to explain yourself and want to get on with your life without Christianity?   That should work for everyone except close family, who you may wish to provide with further information.  Even so, remember, the longer the explanation, the greater the opportunity for them to involve you in long, pressurized conversations.

[Guest MadameX]

You certainly executed a thorough search for understanding, having given it your all as a Christian. Personally I have decided to be open about my unbelief but I am a lot older than you now (really makes a difference - at this point in life it doesn't really matter nearly as much what other people think) and I do not know your social situation. In some parts of the country it would be a dangerous thing to declare non-belief or any kind of non-conformity. Being in a more cosmopolitan setting where people are of all sorts of faiths/non-faiths and from all sorts of cultures will make this seem a no-brainer. Indeed we all see the world from our own bias which was shaped by many things most importantly the culture we grew up in. 

 

Best of luck to you.

[MitoXon]

You shouldn't worry about losing people. The people that have been lost is usually the people that you no longer have common interest in, or they have different lives than you. That what happens to most people who don't have common interest. I had a friend who I have known since 6th grade, and he and I don't hangout as often even though we live next door to each other. Me and him don't have anything to talk about.

[BundyJem]

 

Epilogue

 

It took me awhile to decide whether I was going to continue playing the Christian game for the rest of my life despite the fact that I believed it to be full of lies. I figured my life would be easier if I just stayed a "Christian". I would get to keep my friends. I would have a much better chance at some day having a marriage that does not end in divorce. Outside of Christianity, who knows what people would be like? The easy choice seemed more and more appealing to me. However, the more I thought about it, the more I thought that leaving Christianity would be the right choice. It would be agonizing to show up to Bible studies and play along as if everything were real. If I were to marry a Christian woman, how could I lie to her for the rest of my life? If the truth is not found inside Christianity, maybe I should spend time elsewhere looking for it.

 

 

I'm glad you posted your story! This paragraph could almost be out of my head (except that I'd be marrying a man). I love this place (ex-christian.net) it seems everyone, at some point, has been in my head and typed it out here. It is nice to not feel so alone at this one of the most lonely feeling times.

 

Hope you gain much encouragement from your time here.

 

Thanks for posting!

[Margee]

AC, welcome to Ex-c and thank you for sharing your personal story.I related on so many points that i would say they are the exact same reason I had doubts for a long time even to the point as you say that, '' I found through this group that my sins and disobedience towards God stemmed from my lingering doubt of God's existence''. That's a real good point!!

 

I'm so glad you are here with us. Hope to hear a lot more from you my friend!!

 

*hug*

[Aries256]

Welcome to the pool of freedom! *dives in*

[dutchie]

Hi! 

 

During my studies I also had a lot times that I felt lonely, had no friends. I know how it feels, its sucks. I hope you can understand it is not you who has to be fixed, 

to be able to get friends. You are perfect just the way you are now  

 

The theme that is delivered in christian faith that you have to be healed, that you need to improve yourself. that you are broken, that your believe is not big enough,  can hit hard at the core of a persons being during years 

of hearing those messages.

 

´The world made so much more sense as a world without God´ --> YES! I realized the same thing a while back. I tried to explain it to a christian friend. He looked puzzled. When you just take away the so called 

interference of God in the world, there is no special meaning in natural disasters, rape, murder, sickness. There is no guidance in a persons life. There is no ´Big Plan of God´ that explains everything. 

 

What the others already said: you don´t owe it to anyone to give a detailed explanation. But if you are not comfortable with the idea that you have to decline questions about your believe, maybe 

you can sort of make up make very general reply before hand, so you don´t have to figure it out on the spot. 

 

Btw, welcome. I´m also new here, but already feel at home

[AnonymousCoward]

Thanks all for the replies and encouragement. I appreciate it so much.

 

 

 

You are perfect just the way you are now

 

Despite moving away from a worldview that considered me to be a piece of garbage worthy of nothing but the fires of Hell without Jesus, I still disagree with the fact that I am perfect. I have many things I need to work on before I'm anywhere close to perfection such as social skills, fitness, my career, generosity, etc. Though I'll never be perfect, I have a lifetime to become the best I can be (though that statement made "Spirit man" yell at me to stop being prideful - some day I'll get over this).

 

In terms of telling others, I'm just tired of living two lives - one inside my head and one that I pretend to be in front of other people. I really want it to be out in the open so I can just be myself. Still trying to figure out how to do it and it hasn't gotten any easier as time has moved on.

[dutchie]

Yesterday, an hour after I made the post, I already planned to rephrase the precise sentence you picked out. 

 

What I meant was, you are, at this moment enough. Yes you can decide to work on different things, but you are not in dept in something - with somebody.